Is This For You or For Them?

Did you grow up playing the piano - so now your kids have to?

When you were in grade school, did you attend a Bible club - so yours do now?

Did your mom pierce your ears as an infant, so that's what you did to your baby?

Do you carry on a childhood Sunday night Family Dinner Night tradtion today?

Some nastalgic tradtions pass on meaning to future generations. How wonderful to clear calendars and gather for a meal with relatives - especially in today's shrinking margin of free time. Perhaps infant ear-piercing has a significance in your family.  The 1950s TV show Leave it to Beaver had the family dress for their nightly dinner at the dining room table. And don't piano lessons teach responsibility? Awwww.

If you have fond memories of attending a church sponsored children's club, there is a strong likelihood you may want to share that with your children. Often, it's the parents who never participated in church activities as a child that are insistent in providing that experience for their children today. Sometimes, it's the opposite: they grew up spending so much time at church they are burned out and decide their children "can choose for themselves" at some point.

Same goes with music lessons.

The trouble with not being intentional about what we expose our children to during their developing years is that their filter is not well-balanced.

How will they know they might like to skate if they never get to try? How can they know their soul sings when they paint if they are never exposed to it? If they aren't introduced to soccer, how will they know if they are good at kicking? Same goes with church. Kids only know what they experience in their everyday lives. My goal was to ensure that physical, spiritual and artistic categories were covered over a dozen + years so that by the time they graduated highschool, my kids had discovered some talents, passions and God. From there, they can launch full-force into their first foray in the real, big world.

We've all seen the kid with the father who had been an all-star back in the day. Dad puts extra pressure on his kid to perform. Or maybe it's the beauty pagent mom who wants her girl to "be pretty" but poor little Lulu has a weight problem. (Cringe on both.)

I met a passionate Girl Scout leader with a daughter who shrugs and says "it's boring". Mom corrects by telling her how fun it was when they went here and there and they did this and that.  Her girl agreed the field trips were fun, but the weekly meetings weren't. Mom innocently believes her beloved kiddo needs to learn to appreciate it more and urges her to finish the written work in order to earn her two new badges "because Girl Scouts is fun". The child dutifully sat down and did the work, much to mom's delight.

In this sceanrio, who likes Girl Scouts? Not the girl. This particular troop is organized in a fashion that speaks to the way mom likes to process, but not the girl. She just loves her mama and wants to please her. I'll wager that whatever her written assignment was is not any aquired knowledge.

In our scope of parenting, it's important to seek objectivity. Ask ourselves if we are covering all the bases with a variety of learning expriences. Frontmost in our minds must be the question "is this what honors my child's learning style and interests?"

Not every child knows they want to play the tuba, it's our job to strategically expose them to the opportunities to discover that - even if we have no prior experience or tuba-love.  When we find out something isn't a fit, we readjust rather than continue to push the point.

In the case of the Girl Scout illustration, the little girl's 3 faithful years of attendance is more than enough. If mom continues to push, her tween will then determine mom doesn't understand and look elsewhere for support during upcoming critical developmental years.

Parents: I repeat. Is this for you or for you kid?

No! No Nothing!

Recently I was checking out at Target, and a frustrated mom behind me was attempting to control her two kids. A boy about 7 and a girl about 5 is my age guess.

As they plopped down the sale Halloween costume behind me, an excited brother began hugging and lifting his giggling sister. They were moving a bit and gently bumped into me, but it was all sibling silliness so I grinned. Mom on the other hand would have none of this. "No!" She scolded." No! Stop that! That is inappropriate. No! Don't touch each other!!!"

The kids untagled themselves and began doing other normal sibling things as they waited in line. Again I hear mom say, "No! No! No stop that, don't do that!" Followed by the ultimate command, "NO talking!"

Of course that didn't stop the (minimal) chatter or the giggles from her kids. As the cashier finished bagging my groceries, we heard mom utter "no" at least another dozen times. The kids were never loud nor did they leave their mom's bubble. They remained smiling and upbeat but mom was stern and throwing out "no-bombs" every other breath.

