Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.

So Don't Take a Shower Then

There's a reason you can't find boy pajamas to buy anymore.

I'm a skill-teaching, non-nagging, responsibility-training mother. Since they could barely move, my objective has been to teach my kids to be in charge of themselves. That includes their thoughts, their bodies, and their stuff. They need to learn personal responsibility in every area of their lives by the time they graduate high school.

In a realistic way, my kids have been taught that those are their shoes, their teeth, their grades and their bodies. Translated, this means that they put on and tie their shoes - not me. They put their shoes where they belong - not me. They brush their teeth and floss - not me. I have my own teeth. They do their homework - not me. I'll certainly help when asked, but if they don't care about their grades I am not gonna do the caring for them. I was already in that grade and don't need to review.

Bet you're thinking "but what if they fail?" Then they fail. Don't stand in their way. They have to want to do well more than you want them to - otherwise they won't know how to manage life later on, they'll just wait for someone out there to step in and guide their elbow. If they don't care, they will experience the natural consequences of poor grades. Reality will teach them about tutors, detention, summer school or even repeating a class. It might not take more than a failed test or it might take a failed class. If you let your child handle their own work and stay out of trying to fix it or babysit, they probably won't be as inclined to fail again. Wouldn't you rather have them fail while they are minors under your influence - safe in a loving home - than in a dorm room or apartment later on? If you believe it takes your constant reminding or presence in order for your child to do their homework or anything else, you are doing them a disservice. Yes, it may get done. But for the wrong reasons.

The same goes with bathing. Talk to any mother of a second grader. She will tell you in exasperation about the dreaded daily arguments it takes to get her kid to bathe. If it's a boy, she will add with her nose pinched how he doesn't care what he wears and wants to sleep in his clothes. When I tell moms of younger kids about how I handled it, some unwisely and innocently prophesize that it won't happen in her house.

For those of you focused so intently on the choice of public attire and necessity for cleaning rituals here's a promise: that same smelly kid who fights you to do the unthinkable and take a shower and might even (gasp) sleep in their clothes will become a teen who spends so much time showering it raises your water bill. If it's a girl, she will try on at least six outfits each morning and throw the rejected ones in her dirty clothes hamper for you to wash. (But you won't because you taught her how to do her own laundry when she was 10). Yep. That same guy who wore his red shorts day and night one summer will become interested in his hair and good-looking shirts. That messy girl will spend extended time styling her hair and putting on makeup. These frustrating days of "are you kidding?" and "I don't want to" will evaporate. I sure hope you don't have to share your bathroom...

When our kids went through their smelly, non-bathing stages we didn't nag and we didn't fret. We would state that it would be good to take a shower. If they protested, we walked away and let them stink. For days. We watched hair get greasy and shrugged at the idea of them enjoying their unkemptness. But we did not repeat ourselves or refer in any way to their obvious need to bathe. We did not argue. Guess what? It didn't take too many instances of stinking up the classroom at school for them to realize the important concept of regular bathing. Today, both of them laugh heartily at their prior stubbornness to do such a basic thing.

Letting them stink did not cause any harm and eliminated another potential nag-topic or battle of wills. So what if they didn't wear pajamas when they slept? Does it really matter or is it your issue? So what if they wear the same thing again? I say save your energy for the really big battles, not these little ones. If you waste your "authority" arguing over a shower you won't have it when you need to address sexual purity or drugs later on. Every time you establish yourself as controlling and intolerant, the chance of your kid being open with you with what they are really thinking shrivels a bit more until it's gone. Would you feel comfortable sharing with someone like that? During your parenting season, you will need to make some tough decisions and your kids will need you to be a role model they can talk to. Please don't jeopardize that by overreacting to things that do not matter in the long run. Think beyond what you want or how you had to do it as a kid.

And that outfit they wore five days in a row? Great idea! I do that now myself. It's very convenient when you don't see the same people every day. Especially if it is one of your favorites.

Are You Fully Present?

In one episode of the classic sitcom I Love Lucy, Ricky was reading the newspaper at the breakfast table mumbling "Yes dear" to each of Lucy's attempts at conversation. This scene has been reenacted in other programs, movies and comic strips - the wife is ignored by her distracted husband. He was not fully present. It is supposed to be funny.

