Why Same Page Parenting Is So Important

If you've been reading my blog at all, you have heard me touch on the importance of parents being on the same page. Because of my continued experience with families struggling to parent their kiddos, it's time for me to bring this topic up once again.

It will not do your kid any good if parents can't or won't agree on their approach. Your kid needs one approach, not two or more. Not only do you both need to be on the same page, you need to remain consistent. It won't do to say "yes" to staying up one time and "no" another. Their minds are still developing and they need to count on you to give them the framework to feel secure. It won't do to allow candy "just this one time" when you don't want them to have it ever. They are counting on you to define their security and they need you to keep it stable for them.

If you are not in agreement about something with the other parent, have that conversation out of earshot or eyesight of your kids. In front of your kids, you are one united unit. If they come up to you and ask if they can do something, be aware they might have already asked the other parent and gotten a "no", so ask them if they asked before you reply. I can't tell you how many times my hubby came in the room, saw a kid doing something and asked me why I had let them. Each time, they had already asked him first. After much practice, I became adept at asking "what did Dad say??" and seeing a frustrated kid slink away. Still tempted to argue in front of the kids so you can be right about something? Congratulations. You will teach your kid to disrespect the other parent and that disrespect can blossom into some pretty ugly stuff the older they get. Including disrespect of another gender or even authority.

Still not convinced both parents need to be a united front? Maybe you are divorced and don't see the need? Wrong. If you are sharing custody this is certainly tough, but it's doable for the sake of the kid. Let me repeat. For. The. Sake. Of. Your. Kid. Not your ego or anger toward the ex. For. Your. Kid. I hope and pray you want a healthy, functioning adult kid one day more than you hate the ex. For their good, you both need to unify and present a solid front on the major things like driving, curfew, grades. Pick the big ones only - leave the socks, candy and menus up to each "home". Remember to think about what it would be like for you to move back and forth every other week. (Wait, maybe they should stay in the house and the parents should move back and forth?) If you have a boy, there is a huge likelihood he will be bigger than either one of you while he still lives at home. If you have not insisted on respecting parents while he is still short, good luck when he can deck you flat and outweighs you. Fathers should reinforce respect of mothers when their sons mouth off or diss her by standing firm about "his woman" being treated right. Alpha male time, dads! Moms should do the same for fathers.

Be willing to listen to the other parent's ideas. If their reasoning is only because that's the way their parents did something but you have research to show otherwise, listen up and let go. It's not about being right. It's about the good of your kid. Attend parenting workshops to get you started or read some good parenting books (Dr. Kevin Leman is an awesome author of many) and blogs.

In my years of working with families, it is usually the father's lack of interest or busyness that gets the parents off of the same page. Some times fathers assign things like talking about sexuality to mom as "women's work". Some times fathers won't pick up the book that mom has put right in front of them. Some fathers dismiss the mom's ideas as silly and insist on barking orders instead. Or, they hover and call and text multiple times a day to know every single action going on. My own father communicated only through my mother, the mouthpiece. He elected himself as royalty.  There is no excuse for a father not to participate in parenting his kids. Not one. Not even being too busy with work. None of these examples are worth following. Think carefully here. If pride is keeping one of you from putting in the effort (or fear, anxiety, your own bad childhood) it's time for therapy. You are modeling an unhealthy adult life to your kids. It's not what you say that teaches them. It's what you do. Or don't do. Every time you think of yourself, ask yourself what kind of adult life you desire for your child.

I leave you with an observation after 20 years of field experience. 99% of the time the parents don't get on the same page, trouble follows. Trouble takes the form of a withdrawn teen, withdrawn spouse, divorce, distraught children. Anxious children unable to make their own decisions, lying, poor school performance, physical ailments, drugs, alchohol, promiscuity, pregnancy, abortion, suicide or criminal activity. I have not met one parent who set out to produce a child with any of these characteristics, but these are the by-products of egos left unchecked. And even if your child is "only" anxious, why would you want "even" that to be something they have to deal with just because you don't agree?

It's a new year. What about agreeing to agree? Unite and show your kids you are there as role models desiring a special future for them. Do your very best to know them and coach them - but don't fix things for them. Show them how they can do the fixing. But please, stay on the same page.

It's Never Over For Your Kids

I'm talking about divorce. For the parents, there's a final decree and the court date. Boom, marraige over. The notarized paper says so. As time marches on, hopefully each one comes to terms with the end of the union and works through their pain/anger/grief and aquisition of a new toaster or table. It's over for parents.

Not for the kids. The court date didn't draw a line for them. It's not something they get over, because they are the victims of its ongoing consequences. The divorce remains present tense for the kids. Forever.

