Survivor Parenting

Are you a parent going through a crisis? You and your kids have stared horror in the face. At first you learned to put one foot in front of the other and a pot of dinner on the table.  You watched yourself go through the motions. Then reality and adrenaline hit and you went into survivor mode - doing everything a fierce parent-bear would do to protect their cubs. You and your kids bonded while learning to fight the battle and survive the war. You are survivors!

This is a toughie. Those of us who once navigated terror have come out on the other side, shaking off the dust or the water beads. We have traveled to hell and back, clung to each other and prayed fervently. I often refer to this as having crawled under the barbed wire together.

At some point, the active horror ends. What do we do then with our "escapee-survivor" relationships? How do we move on and leave this terror as a dot in the rearview mirror?

I've met two kinds of  "escapee-survivors". The sad kind that continue to live and define themselves by reliving it and giving it space in their mind and heart, and the amazing kind who survived a prison camp but you wouldn't know it by the lives they lead. Then of course, I've met those who misuse the word "crisis" and apply it to something polar opposite such as a messy bathroom while pregnant. One woman was "in crisis" and couldn't cook dinner. When the church meal brigade stopped over with an entire dinner for the family, she was out getting a manicure. These people I run from, but I will sit by the side of anyone wanting to work through and conquer any day.

So just how do we go from the horror to moving ahead without wrecking our kids?

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to fully accept and process. You may have some forgiving to do, too. Just because it will take time doesn't mean you can't make steps. One of those should be to the office of a qualified counselor. Find someone with experience in your area of need and be aware that this crisis may trigger other issues. A good counselor will help you identify and manage your triggers. Your children may need counseling, too. Again, find one experienced in the area they need help. Don't be shy about asking questions on the phone.

Second, take care of yourself. Bubble baths, warm showers, naps. And if you're a girl, sure why not get a manicure? (Just don't tell the church you can't cook dinner.) The point is to treat yourself kindly. You need your strength, whatever it is, to deal with the kids. Do not put yourself in social positions that could add to your pain. Getting divorced? Don't feel obligated to attend a wedding. Limit what you read or watch to things that won't remind you of your crisis. In short, be careful. The more self care you provide, you will be able to parent in a calmer manner.

Third, watch who you confide in. You do not need many confidants. Recently I met a mom in a really tough situation so I was giving her support - until I found out she had 7 others on her chat list. Then I told her to reign in select carefully. You do not need to hear yourself repeating sad or bad things over and over. And not everyone can support you. The best crisis advice I received was from two good friends who came to me and told me they would be my PR. So instead of answering mail, messages and the door - they took over and filtered for me. They gave out just the right amount of information for my privacy and shouldered my burden. My load felt so much lighter and my days were not as heavy.

Fourth, return the household to consistent operations as quickly as possible. Kids are most secure with schedules and expectations made clear. With everything that is going on, they need to know that comfort now more than ever. Even if you have changed your living arrangements, you can still eat at the same time and have that bedtime story. This will be soothing for you, too.

Fifth, resist the temptation to confide in your kids or rely on them to take an adult's place. They are still kids even though what they have seen and experienced is beyond what you would ever want them to know. As much as you want to have fun with them - and you should - they are not your friends.  They need you to be the adult. They want the hierarchy in place - don't take it away from them. You don't need to give more information than is age appropriate for them to handle.

Finally, picture your lives moving along out loud. Envision what the rebuilt home will look like. Talk about positive things. You don't want to act as if the crisis never happened, but you do not need to relive it daily either. I've met both extremes and neither is healthy. Find the healthy balance and stay in that zone.

Never estimate the power of a grunted prayer. You may be so broken that's all you can get out. You may not have the words to share with God, but God is still God. The good news is that he is beyond our words and is right there with you amidst the grunts and swollen eyes crying on the bedroom floor. The more you pray as you go through and move past, the more trust you will have and the more you will be reminded that the Creator of the Universe truly has you in the palm of his hand - all the time.

My prayer for any reader in crisis is that one day, it will become a speck in your rearview mirror and you too can encourage others.

What to Tell Kids About the Boston Terrorist Attack

No matter how histroy or the media will refer to the attack on Boston the day of the infamous marathon, it was an act of terror. As of this writing, no entity has claimed credit but there are two suspects. Inflicting death and fear on innocent, unsuspecting people gathered for a celebratory event is terrorism - even if it comes from within our own country. The very definition of terrorism is to terrify. And that it did. Not only those present, but with the images we continue to see repeated around the world, we can all be terrified. We can all cry for what has destroyed lives and families in a country that is supposed to be great. Great and safe.

As I visited articles on the web, I was forced to see photo after photo capturing the hundreds of stories and conditions of the victims. At first I was sickened at the sight of so much blood. So much destruction. Faces captured writhing in pain or stunned in shock. It is a horror that has only begun the first chapter in what comes next for all these people. And our nation.

But as I tapped through the pictures something else became clear. For every one person on a stretcher or collapsed on the ground, one or more passersby or neon-vested emergency official was also there. It wasn't just one person pushing a gurney toward an ambulance, it was a handful! There is a photo of a half-dozen police men unholstering their guns at the sound of the second explosion. There is a picture of a woman laying face down on the sidewalk with a man who had thrown his body over her.

No one was alone that day.

The city had prepared. When the unthinkable happened,the emergency plan was enacted and the officers, troopers, emergency crews went to work. They were aided by regular people. The ones on the side lines and the ones in the street. Everyone worked together instantaneously. That gives me chills and restores my faith in human nature.

God was there in the midst of the blood and debris and horror. He was there under a vest, in a wheelchair, in a blanket. In the arms of a stranger helping another stranger. He was already there before the marathon started. He was with all the contingency planners and emergency training. Our runners were never alone. He was there when three innocent people lost their lives. He was there while other people lost their legs. He was there as every piece of metal hurled itself into unsuscepcting bodies. He was there with each turn of the ambulance wheels racing toward emergency rooms.

He is there now, comforting the families and nursing damaged souls and bodies. He is there now as law enforcement agencies work round the clock to unearth every detail about those responsible. He is the hands and equipment being used to bring healing.

He doesn't wear a bright neon vest or carry a sign, so we can't always see him. But we can always see evidence of him. Just like one season transitioning into another. He is always here. Evil happens, but it is not more powerful than God.

Seeing those determined faces of bystanders and emergency workers affirmed to me that God is good.

Many people were hurt that day, but many more remained safe. Many people who didn't know each other before the marathon are now being helped and prayed for. That is the testimony of God's goodness.

It was supposed to be a fun day that gave participants bragging rights. Instead it became another day we will never forget reminding us that we cannot take anything for granted. It can also become a day that reminds us that God never leaves us, not ever.

What would I tell kids? Aside from limiting their exposure to repeated media images...That help was there in the midst of horror. That God was with every single person and that no one was or is ever alone. In the happy and sad times God is God. God is bigger than evil. Goodness and evil are not equal. Goodness is greater. God did not cause that horror, he rescued it. Just like he rescued us through his Son Jesus Christ.