More Than One Hour Each Week

167 hours. Minus the one hour on Sunday when your kid might be in Sunday School, that's what you've got at home each week to influence your child for God. Subtracting five 8-hour school days, you're left with 127. Hopefully they sleep at least 8 hours each night, so that puts you at 87 hours. Not bad.

1 vs. 87.

If we rely only on that one hour at church each weekend to deeply impact our children, we're fooling ourselves.

Most kids are in public school and endure forty hours of influence. They are learning more than what is taught by the teacher and developing filters and assessments they wouldn't even think to articulate. They just think it is a part of going to school and doing life.

So what do we do?

We find ways to weave God's truth into everyday lives in everyday moments. We ask God to make us aware and alert, something every ancient Hebrew family knew by heart:

"Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, The Lord alone. And you must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

Aiming to teach our kids that God loves us is our highest calling. Placing enough information and experience in their lives so that they decide for themselves to follow God is more important than dance lessons and soccer teams. They can always do that, but their hearts won't always be open and we can't recapture those natural, teachable moments to show our kids the power and awe and truth of God.

Not a Bible scholar? No problem. Neither were those Hebrew parents. They just taught a few verses over and over! Now we have all kinds of resources to equip us, starting with the Bible. Be assured that when Jesus said "let the little children come to me" he wasn't only talking about kids. Admit what you don't know and try your best, God always honors that. And bit by bit, you will be surprised at what you have learned and shared. A friend of mine didn't think she knew enough, either but her desire was to train her young girls. Guess what? She lead them both to accept Christ. That nervous mom trusted God to make her words make sense. Today she confidently continues to share God's truth and is growing with her kids. God loves your children more than you do, remember that.

So what are some simple teachable moments?
- Looking at the stars, tell the story of God's promise to Abraham
- Driving in the car, notice other drivers' behavior and pray for them
- Teach them to pray every time they ride their bike or use scissors
- Start and end the day with short, simple prayers
- Pray aloud for every siren you hear, for the people who need help, for safety
- Notice the details in the changing seasons and share how God has ordered the world
- When coloring, comment on the name of the color and how God made the colors
- Create a "thankful jar" and collect notes for a month, then read as a family
- While listening to the news, pause the radio or TV and pray for what is going on
- Hold the door for others, put trash in public waste cans
- Enjoy pictures of unusal creatures and talk about how God made them all - He made us!
- When correcting wrong behaviour, let them know they also need to apologize to God
- Let them see you honoring their other parent

All of these ideas are what I call "by the way" acts. You were already doing it or going there, so why not just add a sentence or a phrase about God? I like to listen to the Dr. Laura radio program in the car and I can't tell you how many great chats her calls have inspired between me and my kids. None of this requires an extra bit of schedule, just a bit of effort to stop and call attention to God in our everyday lives. Pretty soon it will be a habit and before you know it, you will have added years of meaningful influence to your child's growing soul.

Then, that one hour on Sunday is adding to the foundation you have already laid and you can partner with your children's ministry team for even greater impact.

Responding to Oklahoma

This has been a horrible week for people in Tornado alley. They now suffer storms in the aftermath of an EF-5 tornado as the rescue operation desperately continues. Those of us who have never had buildings ripped off around us and watched our belongings and memories turn into toothpicks within minutes cannot understand the sudden shock and magnitude of loss. The ones who "only" lost their homes are the fortunate ones. There are many families who must also face the loss of a child or other loved one on top of the horror.

I finally had to turn the channel because it was just too much for me to hear as a compassionate onlooker. I can do that, but the people in Oklahoma can't close their eyes or change the channel to make the images go away. This is their life now and for a very long time to come. Long after the media has moved onto the next story, the clean up and rebuilding will continue. As we have learned from other natural disasters, there will be lots of waiting. Waiting for government assistance, for insurance, for shipments, for news and for reconstruction. Waiting for time to take them farther and farther away from yesterday.

With children hearing about this and not living locally, sometimes we wonder what we can do. Well we can do plenty!