Today anyone can avoid being fully present if they have a smart phone. We can use the time waiting in line to check for email or snoop on Facebook. The 30 minute oil change flies by when we read or watch the news on our phone. While watching a cable movie, we can Google IMDb and solve the mystery of who that one actor in the back is. There are indeed many benefits to the device that fits in the palm of our hand. Did you know there is more technology in an iPhone than in the first craft to land on the moon in 1968?

Maybe we have it too good? As a seasoned family coach, pastor and child advocate I am always observing how families relate to one another in public. It is a switch that knows no "off" setting. Toddlers in grocery carts will stretch their necks to send me a grin and of course I return that blessing. Worried parents will look down and wonder why the smile fest with a stranger.

Most of the time when I see families out in public where they are waiting in line or sitting in the Target cafe eating pizza, the parents are not really there. Oh sure, their bodies are there, but their minds are not. They are either scrolling on their smart phone touch screen or talking to someone on the phone. The kids are left to chew to themselves and look around. Funny, don't the parents realize that their kids hear every word? Just because the conversation isn't directed at them doesn't mean they aren't listening, comprehending or remembering.

The kids are learning what is being unintentionally taught: mom has other things to do, they aren't important enough to focus on, meal time is a function not requiring interaction. You get the idea. Remember, what is projected as normal is what kids think of as normal. Example: I have met adults who never celebrated Valentine's Day growing up so it has no meaning for them. Then they marry someone who has a huge value attached. Feelings are hurt until both come to realize what they had "learned" growing up. I hope all the kids sitting next to a parent so occupied by a smart phone today don't pass this on to their families. We need people to know how to be with one another.

Once I saw a mom eating with her three boys in the Target cafe. She made sure to engage each child in a lively lunchtime conversation. The boys' body language was alert and everyone was making eye contact. No one hung their head out of boredom. You could hear laughter as they enjoyed one another. As they all cleaned up after themselves (thoughtful, too!) I approached the mom. I just had to tell her she had made my day by being so engaged with her sons. She grinned appreciatively, but you could tell this was something she did all the time, not something she did intermittently.

I read a blog recently that asked the question: Are you taking pictures of your kids on Instagram to post in place of actually being with them? Very good thought. We can "post" our way through our days so easily now.

Let's be sure when we are at the park, we are at the park. When we are at the table, we are at the table. Don't let an "important" call or email intrude on your family time. In 20 years, the ones who called/texted/FB'd/emailed/etc will not remember their interruptions, but your kids will remember if you were "there" or not.

Shame on You?

A recent Yahoo article tells us about a Utah mother's supposed ingenious punishment for her 10 year-old's repeated rude comments toward outfits other girls wore at school. Polling her Facebook friends, the mom decided to take the girl to a thrift store and make her wear the clothes she liked the least. She had to wear them to school and to a sports game because the first time it didn't stick. This mother wanted the child to want to apoligize, and thought shaming her daughter by being embarassed herself would do the trick. The girl apparently was finally apologetic to the proper parties and thanked her mother for the punishment.

A freind of mine shared this article with me and asked what I thought about this.

No, no and no way!

Let's take the easy "no" first. By dressing the child in clothing she deemed "ugly" or "embarassing" and sending her off in public is causing another problem. Other people regularly wear things we don't like or wouldn't wear. Some people are perfectly happy with their "look". There is no one socially accepted correct outfit, and by picking things they thought were ridiculous they ran the risk of offending others in the process of trying to teach a lesson.

In my consequence-driven parenting, I tried very hard to never harm others in my child's reality discipline. While other kids could be agreeing with the ugly outfit, others could be off to the side thinking "that's what my mom wears" and be hurt. Once I had to un-ground my daughter and let her go on the ski trip after all because her ski partner would have been punished by being alone that day.

A harder "no" is next. There is a big difference between feeling ashamed and being shamed. Feeling ashamed comes from within and is a response to something that has occured. Being shamed is a message thrust upon us and goes to the very core of a person. That mother not only shamed the girl, she also shamed others when she allowed her to wear clothing they deemed as embarassing. We should feel ashamed for unkind  and unloving things we do and say. We should not feel ashamed for who we are or are trying to be. Shaming someone is cruel and takes them years to reconize and overcome. This does not mean we do not correct our children for what they do.

