Same Page Parenting

Those Hallmark Holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be hard on those who have either lost a parent or have a non-parent instead of the one majestically described on the card. It can also be hard if you are the spouse of someone who has disappointed you in their parenting. Perhaps they continue to blow it with your kids and here you are living with that day in and day out. You've said something now and then and even put a book under their nose, but they continue to behave the way they want and now you see your kids getting affected.

So what do you do when you live this kind of life? Where you are reminded of how good things could be when you see how other couples parent together? Why can't your mate get synchronized - don't they care how this affects the future of the kids? Don't they know this is crushing you?

First of all, accept the fact that this is the way it is. Not that you should give up hope, but take a deep breath and step into the reality that this may be the way it always will be. Determine that you are going to go through this as "God's good girl/boy" and do the right things in his eyes for the sake of your children.

In my first marriage, my then husband was a non-existent father to our two-year old. I provided all the care, clothing, food, bathing, activities and safety. Oh we all lived in the same house, he was just gone "at work" all the time. It got so bad that if the three of us did go somewhere together, she directed all her conversation at me because that is what she was used to. Was I bitter? You bet. Sure I wanted him to actually be a father, and I also wanted some help. I was exhausted every night. He wouldn't get home until well past her bedtime, so every routine was ours and ours alone. I finally got the idea to start thanking God that I was the "only" parent. I would thank him at dinner, at the bath tub and at the bedside. I would thank him after she went to sleep and start all over the next day.

At first I was stubbornly thanking God and I really didn't feel all that thankful. So I admitted that, too. But I kept at it. Pretty soon I was enjoying the routines and I wasn't so wiped out anymore. After all, we did have a darling kid who was fun to be with. I was delighted to be a mother. After while I didn't even thank God for being alone anymore because it wasn't foremost on my radar. I had accepted the sad fact and carved out balance as best as I could.

When you accept the situation, you are freed up. Your focus changes and those rough, snappy edges are filed down. You find peace. You can actually go about life without thinking you are crippled or wounded even if you are. You can grow in other ways and be a contributing person in spite of - or even because of - that huge disappointment or loss.

Because of the actual joy I learned to experience while parenting alone in a marriage, when it sadly came to divorce a few years later, we didn't miss him in the house. He hadn't participated in our every day lives or routines so there were no reminders of what daddy used to do that hurt or haunted us. I had already forgiven him for his non-parenting. (Forgiving the rest of what he did isn't just another blog, it's a book!)

My story is kind of extreme, but the acceptance and letting go lessons can apply to less severe situations too. Finally, hold your tongue and resist the urge to school them. You've already tried that and it didn't work. Just continue to parent the way you know best without lecture or comment. So they forget the coats. The kids whining about being cold will teach him more than you fretting. So what if you spot the better parking space? Let them pick and you button it. Do you really want your kids' memories to be that of you nagging?

Kids see the truth. No one needs to tell them. The parent who won't parent with you will reap the consequences later when their teen comes to you to talk and not them. If that parent asks you why, don't answer that question. Gently suggest they go ask your teen instead. So you might be the only parent your kid is close to. One non-nagging, non-bitter parent trying to follow God is better than none. I believe God honors the intent and fervent prayers of these parents.

So now you have accepted and forgiven. Good job! Now you can go enjoy the stability you are providing your kids and continue to pray that the influence they get from your family impacts their lives positively.

Rest in the knowledge that God loves your babies even more than you do and he more than joins you in desiring his best for them.

If they ask you about the other parent, don't disparage them. Refer them to that parent. Example:
"Mama why doesn't Daddy go to church with us?" Answer, "That would be nice, wouldn't it sweetie?""Why do you think so, Mama?" Answer, "You'll have to ask Daddy." Stay calm and neutral. Or as I call it in parenting workshops be "valium girl" - acting far more chill than you really are at the moment.

Save your venting for a close friend and never within earshot of your kids. Remember, they want to love both parents without condemnation. Giving them the freedom to do that is good for their hearts - and their souls.

