"You Made Me Angry!!!"

Actually, no you didn't.

People can't "make" another person anything. It is up to the individual determining their response to the situation that brings in their own  emotions. No one else is responsible for our emotions. They all belong to lil' ol' us. Period.

Feeling angry? Fine. Just own that it is your response, not someone else's command. Sure. You might feel angry after experiencing something with another person. But they did not "make" you angry. It's not their fault you are angry or what you do with that anger.

I know someone who blamed his car accident on his mom dying. He was so angry, he crashed his car. It was his mom's fault. Not really. It was his fault because he was the driver. Instead of owning his responsibility, he shrugged off the blame and played the victim. If he would have said "I was so angry and preoccupied when my mom died, I totalled my car" it would have made more sense.

When my kids were small and would sulk at me "you made me angry!!!" I would always respond with "Nope. No one can make you have your feelings but you. You can tell me you are angry, but I did not cause your anger." That sure took the wind out of their sails and intitially they would stomp out of the room. Gradually they could separate the cause from their reactions and ceased to point the finger. They learned from a very short height that they are "the boss of their emotions" - no one else.

Another thing not to say is "I just can't help how angry I feel about ________." Yes, you can. Your anger is the result of this formula:  A + B = C. Your anger is C, what happened was A. B is your perception, your interpretation of what A means. It is your B that you need to figure out and possibly reframe.

Here's an example. When I was first married to my hubby, his exwife regularly did or said things regarding their child that I would seethe over. My husband on the other hand, would shrug it off. I wanted him to join me in anger and be as irritated as I was. He could care less because his B was different than mine. His B was "so what?" and my B was "no one should do this" and thus my C. Once I learned that it was what it was and she wasn't going to change, I released my anger and my B became an "oh well". It was very freeing.

So when you are faced with something that really pushes your anger buttons, sit yourself down and ask yourself how you are attaching meaning to that B. You may find out someone is doing somethng just like someone in your past, or that something reminds you of a time you were wronged or failed. Once you know this formula, you truly can become slow to anger and more cautious in your speech.

Now when I see a loud, angry person I don't cringe or fear. They are just displaying to the world a low level of maturity and demonstrating a lack of self control. I wish every child growing up in an angry household today could know this truth before it impacts them.

Oh, and just like no one can make you angry, no one can make you happy, either. But that's for another blog.