The kids were not defiant or bratty. They were just kids. Kids move and kids chatter. Mom has already used up her lifetime clout for the word "no" and neither one of them is any where near the teen years. By over-using and misapplying this word, the kids have become desensitized to it. And sadly, they don't respect their mother because of it. Now she is the fun-buster who continues to show them that she doesn't understand kids and wants to control every aspect of their lives - including how they stand in line.

Parents - please do teach your children how to stand in line by not intruding on other's body space or touching goods for sale you aren't buying. Please do teach your children to stand near you and use quiet voices. And please, please please teach your children that in North America when you walk store aisles you do so on the right and do not block other customers. But there is no need to order your children to stand completely still and not utter a peep. What's next? Telling them what to think?

And, when you teach them you demonstrate and use simple words in a pleasant tone.  You say "We stand like this in line" or "We only touch things we are buying" or "Thanks for standing near me". We don't start anything with the word "No" unless their life is at risk. Yes, we can answer a request with the word no, that's different that starting a sentence with it - especially one we are using to train our kids.

Remember to use age-appropriate phrases in a tone expecting they will comply. When you show the level of your frustration, you invite them to test you by continuing. A gently phrased statement works wonders. All this mom needed to do was say, "We are keeping our arms to ourselves. Tommy will you come next to me please?" That interrupts the antsy behavior and reduces the possibility of escalation. She could even ruffle his hair with a loving gesture when he complied.

If the kids were those terrors we often see, mom should leave the store and the costume behind, simply telling the cashier she is sorry her kids were being disrespectful and there would be no shopping today. The drive home should be silent. No ranting. And the next time mom goes to the store, the kids do not have the privelidge of coming along.

Everywhere you go is an opportunity to model behavior and teach your children how to be a pleasant citzen. But they don't need lectures, and they don't need to be micromanaged. No, they don't.

Leaving No Stone Unturned

One of my driving forces is that when something needs to happen, I exhaust the possibilities with research beyond what it would normally take. After all, I have to accomplish this thing. I don't do one thing and wait, I do a number of things and keep going until I unearth the answer or achieve the goal.

Simple Example: when we were moving back to the Minneapolis area a few months ago and looking for a rental home, I did the usual Craigslist and online searches. Then I emailed friends I knew were connected to real estate. I even went on Face Book. Guess what? It was the FB post that landed us our home.

When both my kids were little, I asked them each the following question: You are on an important journey that takes you on a long path through a forrest. As you walk along, suddenly you come upon a HUGE boulder as big as our house! It is blocking the path. What do you do? The answer I prayed not to hear was something like "sit down and wait for help" or "turn around". Thankfully, both of my kids indicated different tactics they would take to get past the boulder and continue on the journey.

Okay you might be saying, that is nice story but what about in real life? Would they still get past that boulder? I am happy to report a resounding yes.

Just the other day my second born had his real life "boulder" experience at school. He was taking his fourth high school lab science class and didn't think he would need it for graduation and wanted to drop it as it was an elective. He went to the counselor who did not know if all of the other three counted as lab science. He went to the current teacher who didn't know, either. He emailed the university he wants to apply to and asked them. Knowing he was not going to get an answer right away, we sought out the teacher of the prior science class in question who told him it indeed counted. There was not another thing he could have done to cover all his bases. After a few days he was able to drop the course - he only had to wait a little while. But he could rest during his waiting knowing that he had done as much as he could to unearth the answer he needed. He was prepared to continue the class if need be, but was thrilled he did not have to.

I didn't know anything about the details until he got home from school that day. All I knew was that he was going to try and drop the class if he had all the necessary credits. He took over and got the answers - he didn't just walk up to one person and stop there. My respect for him has soared!

The other day I got the confirmation that he has that even-keeled determination and critical thinking to handle situations even when the facts say otherwise. He does not need to be told how to think things through by another entity. He will not be blindly lead or swallow everything up front as if it is a truth.