Still confused about shaming? Here are some examples of damaging comments I have heard parents make directly to their children: "Look at that tummy on you - ha ha!"; "You are such a klutz"; "You just can't be like your sister, can you? She always does it right!"; "Before you were born I used to be happy"; "No wonder that happened, you are just like your awful father!"; "You always do that"; "You never can be grateful, can you?"; "No, that's the wrong way - do it right!", "When are you going to learn?"; "Just look at what you did to my clean floor!" "How would you know? You're just a kid!" "Ha ha you're such a baby for crying about that!!" These are stinging, shameful comments that center around the value of a person. Uttered for a second, they plant themselves deeply within and eat away for much longer than that impatient second it took to spurt out.

The mother had part of it right - she wanted the child to see the err of her ways, own it and sincerely apologize. Polling her friends and coming up with this plan was just the wrong way to go about it, evidenced by the fact that the one time wearing the "ugly" clothes wasn't enough for the little girl to keep her lips zipped. She was a repeat offender.

Now are you asking Well then Mrs. Smartie Pants, how would you have handled this??

Upon receiving the call from the school, we sit down and discuss what happened. We then talk about shame and what that means vs. personal expression and taste. This should take no more than 5 minutes. I would want to find out what she was trying to accomplish by making her remark. Based on her reply, we would talk about a better way to behave that would not harm another person.

I would have a tray of different, unlabled food for her to sample. She tastes the items and gives her opinions. I am sure to include a few that are too tart or hot and some that look awful. (A quick visit to any produce department will provide all you need.) We talk about how different we both are in what we like to eat. Is there one right way to eat? One correct thing we must all eat? Is it okay we like different things? Mocking or condemning others not like us is wrong.

Here comes Jesus: what did He do? How did he treat people? Pick one short parable (in the Gospels) and look at it together. Now we are up to 12 minutes. We've been in discussion and we've illustrated the point that we don't judge others. I would close by asking my child to talk to God out loud with me and ask them what they think they should do next. What would they think the kids at school need to hear from my kid? I'd have my child talk to the teacher and stand in front of the class (or however many overheard the mean comments) and state an apology, ending with the phrase "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"

(In my role as a kids pastor, after ensuring he understood what he had done,  I have actually had a disruptive boy do this to his class and teacher.)

After my child has made the appropriate apology (perhaps it also includes a personal note to the victim), I ask them how they feel about the entire experience. When they make comments about any glimmer of what they have learned, I praise their observations and tell them I know they will respond differently in the future.

Instead of shame, they have learned not to damage another person and what it has meant to be on the nasty end. They have learned why it was wrong. They have learned how to cope. They have learned to think about another person who may be different than they are. They have new awareness and long-reaching skills. And they aren't going to be on the news because I was so clever.

Kids need to learn to: Realize it. Own it. Pray about it. Ask for forgiveness and forget it. God already did.

The Morning After They Turn 15

Remember when it was exciting to turn 15 because in most states you can get a driver's permit? Some states even hire you for part-time jobs. Perhaps your parents relaxed some rules or gave you special privileges. It was the beginning of the outward recognition on the exciting road to adulthood.

Hello America 2013. Now your newly minted 15-year-old can legally obtain the "morning after pill" at the local drug store. No prescriptions required. No more hiding them behind the pharmacist's counter. They can now be on display and all a kid has to do is produce an I.D. Since many 15-er's don't drive, guess a school I.D. will do. No parental consent required.

The rights of parents to raise and guide their children continue to be attacked in this country. Imagine what will happen if some child thinks she is pregnant and takes the pill - all without her parents being aware? What are the side effects if there is no pregnancy and the kid is just over-reacting? What are the physical side effects if there is a pregnancy? Does a 15 year-old possess the thought processes necessary to follow the instructions and cautions, much less and read the fine print? What about the long-reaching emotional side effects?

Not only are our children encouraged to explore all sexual body functions at earlier and earlier ages, the media tells them it's all okay, no big deal and that everything can be "taken care of". Isn't that the child-like thinking we parents work years to coach our kids to overcome? We can't really always get our way. Our way may not even be close to "right". And everything isn't always "all better". This is called reality. Why is our culture working so hard against this?