What to Tell Kids About the Boston Terrorist Attack

No matter how histroy or the media will refer to the attack on Boston the day of the infamous marathon, it was an act of terror. As of this writing, no entity has claimed credit but there are two suspects. Inflicting death and fear on innocent, unsuspecting people gathered for a celebratory event is terrorism - even if it comes from within our own country. The very definition of terrorism is to terrify. And that it did. Not only those present, but with the images we continue to see repeated around the world, we can all be terrified. We can all cry for what has destroyed lives and families in a country that is supposed to be great. Great and safe.

As I visited articles on the web, I was forced to see photo after photo capturing the hundreds of stories and conditions of the victims. At first I was sickened at the sight of so much blood. So much destruction. Faces captured writhing in pain or stunned in shock. It is a horror that has only begun the first chapter in what comes next for all these people. And our nation.

But as I tapped through the pictures something else became clear. For every one person on a stretcher or collapsed on the ground, one or more passersby or neon-vested emergency official was also there. It wasn't just one person pushing a gurney toward an ambulance, it was a handful! There is a photo of a half-dozen police men unholstering their guns at the sound of the second explosion. There is a picture of a woman laying face down on the sidewalk with a man who had thrown his body over her.

No one was alone that day.

The city had prepared. When the unthinkable happened,the emergency plan was enacted and the officers, troopers, emergency crews went to work. They were aided by regular people. The ones on the side lines and the ones in the street. Everyone worked together instantaneously. That gives me chills and restores my faith in human nature.

God was there in the midst of the blood and debris and horror. He was there under a vest, in a wheelchair, in a blanket. In the arms of a stranger helping another stranger. He was already there before the marathon started. He was with all the contingency planners and emergency training. Our runners were never alone. He was there when three innocent people lost their lives. He was there while other people lost their legs. He was there as every piece of metal hurled itself into unsuscepcting bodies. He was there with each turn of the ambulance wheels racing toward emergency rooms.

He is there now, comforting the families and nursing damaged souls and bodies. He is there now as law enforcement agencies work round the clock to unearth every detail about those responsible. He is the hands and equipment being used to bring healing.

He doesn't wear a bright neon vest or carry a sign, so we can't always see him. But we can always see evidence of him. Just like one season transitioning into another. He is always here. Evil happens, but it is not more powerful than God.

Seeing those determined faces of bystanders and emergency workers affirmed to me that God is good.

Many people were hurt that day, but many more remained safe. Many people who didn't know each other before the marathon are now being helped and prayed for. That is the testimony of God's goodness.

It was supposed to be a fun day that gave participants bragging rights. Instead it became another day we will never forget reminding us that we cannot take anything for granted. It can also become a day that reminds us that God never leaves us, not ever.

What would I tell kids? Aside from limiting their exposure to repeated media images...That help was there in the midst of horror. That God was with every single person and that no one was or is ever alone. In the happy and sad times God is God. God is bigger than evil. Goodness and evil are not equal. Goodness is greater. God did not cause that horror, he rescued it. Just like he rescued us through his Son Jesus Christ.

The Most Important Thing Parents Can Do

A few weeks ago I was on a long drive home and listening to Dr. Laura, my favorite radio shrink. I like to listen to the caller and prescribe advice and see if I match the good doctor. That day I was right and she was partially right.

Dr. Laura asked the listeners to answer this question: "What is the most important thing contributing to a child's life?" Her answer: An in tact family that eats dinner together. My answer: A family that bases their life on God AND spends time together.

Dr. Laura nails it when she prescribes time around the table sharing a meal and having natural conversations. Connecting as a family after spending time apart, fueling our bodies and being affirmed that we matter is bonding. However, if that is all we do to bond, we are missing the foundation. Don't we want our children to know
why we care to be together? Why family is important? Why we desire a certain outcome for their lives?