Hallelujah I've got two of these!!!

Passing On Fear

Am I over-sharing if I tell you that my favorite guilty pleasure on television is the reality show Giuliana and Bill? When it comes on, my husband groans and leaves the room, so now I record it and watch it later. Giuliana Rancic is very open about her phobias in her TV show also featuring hubby Bill and miracle baby Duke. Now that they are parents, I get a kick out of the lengths they will earnestly explore in order to parent their son.

The other night, Giuliana had a beauty pageant to host, so Bill flew to Lake Michigan with the baby to teach him not to be afraid of the water like his mother. He bundled the approximate 9-month-old into a water safety suit, climbed into a giant inner tub and held him tightly while a speed boat pulled them around. When Giuliana joined them, they went to the top of a sky scraper and walked to the edge of the balcony. The trouble was, the floor became glass so it looked like you were walking over nothing. Bill and the Baby did just fine, but Giuliana couldn't do it. She kept saying things like, "Baby Duke, you're not gonna be afraid like Mommy, right?"

I think parents can pass on fears by how they address them or what they demonstrate to their kids. Announcing it like Giuliana did won't work. All that did was call attention to it. The good news is that at this age, Duke probably didn't know what mom was saying - but I bet he could pick up her vibe of anxiety.

Rather than pass on my fears, I would rather my kids get some of their own. In a perfect world, it would be great if no one was crippled by any fears and just had those healthy ones like don't stick your hand on the stove. However, I understand Giuliana's fear of heights full well. The difference is that instead of showing it to my kids, I just stepped aside and let Granda take them up to the top or let Dad take them on the world's tallest roller coaster. I let them know I wasn't comfortable but urged them to have fun. Now it is the family inside joke. Fine with me, I'm still waiting by the ground floor exit.

Being raised by a mother who was afraid of her own shadow was tough. She expected me not to "step on a crack" or not "walk under a ladder" right along with her. When I was seven, I accidentally broke a small mirror. "Oh no," she solemnly warned me, "Now you're going to have seven years of bad luck!" And while she never brought that up again, I remember thinking that the "bad" things that happened were a result of that mirror and counting the years until I was 14. And wouldn't you know, I broke another mirror then.

Parents are the front-line influencers of our children for the first dozen years, until peers creep in and seem to take over our role for awhile. We have to remember it is much less what we say than what we display. My mom never said she was afraid of small spaces, she just screeched and clasped me in elevators. She never said she was afraid of fire, she just counted all the stove burners that were shut off before we left the house. While all of this was happening, I thought it was normal. After all, this was my mom and my family.

It took time to see that her anxiety was not like other moms, and by the time I was in my mid-teens, would gently tease her. But she took her fears seriously and gave them a place to live inside her. What she unintentionally taught was that "something bad was going to happen". Remember, she never said it, she just lived it. Of course her own childhood had a great deal to do with it - I never knew those details until I was an adult.

There are reasons why someone can become anxious, but they don't have to become the excuse. And we don't have to use it as permission to stay that way. We can work through anxiety and fear with good counseling. We don't have to be governed by it. And that's why I tried not to give too much attention to my fear of heights in front of my kids. Neither one of them have developed that fear. I just don't like being on the edge of a drop-off, that's all.

So to Giuliana, I say hats off to you for acknowledging your fears and wanting to deal with them. Just don't involve your baby. While he is learning life, don't call attention to your angst and to the best of your ability, let him grow without passing on a mantle too heavy and burdensome. So, get ready for when he climbs to the top of the jungle gym in about six months!

Go To Your Room! (And clean it)

Years ago I heard a story about a family that had an exchange student. The host mother told the student to go "pick up her room". Some time later the host mom found the perplexed student standing in the middle of her room wondering how she was going to lift it. Ah, the English slang.