So now conscientious parents face near legal action if they get in the way of the "rights" some entity out there has deemed the path of least resistance for American children. I mean, saying and enforcing a "no" takes far more energy than saying "yes" and looking the other way, doesn't it? Who was sitting around the decision-making table when it was determined that an entire new generation should be able to pop into Target and get these pills? Does that sound like the thinking anyone who cared about the psychological development of a kid would suggest? Or...is it someone who stands to gain financially?

America was founded on values and principles that people risked their lives for. Now we are a beacon of hand-outs and continually lowered standards so that no one is offended. In the process, our historical foundation is not only offended, it is destroyed. When you stand for nothing, you are nothing. What future is that for this country when our kids are so deceived and devalued?

I want parents to have the freedom and courage to train their kids to stand for truth and to value life at any cost. Yes, at any cost. Would you rather keep a job that corrupts your soul just for the money? Sadly - no alarmingly - that is what our country has become...chasers of things and excuses and escapes.

Don't you want to be a fly on the wall watching a pharmacist sell these pills to a kid the age of their own and see if they swallow hard?

P.S. I Told You So

There is nothing that can get the fur on the back of my neck to rise like hearing a parent, teacher or anyone in charge of a child tell them "I told you that would happen if you did that. Now look, you'll_________ (fill in the blank)." Way to destroy a relationship and teach a child to need your input on every life decision. Not a way to teach responsibility or confidence.

One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is based upon the reality discipline principles of Dr. Kevin Leman. I have read and used his materials for over twenty years and I can attest to the fact that his stuff really works..that is, if you follow it. It's as easy as zipping lips. If you are like me, that will be hard at first but well worth your effort.

Reality discipline lets the real world do the teaching and the childen experience the natural consequences. If things go well, they have another notch in their belt of self development. If they don't listen and mess up, wonderful! If you handle the mess-up well, they will learn even more.

A simple example for younger kids: It's cold outside and you are getting ready to go. You calmly tell Tommy that it's cold and he should grab his jacket. (Neutral, non-lecturing tone) You are certain he hears you, but he does not comply. He thinks it is just fine out. Rather than cajole him, simply say it's cold and lead the way out to the car. Go where you were going. If Tommy complains that he is cold, shrug and say "yeah, I'd be cold too without my jacket". Keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Do not engage in discussion, reminding, or dialog. If he brings it up again, say "Bummer!" You stay neutral and pleasant. Resist the urge when you arrive home to bring up the jacket or tell him he should have listened to you because he got cold. Drop it. Next time you gently suggest a jacket, bet he'll get it if indeed he was cold.

Teenage example: Daughter Sally is going on a youth retreat and you have already taught her how to pack. Youth leaders provide a packing list for the kids, so this is between the two of them. All I would say is "Sally, the retreat is coming up in a couple of days, did you get the packing list?" If she says yes, I would be sure she knew where to find things that might be stored away like sleeping bags and duffle bags, otherwise that would be the end of it. About an hour before we leave to meet the group I would ask her if she packed what she needed from the list. If she says yes, I would smile and say we'll be leaving at 4:00. End of story.

If she comes home and said she forgot her shorts or another pair of shoes or whatever, I would agree with her that it was a bummer and ask what she did with those wet shoes. That's it. No lecture. No saying "Bet you wish you would have double checked." Just join her in her moment. Next time, she will double check more completely. If you communicate her "failure" you have not only taught her that she needs you more than she really does, you have alienated a part of her. The part that you will wonder about in ten years when she doesn't like to come over and hang out as much as she does as her in-laws.

I could go on and on with reality examples because I've experienced them personally as well as alongside many other families in my years coaching parents. What's the verse that tells us to watch out for our tongues?

Zip it. We can't take back the words, the tone or the meaning.

Neutral tones like Switzerland keeps the communication open...

Overheard at Target

In Target, my favorite endcap display is the one that says “As Seen on TV” and has all the gagets and gizmos offered for sale on TV if you just call an 800 number. Yet here they are and I didn’t have to make a call!

Well, here are some actual comments I’ve heard from parents directed at their kids:

“You just can’t be good, can you?!!”

“Stop it, I mean it, stop it. That’s the 10th time I’ve said this so STOP IT!!!”

“Now you can’t have your birthday party!!”

“How many times do I have to tell you this!!!”