The dinner table is but a means to invest in our family. There are many methods, but only one main reason. That reason is to ensure our children know who God is and that God has provided a purpose for their lives beyond themselves. If we merely focus on ego-building dinners, our kids will get the mistaken idea that they are the stars of their lives. If we add more than esteem and expose them to God's Word and fun ways to understand him, we will launch well-grounded young adults who will see beyond themselves. That's been my goal as a parent.

What are some ways besides dinner to bond and coach our kids on a faith journey? There are great videos out there that dramatize stories from the Bible that can be played in clips and used as discussion-launchers. A new series that is one of the best I've seen is The Bible, produced by Mark Burnett and Roma Downy. Kids 5 and up can see this in small doses. Another thing to do is to attend dramas or presentations targeting children and bringing Bible teaching to them. One of my favorites is one a colleague of mine presents on the Seder. You could even reenact stories as a family. There are also Bible story books and CDs designed to tell God's story in contemporary language you could listen to or read as a family. Not only that, check out some family Bible trivia games. Volunteering as a family is a huge way for kids to experience personal contributions to others.

Something we do as a part of daily life is to observe what is happening in nature and our community and link it back to God. We also pray for situations we hear and see in the media. I have taught my kids that when we pray for the ambulance we hear, we may be the only person praying for that situation. Several years ago after praying for the sirens near my house, I later learned that one of my best friends had been in a near fatal car accident.

The main thing is to tailor your coaching to your family's style and the personalities and ages of your kids. Keep it fresh, keep it short, keep it constant. Your family is the only team your child will always belong to and loved unconditionally. Celebrate this daily!

Invisible Love

Currently, there is lots of media attention being paid to online relationships – especially ones where it turns out the people have never even met but have fallen deeply in love. These relationships have lasted for years and are real in every way: deep sharing occurs, trust is established, the other is valued, life is celebrated, gifts are exchanged and lives are impacted. All without ever having met.

People are eager and willing to enter into and continue relationships based upon information presented online. They open their lives, hearts and wallets – all without ever having met the other person. (The skeptic in me pictures the person on the other end as some nut living in his grandmother's basement with his PC parked next to the water heater.)

What amazing trust – offered without question sometimes even more quickly than face to face relationships. People investing in these "invisible" relationships confidently defend their actions by declaring it is “love”.

At the core of everyone is a deep need to be loved and cherished. The fact that people would search where there is no complete answer tells us how desperate humans have become. They have completely missed the reason why God created humans in the first place.

This has me thinking about God’s “invisible love”.

What about that? God’s love is not only invisible in today’s economy it is not even valued as much as that invisible love from a keyboard miles away typing into our souls. Why, I wonder, are people so willing to engage in an invisible relationship online rather than develop a real relationship with God through Jesus Christ? Trust is given these online “friends” while real relationships wait on the side lines. And both are equal? In today’s culture I guess so. But not in God’s eyes.

Let’s focus our kids on who is real and investing in their lives. Even though they can’t see God, he is real. Even though they can see the internet icon, faceless “friends” are not real. We’ve got our work cut out for us, haven’t we? Especially with younger kids who are still concrete thinkers.

This is the question parents of today must face. They must know who else is competing for their children’s attention and they must balance that with everyday life. To fail in this is to lose another generation to self-focus and regulate seeking God once again to an option on some life-menu of our own design.

The thing that should shake us to our core is the "menu". When we order, we think we can go back another time and pick something else. We’re fooled into thinking that all choices are equal. They’re not. What we do with our relationship with God is truly more important than anything else. Our kids need to know what that looks like and how much more real that is in their techno-online-CGI-instant world. Just because they cannot see or touch it, does not mean we can not point them to the evidence of how real God is.

This will look different for each child. My prayer is for each parent to find that ah-ha connection where you are able to communicate the real love of a real God to your child. For me, it means I have lots of conversations with God. He loves our kids more than we do, so I’d say we have the best resource available. And we don’t even have to Google him.

