Routines Are Friends

One of my favorite lines in the animated movie Finding Nemo is when Bruce the shark recites the mantra "Fish are friends, not food." I use that voice in my head when referring to routines with our kids. Routines are our friends because they provide the structure and security every child needs, whether they know it or not.

I've met parents so regimented they refuse to adjust a nap or lunch time no matter who is in town. 11:30 is the time, lunch is the agenda, period. They expect everyone else to follow their schedule. I've met parents who packed three backpacks and camped by the sea in Mexico with their toddler for six months. (When they returned, they said they'd never do that again.) I've met parents who go about their own routines and fit the child in - and are surprised to learn their kid is hungry after hours of touring open houses or whatever else was on their adult docket. I've met parents who pack a bag of age-appropriate toddler toys and leave it in the trunk while they visit friends and then follow the kid around the host house telling them "no!" I've been the parent so busy my little one didn't get a nap and experienced consequences of their late afternoon meltdown.

When my girl was 18 months old, we took her on a two-week vacation cross country. She had so many new sights and people to experience, she refused any nap the entire time. On the flight home, she had a super freak melt-down in my arms, wrestling and uncharacteristically pounding against me so hard she knocked my pearl earrings out of my ears. Once home, she solidly collapsed in her crib and slept straight for 24 hours. I learned the hard way that any change in routine impacts our wee ones mightily.

In working with kids and families for several decades, the biggest duh I've learned is that children crave routine. They need to know what comes next. If you are a shoot-from-the-hip carefree person like me, it will take extra work on your part to give your kids the framework they need. But it will be worth your efforts. Most kids want to feel regulated and experience a sense of order. No, they don't want or need a drill sergeant, but they do feel more secure when they can regularly experience routine and just plain know what to expect. My son taught me this as a toddler. He would always ask me what comes next and boom! I figured out that I needed to simmer down and regulate. You bet I did. After all, parenting is not about the parent - it's about giving the kids a secure, safe daily life.

Routines are friends. They may bore you like crazy, but being a parent is about stepping outside yourself and investing in smaller human beings who trust you for no reason at all. I say honor that innocence and provide them the emotional security they not only need, but truly require. That becomes their framework for development.

Breaking this down, it means that kids need a daily schedule. The more you follow the schedule - however loose - the better your kids will function. If you have a special needs child, this is not only important - it is essential. One missed appointment can set a special needs child back multiple steps. If you are making progress, a missed step can force you back to your starting point. No matter what is going on or how you feel, don't skip a routine. I can't tell you how many times I have seen parents regret that as their child continues to float. Keep on keeping on.

Another good thing about routines is that once you have them in place, your home can run itself and you get to just follow along without the pressure of having to come up with something. AND, you can "blame" the routine you have established. Example: "We go to bed at 8:00." "We take baths before bed." "We pack our lunch after dinner." You get the idea. Pouf - no more creation of new talking points. You can mentally rest with a big smile instead, and just love on your kids.

Remain neutral in your speech and go for a simple schedule that gives you a framework for your family to follow. Whatever you do, please do not become a controller. Be an upbeat, calm guider. Controllers drive people away forever. Guiders are there for life.

For instance: Kids will love that Tuesday night is Taco night. They will come to anticipate it and it will comfort them as they move through the turbulence of adolescence and get launched as young adults. Or...What if you establish two days a week as Laundry Day? They will know they get to help fold baskets full or put away stuff. You get the idea. The bigger the family, the more important routines become for obvious reasons.

Routines. The best friend a parent can ever have. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you want your kids in your life as adults.

Conquering Morning Mayhem

I dream of mornings that unveil a day where time moves slowly and everything is smooth and orderly. In order to pretend I had such a start to my day when my kids were little, I would do as much as possible ahead of time the night before so we could think we were waltzing - not rushing - out the door. Despite my best efforts, most mornings offered unexpected detours that cooled our zen.

Lost keys, dog poop or the discovery that what I'd chosen to wear had an obvious stain were just some of the "opportunities" to overcome in the dash to exit on time. We dealt with it and lived through it. With each birthday things got smoother... But remember with kids 10 years apart, that took longer. On the other hand, with that big age gap, at least I was only helping one kid at a time put on their shoes and adjust that sock so it didn't bug them.

My morning mayhem stories are mostly worth a chuckle, and that mayhem is now part of history. We made it through! But what if you have a special needs child on top of the routines requiring parental intervention and supervision? This season is not going to fade away on any predictable timeline, but you can set up some routines that can help your child and your family manage.

If your family is struggling, here are some pointers that work:

First of all, limit the household activity to the goal of getting up and out on time. Don't add extra people or tasks. Parents with special needs kids don't need to supervise sibling piano practice or friends waiting for the bus.

Siblings should get set up to leave the night before. Shower. Pack the backpack, sign the parent permission slip, make the lunch and put it in the fridge. Lay out tomorrow's outfit. Kids as young as 5 can help butter their bread or put fruit in the lunchbox.

Share in the task of getting breakfast ready for the family. Older siblings can set the table and put out cereal and fruit. If you are really brave, pick a day a week to serve a hot meal with similar help. Teach everyone to rinse their dishes when they are done. At least leave the breakfast table cleared.

For any child who is more anxious, the more consistent the routine, the better. Children like to know what to expect. It provides security.

Something I recently introduced is a hands-on morning management technique. The parent picked just two things to focus on for the special needs child. I made them a "Feed the Fish" poster with a colorful, textured fish they could "feed" each time the child accomplished those two things. This child happens to love cereal, so I went online and printed out a bunch of real cereal box images and then laminated them as playing cards. Each morning the parent sees the child doing one of the two goals, he gets to feed the fish a box of cereal. At the end of the week, the boxes are counted up and a small reward is given.

I love this technique because it is reusable. You can adjust your goals after mastery. The key to any reward system is that the parents remain consistent. You can't be too tired or distracted one day because your child is building momentum. One missed morning to you may be no big deal, but may cause a setback for your child.

As always, resist the urge to narrate or offer lengthy reasoning. Get a vaccination to prevent this atrocity. Do not reply to sass. Keep restating what needs to happen like a broken record if need be. And whatever you do, don't let them see you lose your cool. (It's Academy Award time!)

Finally, enlist the cheers from the rest of the family. Sibling praises for the work of a special needs  child speak volumes. I think only the parent should hand out the cereal, though. That is the person the kids need to respect and listen to the most.

Whatever you do, don't rush or overcrowd what you are trying to teach. One thing taught and mastered without confusion is much more valuable than attempts to hit a number of things at once. Enthusiastically praise. Make a big deal and look your child in the eyes as you say "Way to go!" or "You did it!!" or "Thank you!!"  Sometimes, I like to affirm "I knew you could do that!"

I hope this inspires you in making routines fun for your family!