Why You Need To Know This About Your Child's Brain

Recent metro area news saddened and impacted a local school district when a 15-year-old boy allegedly accidentally shot his 14-year-old girlfriend and then ran off and shot himself. The girl survived. The boy is dead. Every school in the district followed up with gun safety lessons for each age group. It might prevent future horrors - and I hope it does. But it cannot change this tragedy.

A quick visit to his social media page shows a buffet of photos where the boy was either posing with a gun or acting as if he was holding a gun. Those pictures go back more than a year. He loved guns, and he apparently had relatively easy access to them.

Let's use Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development, but in everyday language. If you have taken any psych class you have run into the four stages that get us from birth to mid-teens. The stages move from touching and sensing to doing and thinking. The kiddos are "doing" (concrete thinkers) from about 7 to 12 and then "thinking" (abstract thinking) from 12 on up. These stages do not follow chronological development, so a 13-year-old could easily be stuck as more of a concrete thinker. That's how old the boy was in the earlier photos. He was holding a gun, looking cool with no thought of the potential damage it could cause. Click - he was just looking cool at that moment.

If you add drugs or trauma into the mix, a child could feasibily be stuck at the development stage he was at while the chronological age marches on. I know someone now 55 who began doing drugs at age 13. Guess what his social media posts read like? Yep. An early teen still anxious to party on Friday and a fixation on demeaning photos of female anatomy.

The human brain does not even stop growing until the late 20's or early 30's. When you think about that, doesn't it make you wonder why we culturally normalize an 18-year-old-going off to war or a 21-year-old getting married? They have another decade of maturing to do yet we allow them to take on tremendous responsibility. I was a beginner adult when I married the first time at age 21. But in title only. I wasn't a woman and I wasn't mature. The next ten years of brain development and life experience put the icing on the cake of who I am today.

One of my teen clients recently had a baby. She's 15. Part of her is a teen wanting to use her cell phone and gossip. The other part of her pushed a baby out and talks about her weight loss. Technically she is a mother. She gave birth. The statistics and her trajectory indicate that sadly, she will not give life to this little baby. Both she and her mother ignored my suggestion to have the baby adopted in to a two-parent family that was craving children.

Many of my parent clients complain about their children "not listening" or "arguing" with them. Upon further dialog, I learn that the parent has expected adult thinking in the body of a 10-year-old. Time and time again, I remind them that their brains are not even capable of drawing the conclusiion the parent intended. They are literal and concrete. We need to cut them some slack while helping them learn to think on their own. Do you really want your college student calling you to ask how to do the laundry or how to load their backpack?

Even though our kids are concrete thinkers, it doesn't mean we can't coach them in drawing their own conclusions. Rather than tell kids what to do about something, ask them what they think should happen. Get them to process what is going on and to arrive at the answer without you spelling it out for them.

Examples:
1. It's cold outside and you are all going out. Instead of saying "Go get your coat" and not giving them the reasoning,  say "It's cold outside. We'll need coats." The older they get, you can merely state "It's cold" and they can determine if they prefer to be cold or warm.

2. Your kid is working on a presentation. Instead of telling them to say this and that, then more of that. Explain what an introduction is. Teach them how to identify main points. Show them how to wrap it up in a conclusion. You can just call it the begining, the middle and the end. Coach them in identifying what pieces of information should go where. Now you have not only helped them with one project, you have equiping them for the next ones.

3. You are showing your kid how to cook. At least you thought you were. Instead of telling them to pour the sugar into this measuring cup, teach them how to read the recipe and find the corresponding measruing cup from the set. Model the correct way to hold the spatula by showing how much more control there is when we hold it at a certain angle.

Less  talking, more doing.

Concrete thinkers will follow instructions just fine, but don't we want them to make good decisions  their own? It starts with the way we talk to our kids and what we expect from them. Just because you showed them once doesn't ensure they will do it that way again. They are learning how to think. Instead of saying "I told you that already!!" give them a cue.

