Ready For The Next Stage?

Social media has been on fire the last couple of weeks with parent postings about the next stage their kids are entering. First day of Kindergarten, Middle School, High School and College. Milestones all. And not just for the kids. It is also the first for the parents. Even if they have older children who have already done this, it is a first for each child and thus a first for the parent of a child in that stage.

By far, the postings with the most emotion are from the parents sending their kids off to college. They can't believe 18 years have come and gone so quickly and share the pictures showing a baby morph into a young man or woman about to embark on their biggest adventure. They don't know how they are going to handle walking past their empty bedrooms and see them only on holidays when just a few weeks ago they were handing out chores and curfews. They are proud of the young adults their babies have become while at the same time aching that this time has come already.

The first-time college parents now have much in common with first-time newborn parents: both are traveling completely new territory and don't have the script down yet. Everything is new and roles are being defined.

This blog entry is for those of you who wonder how you can let go of your baby. Whether your first, last or only. How can you navigate these uncharted waters with this particular child?

First of all, forget the microwave. Use it only to make popcorn or steam green beans. It isn't meant for you to instantly grasp your morphing role or the realization that you will not be seeing your child on a daily basis. Recognize that this will take time for you to adapt to this changing relationship and that it is okay. Bye-bye unrealistic expectations. Dittoes for your new Freshman.

Second, you have been working toward this time ever since their very first birthday. You've walked them through each developmental step, you've provided opportunities for them to discover their passions, you've guided them in their thinking. They are ready. So are you, perhaps you just forgot that part of your job description in all the fanfare of each of their accomplishments. Deep breath. Big smile. They are so eager to test their wings right now it hasn't hit them yet like it has you.

Third, accept the fact that as "legal adults" you can no longer control, you can only guide and influence. And that is only if they want to hear your thoughts. Legally, they don't have to. And the school isn't going to send you their grades because it isn't your business now. If you are financially providing for their education, you have some clout there. If you aren't, then accept the fact that all you have is the relationship you built over the past 18 years.

That's the kind of relationship we had with our firstborn when she went off to college - relationship, period. We were not able to contribute financially so we didn't have the power to threaten financially. But she did listen to us - after awhile. We had to learn to listen to her and not share our opinions.
We did a lot of waiting and praying because we wanted her to arrive at the safest conclusion on her own.

Example:
Her: "Mom!! Guess what??? I am driving to Florida over Spring Break!!"
      My Thoughts: Oh no!! 4 innocent girls in a crappy car with thousands of drunk kids??NO!! NO!!!!!
My Words: "Wow! When are you leaving?"
Her: "Sunday."
My Words: "Where will you be staying?"
Her: "Tina's older sister's friend's aunt. She's like 26 and really cool."
     My Thoughts: NOOOOOOO!!!!
My Words: "Then you'll split gas and oil, sounds pretty inexpensive."

Following this "listening", I began fiercely praying for her wisdom and safety. A few days later, I got a call that she wasn't going to go after all, because she only had $100. "Good thinking, honey." That's all I said. I hung up and with a trembling heart of gratitude, thanked God.

This brings us to my fourth point: resist the urge to lecture, inform, remind or retort. Have your tongue cut out if you need to. Time to bring your A Game in reflective listening. The calmer you are when your new college student tests the "sharing waters" with you, the more you will hear and the more you can potentially influence. Practice neutral replies. Practice sounding calm. You can have your complete reaction after you hang up the phone. Our early adult kids need to arrive at healthy conclusions on their own. If you tell them what to do, they will either ignore you and do it anyway - or worse yet - remain a dependent child without the ability to handle situations on their own and look for the "someone else" to show them what to do.

Fifth: Resist the temptation to fret or hover. It won't do anyone any good and will only serve to give you anxiety or sound like a micro-manager and drive your kid away. I know some parents who did such a "good job" hovering over their son in high school and had their hand in how he even arranged items on his dresser, when he went off to college he didn't even call home for three weeks. The mom worried that he was "spending all his money on pizza and not eating right" and just couldn't understand why he wouldn't return their calls - "they were such a close family". Another family called their student so often it was as if they were in the dorm room right along with her. Letting them breathe is good for everyone.

Sixth: Establish reasonable expectations for communication and conduct. It is definately okay to expect your "house rules" to be respected when they come home. By the same token, Complete the ITP, review. Take client to library to practice socialization. Continue to follow up with Fish chart and behaviors toward mother. Follow up with mother's consistency and possibly add new House Rules. your instinct to want in on every detail will allow your relationship to move into the next stage. This stage will take as long as it takes  child to become a fully autonomous adult living and providing for themselves. It has only just started.