Baby "Thrash-Herself-to-Sleep"

When I became a mother for the first time, I was a young woman in awe. In awe of the life I had carried, birthed and would now parent. I marveled at her innocent round cheeks and button nose, and her tiny fingers and toes. Everything about her enthralled me. Every material thing we had acquired to support her new life delighted me. Each onesie was carefully washed and sorted. Her every outfit was thought out with care. I remember feeling so special to be able to have this precious baby in my life, and learning what it meant to share life with her was a treasure of discoveries.

While pregnant, I had refinished a rocking chair and repainted in a glossy white. It was topped with a soft colored pillow set to protect my back and seat where I would no doubt spend countless hours rocking my little lamb to sleep with the gentle night light glowing behind our special chair in her sweet nursery.

Imagine my surprise when it didn’t turn out like that at all! This little lamb had her own idea about what it meant to fall asleep as early as two weeks of age. It didn’t include me. Following the evening bath, feeding, diapers and pajamas, I would wrap her in a receiving blanket, put on soft music and gather her in my arms. My idea was to rock her slowly to sleep and then tip-toe to the crib. Her idea was to go to sleep on her own by wiggling and thrashing about for several minutes before entering baby dreamland. She didn’t want my arms anywhere near her. In fact, she didn’t want me anywhere near her.

It took a few weeks to believe that what I was experiencing was truly what she wanted. It was amazing to see how fast she would put herself to sleep in this fashion. I was left to step backwards out of her room, staring unblinking at that new life in the crib who didn’t agree with my romantic plan for nite-nite time.

Aren't we all guilty of something like this when it comes to what we think it should be or what we want it to be with our children? We have our own mental picture whether it’s based on our own history, baggage – or imagination – and when it doesn't work, we stutter and wonder what to do next. Do we force things to fit our idea? Do we flow? Aren’t we the parents?

We are the parents, but I think we can learn to listen and notice who our children are and what their “style” is. Go with what you learn from them about who they are and what they need individually. One child may need more assurance, another might need more direction. One may be sensitive, one may be wild. No one parenting recipe could possibly cover multiple “styles”.

Even though my baby and I weren't doing bedtime the way I had dreamed about, I knew she knew I loved her as I left her to thrash away. I just had to learn to show my love in an understanding way that honored her needs. This was okay.

It takes some work and prayer, but I believe we can give each of our children the parental love they need in the way they need it. Would you buy an artist skis? Unless they are a skiing artist, you probably wouldn't. Would you expect abstract thinking from a kindergartner? Is it okay if your teenager doesn't want their driver’s license at the same time all their friends do? What if your kid doesn't want to play a sport? We need to learn what excites our kids and where their strengths lie. Find out their dreams and concerns and tailor-make your relationship to suit their personality and goals. And above all, help them to feel secure and loved in their own skin because of exactly who they are.

A really good book that helps parents and grandparents understand different love languages is The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary D. Chapman.

Let's Skip a Few Stages

When our girl was in first grade, she was enthralled with a Mr. Rogers episode that showed how cheese is made in France. For the next 4 years, she would remind us that when she grew up, she wanted to become a cheese maker. Because I believe that kids should figure things out more than they need to be told, I would affirm her intent and ask to be sure she would make some Gouda cheese for me.

Fast forward. This girl is now an adult pursuing a master's degree in advancing impoverished communities in the world, teaching them to be self-sustaining. I probably mangled that definition, but the point is she sifted through her many experiences and dreams and landed on something that dignifies and blesses whole communities.

When our son was in first grade, he told us he wanted to be a Navy Seal. For the next 9 years, he would make occaisional comments about this desire. Remembering the "Cheese Maker" scenario, I absolutely affirmed his desire to be a hero.

A few months ago that (newly-turned-seventeen) son told us that he had something he wanted to talk with us about. He had met a National Guard recruiter at school and wanted to pursue conversations about enlisting as a junior in high school.

Gulp.

A handful of meetings and even more conversations later, he did enlist and has already attended two monthly drills. He will spend most of this summer in Boot Camp.

What?

Suddenly I realized that this child planned to skip some stages in the "growing up cycle". He is seeking out levels of responsibility and challenge far sooner than life would toss his way. While he is attracted to the fact that college costs will be covered by this decision, he sincerely desires to be part of team that helps protect, defend and restore. He is using the next six years as a launching pad for a possible military career.