You can't role-play enough safety scenarios as far as I'm concerned. They have to pre-think a plan so that they get out alive and know just what to do in case they are faced with a friend's bad decision. The day a friend shows them a gun to play with is not the day for them to wonder what to do.

The Most Powerful Words A Parent Can Use

Don't we all want to hear our parents say "well done" or appreciate something about us? Ever since I read the book The Blessing by Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent about 25 years ago, I have worked hard to verbally tell my children something special about them and how God will use it in their futures. In my work, I routinely encourage parents to "picture a special future" for each of their children and to do it out loud.

Many people pass through childhood merely attending life and pouf they're an adult and just go through the motions. Day fades into day fades into years simply functioning - joy is absent. Sometimes it is due to economic or social circumstances. Sometimes it's just because their parents didn't or couldn't picture a special future for them. That's what is called a blessing.

Passing on a blessing was a huge deal in the Old Testament (the part of the Bible that talks about life on this planet before Jesus was born). It's important because it shows us customs and history that feed into today. The Old Testament blessing was a tradition given by the father to the oldest son in the family and carried its weight to his future lineage. It was bestowed hope and a positive pronouncement coveted by the child. It governed his future life from that point forward. A verbal treasure, done just once. An honor with the authority of God behind his father's well chosen words.

Smalley and Trent have concluded - and I agree - that inside the heart of every one of us is a desire to hear a good word from his or her parents. Their book talks about how to give a blessing to our own children, even if we never received it ourselves. This is a powerful thought: You can give something you never received (and even still want) yourself! The book includes rationale on why your parents might have been unable to give you a blessing. Absorbing that will clear your heart and mind so you can give a blessing to your kids. It is one of the most powerful parenting books I have ever read.

I've met adults who were told horrible things while they were growing up. "You are fat", "You are such a klutz", "Why can't you be like your sister?" "When will you ever learn?" "You ruined my life",  "I wish I had had an abortion", "You just have to be like this, don't you??", "You are such a brat", "You're gonna have to be smart cuz your looks won't help", "You're stupid", "What is wrong with you?!?" "Who will ever want to marry you?", "You make me so mad", "I can't wait til you are out of the house." All of the above have been told to people I have met. All of them have damaged souls.

Some condemnation wasn't actually said. It's what wasn't said that damages. Many adults with grown children of their own still ache for their parents to say something positive. To those of us in that boat, I say do the work to let go of that hope. It is likely not to happen and your emotions will do better investing in something worthwhile. Like...the next generation.

So let's influence each generation to come by picturing a special future not once, but as a matter of course as you do life. Let's empower our kids and grandkids to recognize their gifts and strengths and visualize how they can contribute to the world. Or, what I like to call "becoming a solid citizen". You'd be surprised at how many youth can't see beyond tomorrow or maybe their birthday. Many can't even comprehend consequences. Let's help them picture their futures and maybe we can stop just one kid from taking a hammer and breaking in to the gas station down the block.

Are you wondering what to say?

Well, you don't set up a meeting and clear your throat or light candles or even tell the kids you are giving them a blessing. You just do it wherever you happen to be and you notice a quality to affirm. It's about character and ability, so no talking about Sally's cute little button nose that she had no control over.  Say things along these lines: "You are such a great artist - when you are grown up many people will appreciate your pictures." "You were so brave to help me kill that bug. When you're a Daddy, your children will feel safe with you, too." "You are so good at writing stories! You could write a book about adventures." "I know this is hard. This is good practice for other hard things that will happen. You are handling it well." "You are really good at figuring things out, will you please help me put this lamp together?" "You are such a fast learner!" "It's great how you like to try new things - you could go anywhere in the world and talk to people."

Pretty much anything positive that you see your child do or be can be turned into a blessing. Catch them doing something right and every once in awhile, verbalize it to them. Tomorrow will soon be upon them, and we want to get them ready bit by bit. Do this and you know they will pass it on to their children. And so on.