The early post-high school stage is probably the hardest because it is the first time many parents no longer see their child on a daily basis. It can be a rude awakening. Regardless if they stay at home or go away, our influence must diminish in order for all of us to deal with growing up in a healthy way.

What if you are having a hard time accepting this next stage? Seek out friends who have already navigated this well and connect with them. Start a new hobby or take a class - you're not done yet! Rearrange your house. Change up your routines. Stay away from negative thinking and negative people. Volunteer with kids younger than yours and share your expertise. Mentor a new mom. Think outside the box you know so well. Remember, this is your next stage, too.

Finally, deepen your trust in God. Experience an in-depth Bible study that increases your knowledge of God's desire for relationship. If you don't know where to look, usually large non-denominational churches in each community offer men, women or couples Bible studies. Even some smaller churches offer studies and you do not have to attend the church in order to participate. There are also several international Bible studies for men and women that are excellent at providing a foundation. Google Community Bible Study or Bible Study Fellowship and find a local church hosting these studies. (CBS now even offers home study.)

Above all else, pray. The more you pray for your child in specific ways, the closer you will feel to him and the more peace you will feel from God. Remember, God loves your child so much more than you ever could fathom! Rest in that peace and enjoy this next stage.

More is on the way! :)

I Didn't Know It Would Be The Last Time

A collection of thoughts from a mother in the throes of realizing that when her youngest goes to boot camp before his senior year in high school, a whole new phase has already begun. 17 years went by far too fast.

My Son, I didn't know it would be the last time that:

-  We'd go to Starbucks and review homework while homeschooling (and you'd be more interested in the light shorting out than a history lesson)

-  You'd beg me for a second ride on the toy airplane ride mounted outside Wal Mart that wiggles for 3 minutes when you put two quarters in the slot

-  The lobster tank in the grocery meat department would fascinate you (and I'd have to pry you away)

-  You would call me Mommie

-  You slipped your hand in mine as we walked through a parking lot

-  Getting tucked in was part of your night time routine

-  You climbed on my lap and held on to the bend of my elbow for comfort

-  We bartered about the number of  items you could pick out while grocery shopping with me

-  You would play with your Legos and Bionicles

-  We couldn't leave Target without a visit to the Toy Department

- You would would be mesmerized by an outdoor fountain and stomp around through the spray

- I had to make you take a shower

- I would find a bouncy ball, small car and a rock in your pants pocket

- You would ask for yet another stretchy rubbery animal

- You would find my stapler and pound away on Post-It notes until it jammed or ran out

- You would have to sit in the back seat

- I would walk you through the parking lot and tell you to watch for cars

- You would be eager to take something apart (#gasgrill)

- Climbing a tree was your day's mission

- We had a thoughtful discussion about what you would bring for Show & Tell (I loved that you told a joke one time in first grade - "Mom, it's show and tell!!")

- The Scooby Do pillow would be on your bed

- You would ask if someone could "come over and play"


As you are learning this summer - it's the small things that make precious memories from home. These are some of the moments etched on my heart. I am so excited for what comes next and all the "firsts" just waiting for you. And for me. You've had about 100 in the past 7 weeks, and I love that the first time you got comedian Steven Wright's humor was in 7th grade!

Letting Go

Our seventeen-year-old son left for Boot Camp last week . He'll be gone 9 weeks. Until recently, the longest this mushy mama had gone without seeing him was 10 days. That mission trip had sure seemed long at the time.

They didn't have him pack much - he's been outfitted from head to toe there - and we don't yet have a complete address to snail mail him. He texted they had landed safely, and we had a short phone call on the night they were locking up the cell phones. You could hear the hum of other guys on their calls home in the background.

Who sends their kid somewhere unknown with no stuff? When we sent his big sister to college, we knew where it was and she packed the entire car full of her stuff. Even though we probably didn't see her for 9 weeks, we could have. And we kept in touch by cell phone.  We knew what her dorm looked like, how the campus laid out and where the dining hall was. I knew every stitch of her clothing and what classes she would be taking and when. I even met her roommate.

We don't know anything about where our son has gone except what we can imagine. Having never been on an Army base, my only two frame of references are Gomer Pyle and M*A*S*H, 
neither of which are probably accurate.