Although already in college at his age, I barely thought about the future much beyond the next term paper. My highest concern was which outfit I was going to wear the next day, and of course; wondering if I looked fat.

The difference between me then and now and what my children have chosen is huge. I did not have the luxury when growing up to know what it meant for God to love me. I did not know one thing about what it meant to have a personal relationship with him through Jesus Christ - nor did I know that that was the reason God even put humans on earth!

My kids have grown up knowing what I later learned: I didn't want them to experience the void I did. I wanted them to know they could count on God. They got to grow up knowing that God loves them and cares intimately about every detail in their lives and that knowing him truly matters.

Through that, we have all learned to value others. Life is not just about ourselves, it is how we connect with others and their lives - wherever they are - whoever they are.

That being said, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that both my kids are other-focused and see beyond today.

I'm just working through the fact that it happened so fast...

Not My Daughter

The divorce of a major celebrity couple has been at the top of the media radar for the past few weeks. While a celebrity divorce is nothing new, the suggestion that the mother was leaving because of the potential faith influence of her husband is. Now that the little girl is six, mom decided to take action.

I say she is seven years late for two reasons.

1. Before considering marriage the single most important thing a couple must agree on is their faith. They cannot sweep this aside not only because it is at the very core of each one of us, but when children are added to the family this issue is heightened. Sure, you may be able to limp around with varying degrees of disagreement before you create life, but once you become a parent, your responsibility compounds. You are modeling life to an impressionable one created if not physically by you, certainly born in your heart. Both husband and wife must be on the same page spiritually. I will not perform a wedding if the couple is not in agreement because it is the number one recipe for disaster, and I don't want to be part of a disaster that is known up front.

Yes, there are other topics couples must also agree on ahead of time, but if you go bankrupt and don't share a common faith, where is your peace and comfort going to come from? God is the source of all, first and foremost. Then all the other stuff like career, sex, hobbies, hair color.

2. The Barna group conducted a survey a couple of years ago with startling results. I have served on several church staffs since then and no one but me gets really alarmed. Those who know me hear me talk about this survey all the time. The bottom line is that a child's spiritual foundation is formed by the age of 9. The little girl in the picture is 6. That means there are just three more years to help her form her life's framework through which she will filter everything related to God.

This does not mean that our kids can't learn more, for surely they will if we are doing it right. It just means the filter is set. It doesn't mean that kids whose families do not expose them to faith opportunities are forever penalized in the future... but it does mean that there is more work to do. God will help us with that. But what if we all acted like the first 9 years of a child's life were spiritually essential? What would the church look like if together we all placed children as the number one priority?

So, if the mother is leaving to save her child's spiritual life, she has now involved a family split on top of the next three years of spiritual influence. Both parents have their work cut out for them because the courts are not going to get in the middle of what one defines as their faith. (At least not yet.) Now this little girl will be exposed to not only two different life styles like most children of divorce, her young mind that isn't capable of abstract thinking is up for spiritual grabs. I hope that she has many people in her life praying for her heart. She didn't choose what she got into, but her parents sure did.

Oh, to think ahead and teach our children how to see the world through the eyes of what has eternal value and not the fleeting excitement of today.

There's Not Too Many of These Heros Left

Today marks the passing of an American television icon known for family values and programs that entire generations could watch together. I grew up watching the reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and loved the simple story lines that emphasized life's simple experiences. By the end of each episode, somebody had learned something that enhanced their character.

One of my favorite episodes is when young son Opie (who could roam the town each day because it was safe) met a "magic man" with a "shiney hat" who "jingled from the tree tops". When he shared this at family dinner with Pa and Aunt Bea, no one would believe him. For the next few days, Opie continued to meet his friend, the telephone lineman with the metal safety hat and all his tools dangling from his tool belt. Each night, the earnest son tried to share about his new friend with his family. And each night Pa (Andy) became more angry at this outrageous tale. Finally, he sent Opie to his room for lying and was threatening further consequences if he would not confess. But Opie couldn't confess, because he wasn't lying. The show ends when Andy runs into the telephone lineman and is told what a great son he has. He was sick to learn he had been riding his son for days without really listening to him. His earnest apology and young son's wide-eyed forgiveness leaves the audience with something to think about in their own lives.