#ImpactingGenerations

How To "Mean Business"

Recently I was visiting a client and their big dog kept wanting to slobber on me. Now I do like dogs, but not the slobber. The owner told the hound "no" several times and the dog ignored her, sat at my feet and looked me in the eye. Frustrated, the owner said "Go to your bed" and he got half-way there before he decided he didn't want to comply. Back he trotted to the fascination of my presence. I looked him in the eye and repeated the owner's command to go to his bed. Off he went. The owner was impressed (so was I). I told her I was a dog whisperer.

It was all in the tone. The dog owner was soft-spoken and seemed to be asking the dog a question, not issuing a command. I've met parents who plead with their kids to listen to them. Their sentences end with a high note as if asking a question. "Time to put our shoes on?" "We have to go now?" It sounds as if they are asking permission to be in authority.

Don't approach your kids with the attitude of "you don't want to listen to me do you?" They will smell that aura before you even enter the room. Use a confident, firm voice and have a serious look in your eyes. Your expression should show you mean business without looking like a stern old crab. Even if you are not calm and confident, you can act like it. I found that the more I acted like it, the more confident I became.

Make statements as if they are a universal truth without variables. Invite no debate. "Feet stay on the floor." "Throwing is for outside." "Painting is at the table." "We use our inside voices." "We pick up the game before dinner." "There is one snack for each of you."

The kinds of questions to ask are the ones you offer two choices for and let the kid decide because either way, you get what you needed them to do taken care of.

Examples: "Tommy do you want to put your shoes on before or after you take your medicine?" "Do you want to buckle your seatbelt or do you want me to?" "Do you want to have a book or music for your nap?" "Do you want to eat your vegetables between your bites of chicken or all at once?"You get the idea. Once you get going, you won't be able to stop. Just don't be offering a six year old his choice of cup colors. This is mostly for the two to five set. It will also work with Special Needs kids.

Not only does "meaning business" involve confidence and tone, it involves consisentency. If you do this for two days and slip back into nagging and retorting, don't expect your child to give you leeway. They need you to be consistent with your approach as much as your rules. Their secuirty comes from the safe parameters you establish and keep. Picture coming home to your house every day with windows, doors, siding or the fence missing. You want the whole house there but you don't know what to expect because sometimes something is gone. That's what it is like for children when parents fail to behave consistently.

And when we aren't consistent, kids invent their own way to cope and it usually involves pushing limits. If you keep things as usual as possible without being a drill sergeant, you will save yourself many futile argeuments and repeated answers.

Speaking of repetition, do that when your child keeps asking you the same thing. Say they had their snack and they want another one and you don't want them to have one (although I would personally give them another apple). You say "There was one snack for each of you." Your child whines that they are still hungry. Your repeat "There was one snack for each of you." Keep saying this. You can end with "Dinner is at six." Whatever you do, do not start a lecture or get into a dialog. If you say things like "That was a large enough snack and you don't finish snacks when I give you two anyway" or "I don't want you to fill up before dinner and you didn't eat all of your lunch and you are wasting food" or anything like that, you are losing your leverage. The more I think about it, I would handle snacks differently. You can keep apples and carrots and sliced carrots in your fridge and let them have it. If they get full, look at what healthy stuff it was.

When you start to barter and over-explain, you have lost your position in their eyes. So the things you want to barter about had better be worth it. Snacks really aren't. I don't think pajamas or showers are either. Holding personal responsibility? You bet. Showing courtesy and respect? Of course. Behaing honestly and ethically all the time? Absolutely.

Remember in all your blood, sweat and tears of child-raising to remember to authentically catch them doing something right as often as you can. Praise and affirmation go a long way in building solid-citizen character and establishing you as a loving, trusting authority. It's a perfect counterpart to meaning business.

Lunch With a Drill Sergeant

It's just a couple days before Christmas and I stopped to pick up some stocking stuffferes and meet a friend for a mocha. Thank you, Target for having Starbucks. I am not a fan of having to share the cafe with all the pizza from the food area but this will do in a pinch.

I picked a table off to the side and manoevered my cart through empty, salty tables. Just as I sat down, five little kids clad in warm winter wear clamored their way near my table. "Let's get this one!" cried the oldest (all of maybe seven). The others followed his lead, dragging chairs and settling in behind me til the dad appeared.

