Who Cares if They Don't Eat Dinner?

One of my favorite things to teach parents with small children is how not to fret about dinner time. Some parents try implementing my techniques right away while others continue to have the daily argument and worry about their child's nutrition. The ones who consistently implement tell me how delighted they are with the results.

I'm not saying I don't care about nutrition. I absolutely do. Read on if you would like to stem the boring "eat your dinner" diatribe and enjoy actual conversations instead. Read on if you would like to have a pleasant meal time with your family. If you want to perpetuate fussy eating and whining and raise a little princess or prince, don't bother. (And if that's your goal then what are you doing reading this blog??)

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That's the perfect visual for the parent who nags "eat your dinner" every night and thinks that is what is gonna - snap - get their kid to eat.

Nooooo. Kids learn best by hearing, seeing and doing.

All you need to say is "Dinner time." It's rather obvious that the food on the plate is intended to be eaten using the silverware sitting on their napkin. You can model eating by taking bites off your own plate. Create a calm environment - shut off the TV - select conversation threads that don't incite arguments and allow a reasonable period of time for everyone to eat.

Rushing is not good for digestion and can lead to choking, much less anxiety. Public school allows about 20 minutes for lunch, so take your cue from them and add a few more minutes. Teach your family that no one leaves the table until dinner is over. It's rude to have members get up and leave those who chew more slowly. Did you know we are supposed to chew each bite about 20 times? And yes, I am well aware that no one does that in North America. Those who finish early can have more salad, or if they are full they can add to the conversation. No one should start urging slower eaters to hurry. Let the plates sit until the last person finishes. You are not at a restaraunt where they take off the dirty plates the instant someone finishes.

It's another thing if you have a strong-willed kid who stares off and makes no attempt to eat. When the time is up for dinner to be over, it's over. The kitchen is closed until breakfast. For those who have finished their dinner and get hungry later, they are welcome to a bowl of non-sugary cereal before bed. But if they didn't eat their dinner, they don't get a special meal prepared for them - much less a snack.

All you do is smile cheerfully when they delcare "But I'm hungry!!!!"

"I would be too, if  I didn't eat dinner." Smile.

"But --- I'm hungry!!!"

"The kitchen is closed. Breakfast is at 7:00." Another smile.

A couple of nights of this is all it will take for your fussy eater grasp the concept that food will be available at dinner time or they will go hungry. The key is to act as if you are on valium and unfazed by their words. I call this being "Valium Girl". It will take awhile to get it perfected, but remember that all you have to do is act like it. Eventually your feelings of zen will follow the act. There is much parental power to be had by remaining chill and not responding.

Don't let them follow you around trying to wear you down. Gently guide them to their room to get ready for bed. If they come out and want to continue to attempt their power play, point them toward to door to leave the room. Don't talk about dinner any more. Repeat your mantra about breakfast.

I repeat, do not make your fussy eater a separate meal from the rest of the family. You aren't a short order cook. Everyone gets a taste of everything. If your kid "hates" your menu and sulks, get up and dump his plate in the sink and sit back down and eat your dinner. Excuse that kid from the table and calmly continue conversing with the rest of the family. If they ask you why you did that, shrug and say that they said they didn't like it. Breakfast is at 7:00. Remember, no snacking later, The kitchen is closed.

You won't have to do this too many times before it will sink in that you mean business. Oh, and that reminds me. Only one parent needs to do the talking. If there are two parents present, one talks and the other joins in acting calm and changing the subject with everyone else.

The Kitchen is Closed

When my daughter was in third grade, we went out to dinner at the local burger joint along with a neighbor and her third and first grade sons. We each ordered for ourselves and kids and waited at the counter for our trays of burgers and fries to be ready. I remember that the mother had some coaching to do with the first grade son, but didn't think too much about it.

That is, until we sat down in our booth and began unwrapping our burgers. Much to the first grade son's disappointment, the burger he unwrapped was not the child-size one he had ordered. It was the regular size burger with exactly the same condiments and cheese requested. He began to pout loudly and whine to his mother.

My girl and I exchanged glances, uncertain what the problem was because he got what he wanted - just a little bigger. He could eat a little less and be fine. No big deal, right? Wrong. He continued to whimper and his mother continued to coddle him until she appologetically went back to the counter and ordered him a new, smaller burger. She had a big smile that she had pleased her son, and he happily bit into his perfect burger.

I thought she had just taught her sons that they can have whatever they wanted and cringed for their future wives who would have to live up to high expectations.

Over the years I have met many a parent who has catered to her child's eating whims. They have gone so far as to create separate meals in order to get them to eat. As they explain their predicament to me, they shrug as if they are powerless and continue to outline the lengths they have gone to get something edible down the throat of their child.

Perhaps because I was once just such a finicky eater (PBJs every day for a year) I determined not to to bring another such person into the world.

So in my grown-up house, we serve the same dinner to everyone. That is the food available for the meal, period. You can't turn your nose up to what has been prepared and go make macaroni. You can, however, have a bowl of cereal later if you ate dinner and are still hungry. I have encouraged our kids to at least taste something new, and if they really do hate it, we don't force it. After all, I don't like beets, either.

We also got the kids cooking at an early age so they could see what went into a meal. By the time they were in early elementary grades, they would shop with me for the ingredients and work on each step of the meal with some help. There is no magic fairy in our house. The  phrase "the kitchen is closed" was implemented to keep late-nite snackers from messing up or a kid who refused dinner to try and wheedle food out of us later on . Usually we would add the time the kitchen was closed to this pronouncement. We'd say it calmly, brightly adding that "breakfast will be served at 8:00."

A huge influence on my philosophy of meal time magic comes from Dr. Kevin Leman, renowned parenting expert and psychologist for over 30 years. (Check out all his books on Amazon! They are fun reading with practical applications.) In one of his books, he shares this suggestion he gave a mom with a fussy kid who didn't like spaghetti - the rest of the family's favorite meal. Dr. Leman told the mom to make that spaghetti and set the table for everyone except the whiner, then call the family for dinner. They calmly begin serving and eating the meal. The whiner came in the room and wondered why there wasn't a plate for him, and the mom cheerfully told him, "well honey, you don't like spaghetti." The stunned kid wandered over to the kitchen counter, lifted the lid on the sauce pot and said, "well, I could eat this spaghetti." He never complained again. And yes, he even ate spaghetti.

My absolute favorite Dr. Leman story is the one where the whiney eater - sitting at the table - looks at his plate and whimpers that he doesn't like this stuff. The parent cheerfully says ""okay", stands up and takes his plate to the sink where he dumped the entire contents. They calmly return to the dinner table and continue eating. The astonished kid asks what happened. Their cheerful reply, "You said you didn't like it. Breakfast will be at 8:00. You are excused." That kid  never complained again, either. I only had to do this once. It works. The key is you being cool, calm and unruffled.

If you haven't guessed by now, my favorite way of parenting involves reality - not lecturing, not reminding. At first you will have to work at acting calmer than you really are. But very soon, if you are committed and consistent, you will realize you really are.

P.S.  You can modify these ideas for older kids who don't show up on time at the dinner table. Breakfast is at 8:00.

Bon Appetit!