So, Do You Think He Likes Me?

This is a heartbreaking story about an innocent 6th grade girl well-loved and intentionally parented by  a highly degreed mother and father. She lived in a fine neighborhood, had already been taught to volunteer, and was an excellent student. She had been exposed to art, travel and had a number of hobbies designed to put her ahead of other college candidates one day.

She was a sweet girl who assertively sold wrapping paper for her school's fundraiser, made great conversation with adults and was set up for success. One weekend, she eagerly accepted an invitation to a middle school party only to find out parents weren't visible even though she and her mother had been told otherwise. She was the last one anyone would think would end up drinking and having intercourse with a boy she had never met before. After the party, her only concern was wondering if the boy liked her.

A mere child just old enough to babysit ignorantly gave up her virginity and possibly exposed herself to how many STDs and her only question was,"Do you think he likes me?"

Boom! This epitomizes the gender difference between young adolescents. Girls are thinking about skipping through the English Garden, linen dress billowing in the gentle breeze strolling hand-in-hand with a pimple-less lad reciting poetry as they sip lemonade. Most teen guys are testosterone-driven thinking mainly about how they can "get some". This precious girl wasn't prepared for that and allowed the ultimate act to be performed on her, and did not comprehend what she had done.

This story illustrates the fact that young teens are still concrete thinkers, unable to process thoughts and experiences in the manner adults do. She didn't even understand the long-term ramifications because she wasn't supposed to be having intercourse yet. As parents and caregivers, it is our moral responsibility to prepare our children for unexpected sexual situations and coach them about what it means (and doesn't mean) and how to safely leave the situation without compromising their purity.

Popular Christian parenting curriculum the past 18 years centers around having a purity weekend with a parent of the same sex honoring the new 13-year-old. All kinds of materials, information and scripture is discussed. At the close of the weekend, the new teen receives some sort of symbol (a ring, a necklace, a bracelet) that they can wear until their wedding one day. They have made a covenant between themselves and God.

While I applaud the weekend idea, I think it is far too late to wait until age 13 to bring up many of the details regarding purity. Remember, the girl in this story was barely 12. Her parents were so busy trying to cover all the opportunities and education, they overlooked training about her body or surprise sexual and social situations. She was intelligent and level-headed, so they didn't have a worry.

From the time my kids could talk, I have told them that their body belongs only to them and that no one should touch them if they don't want them to. (That includes those forced hugs from relatives that makes kids squirm.) No one should ever  touch them on body parts covered by a swimsuit much less see them. Only doctors in the doctor's office were allowed to see or touch their bodies there, and only for an examination. One day when they were grown up, their husband or wife would be able to love and touch them anywhere they wanted. But while they are growing up, that is not safe. I also taught them to tell me if any other child or adult tried to touch them.

I am glad I had this talk, because my five-year-old son was able to tell me about the 10-year-old boy in the summer day camp bathroom who wanted to examine him. If he had not been pre-armed to be aware (not scared - just aware), who knows what might have happened?

Having these sensitive conversations should include age-appropriate content (at attention-span length) and should always be conducted calmly and couched with parental concern for the child's well-being. In later elementary years, purity can also be introduced. Caveat: In no way is this about the popular word "shame". We do not want our children to be ashamed of their bodies, but to understand how special their bodies are and that they are created in God's image. Therefore, they should treat their bodies accordingly and allow things at the appropriate time in life. They are the only ones in charge of their bodies.

What happened to the girl? She told her mom who promptly took her for a medical exam. The mom called the host parents. They had more in-depth conversations after that and were more cautious. She continued to excel in all areas of talent and grew up to be a healthy young woman. But no one could take back that one night when she lost her innocense.

Mandatory School-Based Sex Ed?

The International Planned Parenthood released a recommendation that children as young as ten years old should be taught “the pleasures of sex.” They did not mean the mechanics of sex, but how to enjoy it!

At the age of ten, a child is still very much a concrete-thinker. Abstract thinking begins to trickle in around age thirteen and takes the rest of the teen years to fully evolve. Concrete-thinkers are still absorbing what is told to them and are not able to filter nor understand adult concepts.

To burden a fifth-grader with the idea of sexual gratification at such a crucial development time is outright abusive. Why would anyone want to infuse a formative mind with something so controversial and devalue the true meaning of sex? The manipulative reason behind this surely has to be to encourage the financial profits in an industry that includes birth control and abortion available without parental consent in many states. This would retrain impressionable minds to become numb to something God-given, pure and beautiful and remove it's incredible value by turning it into a mere function or some kind of "right".

We can't teach kids the how before the why.

This issue will continue to challenge parents as our culture continues to water down the sacred. What do parents want to be considered special in their children’s lives? Will it be something moral or something material? Are all “special” things equal or are some so precious they should be reserved for...marriage?

Our obligation as parents is to teach our children the difference between purity and sex. Thanks to a world leader, a generation of kids now believe they can have oral sex and that their purity is not compromised. They still haven't really had sex, or have they?

Our kids need to know the why behind our reasoning when we tell them to wait until they are married to consummate their love. If we just say “don’t” and fail to give them a why, they won’t have anything to anchor the "don't" on. Let's tell our kids that the why is centered on knowing God - His perfect desire for our lives and therefore what we do with our bodies, with whom and the big "when".

My philosophy is to make sex education a natural, on-going process based upon our parent-child relationship. There is no single “big talk” but hundreds of little ones starting as soon as they can talk. Additional elements are introduced based on maturity. And at the right moment, you bet my kids know that it’s fun and feels good. But before they find out about that, they’ve been taught why God cares, how their body develops and what they can expect.

Communicating the truth about sex is probably the most important topic (aside from faith) on a parent's job description. It will impact futures and the lives of others – depending on what the kids understand and how they respond.

My favorite book that coaches parents on this topic is Dr. Kevin Leman's A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex. If you have a child, don't wait to read it. Read it when they're little and re-read as they grow. That pituitary gland gets into gear as young as second grade!

P.S. One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is all about getting ready for adolescence and targets parents of kids second grade and up