“You just don’t want to listen, do you???”

“Your father should not have let you do that, he’s wrong.”

“You are a bad girl/boy!!!”

“Kid for sale!”

“You two are such brats, shut up!!!”

“I can’t WAIT til you go back to school!!”

“She’s a terror.”

“I will take away your Christmas presents.”

“You can’t ever have ice cream again.”

“How many times have I told you to leave your boots by the door???!”

Most of these comments were made under duress. Many of them were made in public as a frazzled parent was pushing a grocery cart with several kids in tow. I have noticed that the children do not react to these comments, which tells me they are not new. And of course there will still be Christmas presents.

Empty threats. We might as well just recite the Periodic Table, that doesn’t make sense to little kids, either.

Here’s a way to de-personalize teaching opportunities – omit the personal pronouns. Instead of “You go put your boots away!” calmly state: “The boots belong by the door.” Carry this further: “Feet go on the floor” (resist following that by “not on the furniture”), “Dirty dishes go in the sink”, “China is not touched”, “Inside voices inside the store”, “The water bucket stays outside”. Short, simple and instructional. Say it in a non-negotiable, calm voice as if the entire solar system follows this procedure. Expect the kids to follow through.

If you are teaching public behavior in the store, then I would add a “we”. “We stay by the cart (or in the cart) in the store. We listen to mom.” (Then if they don’t, do the thing I mentioned in an earlier blog and promptly leave the store. Do not check out or finish shopping.) I used to let my kids pick out a couple of food items during a grocery store trip. They could not exceed our limit, and learned to self-edit or replace items if they wanted something different from another aisle. “Can I just have this?” “Sure, just put something else back.” The thinking and selection was up to them, not for me to narrate.

Every once in awhile I hear a parent encouraging their kids in public. Here is where I would use the personal pronouns big time to affirm positive behaviors or decisions. “You are doing a great job of standing in the hotdog line.” “That was so thoughtful the way you held your sister’s hand.” “Thanks for staying so close to me while we walk through the parking lot.” “You listened so well, way to go!!” “Wow, thanks for holding the door for us” “You were so polite, awesome job buddy!”

The point is to affirm the act, not the person. If we tell our kids “Mommy loves you because you stood in line so well,” that places the condition of love on their appropriate response and they might not always respond correctly. Better to say “Mommy loves you all the time”, period and save the affirmation of the act for a separate sentence. Little kids are very literal. When we were moving and told our six year old son we would be taking his room, he wondered how the room would fit on the truck and attach itself to the new house. Simple, short sentences work best. “Every THING inside your room will come to the new house.”

If you have ever been that empty-threat parent described above, it is never too late to sit with your kids and apologize for the words you have used and ask for their forgiveness. Then ask God to do some erasing of those memories and move on.

Extreme Kid Pampering

One day when I turned on the TV for whatever reason it was set to the “Tyra Banks Show.” Don’t know how or why but before I could click over to an “Everybody Loves Ray” rerun, I learned that her topic was Americans pampering their pre-teens to the tune of 20 million a year!

We’re talking facials, massages, pedi’s and mani’s. There are even chains of stores now marketing to parents who want “the best” for their children! Transfixed, I watched in dismay as Tyra Banks interviewed half a dozen proud parents for this episode. Some actually spent over $80K/year on pampering in order to keep their kids “happy”! The pampering began as early as age 2 and these groomed kids used their limited vocabularies to state how much they liked going to the kid spa because it was “fun” and “nice”.

ACK!

Producing a happy child was the goal for each parent. A delighted and well-manicured child sat next to the bragging parent bobbing their head in agreement that they wanted to look good. No child was over the age of 11. All were glad to be on TV.

Did I mention how many middle class annual incomes these well to do families wasted in the interest of giving their children the “physical advantage” of appearance?? One mother bragged that she would not let her 6 year old out of the house with chipped nail polish b/c it would reflect her poor parenting. She even taught her 9 year old son to deserve massages and opened her own kiddie spa because she saw the need.

ACK AGAIN!

What has happened to instilling value in what our children contribute to society? And in these economic times, to see so many adults cavalierly spending more that our family earns just so the kids look and feel good is beyond me.

When these pampered kids reach adult land, will they ever own their own behaviors? Will they ever care about the needs of others beyond self?

