Routines Are Friends

One of my favorite lines in the animated movie Finding Nemo is when Bruce the shark recites the mantra "Fish are friends, not food." I use that voice in my head when referring to routines with our kids. Routines are our friends because they provide the structure and security every child needs, whether they know it or not.

I've met parents so regimented they refuse to adjust a nap or lunch time no matter who is in town. 11:30 is the time, lunch is the agenda, period. They expect everyone else to follow their schedule. I've met parents who packed three backpacks and camped by the sea in Mexico with their toddler for six months. (When they returned, they said they'd never do that again.) I've met parents who go about their own routines and fit the child in - and are surprised to learn their kid is hungry after hours of touring open houses or whatever else was on their adult docket. I've met parents who pack a bag of age-appropriate toddler toys and leave it in the trunk while they visit friends and then follow the kid around the host house telling them "no!" I've been the parent so busy my little one didn't get a nap and experienced consequences of their late afternoon meltdown.

When my girl was 18 months old, we took her on a two-week vacation cross country. She had so many new sights and people to experience, she refused any nap the entire time. On the flight home, she had a super freak melt-down in my arms, wrestling and uncharacteristically pounding against me so hard she knocked my pearl earrings out of my ears. Once home, she solidly collapsed in her crib and slept straight for 24 hours. I learned the hard way that any change in routine impacts our wee ones mightily.

In working with kids and families for several decades, the biggest duh I've learned is that children crave routine. They need to know what comes next. If you are a shoot-from-the-hip carefree person like me, it will take extra work on your part to give your kids the framework they need. But it will be worth your efforts. Most kids want to feel regulated and experience a sense of order. No, they don't want or need a drill sergeant, but they do feel more secure when they can regularly experience routine and just plain know what to expect. My son taught me this as a toddler. He would always ask me what comes next and boom! I figured out that I needed to simmer down and regulate. You bet I did. After all, parenting is not about the parent - it's about giving the kids a secure, safe daily life.

Routines are friends. They may bore you like crazy, but being a parent is about stepping outside yourself and investing in smaller human beings who trust you for no reason at all. I say honor that innocence and provide them the emotional security they not only need, but truly require. That becomes their framework for development.

Breaking this down, it means that kids need a daily schedule. The more you follow the schedule - however loose - the better your kids will function. If you have a special needs child, this is not only important - it is essential. One missed appointment can set a special needs child back multiple steps. If you are making progress, a missed step can force you back to your starting point. No matter what is going on or how you feel, don't skip a routine. I can't tell you how many times I have seen parents regret that as their child continues to float. Keep on keeping on.

Another good thing about routines is that once you have them in place, your home can run itself and you get to just follow along without the pressure of having to come up with something. AND, you can "blame" the routine you have established. Example: "We go to bed at 8:00." "We take baths before bed." "We pack our lunch after dinner." You get the idea. Pouf - no more creation of new talking points. You can mentally rest with a big smile instead, and just love on your kids.

Remain neutral in your speech and go for a simple schedule that gives you a framework for your family to follow. Whatever you do, please do not become a controller. Be an upbeat, calm guider. Controllers drive people away forever. Guiders are there for life.

For instance: Kids will love that Tuesday night is Taco night. They will come to anticipate it and it will comfort them as they move through the turbulence of adolescence and get launched as young adults. Or...What if you establish two days a week as Laundry Day? They will know they get to help fold baskets full or put away stuff. You get the idea. The bigger the family, the more important routines become for obvious reasons.

Routines. The best friend a parent can ever have. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you want your kids in your life as adults.

Mom on Strike

 

I love to tell this true story.

There was a mom of two kids, ten years apart in age. She was also a wife and worked full-time and was taking graduate classes. Her full time job included a lot of  "on call" activities that could not be predicted. In addition to these roles,  she spent a minimum of 3 hours each day driving her kids to and from school in stop and go traffic. We all know that is simply a cue to pull your hair out, especially with the youngest one kicking at the back of the driver's seat and there is nothing you can do about it right then except take a deep breath.

Well this mom was making sure there was food in the refrigerator and on the table, doing the laundry and leading the call to arms regarding basic housekeeping. She was even beginning to experiment with recipes besides casseroles.

Day after day she tried her best to provide her family with clean surroundings, fresh food and guidance while supporting their diverse needs. One day, she had had enough of the lack of help and appreciation from them. She was tired of wiping down the kitchen counter again after someone else when she always left things clean.

"I'm done," she told her family. "I am going on strike. I don't feel that you guys appreciate what I do for you so from now on, I'm not going to do anything. Have at it." At first the eldest and the husband thought she was just on a mini rant and soon she'd be back. She just had to be kidding.

This mom kept her word. She made sure that the youngest was fed and his laundry done, but that was it.  She ate what she wanted, when she wanted and retreated at night to study or watch a decorating show. She was pleasant when she encountered her family members, but she did nothing for them. She didn't do anything against them either. She let go of her mental picture of how tidy things needed to be and even left her own dishes in the sink at times.

The strike lasted 6 months.

That mom was me. After a season, I didn't need to stay on strike. My family had learned what I did for them and I had relaxed from the stress of being my own wife. They learned to appreciate me and I learned I had been doing too much. I did not regret the decisions to start or end the strike. It had been worth it.

Fast forward a dozen years. Everyone pitches in now. Any one of us can flip a load of laundry or put the dishes away. Any one of us can take the full can of trash out without being prompted. And we all say thank you to who ever made dinner or cooked the eggs. And sometimes, just because, we leave the dishes in the sink overnight. Why not? It won't hurt anyone.