Apparently they are waiting for some hot food to be prepared to complete the meal and he only brought their sodas. "Don't throw it on the floor!" Scolded dad.

Scuffling chair scraping.

"I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop." Chirped a little one while dad was giving seating directions.

"Where is our food???" "We just ordered, they're making it."

"Sit on your butt."

"Butt, butt."

"Stop it."

"Take your jacket off."

"Stop it."

"You eat your sauce."

"Don't touch."

"Chew it."

"Be nice."

When dad left them again presumabley to get the food, an arguement erupted as the same brother told to be nice began ordering a little sister to "get off my world" over and over. "No! No!"shrieked little sister as she clenched a handheld game. "Get OFF my world!"

Dad came back and began to negotiate. "Stop talking or I'll put you bed. How bout this? She's not in your world." His was not confident and by his tone you could tell he cajoled often. When the kids disagreed with his world-deal, he began, "honey, honey" trying to quell emotions.

The rest of their meal was accompanied by kid whines and more parental pleads.

Across the seating area at the counter in front of me I hear:

"I don't know, I just know I didn't do it." Giggled another child sitting next to her father.  He only had three kids with him and was laid-back and grinning. I watched him tenderly sweep hair off the face of one of his girls and tell them what they were going to go get mom after this. He followed by asking open questions that all three piped up to answer. They were conversing. Not once did he 'have' to tell his wigglers to do a thing. Yes they were spinning on the stools as they ate, but wouldn't you if you were eight? They statyed put and were fully engaged with their father.

Okay, so the gang of five had more little people but this illustrates two parenting extremes. (Right next to my quiet table.) One parent reacted and lacked authority in his kids' eyes. The other parent guided the activity and had full authority. His used his position confidently but loosely. The other one merely threw out commands hoping they'd stick. The kids at his table were not having fun, they were merely being herded. The other kids were giggling and enjoying some time with dad.

Two fathers. Two extremes. Which one's kids are going to have a fond memory about the day they went Christmas shopping with dad and stopped for lunch?

No! No Nothing!

Recently I was checking out at Target, and a frustrated mom behind me was attempting to control her two kids. A boy about 7 and a girl about 5 is my age guess.

As they plopped down the sale Halloween costume behind me, an excited brother began hugging and lifting his giggling sister. They were moving a bit and gently bumped into me, but it was all sibling silliness so I grinned. Mom on the other hand would have none of this. "No!" She scolded." No! Stop that! That is inappropriate. No! Don't touch each other!!!"

The kids untagled themselves and began doing other normal sibling things as they waited in line. Again I hear mom say, "No! No! No stop that, don't do that!" Followed by the ultimate command, "NO talking!"

Of course that didn't stop the (minimal) chatter or the giggles from her kids. As the cashier finished bagging my groceries, we heard mom utter "no" at least another dozen times. The kids were never loud nor did they leave their mom's bubble. They remained smiling and upbeat but mom was stern and throwing out "no-bombs" every other breath.

The kids were not defiant or bratty. They were just kids. Kids move and kids chatter. Mom has already used up her lifetime clout for the word "no" and neither one of them is any where near the teen years. By over-using and misapplying this word, the kids have become desensitized to it. And sadly, they don't respect their mother because of it. Now she is the fun-buster who continues to show them that she doesn't understand kids and wants to control every aspect of their lives - including how they stand in line.

Parents - please do teach your children how to stand in line by not intruding on other's body space or touching goods for sale you aren't buying. Please do teach your children to stand near you and use quiet voices. And please, please please teach your children that in North America when you walk store aisles you do so on the right and do not block other customers. But there is no need to order your children to stand completely still and not utter a peep. What's next? Telling them what to think?

And, when you teach them you demonstrate and use simple words in a pleasant tone.  You say "We stand like this in line" or "We only touch things we are buying" or "Thanks for standing near me". We don't start anything with the word "No" unless their life is at risk. Yes, we can answer a request with the word no, that's different that starting a sentence with it - especially one we are using to train our kids.