Another wonderful aspect about the show is that Andy was a strong, involved father. He was not a joke, he was not an idiot. He did his best and like any parent, sometimes made mistakes. He had the love and respect of his son and he was a strong leader. For some, this is as close as they come to seeing what that may look like.

While the show was simple, there were layers to it. A story writer's guideline that isn't followed very well any more is to "show" not "tell". The Andy Griffith Show did an excellent job of showing the audience and not spelling it out for them. This is something we can teach our children when they are learning creative writing.

It's time for me to rent as many seasons as I can find and start watching them with my family. Without commercials, it's 22 minutes of a visual that can be followed up with some gently guided discussion. Especially today when there is such an absence of solid character heroes on television, the up and coming generations need to see that it really does matter who you are from the inside out first.

We'll miss you, Andy. But thank you for your legacy.

Memory Markers

The Bible is full of references to markers that have been put in place so that all who pass by in the future will think about and honor what God had done in that special spot. This is a picture of Jacob's well where Jesus met the infamous "woman at the well". How significant that that encounter took place at such a memory-filled location so important in the Old Testament.

This gets me thinking. What if we do something like that within our own families? What if we mark events or dates and celebrate its wonder as a family? What a way to cement us together as the team you never get traded from!


Here are some things we have either celebrated or know people who have:

- Missing front teeth
- New Year's Eve as a family reviewing the year in pictures
- The First day of school (ice cream?)
- Turning 13 with a purity weekend away spent with a parent
- Learning to ride a bike (or skate, or climb, etc.)
- Learning a new skill (cooking, woodworking, etc.)
- Helping in the community as a family
- Teaching a pet to master a new trick
- Donating outgrown toys
- Starting high school
- Make annual birthday movies adding to them each year
- Paint a family mural
- Start a new family holiday tradition

The ideas are endless. The idea is that as you gather to remember and celebrate, you reinforce your family and pause to reflect on how God has been with you. The more you celebrate, the more opportunities you will have to delight in what God has done - both big and small. Talk about a living legacy!

The Perfect Family

This is a picture of the Cleaver family that I have in my office. I keep it as a reminder for two reasons. 1. Nostalgia - I grew up watching the Leave It To Beaver re-runs after school and there aren't too many moral witnesses today. 2. Nothing is perfect - and many people speak against this 1950's family presentation because everything just looked too good.

Perhaps because I grew up without moral coaching and parents overly focused on what our image would look like to others, I can identify in a skewed way with the "picture perfect" Cleaver family. My family really looked good on the outside. The difference is, in the show, the parents were not living for outside opinion and spent time with their kids --- even when the boys went upstairs and spent a lot of time in their room!

Like the Cleaver boys, I too spent a lot of growing up time in my room, but without that parental investment. Wally and Beaver had their own adventures, but they always focused on home and knew their parents were there with family values. Not just because it's what would look good, but because it was the moral thing to do.

Contrast my early experience and blend it with the Cleavers and you get a picture of my family now. While my family of origin lived for achievement, acquisition and public opinion, my family now lives to love God and others. We do not focus on ourselves nor do we care how we look to others. We do our best and leave it there.

My kids and their friends freely hang out with us and while they do retreat to their rooms, they know they are always invited to join us and that they do. Our focus on what things will look like to others centers around representing God well. We embrace the idea that we are who we are and chuckle that no one will always agree with what we do, look like or say. If our intent is God-focused, then so be it.

We don't have a custom home, name-brand car or a story to tell socially about our latest trip or purchase. No designer furniture or clothes or name-dropping here. In that respect, I am probably a huge disappointment to my parents. Funny thing, along the way I have met a range of people including corporate CEOs, artists, brilliant thinkers and talented leaders and creative ones. The only difference is that none of us exist to impress others and we all have experienced great connections as we value one another.