One of the great parent debates I've experienced is that of the clean bedroom. After all, rooms must be neat and tidy, mustn't they? A clean room is next to godliness and learning to take care of our belongings is an essential skill in childhood development. And so as soon as they can scoot across the floor we begin teaching our children how to put the plastic truck back in the toy basket. Pretty soon they are in 2nd grade and part of the evening routine is to clean the room before bed and of course their bed must be made in the morning before school.

Too bad it is not that simple.

We have to factor in temperment and later, activity schedules. I was one of those uber tidy kids who actually liked cleaning and arranging my room. I liked to keep it neat so I don't think I was ever even asked to go clean it because it already was. I was neat to a point that when I got done playing with my Barbies, I would dress them back in the original outfits they came in. (That's for another blog.)

Some of that was still in my system when my first child came along. I would put her books and toys back on the shelf in her room in the same place and run her Legos through the dishwasher. Don't worry, this got old pretty quickly, but when your kids are babies the truth is that it's usually mom who keeps the room clean. And it's fun to tend their stuff when they are so little.

Around the age of four I decided to add bed making to our daughter's list of skills. Of course she couldn't fluff and fold like someone five feet taller, and I had read a great parenting book by Dr. Kevin Leman that warned against correcting efforts so I praised her and left the lumps. I naively thought this was going to be a breeze.

I ended up trying every chart, reward system, tip and punishment to get that girl to clean her room all the way through high school. Everything worked. For while. Then the Technique got ADD.

Technique 1: Personally show your child exsactly what to do and where to look. When you follow up and point out what's still under the bed, you will hear "Uh, I forgot."

Technique 2: Write out the definition of a clean room on a card and laminate it. Instead of hearing yourself repeat all the things included in this task, merely point to the card and walk away. This will work very well until your irritated teen takes the card down and throws it away.

Technique 3: Establish a Take-Away box for anything left around the house after they go to bed. If your kid is like mine you'll need a big box. Place each item - no matter what it is and I mean even snow boots and violins - in the box. They have to buy back each item before they can have it back. If they leave an item in there for a few days, introduce the principle of compound interest. This worked well for years, actually. I ended up getting at least one "free" mocha a week and inspiring a whole group of other parents which made my daughter quite unpopular. If you are really brave you can introduce donations at the end of a month and really push the point and decrease clutter.

Technique 4: For the ultra slob, take everything out of their room except the mattress and 2 changes of clothes. Remove the doors too. Tell them they have to earn back their belongings by showing that they care about each item.

Technique 5: Set a day and time that the room must be cleaned up by. Do not allow your child to go anywhere until this goal is accomplished. We said our girl's room must be cleaned like a model home by noon each Saturday. At ten each Saturday I would leave the house and go to a coffee shop and do some studying, leaving my husband and baby to deal with the whining that accompanied our strict rule. If you are going to do this one, be sure and follow through by not letting your child go anywhere or you have defeated the purpose. And whatever you do, don't nag and don't get drawn into discussion.

We alternated between each of these techniques plus a few others until our girl hit 11th grade. The technique I sighed and finally adopted was called "close the door". All we asked is that there be no food in her room and that she keep the door closed at all times because it was a sight to behold. She was terrific about keeping the door closed (but we did find six former bowls of ice cream with the spoons stuck to the sides when we moved the week after graduation).

You wouldn't believe how many parents were aghast that I would be so slack with the clean room requirement. Boy did I get lectures about my own irresponsibility. If they didn't say it they showed their disapproval by the turn of their eyebrows and went home to nit pick on their kid. The one that was going to keep their room clean at the expense of a relationship of trust.

Well, she went off to college and got a neat-freak roommate who must have suffered dearly. Then she lived with other girls who were also comfortable with scattered pizza boxes and ice cream dishes on the floor. Then she shared a housewith people who ate up her food and broke her things. Then she lived alone and ... kept everything neat and clean, not just her bedroom. Then she got married and not only keeps things clean, is a talented decorator.

Who would have thought that the little girl who slept upside down on her bed and wrote in French with Sharpie all over her bedroom door would grow up to organize her kitchen, garden and have a room even dedicated to her art?

