Ever had this happen in your parenting?
You are in the kitchen and you hear a loud crash coming from the family room. Off you hustle to conduct inspection. As you round the corner at warp speed second only to transporting yourself there a la Star Trek, you spy your kid standing near a lamp that is now laying broken on the floor. Little brother is across the room and both kids are frozen, not knowing whether to stare at you or the lamp.
What do you assume? What do you do?
If you want a kid that doesn't lie and will talk to you as they mature, you do not jump to conclusions and you do not act angry. Yes, even if that was the family heirloom lamp treasured for generations. You stand calmly and first look for blood. If the humans are fine, you calmly ask what they were trying to accomplish. Notice I didn't suggest you say "What were you doing?" Say that and I promise their answer will be "Nothing..."
Remember, your goal is to raise healthy, self-sufficient adults and your objective is to get them to talk. Your words should be non-condemning and open-ended. "Wow, I heard a noise and wanted to be sure you guys are alright. What were you trying to do?" goes a long way in creating dialog. Now, if they say they were playing catch with a brick, you can discipline them for playing outdoor games in the house, and bricks can harm so they are off limits. If they say they were trying to dust for you and knocked it, or if they even say they were wrestling and bumped the table I would not discipline them.
What? You see, that is called an accident. They were not intentionally being reckless. Maybe the wrestlers would have to pay some price to replace the lamp. For sure they can help you clean up. They can get the broom, the garbage bag and rubber gloves for you. They can go put on socks and stand nearby and help look for glass pieces. They can put the dog in another area. After it's all picked up, they can vacuum. All the while you are calm, you are Switzerland.
Chances are they will show remorse. This is good. Let them say they are sorry, especially if they now realize they ruined a family treasure. (If that's the case, I see a new art project in your future making a mosaic.) Tell them you are sorry it happened, too. They can see you look sad, they just don't need to hear you scream and yell. Even if they were being intentional. They just have to work to repay the fair value. The important thing is that you didn't have to make a trip to the ER.
Conclude with a short plan for next time. What will they do differently? What did they learn? Where can they wrestle and throw things? Conversation over. If they are going to earn $ toward a new item, make a chart of things to do they can check off, but no more discussion until the day their debt is paid.
Do examine your circumstances. Are the kids set up for failure? If you have active kids, it is unreasonable to expect them to sit nicely and play quietly. Too cold to get them outside for more physical movement? Get out one of your Wii fitness games. Don't have any video games like that? Play gym class with them and get them exercising. If your active kids keep doing "wrong" things in your house, it's time to check how you have it set up and what you have on display. They need a zone that is okay to move in. Got a tight apartment and kids that like paint and glue and table messes? Go to Wall-Mart and purchase a yard of oilcloth for about $3. Place it felt-side down on your table and voila - your kids can create all they want and your table is safe. You should see the years of paint and marker stains on mine. I just wipe it and roll it for next time.
Rather than grip and suspect - hold your kids loosely in the palm of your hand. Find out what they were trying to do before you open your mouth and put your hands on your hips. If they grow up condemned by you, they will lie out of fear of your unreasonable wrath. They don't really want to get in trouble, but they will if you don't establish clear guidelines or are unreasonable. And they surely will need constant supervision if you train them to come to you for every little thing. All that does is prolong their ability to make sound decisions. Isn't that one of the core values parents want to instill?
Here's to calmer crashes in your house.
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