Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

Snot Moms and Your ADHD Child

Have you met them? Their hair is perfect, their bodies lean and they parent with ease. Not only that, of course their kids are compliant, neatly dressed and well-behaved.

While your kid is running around their pool channeling ADHD and offending every other calm five-year-old, their kid is hosting a dainty tea party in the shallow end or carefully touching their toe into the water. When your kid burps at their sweetly pig-tailed one who recoils with a squak, the perfectly coifed mom glares over at you because of your moral failure now being demonstrated by your child's beastly behavior.

While you wrestle your wild child to the ground in order to dry them off before leaving this fun party, everyone stares and then nods toward each other. Your hair falls out of the clips and your shirt pulls up during the tussle. No doubt you'll get a bruise from this. Yes indeed, you represent the worst parenting there is and worse yet, they have labeled your child as a bad seed. These moms vibe one another and cross their legs in unison as they all look away from your big fat mess. You saddle up and trudge out the garden gate to your car. So much for the kindergarten class party.

Not only will they not friend you, they will ignore your child. Depending on your school, this could make quite an impact when they send birthday party invitations to every child in the class except yours. Your child comes home bewildered having seen the invites delivered in front of everyone, and wonders why they weren't chosen. Even if you go on the field trip with him, there is no guaranteed your presence will influence calmer behavior.

Hello, that struggling mom was me and I wouldn't change a single thing in my life at that time. Not for a health club or better hair, and certainly not my child. God bless those snotty moms judging me and my beloved child. That wiggle-worm, impulsive, compulsive noise-making, dirt attractor and irritating 5-year-old is becoming one of the most amazing people I have ever known, much less parented. And he is yet to graduate high school.

Those snots that refused friendship and excluded birthday party invitations were ignorant and judgmental. Their shunning quickly taught me that I needed to learn how to support and coach my kid in the face of what loomed to be on-going judgement not to mention serious struggles to pay attention.  After all, part of life is learning how to behave in socially appropriate ways. We want to attract people - not shoo them away. I had to advocate for him often, as well as discipline his socks off. Unfortunately, because he got labeled so early due to his hyper-impulsiveness, anything he did was initially believed to be an intentional act. We got our own labels as bad parents. And yes, he got kicked out of two daycares and two preschools.

Finally, he was old enough to test. We tested for allergies (guess who had a high senistivity even to natural  sugars?) and we tested intelligence (turns out he has superior intellect) and of course for ADHD. Once he got on his meds and we figured out which ones and how often, he simmered down and could focus. We taught him he was the boss of his brain, so he could focus on his teacher or his finger tip. We never told him he had ADHD, we only told him he needed focus pills to help all the activity in his smart brain simmer down so he could focus. We role-played, coached and rewarded, cried, laughed and continually begged God for help.

It seemed that people were only pleased with the behavior of the quiet and compliant children that never spoke out of turn. Intollerant teachers spent time trying to force our boy to be just like the others and were frustrated when it appeared he wouldn't listen. I don't want any kid to be just like any others, least of all my kid. I want to know how they think and what they think and how they dream. I don't want to control them nor turn them into little performers. With God's grace, I want them to become who they should be and I am there to coach them along the way to be a kind citizen.

The kid who was so judged does not judge others. He never started anything, but he will defend himself - and when he sees bullying, he tells the kids to knock it off. He sees the spectrum of human behavior and dismisses no one. While he respects the right of everyone to be on this planet, he will not ask a girl out if he has seen her being rude to someone. He is courteous and thoughtful and strong -  both physically and mentally. People that have met him after age 9 do not believe my stories of his ADHD because it's gone. We stopped the meds after a year when he told us he "didn't like the way he feels" when he takes his focus pills. Okay, we said. But you will have to work extra hard to help your brain focus. And over the next couple of years he did.

I think any parent with no compassion for a child that doesn't fit a mold for whatever the reason is a snot mom. Kids with mental or physical diagnosis take extra effort to parent and educate. Their families are worn out and many times they struggle alone if no extended family lives nearby. I can't count very high the number of people that loved us through our battle to raise our wild child. One of them was the cashier in the grocery store who encouraged me while every other shopper stared aghast at the screaming fit my 13 month old was having in the cart. To this day I remember her kind smile. She made a difference in more that just that interaction.

When we stop to think beyond a snap judgement and give that annoying kid a chance we are blessing her and her parent that is struggling more than you'll ever know. Try it. You'll probably never know you made a difference in their lives, but know that you did indeed.