This is a perfect example of the immense responsibility a parent has to lay a foundation that will impact multitudes of generations.

Please don’t focus on the fleeting externals…

My Goal is NOT to Have Happy Kids

What??!

Seriously, I really don't care if my kids are "happy". In fact there is not one thing I have done with the intention to "make them happy."

Camps, sports, movies, concerts, gifts, trips, haircuts, laundry... none of this has ever been done to make my children happy. Everything I have done and continue to do has been to create experiences or provide care so that they can continue to develop their own personalities. When boundaries have been necessary to implement (aka consequences), their "happiness" was not an issue. The issue was to provide guidelines so that our kids would bump their noses into things and learn from experience.

If I lived to make my kids happy, I would be chasing my tail and attempting to please them. Even ask their permission! I have personal experience with parents asking their children if they really wanted to go to their grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. Or, how about this one: bailing their kid out of jail for drunken driving and not being disappointed! (More on this in a dedicated blog later.)

Do we really need to see a smile every second of every day? Does a smile signify happiness, anyway? Wouldn't it be more significant to provide loving guidance and patiently delivered consequences as our kids grow? And... shouldn't our kids learn how true "happiness" is an internal choice after all? And... for sure that their moods do not control the family vibe?

Today in the church toddler room, a sweetheart was sobbing for her parents. She was just 23 months old. We let kids cry for 10 minutes before getting a parent, and she was on minute 7. It was time to read the story to the class and she was still crying. I said "Honey, we are going to listen to the story right now, so we need you to stop crying. When the story is over, you can go back to crying if you like, but right now it is story time." She paused, walked over and listened to the story and never did resume her crying.

Did I care that she was happy? No. Did I care that she could comfort herself? Yes. I am so glad we did not reach the 10 minute rule because she was not "happy" based on our responses. She began to learn that her mood was managed from within, while being kept safe by encouraging adults.

"You Need to Clean Your Room"

If you are like me, when your baby is born you color-coordinate, style and arrange every detail in their room. You spend hours evaluating the shade of a possible color purchase and make sure that everything is model-home appealing. Right down to placing great-aunt so & so's tea cups on a shelf. Toys are not set on shelves, they are displayed as if ready to be photographed. Everything looks wonderful!

Yep, that works for a few years...

Until you listen to your kids' ideas and they begin to express themselves, not merely echo your direction.

I'm glad the room in this picture was not a permanent fixture in our home until our girl was in 10th grade. Before that, she had maintained our standards of cleanliness with much angst on all our parts. I had read parenting books, listened to talk radio gurus and friends. All had their opinion regarding how a child's room should be kept.

There was the "you do not go anywhere until your room is cleaned up by noon on Saturday" philosophy. That's when I used to wake up early and leave the house - and my husband - to monitor her cleaning process. It was agony before, during and after and we got a clean room for the afternoon.

There was the "you don't get a door on your room because it is such a slop pile" philosophy. We removed the door to her room and thought that would do it. After all, she had a toddler brother who would now have access to her treasures, including her beloved American Girl dolls. This did not do it, either.

There were many more attempts at "encouraging" room maintenance well before 10th grade. Her allowance was even tied into room condition, but that's another topic. We did sticker charts, laminated signs and white glove inspections to no avail.

So... when I took this picture, I was smiling. Clean clothes were blended with dirty ones strewn all over the floor. Dresser drawers and closet doors were ajar. Clutter and water bottles (not shown) were everywhere. And why make the bed? It certainly was not a room I could find solitude in, much less fall asleep. But guess who comfortably plopped on her messy bed, kicked off a towel or other item and snuggled up to do her homework?

Why could I smile? I had finally stopped listening to other people's "should list" and relaxed my colon. So what if my girl kept her room so messy? That was our only issue with her. If a crappy room was the worst thing she did, so be it. I decided to save my nagging breath in spite of frowns from friends, some of whom did not even have children. We discovered this new magical rule called "keep your door shut". It worked perfectly! We didn't see it and the rest of the house was "Zen". A small price to pay for a kid who grew up to be a great woman who manages her own life, huh?

The Take-Away Box

This was my genius when my girl was in her elementary grades.