Would I do things any differently, knowing the outcome? Nope. Like I used to say to the parents that were convinced I had dropped the ball, if having a messy room is the worst thing my kid does, I have a great kid and I'll just shut the door.

What is Your Family Code?

When I was in elementary school, my father - a former code breaker during the Korean War - would make up alphabet codes for me to break. He taught me how to recognize letter patterns and to look for the most common vowels and consonants first. Later I discovered Dell Crossword Magazine and was thrilled with a dozen such codes to break in each issue.

As a parent I have crafted emergency evacuation plans in case we had to leave the house - where will we meet? I've had to pack earthquake comfort kits when we lived in California and of course we planned on what to do if we ever got separated in a mall or Disney World.

But what about a family code to alert your child to a potential problem while in public? What about a special code word that only the family knows and is used only when you want to alert them? We have a code word we use when we are out in public and find ourselves in an unsafe area or notice something fishy going on and want to walk faster to get to the car (or to another store, etc.). When I pair this word with the time on an invisible clock, noon being straight ahead and 6 being straight behind us, they know where the concern is, to pick up the pace, hold my hand tighter and not to look around. 

It plays out something like this: We are in a mall and to my right I see a group of high school boys starting to fight. I will say "I am going to [CODE] at 3 o'clock." The kids are on alert and we walk just a bit faster to turn the corner and go inside a store. We wait just a bit before going on our way. One time I stupidly took a short cut from an American Girl venue through an alley to the parking lot. Someone was in the ally and it creeped me out so out came the code.

Fortunately, we have never been victims of anything but harrassment while in public. My tall kids would probably tell me I was a bit over the top, but when the hairs on the back of my neck stand up I need to take protective action. Living in a heavily populated urban city right out of college taught me how to hold my face, clasp my bag, walk like I know what I'm doing (even if I'm lost) and scan the street. Growing up in a friendly city where you walked slow, made eye contact and greeted everyone had to go out the window because I had to protect myself first and be nice second.

Another code situation would be an emergency word that you and the kids know and only use in an emergency. We used the same word, only never had to use it for an emergency thank the Lord. This word would be used if someone unexpected had to go and pick up your child should you be unable to. They would have to use the code in order for your child to go with them. If the code wasn't used, no matter who the person was, your child is instructed to stay put and wait for you. We hear too many stories on the news about children going off with someone they thought was okay only to be kidnapped or worse.

This all gets tricky if a bitter divorce is going on. It isn't up to our children to know custody arrangements and monitor them, but because they love both parents and want to please, they can easily be fooled. I'll write about that separately because it is a growing concern.

In order to keep your kids from panicking, be sure to explain your code in a calm manner. This is just a safety precaution. Act confident. Don't employ it unless you feel you need to. Once you are back in the car or other safer place, commend them for following along in a neutral voice. I am big on praying out loud with kids in simple sentences to model prayer for them, so I would always thank God for helping us walk fast and keeping us safe, amen. Change of subject.

Remember if you are anxious, your kids will pick up on that. I'm encouraging awareness and practicality without specifically calling attention to a situation. Instead of saying "Look over there, those people scare mommy." You just give the code that you saw/sensed something and we're going to pick up the pace without gawking.

Let me know if you have any codes and how they work for you!

Shame on You?

A recent Yahoo article tells us about a Utah mother's supposed ingenious punishment for her 10 year-old's repeated rude comments toward outfits other girls wore at school. Polling her Facebook friends, the mom decided to take the girl to a thrift store and make her wear the clothes she liked the least. She had to wear them to school and to a sports game because the first time it didn't stick. This mother wanted the child to want to apoligize, and thought shaming her daughter by being embarassed herself would do the trick. The girl apparently was finally apologetic to the proper parties and thanked her mother for the punishment.

A freind of mine shared this article with me and asked what I thought about this.

No, no and no way!

