"You Made Me Angry!!!"

Actually, no you didn't.

People can't "make" another person anything. It is up to the individual determining their response to the situation that brings in their own  emotions. No one else is responsible for our emotions. They all belong to lil' ol' us. Period.

Feeling angry? Fine. Just own that it is your response, not someone else's command. Sure. You might feel angry after experiencing something with another person. But they did not "make" you angry. It's not their fault you are angry or what you do with that anger.

I know someone who blamed his car accident on his mom dying. He was so angry, he crashed his car. It was his mom's fault. Not really. It was his fault because he was the driver. Instead of owning his responsibility, he shrugged off the blame and played the victim. If he would have said "I was so angry and preoccupied when my mom died, I totalled my car" it would have made more sense.

When my kids were small and would sulk at me "you made me angry!!!" I would always respond with "Nope. No one can make you have your feelings but you. You can tell me you are angry, but I did not cause your anger." That sure took the wind out of their sails and intitially they would stomp out of the room. Gradually they could separate the cause from their reactions and ceased to point the finger. They learned from a very short height that they are "the boss of their emotions" - no one else.

Another thing not to say is "I just can't help how angry I feel about ________." Yes, you can. Your anger is the result of this formula:  A + B = C. Your anger is C, what happened was A. B is your perception, your interpretation of what A means. It is your B that you need to figure out and possibly reframe.

Here's an example. When I was first married to my hubby, his exwife regularly did or said things regarding their child that I would seethe over. My husband on the other hand, would shrug it off. I wanted him to join me in anger and be as irritated as I was. He could care less because his B was different than mine. His B was "so what?" and my B was "no one should do this" and thus my C. Once I learned that it was what it was and she wasn't going to change, I released my anger and my B became an "oh well". It was very freeing.

So when you are faced with something that really pushes your anger buttons, sit yourself down and ask yourself how you are attaching meaning to that B. You may find out someone is doing somethng just like someone in your past, or that something reminds you of a time you were wronged or failed. Once you know this formula, you truly can become slow to anger and more cautious in your speech.

Now when I see a loud, angry person I don't cringe or fear. They are just displaying to the world a low level of maturity and demonstrating a lack of self control. I wish every child growing up in an angry household today could know this truth before it impacts them.

Oh, and just like no one can make you angry, no one can make you happy, either. But that's for another blog.

Anger Management

Just the other day, while driving and making a legal right turn onto a 2-lane road, a woman made a U-turn from the opposite direction, cutting across the two lanes in order to be in front of me. This all happened rather quickly and I remember her angry face yelling at me from within the confines of her vehicle. Not only did she yell and glare, just as soon as she cut across the lanes, she swerved into a bank entrance. Bam! I'm glad I was awake or else.

I blinked and thought "Woa, she's one angry person" and continued on the way to my hair appointment.

Ever since this happened, I've been thinking about anger and the damage it can do when adults act out in front of kids. But what about when kids are mad? How can we help them work through it in a healthy way?

When my girl was 8, I married my current (and last) husband. He did things foreign to her like read with her, ask about homework, insist on seat belts and respecting the family by doing chores. Her birth father had been completely detached. She had never experienced what a father's hands-on care was like. After a few months, she was acting out in uncharacteristic ways.

So one Sunday, the three of us had a pow-wow. We sat around the dining room table, blew up a balloon and had her draw her birth-father's face on it. Then we lovingly asked her if she was mad at him. Yes. Since he had died, she could no longer speak to him, so we told her she could speak to the balloon as if it was him. Choking back tears, she yelled and stammered at the man who had so let her down. How could he have cared so little? We were all wiping away tears. After she felt she got it all out, we had a great discussion and release time. We closed with prayer and she got to pop the balloon.

Don't ask me where I got that idea, I know. It had to be from God. This next idea came from a dear assistant when our 5-year old son was so angry that his favorite friend was moving away he was acting out all over the place.

My assistant - a devoted grandmama - gave me the perfect idea for our active boy! She told me to take him to the lake and encourage him to pick up rocks and as he tossed them into the lake, yell out what part of his anger that represented.

So, off we went to the lake. Before we started, I told him we knew how upset he was and that by throwing rocks, he could give his hurt and anger to God. Each time he picked one up, he told me what it was for and then hurled it into the lake. We stayed there throwing rocks until he had nothing more to say and just wanted to throw rocks, period.

With both of these situations, we sat and prayed. We thanked God for caring about thoughts and feelings, and for taking away what hurts.

Kids are concrete thinkers, and this was a great way for them to deal with their emotions in a literal way. Both times, I cried with them, held them and when we were done, told them how brave they were and how much God loved them. Both times, that anger was truly gone.

Sometimes a counselor is necessary, sometimes we just need to enter their world and offer assistance.

The Buzz About the Shot Up Laptop

If you are a YouTube fan, you might have already seen the viral video with frustrated father Tommy in his cowboy hat ranting about his ungrateful 15-year old daughter. He ends up dumping 8 hollow point bullets into her laptop to prove his point.

Dr. Laura replayed the audio of his video the other day, then read only the supportive comments. Our Youth Pastor sent out the link plus Tommy's own follow up prior to that. I read parent comments on Tommy's video and commented on the parent page at our church. I LOVE that a dad taking a stand is generating so much buzz! We need more dads who do this - forget about the cigarette or the gun or even the anger. Go dads who stand up!

I sent Tommy a comment (that I doubt he will get to read because he now has so much to peruse online) that I respected him taking a stand, but thought there could be a better way... the reality discipline way. After watching his video, I felt sure that after shooting up his girl's laptop, he would remind her day after day that she used to have a laptop, and had she not been so ungrateful, she still would have one and now she will just have to wait til age 18 to buy her own.

Hey, I am all for kids experiencing the consequence of their behavior and having to endure the waiting period to repurchase a "lost item" or privilege, but I vote NO on reminding them about their losses. Zipping parental lips is the hardest thing to do, and I ought to know, I use 39,000 words/day!

The reality discipline way to do things is to do them, but do them as if you are on valium. The key words are as if.I told Tommy that I might have shot up the laptop (or wanted to), but not let my kid see that part. Surely I agree that it is gone. I would just tell them it was gone because of __________, period. When they have a job and can buy a new one, great.

There is nothing like that agreeable shrug. "Yeah, I would wish I still had a laptop, too." Compare that with, "See?! Now you don't have that laptop anymore!! See?! See???"

Which response would impact a teen for the better?

What is the goal of removing the laptop, anyway? If it is to teach a lesson, then I say remove it by selling it and letting someone else gain the benefit of the new software. The kid can still experience the loss and won't see a dad out on a limb... A limb any parent can certainly understand.

The more I look at and experience parenting scenarios (aka opportunities) the more I believe it is about the less we say.

Remember that adage? Actions speak louder than words. Hey fellow parents, let's let 'em!