I don't know what he will wear, or when, or why. I don't know when he will eat or sleep or what any facility looks like. I don't know his schedule. I don't know what will be taught to him. I don't know what he sees out the window every day or how many guys sleep in the same room. I don't even know what they call the room he sleeps in, barracks? I don't know how much free time he'll get, if any. I don't know how many people live and work at the base or how secure it is. I don't even know when we will hear from him next.

Yep. I don't know noth'n and we signed the papers to let him go.

When we first sent our daughter to college, I thought I was letting go. Nevermind that her dorm was only 45 minutes away and that we could talk any time we wanted to. We didn't talk that much and she came home just a couple of times, but for all intents and purposes, she was there. This was just my practice at letting go. By the time she left the time zone for a metropolis after college, I had been prepared for the big let go and no longer knew every detail about her life or decor. I just knew her.

This time, I get to practice on our youngest years earlier than anticipated in a much harsher manner. The Army has him. My prayers are less guided because I don't know what is going on, but I can pray for endurance and saftey. And as a mushy mama, I pray his drill sargent isn't a meanie.

People who learn about his summer all say the same thing: "He will come back a man." Well, I thought he was quite the man to even desire to enlist so I can't imagine the man we will be picking up in 8 weeks.

This time, letting go is more like having the rope cut for me. It wasn't my choice in timing, and I'm not protesting or clinging. I understand that this is the next step for him. I think he is learning about letting go this summer, too.

I couldn't be prouder.

Baby "Thrash-Herself-to-Sleep"

When I became a mother for the first time, I was a young woman in awe. In awe of the life I had carried, birthed and would now parent. I marveled at her innocent round cheeks and button nose, and her tiny fingers and toes. Everything about her enthralled me. Every material thing we had acquired to support her new life delighted me. Each onesie was carefully washed and sorted. Her every outfit was thought out with care. I remember feeling so special to be able to have this precious baby in my life, and learning what it meant to share life with her was a treasure of discoveries.

While pregnant, I had refinished a rocking chair and repainted in a glossy white. It was topped with a soft colored pillow set to protect my back and seat where I would no doubt spend countless hours rocking my little lamb to sleep with the gentle night light glowing behind our special chair in her sweet nursery.

Imagine my surprise when it didn’t turn out like that at all! This little lamb had her own idea about what it meant to fall asleep as early as two weeks of age. It didn’t include me. Following the evening bath, feeding, diapers and pajamas, I would wrap her in a receiving blanket, put on soft music and gather her in my arms. My idea was to rock her slowly to sleep and then tip-toe to the crib. Her idea was to go to sleep on her own by wiggling and thrashing about for several minutes before entering baby dreamland. She didn’t want my arms anywhere near her. In fact, she didn’t want me anywhere near her.

It took a few weeks to believe that what I was experiencing was truly what she wanted. It was amazing to see how fast she would put herself to sleep in this fashion. I was left to step backwards out of her room, staring unblinking at that new life in the crib who didn’t agree with my romantic plan for nite-nite time.

Aren't we all guilty of something like this when it comes to what we think it should be or what we want it to be with our children? We have our own mental picture whether it’s based on our own history, baggage – or imagination – and when it doesn't work, we stutter and wonder what to do next. Do we force things to fit our idea? Do we flow? Aren’t we the parents?

We are the parents, but I think we can learn to listen and notice who our children are and what their “style” is. Go with what you learn from them about who they are and what they need individually. One child may need more assurance, another might need more direction. One may be sensitive, one may be wild. No one parenting recipe could possibly cover multiple “styles”.

Even though my baby and I weren't doing bedtime the way I had dreamed about, I knew she knew I loved her as I left her to thrash away. I just had to learn to show my love in an understanding way that honored her needs. This was okay.

It takes some work and prayer, but I believe we can give each of our children the parental love they need in the way they need it. Would you buy an artist skis? Unless they are a skiing artist, you probably wouldn't. Would you expect abstract thinking from a kindergartner? Is it okay if your teenager doesn't want their driver’s license at the same time all their friends do? What if your kid doesn't want to play a sport? We need to learn what excites our kids and where their strengths lie. Find out their dreams and concerns and tailor-make your relationship to suit their personality and goals. And above all, help them to feel secure and loved in their own skin because of exactly who they are.

A really good book that helps parents and grandparents understand different love languages is The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary D. Chapman.