The idea was born after years of seeing her leave personal things out, night after night. Things like shoes, craft items, coats... I got so tired of hearing my own voice almost nagging, I invented The Take-AWAY Box. If we found one of her belongings laying around once she went to bed, it went into TTAB. Bye-bye!

In order to use the item ever again, she had to purchase the rights back from us. Examples: a pair of shoes not put away? Into the box. Raincoat not hung up? Into the box. Markers not put away? Into the box.

So... how much did we charge? Just 25 cents per item. Bummer for you if we found 12 markers laying on the table.

I clearly remember our girl having to "buy back" her raincoat one day, and that other time when she needed to get back her violin.

It took awhile to get our point across, and I used to rub my hands together and say "Mama needs a mocha!!"

This whole idea only worked when we were faithful in regularly distributing her allowance. At one point, all of it came back to us in the form of a mocha for me (decaf of course).

When she was in middle school, she was perturbed that I had shared this idea with her friend's parents. By then I had taught her about compound interest and the 25 cent ding multiplied big time. The stuff in the box had to be retrieved. If she thought she could just abandon her stuff to the box, well... we had an "app for that" too. It was called donation to Goodwill.

"Mom!! Quit sharing your parenting ideas with my friends' parents!" That was one of my favorite unrequested feedback comments from a girl who is now an awesome adult who manages her life very well.

I fondly look back on that training period and all of those free mochas... and yes, we did this cheerfully and calmly. After all, I got at least one mocha per week...

Gap Parenting 101

“Mom!! He spit his toothpaste on my curling iron!!!” Screamed my 14-year old daughter from the kids’ Loo.

“Well Honey,” I calmly called back from the kitchen, “If you didn’t leave it in the sink your brother probably wouldn’t do that.”

Parenting a literal four-year-old who sees a sink as a sink regardless of what’s in it along with a scattered teenage daughter with her hormones emerging is a joy to look back on. That’s because the scenarios like the one described occurred regularly. I worked hard to hold a “valium face” so the kids wouldn’t know they got to me. (Truth be told, I felt badgered and outnumbered unless my husband was home.)

I’m sure my daughter would tell you she knew they got to me even then, but her brother now 16 reminisced about when his sister was his current age. She would “wool him up” to the point where they were pouncing, smacking, and screeching at stroke-inducing decibels. Their “20 minutes of fun” equated to an hour and a half of cool-down time before the house returned to Zen. I used to try and interrupt this daily exhibit, and all it did was get me further up the stammering and shaking barometer.

How could they both act like 3 year olds? How should I respond?

Finally one day it hit me. My daughter had Red Cross training. Even though it looked like it, she truly wouldn’t kill her brother. Let her experience the consequences of wooling up an ADHD kid and just leave.

So, once their gig started I would take my purse and head for the coffee shop. I drove off to get my decaf mocha and let them work it all out.

Net result: Mommie wasn’t rattled anymore cuz she didn’t have to watch or participate in the scene. Bonus: Mommie got her mocha!

The kids lost their audience.

Wonder of all, the house was quiet when Mommie got home within the hour. They wooled each other up a lot less once I started going out for so much coffee. Pretty soon, I didn’t even have to go for a mocha as an escape and could even take my tigers along...

"You Can Do Anything"

After being raised by a loving mommie and becoming one myself, repeating her mantra... that myth got busted a few days ago.

We really can't do everything!

OK, I admit that my mom's positive support enabled me to get through some difficult school years and although internally I knew I would never be an astronaut or learn to cartwheel, truly appreciated her words. This blessed me and I continued this mantra with my own diff-gen babies. Isn't it wonderful to have a parent think you are so special???

Come to find out during a staff exercise the other day... this message really isn't accurate.

Oooopsie!

We were all going through our Strength Finders 2.0 scores. Everyone has 5 top strengths (out of 34). As we reviewed our strengths, different quotes were shared. This is the one that busted my mom's myth-speak:

"You can be any thing...NO! But we can be more of who we already are..." per Carl Liesveld. (My summary)

I've learned we all have strengths (and duh, weaknesses). Rather than tell kids they can do ANYTHING, what if we tell them they can do anything in their area of giftedness? And help them define what that area is?

Then we won't have any pathetic try-outs on American Idol, but we will have a whole bunch of kids affirmed, supported and confident!

Thank you Mommie, for what you said and when you said it...