Remember to use age-appropriate phrases in a tone expecting they will comply. When you show the level of your frustration, you invite them to test you by continuing. A gently phrased statement works wonders. All this mom needed to do was say, "We are keeping our arms to ourselves. Tommy will you come next to me please?" That interrupts the antsy behavior and reduces the possibility of escalation. She could even ruffle his hair with a loving gesture when he complied.

If the kids were those terrors we often see, mom should leave the store and the costume behind, simply telling the cashier she is sorry her kids were being disrespectful and there would be no shopping today. The drive home should be silent. No ranting. And the next time mom goes to the store, the kids do not have the privelidge of coming along.

Everywhere you go is an opportunity to model behavior and teach your children how to be a pleasant citzen. But they don't need lectures, and they don't need to be micromanaged. No, they don't.

Overheard at Target

In Target, my favorite endcap display is the one that says “As Seen on TV” and has all the gagets and gizmos offered for sale on TV if you just call an 800 number. Yet here they are and I didn’t have to make a call!

Well, here are some actual comments I’ve heard from parents directed at their kids:

“You just can’t be good, can you?!!”

“Stop it, I mean it, stop it. That’s the 10th time I’ve said this so STOP IT!!!”

“Now you can’t have your birthday party!!”

“How many times do I have to tell you this!!!”

“You just don’t want to listen, do you???”

“Your father should not have let you do that, he’s wrong.”

“You are a bad girl/boy!!!”

“Kid for sale!”

“You two are such brats, shut up!!!”

“I can’t WAIT til you go back to school!!”

“She’s a terror.”

“I will take away your Christmas presents.”

“You can’t ever have ice cream again.”

“How many times have I told you to leave your boots by the door???!”

Most of these comments were made under duress. Many of them were made in public as a frazzled parent was pushing a grocery cart with several kids in tow. I have noticed that the children do not react to these comments, which tells me they are not new. And of course there will still be Christmas presents.

Empty threats. We might as well just recite the Periodic Table, that doesn’t make sense to little kids, either.

Here’s a way to de-personalize teaching opportunities – omit the personal pronouns. Instead of “You go put your boots away!” calmly state: “The boots belong by the door.” Carry this further: “Feet go on the floor” (resist following that by “not on the furniture”), “Dirty dishes go in the sink”, “China is not touched”, “Inside voices inside the store”, “The water bucket stays outside”. Short, simple and instructional. Say it in a non-negotiable, calm voice as if the entire solar system follows this procedure. Expect the kids to follow through.

If you are teaching public behavior in the store, then I would add a “we”. “We stay by the cart (or in the cart) in the store. We listen to mom.” (Then if they don’t, do the thing I mentioned in an earlier blog and promptly leave the store. Do not check out or finish shopping.) I used to let my kids pick out a couple of food items during a grocery store trip. They could not exceed our limit, and learned to self-edit or replace items if they wanted something different from another aisle. “Can I just have this?” “Sure, just put something else back.” The thinking and selection was up to them, not for me to narrate.

Every once in awhile I hear a parent encouraging their kids in public. Here is where I would use the personal pronouns big time to affirm positive behaviors or decisions. “You are doing a great job of standing in the hotdog line.” “That was so thoughtful the way you held your sister’s hand.” “Thanks for staying so close to me while we walk through the parking lot.” “You listened so well, way to go!!” “Wow, thanks for holding the door for us” “You were so polite, awesome job buddy!”

The point is to affirm the act, not the person. If we tell our kids “Mommy loves you because you stood in line so well,” that places the condition of love on their appropriate response and they might not always respond correctly. Better to say “Mommy loves you all the time”, period and save the affirmation of the act for a separate sentence. Little kids are very literal. When we were moving and told our six year old son we would be taking his room, he wondered how the room would fit on the truck and attach itself to the new house. Simple, short sentences work best. “Every THING inside your room will come to the new house.”

If you have ever been that empty-threat parent described above, it is never too late to sit with your kids and apologize for the words you have used and ask for their forgiveness. Then ask God to do some erasing of those memories and move on.