Let's take the easy "no" first. By dressing the child in clothing she deemed "ugly" or "embarassing" and sending her off in public is causing another problem. Other people regularly wear things we don't like or wouldn't wear. Some people are perfectly happy with their "look". There is no one socially accepted correct outfit, and by picking things they thought were ridiculous they ran the risk of offending others in the process of trying to teach a lesson.

In my consequence-driven parenting, I tried very hard to never harm others in my child's reality discipline. While other kids could be agreeing with the ugly outfit, others could be off to the side thinking "that's what my mom wears" and be hurt. Once I had to un-ground my daughter and let her go on the ski trip after all because her ski partner would have been punished by being alone that day.

A harder "no" is next. There is a big difference between feeling ashamed and being shamed. Feeling ashamed comes from within and is a response to something that has occured. Being shamed is a message thrust upon us and goes to the very core of a person. That mother not only shamed the girl, she also shamed others when she allowed her to wear clothing they deemed as embarassing. We should feel ashamed for unkind  and unloving things we do and say. We should not feel ashamed for who we are or are trying to be. Shaming someone is cruel and takes them years to reconize and overcome. This does not mean we do not correct our children for what they do.

Still confused about shaming? Here are some examples of damaging comments I have heard parents make directly to their children: "Look at that tummy on you - ha ha!"; "You are such a klutz"; "You just can't be like your sister, can you? She always does it right!"; "Before you were born I used to be happy"; "No wonder that happened, you are just like your awful father!"; "You always do that"; "You never can be grateful, can you?"; "No, that's the wrong way - do it right!", "When are you going to learn?"; "Just look at what you did to my clean floor!" "How would you know? You're just a kid!" "Ha ha you're such a baby for crying about that!!" These are stinging, shameful comments that center around the value of a person. Uttered for a second, they plant themselves deeply within and eat away for much longer than that impatient second it took to spurt out.

The mother had part of it right - she wanted the child to see the err of her ways, own it and sincerely apologize. Polling her friends and coming up with this plan was just the wrong way to go about it, evidenced by the fact that the one time wearing the "ugly" clothes wasn't enough for the little girl to keep her lips zipped. She was a repeat offender.

Now are you asking Well then Mrs. Smartie Pants, how would you have handled this??

Upon receiving the call from the school, we sit down and discuss what happened. We then talk about shame and what that means vs. personal expression and taste. This should take no more than 5 minutes. I would want to find out what she was trying to accomplish by making her remark. Based on her reply, we would talk about a better way to behave that would not harm another person.

I would have a tray of different, unlabled food for her to sample. She tastes the items and gives her opinions. I am sure to include a few that are too tart or hot and some that look awful. (A quick visit to any produce department will provide all you need.) We talk about how different we both are in what we like to eat. Is there one right way to eat? One correct thing we must all eat? Is it okay we like different things? Mocking or condemning others not like us is wrong.

Here comes Jesus: what did He do? How did he treat people? Pick one short parable (in the Gospels) and look at it together. Now we are up to 12 minutes. We've been in discussion and we've illustrated the point that we don't judge others. I would close by asking my child to talk to God out loud with me and ask them what they think they should do next. What would they think the kids at school need to hear from my kid? I'd have my child talk to the teacher and stand in front of the class (or however many overheard the mean comments) and state an apology, ending with the phrase "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"

(In my role as a kids pastor, after ensuring he understood what he had done,  I have actually had a disruptive boy do this to his class and teacher.)

After my child has made the appropriate apology (perhaps it also includes a personal note to the victim), I ask them how they feel about the entire experience. When they make comments about any glimmer of what they have learned, I praise their observations and tell them I know they will respond differently in the future.

Instead of shame, they have learned not to damage another person and what it has meant to be on the nasty end. They have learned why it was wrong. They have learned how to cope. They have learned to think about another person who may be different than they are. They have new awareness and long-reaching skills. And they aren't going to be on the news because I was so clever.

Kids need to learn to: Realize it. Own it. Pray about it. Ask for forgiveness and forget it. God already did.