Just Put A Bowl of Cherrios On The Floor

When our itty bitties are itty and bitty, we naturally dole out nibblets like mama birds. I understand this. We want our darlings to keep nourished.

But as our precious ones get taller and attend school, I really don't think they need to sit in the nest and still and squawk for snacks to be spit into their billets. (Forget main meals - they can hear you ring the bell or clang the gong for that feed.) They know how to self-feed, don't they? Yet?

Here is what I don't understand: Parents who control snacks. Down to the time of day and number of crackers or apple slices. You know - the age when your kid is school-aged or even able to comprehend.Why give yourself more work? Do you really want to be tied in to more details than necessary?

"Tommy you can only have 3 Rtiz crackers or you will spoil your dinner! Do not even think about asking for one more!", "Sally, you are nine but I need you to ask me first before you get a glass of water and I need to pour it for you." "Roger, you did not finish your kale at lunch so forget any snack now!" These are just a few of the parent diatribes I frequently hear. They are followed by the bugle sound from the old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adult spoke... only now it's the whining from the kid who just wants a little something more to eat. The parent then spends another half hour saying
"no" multiple times.

Boring.

What is the big deal about counting their bites? Sure. If they want to eat a quart of ice cream a half hour before dinner. Or toast a loaf of bread --- unless they are a teen boy, don't worry. They will still eat dinner. Forget that bag of Cheetos. That's a duh.

But hey. If they just got home from school at 4:30 (and unfortunately, I know that happens way too often for elementary kids) please give them a snack!

So what if they get "too full" on veggies and fruits and can't eat all their "dinner"? Who cares?!  They ate well and got multiple servings from the magical Food Pyramid. It's not like they are "too full" of pizza or other conveyor-belt nothings. They ate real food and got full. Time to celebrate, not dictate.

Can you separate from what you experienced while growing up? Your kiddos really can exist along with you but not need to be attached like a leech. I have no memory of my Betty Crocker Mama putting a special cookie on a plate after school. Beaver's mom even poured a special glass of milk. (Bet he got out of school at 2:30!)

When my darlings were in elementary school, I kept the fridge stocked with veggies and fruits. There was a "Kid Zone" in the pantry where I kept repackaged cereal combinations with very little sugar. Let's just call that "gravel". They had full access and did not need to ask me a thing. Between the "gravel" and the fruits and veggies in the fridge, my kids could "free feed" just like our dog. They knew where "their" food was located, could have all the water they wanted and go to the bathroom without permission. I didn't care how much good stuff they ate or water they drank. Heck, add milk to that list. Just as long as they knew where the dishwasher, sink and garbage were.

When I observe parents unnecessarily inserting themselves into situations they make more complicated, I am stupefied. Why add more to the list? If you give your kids good guidelines and provide healthy snack options what does it matter to you?

For me, I didn't even know enough to want to save my brain cells and not waste my breath counting out the correct amount of Gold Fish crackers. Interrupting an adult conversation to go pour a glass of water my child was fully capable of doing did not occur to me. I just didn't see the need to control and simply wanted to raise emerging adults who would make positive decisions on their own.

Snacks? That is indeed sweating the very small stuff. Ahhh just call me lazy or ignorant. Either way, am I ever glad I didn't spend any time on food patrol.

Gots me two great ones!

Signs That You May Be A Helicopter Parent

A mom I know was filled with anxiety when her new college freshman son did not call home for the first three weeks away from home. Even pleading emails from his father urging him to assuage his mother's worry did not compel him to pick up his phone. "He is probably spending all his savings and only eating pizza," moaned his mother to me. I should have seen it coming 18 years prior when I first met him. He was just 8 months old, content in his baby swing when his mother stated "he's bored" and commanded his father to go entertain him while she worked on dinner. I wondered how a little baby would even know how to be bored on top of all that sleeping and pooping.

That was my first living example of a helicopter parent at work.

So what is a helicopter parent? It is one who believes they must hover over their child for anything to happen - or not happen. They believe their input and oversight must be present in every waking decision and experience and have a terrible time letting go. In case you were wondering, this is not the ideal way to parent and neither is dictatorship. The difference is with the dictator, there is none of the anxiety involved in helicoptering. A dictator does not have as much of their identity wrapped up in their children, they just want it their way. A helicopter parent thinks of little else than how to direct their children and make sure everything is okay. The problem with helicoptering is that you cannot really control anything. The more you think you need to "be there" or "make sure", the more anxiety you are putting on your plate. (In another blog, we will talk about the ideal parenting model - loving authority.)

You might be a helicopter parent if...

- You interrupt adult conversations to answer your child's frequent phone calls to locate typical things around the house or ask questions about trivial matters

- You are on your landline long distance with a friend and tell them to hold while you answer a cell phone call from your child wanting to know if you will take them to the mall before dinner

- You insist on selecting every outfit your children wear well past that first day of school in Kindergarten or you argue about what they have chosen to wear

- You think your child won't eat unless you tell them to or place it on a plate for them

- You allow your child to whine about a meal and make a special plate to accommodate their "likes"

- You call the school to be sure some of your child's friends are in their class

- You help your children with their friendships

- You correct, comment or react to your child's every comment

- You can't stop thinking about whether they zipped their coat up or not and go through their backpacks daily to arrange contents

- You care more about their schoolwork than they do

- You do not allow them to help around the house because they won't do it the right way

- You assume the worst when they are left to their own wiles rather than coming from a place of trust first

- Your reason for being is to do everything for your kids and to keep them happy

- You will do everything possible so they do not experience failure

- You pepper them with question after question to be sure you know everything

- You can't rest if all their toys aren't put away just-so

Do you want anyone this involved in your life? I sure don't. And all that extra focus isn't going to make anyone feel more loved. Trying to make sure everything is perfect is useless because life isn't about what we can control, it is about controlling our impulses over what comes our way. Doing everything for our children cripples them from becoming fully functioning adults. You don't really want to have your adult children avoid you like the kid who actually didn't "spend all his money on pizza", do you?

Remember, the purpose of parenting is to prepare our children for adulthood. And adults aren't supposed to need to be told when to blink.