• First and ongoing: Pray! Nothing replaces the power of hearts connected to God. Pull out a map of the area and show your kids. Sit together and specifically ask God to touch and heal lives.
• Find some positive stories in the midst of the disaster (like the elderly lady who found her dog alive in the rubble today) and thank God for hope.
• Visit your local Red Cross and donate blood. After 9/11 a number of our friends did that and we lived in California. 
• Sign up to be a volunteer. No matter where you serve, you are making a difference. Many cities have non-profit food packing facilities or food shelters. Help is always needed.
• When Katrina hit, I organized a diaper and water bottle drive at our church in Minnesota. These donations were merged with other organizations sending trailers south. What is your church doing?
• Check online to see the relief work already in place there and contact venues to see what is needed. In just a couple minutes I learned that Journey Church in Moore is a staging area for disaster relief and the Convoy of Hope that feeds the hungry is hard at work getting supplies to the victims.
• Sit down and color with your kids. Have them draw their feelings and reassure them. Or, have them color pictures and write notes and deliver them to a local hospice or senior citizen home. There is nothing like an art or craft outlet for our emotions.

These are just a few ideas off the top of my head that hopefully nudge our need to do something positive to counteract tragedy. They of course follow parental acknowledgement and reassurance. We don't want to focus on the devastation - we want to see the bigger picture and do what we can to help rebuild and support those in their time of need. Just don't forget to keep praying, when the spotlight is removed the need will still be there.

Teaching Children to Pray

One of the most important things we can do as adults or youth investing in the lives of children is to teach them how to pray. We are not always with them, as much as we think we are, or that they are being properly supervised. We certainly do not know how they are processing an experience. If we can teach them to talk and listen to God, they will be able to receive peace and comfort precisely when they need it.

Growing up, we recited a generationally mutilated Norwegian prayer before meals. It had gotten so mispronounced by my ancestors that by the time I was in college and some Norwegian exchange students heard us “pray”, they looked blankly at us. We had not learned to thank God for his provision and truly mean it.

On Sharing Day in Kindergarten, I brought my big teddy bear. He became my tearful comfort on the bus ride home when I failed to get off at my stop and spent hours cowering in the bus thinking I would never see my family again. How wonderful if I had already understood that I could truly talk to God and share my fears?

A few years ago I was encouraging an adult relative to pray about something. He scoffed that he didn’t bother God with small stuff. I told him I even prayed for new underwear.

The picture above is used by permission from the four Kindergarten families. The Sunday School teacher had just asked the class to pray. Look at the different responses. Just before I took the picture, the boy lifting his shirt had briefly bowed his head and then kept on moving. Four different boys, four different reactions, four different prayers – each one as valuable as the next. That’s why I treasure this picture.

We are all so different, and each one of us is cherished by God as if we were his one and only child. Our temperaments and characters matter. Our thoughts and feelings matter. When I teach children to pray, I try to communicate this. There is no one “correct” way to pray. I was once asked by a fellow Bible study participant if the prayers I prayed while driving counted – because I could not shut my eyes.

Prayer is simply talking and listening to God. For young children, they start by learning to talk. They address God, say something, then end it. I keep it very short. “Dear God, thank you for the rain, amen.” “Dear God, please help my brother, amen.” “Dear God, I love you, amen.” Amen simply means “so be it”. So kids could actually say “Dear God, thank you for loving us, so be it.”

A great thing to teach kids about praying is to pray God’s Word right back to him. That way they learn to memorize Bible verses. They can say these verses any time they want. I taught my girl to memorize verses beginning at the age of two. She could learn them faster than me! I also taught her what they meant, so she was not merely reciting words. During a traumatic divorce and under great fear while spending court-ordered time with her birth father, she recited Psalm 37:4 over and over one night until she fell asleep.

As our kids grow, they can learn the listening part of prayer. How it takes many forms. Sometimes all I can say is “God help”. They can learn to sing, write or dance their prayers and that it is all called Worship. They can learn how important it is to pray for others we don’t even know. (That will be another blog.) But for now, if they can learn some simple thank-yous and requests, they are on their way.

By modeling simple prayer, our children can learn that prayer is one way we connect with God. It is not about us. It is not about the longest words or the poetic voice. It is not a lecture. It is between us and God. It can be out loud. It can be silent. There is nothing God doesn’t want to hear about from us. If he loves every hair on our head, he cares about our underwear, too.

So be it.

To Emote or Not?

One of the most frequently voiced concerns I hear from parents centers on how much emotion our kids should see. Should we cry in front of our kids? Should we mask our grief or worries? Shouldn't we protect our children from our tears and fears?

