Fit the Consequence to the Offense

Notice I didn't say "punishment fit the crime"? In parenting, our role is to teach our children to think for themselves, not think for them. We are rarely punishing if we are objective - we are however providing consequences.

A recent media sensation is the 11-year old California girl who was caught twerking at a recent school dance. Her mother was outraged and sought to teach her a lesson. The method? Her punishment was to stand on a busy street corner holding up a large sign stating something like "I disrespected my parents by twerking at the school dance." Her mother was standing nearby as this girl held up her sign for I don't know how long.

In the picture, you see the girl in the shortest of shorts. The mom is in a mid-calf dress off camera.

The girl was standing in revealing apparel at a prominent location as people drove by oggling her. What did this have to do with her behavior at the dance?

How is shaming this girl teaching her anything about behaving appropriately next time? Was the mom just upset about the body gyrations? What about the clothing she provides for her daughter when she isn't at a dance? Clothing that was apparently acceptable for her daughter to wear in public as evidenced by the shorts.

This girl might have disresecpted her parents, but she disrespected herself even more. THAT is what needs to be explored, and mom can start by editing the clothes closet and checking out how consistent she is. This girl got a mixed message, and I doubt she understood why twerking was not appropriate.

The mom should have been teaching her daughter that she has value and promise, and not to waste any part of herself  - including gyrations but even thoughts - on anything that devalues her.

Thank you Miley Cyrus for providing even more opportunities for parents to coach their kids in making chaste choices.

Leaving No Stone Unturned

One of my driving forces is that when something needs to happen, I exhaust the possibilities with research beyond what it would normally take. After all, I have to accomplish this thing. I don't do one thing and wait, I do a number of things and keep going until I unearth the answer or achieve the goal.

Simple Example: when we were moving back to the Minneapolis area a few months ago and looking for a rental home, I did the usual Craigslist and online searches. Then I emailed friends I knew were connected to real estate. I even went on Face Book. Guess what? It was the FB post that landed us our home.

When both my kids were little, I asked them each the following question: You are on an important journey that takes you on a long path through a forrest. As you walk along, suddenly you come upon a HUGE boulder as big as our house! It is blocking the path. What do you do? The answer I prayed not to hear was something like "sit down and wait for help" or "turn around". Thankfully, both of my kids indicated different tactics they would take to get past the boulder and continue on the journey.

Okay you might be saying, that is nice story but what about in real life? Would they still get past that boulder? I am happy to report a resounding yes.

Just the other day my second born had his real life "boulder" experience at school. He was taking his fourth high school lab science class and didn't think he would need it for graduation and wanted to drop it as it was an elective. He went to the counselor who did not know if all of the other three counted as lab science. He went to the current teacher who didn't know, either. He emailed the university he wants to apply to and asked them. Knowing he was not going to get an answer right away, we sought out the teacher of the prior science class in question who told him it indeed counted. There was not another thing he could have done to cover all his bases. After a few days he was able to drop the course - he only had to wait a little while. But he could rest during his waiting knowing that he had done as much as he could to unearth the answer he needed. He was prepared to continue the class if need be, but was thrilled he did not have to.

I didn't know anything about the details until he got home from school that day. All I knew was that he was going to try and drop the class if he had all the necessary credits. He took over and got the answers - he didn't just walk up to one person and stop there. My respect for him has soared!

The other day I got the confirmation that he has that even-keeled determination and critical thinking to handle situations even when the facts say otherwise. He does not need to be told how to think things through by another entity. He will not be blindly lead or swallow everything up front as if it is a truth.

Hallelujah I've got two of these!!!

I've Never Been A Facebook Parent Before

So here I am, this seasoned children and family pastor. The one with all the personal life stories because I've mostly been there, done that. That fierce mama-pastor who has loved on hundreds of families over 14 years in ministry...

But, guess what? I've never been a mom in the FB generation. ACK Lately I hear myself say the things I tell other parents not to say. Even worse, I hear myself asking the dreaded "yes/no" questions!!

Just today I yelped out to our son; "So How come you didn't tell us you were F B O??"

His calm answer,"Because I knew you would do this."

Just this morning I was coaching in a parenting workshop I created. They love it and so do I! Bring it home... In my love and parenting of an incredible son, I find I am stumbling and doing all the dorky off-putting things I tell others not to do.

I did not know that when one posts on FB "in relationship" that it isn't bad if the other person isn't named. Or if they don't post back soon. In our son's case, his FBO gal has a problem with her internet but she is in agreement as of this afternoon while I was napping and he was changing his status. As that fierce mama, I just didn't want my boy's heart out there without some level of reciprocation.

Note to self and other parents: Remember, we cannot control after a certain age... but we sure can guide...