Gotta love honoring that ol' dignity!

The Blessing

One of the best books for parents I’ve ever read is The Blessing, co-authored by Dr. John Trent and Gary Smalley. It was published in the 1980’s and is still in print today. It is well worth your investment if you have any hurt from your own upbringing that you feel prohibits you from being the best parent you can be with your own children or grands.

This book is based on the Old Testament concept where the parents pass on a special blessing to their children. The blessing is long-awaited and highly valued. In today’s terms I’d call it envisioning a special future and verbalizing that deeply held belief to your child in such a way that they feel your encouragement and love enfolding them.

The premise of the book is that everyone desires and needs a blessing, and answers the painful question of how a parent can give a blessing even if they never received one. It helps the reader see why their parents may have been unable to give a blessing and walks you through a release process. Once the past has been dealt with, the book encourages parents how to communicate and share the blessing with their own children.

Invaluable tool and eye-opening, this book reminds us about how important it is to parent without excuses as much as possible. If we focus on not forgiving our parent’s failings, in some way we will weigh down our children and thus burden them unintentionally.

I can’t recommend this book more highly. Read it! Read it with friends and then talk about it in groups. You won’t be sorry and you will be giving your children a huge gift: a blessing from the bottom of your heart.

www.amazon.com

Lowering the Bar

Did you hear about the Florida school with the poor test scores? They decided to change the grading system so that scores would look better. Talk about lowering the bar! What if they accepted the scores and worked for future improvement with the students?

Sadly, most of our culture seems to cater to a weaker standard rather than have the courage to stand up for excellence. It is okay to be great at something, but today's kids get the message that everyone is equal in every way.

Yes, everyone is equal in the eyes of God. He loves us all the same. Amazing... but that's another blog. However, we are not all equally gifted, and that is not only a fact, it must be accepted by parents and kids. Some are math geniuses or Olympians. Some are scholars or cutting-edge inventors. Some are artists or chefs. Etc...

I believe there is something special that each person can bring to the table, but we are not all equally skilled or talented. (Ask me to run and you'll have a perfect example. Just kindly laugh underneath the paper bag that had better be on your head.)

A "certificate of participation" is a waste of paper, but a certificate underscoring work over and above expectations is valuable. A trophy for everyone? OK in kindergarten. Not keeping score so that everyone feels good? Devaluing. Does everyone get a scholarship or win a Pulitzer?

The sooner we teach our kids the real story in the face of our culture, the better off they will be. Don't you want them to come home and tell you the beautiful certificate in their backpack was given to everyone and to throw it away? I do. I also want my kids to know when they have really excelled.

In a world that is constantly lowering the bar so that "everyone feels special", I am a rebel. Standards should not be on a sliding scale based upon the audience. They should be constant and measurable. I don't want an "A" because I am a tall Norwegian, I want an "A" because I earned it.

It's Called C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R

This week The Barna Group released its top five factors Americans will consider this November when casting their vote for president. I was happy to see that among the various demographic categories (evangelical, mainline, unbelieving) character matters. It's the number two factor right behind where the candidates stand on the issues.

A few weeks ago, a former 2008 presidential candidate's trial began. He is accused of misappropriating campaign funds to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If the prosecutors have their way, he will end up in prison for several decades. The pundits argue that if he had no knowledge of how funds were disbursed, then the fact that the funds were used to keep his adultery a secret doesn't stand up. Being callous toward his ill wife is no one's business, and not a factor in this case. What he does in his personal life is completely separate from his public life.

The answer I yelled at the TV was:"It's called CHARACTER, people!!" Character is not something we put on and take off like a pair of shoes. It's not something we choose to do sometimes and choose not to do at others. Character is intricately entwined with who we are. If we cheat, we cheat. It does not matter where. It means we are a cheater. If we lie, we are liars. If we are only nice in public and horrible to our loved ones in private, we are frauds.