If we check out the Bible, God says a few things about the role of parents. He also includes illustrations of family scenarios - many that did not turn out well for future generations. But we know He values parents and even includes the respect for parents in his top ten list. We know He desires us to teach and train. We know He desires that each one choose to follow His Way. So, does that mean we do all of this with a fake smile?

I don't think so. Since the Bible includes so many family stories that did not turn out well, yet everyone was used for God's ultimate purpose, I believe that God wants us to be real in our everyday lives. Tempered. If we mask and hide our emotions completely, our children will not know how to manage their own feelings and reactions. They won't be prepared to be a fully functioning autonomous adult, and that's sure my goal.

This does not mean I will overshare or burden my kids, either. I grew up with a worried mother who over-shared with me, which created anxiety in me. With some kids, this can make them think they need to be the one to fix things. I've had friends whose parents never batted an eye in front of them when they were kids. (Yes, they rebelled like crazy later on.)I've known people who have had to tip-toe around a parental mood, or have grown up far too young to parent the siblings because of what was going on. These stories are all too common.

What if there is a death or divorce or other major loss? How should we act?

Kids know and sense more than they are given credit for, so I think they should be respected and let in on what's going on emotionally to certain degrees. It's okay if they see mommy crying one afternoon. "Mommy is so sad right now because she misses Grandma. Please come give me a hug." As long as the tears are not all day from bed for season after season, kids will learn that even parents have feelings.

We can let our kids know why we are sad, and then even pray with them. "We miss the baby that was in Mommy's tummy but know she is with Jesus." "It hurts so bad that we cannot keep our house, but we trust God to show us the way." Here's something I said often to my five year old during a hard divorce: "Oh, Daddy said that? I'm so sorry. Let's pray that he sees how much Jesus loves him."

I even think it is okay to be carefully honest. "Daddy wanted to be with other ladies." All delivered age-appropriately. We are here to help our kids develop a framework for the tough stuff in life, so we must be responsible with how we speak. I've seen parents demand understanding from their kids. "My back has hurt for months and YOU BETTER leave me alone right now!!" I've seen parents keep their own pain going as its own entity. One weeping woman I met at a retreat was sobbing and sobbing because of her divorce. Trying to comfort her, I asked her how long she had been divorced. Through a flood of new tears she stammered "Seven years."

While I think we should show our pain (carefully), our kids also need to see us get it back together. The younger the kid, the more important that is. Remember, one day in their little lives is full and extended. A teen can let you regroup for a day or two, but no one will handle on-going mourning. They also need us to point back to our trust in God during a difficult time. They will remember this when they are adults...or parents.

I do not have memories of parents handling grief well. At least not modeling anything for me. Lots of outbursts, shut doors and no discussion. My husband lost a brother and sister in a tragic accident when he was in eighth grade and no one ever said a thing to each other, much less held each other and cried. We've dealt with our family grief more openly. The last thing I want is for a child to stuff emotion and nurse bitterness or anxiety.

Insofar as I have been aware, I have kept it balanced and real without destroying our kids' security.

Quite the delicate balance.

"Washing Machine" Prayers

It’s hard to teach concrete-thinking children how to pray to God. They are so trusting and their hearts are ripe to receive anything parents want to plant – a responsibility not to be taken lightly.

When my girl was about eight, she was having trouble getting rid of scary thoughts about her birth father. Some thoughts were memories of his disregard for her well-being, some thoughts were just thoughts about how terrible he had been to us during a very traumatic divorce.

I did not know how haunted she was until one day when she just happened to remark that she “had bad thoughts” about her father and didn’t know what to do about them. Immediately we began a careful discussion. That’s when I learned the depths of her anguish. She needed her mother’s comfort, but she also needed to know how to talk to God on her own as things would continue to pop up.

“How do I talk to God about this, Mommie?”

I told her that God would hear our prayers and take away sad thoughts and ideas. All she had to do was ask Him.

“How will it work?” She innocently wondered.

Right then a mental picture of a washing machine appeared to me, an answer to a silent prayer I had uttered. I asked her if she could picture a washing machine, and picture all the suds going round and round.

She nodded.

Then I asked her to picture putting each crummy thought or memory in all those suds. She nodded again.

“That’s how God will help you wash away those thoughts. He has the power to make them clean again. Once they’re washed away, you don’t have to let them in your mind again. They’re gone for good.”

My little girl took a deep breath and her eyes shown with relief. She thanked me for helping her. I thanked God for helping me realize her need for a picture.