If you are a spouse, you can say you were once married to someone who (fill in the blank) and you don't have to deal with that anymore. You can move on. The kids don't see it like that. Even the most ugly marraiges aren't viewed through an adult lens.

These are just kids. They have to live with a dead family that now exists in fragments in multiple locations. Their "space" changes as they shuttle back and forth between two households - maybe more if grandparents are in the mix, too. The rules and vibes change, too. Perhaps one parent is more consistent and one more laid back? Maybe one spends more money? They might be in the shaddows, observing mom or dad (or both) dating. The dates might have their own kids. Each parent might marry again. There could even be a new little brother or sister in one household, not to mention any kids that came with the new spouse. Can you imagine what that does to their birth order? The new baby gets to live with dad full time, but they don't. Can you imaging what that does to their self-worth? They are a  part-time kid now. Sob.

On a more petty level, they have stuff spread out between locations, and the way the parents regard the stuff impacts their daily life. "No, you cannot bring that item to your mother's. It stays here." What if they liked the thing 7 days a week, not just weekends? Too bad. Not now.

Worse, what if the parents can't co-parent and do not value the fact that their sperm and egg caused their child into being? The biological role cannot be erased as simply as a marraige license. Mom is mom, Dad is dad. Each parent should strive to communicate objectively with the other because they are still parents. The change is that when they parent now, they aren't together locationally. But they can and should be together - on the same page - as co-parents. It should not be about trying to control the other parent's home life, or sabbotage a relationship or play mean. That gig is at the expense of the child.

My ex used to steal our daughter's coats. In a seven-month period, 5 coats went away. I would send her dressed weather-appropriately and she would come home without a coat or jacket. The first few times it happened, I would call and ask to have him bring back the coat next time. His standard reply was "what coat? I don't have it". Initially I tried to reason and say "yes you do, it was on her when you picked her up". But my descriptions and reminders fell on passive-agressive ears. "I don't have it." The first coat was a nice one, the next coat was one she was growing out of. When I realized he was trying to control me by bothering me, I shut up and sent her in hand-me-down jackets until I ran out. Then I stopped sending her in a coat, period. At just five years old, she was well aware that her father was trying to jerk us around.  If she got cold, she could tell him. I was done engaging.

Our daughter, however, was taught that daddy didn't care about her basic well-being. Bad move on his part. She even stopped bringing him things from school to show him. That still stabs my heart thinking of that this many years later. The earnest little face that wanted her father's affection and approval became determined and savvy at an age when she should have only had to think about what outfit to put on Barbie. But she had to step up to care for herself when she was with him - because he wasn't. The guy who sneered feidishly at me and tried other such manouvers to "get me" failed to make me anxious or worried. He succeeded in damaging the heart of his developing little girl all because he placed a higher value on lashing out than he did in co-parenting.

When she would tell me what he had done or not done, I would empathize and say :"Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry he chose to do that. Come have a hug."  When she would ask me why he would do that, my reply was similar: "I don't know why he would choose that. Let's pray for him to be the best daddy." While I would vent to my friends, I did not disparaiage her father in front of her. I encouraged her to love him because he was her dad, beast that he was. Kids want permission to love both parents. Give it.

You may be in a horror movie of a marraige. (I sure was.) But that ended a long time ago. He died the year after the divorce was final. There were pieces to process and therapy to work on, but it's long over. The hell is over. For me. For our daughter? She is still a child of divorce who lost her home and lifestyle. Her mom returned to work to support them and she learned about before and after school daycare in additon to packing a little suitcase every other weekend. Her parents were in different houses.

How do small children process such drastic changes? Today there are some great support groups for parents and kids. The one I really like is national: Divorce Care 4 Kids. It helps them deal with their divorce at age appropriate levels. When I was divorced, there were support groups for adults but kids weren't addressed. If you are going through a divorce, please take advantage of a group for your kiddoes. They need to be able to express their feelings with other kids who know what it's like. It is even more critical if you have to live with game-playing or lack of parenting from the other parent.

Another great tool for sharing information about the kids neutrally is an internet based tool called Our Family Wizard.  Parents can share schedules, visits and parenting plans not to mention journal, log expenses and e-mail. This gem is worth the $99 annual subscription. www.ourfamilywizard.com

Telling our kids they did not cause the divorce and that mom and dad will always love them isn't enough. We need to act like it by living it out. As hard as it is for a parent to go through a divorce, be sure you try to look at it through your child's eyes. Twenty years from now, they are the ones who will have to figure out which house to go to for Thanksgiving, not you.