Blame it on "Affluenza"

Have you heard the horror story about the 16-year-old boy from Texas arrested for DUI? He was well over the legal limit - not to mention under age - when he plowed into a group of people going 30 mph over the limit killing 4 and injuring 7. The judge sentenced him to ten year's probation but a year prior threw the book at a younger drunk driver. The difference is that this is the last year on the bench for the judge coupled with the defense that the child suffered from "affluenza" (affluence) and did not know the consequences of his actions. That unbelieveable statement was accepted in a court of law and the excuse isn't even a real word.

This kid not only didn't "know how to process", he had access to alcholol and a vehicle. (My kids learned that driving was a privilege, not a right and turning any age number did not qualify them as a driving candidate. It's their character that counts first.) Who lets someone that unaware get behind the wheel of a car and encounter the lives of many other innocent people??

Apparently, this rich kid's parents did. The attorney they hired to get him off even invented a new word and convinced a judge that it's crippling to have money which therefore made this poor kid unable to comprehend consequences of his actions. Affluenza.

Oh really. He's unable to realize what happens next?

Did this kid understand the "consequences" of his new haircut or clothes? That eating takes away hunger pains? Or inserting his parents' ATM card churns out a bunch of green? What about slapping a mosquito as it bites your leg?

Oh he knew what "consequences" were alright - just not ones that don't spare him from reality. He was pampered and coddled and protected from just about anything a non-rich kid who is better parented experiences.

To further protect this unfazed boy, the family hired some professional to deem him mentally only the age of  twelve. Oh really? Then why oh why was he allowed behind the wheel in the first place? 

Where is the parent public comment grieving over what their son caused? Where are their condolences to the victims and families? And what about their 12/16-year-old's apology? Do they even care about the lives lost or destroyed since they prevailed in court?

Just because a court has made a ruling does not mean justice has been served and this case is the perfect illustration. It only points more sharply to parenting without conscience. Yes, the boy committed the act, but his parents gave him the support in order to behave the way he did. Oh yes they did.

They "supported" him by the actions they did or did not take. By being too busy to parent, overlooking behaviors or paying for legal eagles to create a new word to defend their guilty son is indeed supporting him. Doing something, ignoring something or doing nothing are all actions. And this "action" in whatever form it took enabled their minor child to continue to think he is exempt from routine behaviors necessary to become a functional solid citizen in the world.

As a long-time child advocate, I am disgusted that parents poorly influenced their son before, during and after this trial. Worse yet, lives were lost! That is the real headline. Families and friends have been tragically impacted. Other victims suffered life-long injuries. The circle of influence for this one act has a huge radius that extends far into the future.

Not only does the causer of this horrible accident apparently have no moral conscience (remember, he has legally been declared to lack the ability to be aware of consequences), his parents, a judge and a defense lawyer have conspired to excuse him and sweep it under the rug.

Funny thing about reality though. You can't pretend it didn't happen.

Prayers for eyes to open and hearts to acknowledge what really happened and why. Most of all, that articulate excuses are no replacement for justice.

This is a huge scale example of what happens all the time on a smaller scale when parents fight kids' battles, argue with coaches, do their homework or cajole. If parents cared enough to equip their kids in the first place and not fix their failures, we wouldn't hear about these horror stories in the first place.

Warning Signs

A friend of mine asked me if I would address the subject of teen suicide and it got me thinking about how we should not ignore warning signs. We are supposed to take behaviors and threats seriously and get help for the child. Sadly, sometimes we hear about the child who didn't display enough or long enough and they succeeded at their death attempt.

Does this mean we need to be on red alert? I think so. I remember standing in a theme park and looking away for a second. When I looked back our young son was gone. We found him unharmed 10 minutes later much farther away. We acted fast and had a plan. We worked together. I will never forget the sickening state  of alarm when I realized how quickly he could be gone. We ran into action.

If our child is doing something out of sync, we need to run into immediate action. Rather to err on the side of safety than ignorance leading to harm. It is how we handle it while it's happening that will make the difference. Rather than scream the entire way to have your kid drug tested, drive calmly. Rather than threaten or warn, act swiftly. Don't tell them you are going to take them to a counselor, take them. Their health and very lives are non-negotiable. Argue about the clean bedroom if you want, but not their safety. Make sure they know there are no secrets to keep if a friend has shared about abuse or suicide. Don't be afraid to call a friend's parent. There may be no next chance.

There's another kind of warning sign that can get ignored. It's the suicide that doesn't kill your child, it just ruins their life. I know of a family whose older child told them about the drugs the younger brother was doing in middle school. They did nothing. That kid began running away and stealing at age 15. They bailed him out and flew him home. The arrests and drug use went up, the older sibling kept telling the parents he needed treatment. The parents were afraid of what people would think, so they did nothing except hire better lawyers. When he beat his sibling and ran away again, the parents said nothing about the injury but worried that he might not ever come home.

Fast forward. They say that the age at which serious drug use begins is the emotional age the untreated person stays at. I've seen this truth unfold. There's an angry "man" out there who is emotionally just 13 years old who has led a life entirely focused on his own destructive pleasure. He is over 50 and counts the days til Friday like that middle schooler. He has been in and out of prison, treatment centers and probation. He lives steps ahead of the things that come after him and continually blames the world for his troubles. If he knew where any of his birth family was right now, he would have no qualms about harming them - perhaps fatally.

This lost life could have been prevented if the parents would have stepped into action and cared more about their son's well-being than what people would think. Those "people" have certainly had a lot worse to "think" now. Had the parents acted at the first warning, how different might things be for this entire family?

Sometimes the warning signs are as large and obvious as a fire. Sometimes they are that quiet gaze of a withdrawn second grader staring past you. Don't ignore them. Take note. Maybe it is just a stare, but you need to know the circumstances so find out. Don't be embarrassed to get help.

Don't be afraid to go down that hall and open the door or read your browser history. Just don't do it like a police dog and if you need to take action, make it CALM, swift and immediate. You may just save your entire family's lives.