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines character as follows:"The peculiar qualities, impressed by nature or habit on a person, which distinguish him from others; these constitute real character, and the qualities which he is supposed to possess, constitute his estimated character or reputation. Hence we say, a character is not formed, when the person has not acquired stable and distinctive qualities."

Parents have 18 years with their kids. The first 8 to teach and guide, the next 10 to coach and influence. Everything we do models life for them, whether we intend it as an educational moment or not. What do our kids think when they see us litter? Belittle a sales clerk? Scream at another driver? What do our kids think when they see us bringing dinner to someone or volunteering? Our choices matter. Little eyes and big ears are right there 24/7.

Don't you wonder what kind of messages that 2008 candidate got while he was growing up? That certain things are okay if it means you get your way? I wonder what messages his children (all of them) are getting today.

Sorry pundits, it does matter that a husband honors his wife. His wife remained gracious and dignified when this story exploded and in my opinion, died a woman of honor. Now that's character.

Kid Logic

When my girl was about 8, we had just settled down to watch a movie when the FBI warning scrolled across the screen. "Mom, what is that Fibble Warning for, anyway?"

"The what??"

"That - right there," she pointed to the screen. "The Fibble Warning."

I explained that it was an "i" and not an "L". F-B-I. She laughed heartily at herself and I still can't see that logo without remembering when I first heard about the Fibble Warning. In fact, that's all it really is to me now.

As long as she'd been watching videos and movies, she had seen the "warning" and then went on her way coloring, playing or watching not sure what it was for, but certain it must be important because there certainly were a lot of them.

One day a Sunday School Leader was eagerly sharing with a group of about 45 elementary kids that we are all "heirs of the King." Over and over he repeated this important message with the biggest smile. The King is God and we are his heirs! Yippie!! I was sitting in the back enjoying the class time when it occurred to me that the kids might not know what the definition of "heirs" was. I signaled the teacher. He immediately asked the class what they thought "heir" meant.

We heard answers like "Stuff you do wrong" and "Mistakes you make". Nothing even close to the real meaning! For twenty minutes they had seen their leader practically dance with excitement and thought he was excited because we are mistakes!

Of course we fixed that, pronto. But it makes me wonder how many other "definitions" are out there that kids have self-defined and perhaps don't even think about asking for help decoding? In my work with hundreds of kids over the past chunk of years, I venture to say there are a lot more unknown ones out there.

I think it's our job as parents to learn how to think like our kids. Enter in any way we can and be sure their inner dictionaries have the right definitions. Sometimes they will let us know, like the Fibble Warning, and we can explain the reality. Other times we're going to have to ask, like when the Sunday School class thought they should be excited to be "errors of the King."

Tip of the day: Answer a question with a question. "You think that is the Fibble Warning because?" Then you won't sound like an interrogator. And be sure not to have a bright ceiling light on and use your relaxed voice. After all, they didn't do anything wrong - they just didn't understand.

Can Your Kid Ride an Elevator?

The other day I was attending a meeting in a conference room inside a local hospital. I was directed to the Heron Room on the lower level and gestured toward the elevator bank. Once inside, I looked for the button that would represent that floor. Since there wasn't an "L", I tried the "1" because in some buildings I've seen that button mean the lowest level. The doors reopened on my current floor as if to say guess again. My only other option that I saw was a button labeled "-1". Presto! Down I went. When the doors opened after my -1 descent, a large glass sign with a giant "L" greeted me.

This got me thinking. Having developed my abstract-thinking skills I was able to decode the road blocks and get to my destination. It took a few attempts, because things were not laid out as clearly as anticipated. I knew that "lower level" meant below. I knew that sometimes "1" meant lower. When I didn't find a logical button to push, I tried again and hit the jackpot with "-1". Being welcomed with the giant "L" sign merely gave me a chuckle and revealed that the project planning had not included a final meeting with the person ordering the signs and the one installing the elevator.

Look how many steps it took for an adult to ride the elevator. And, how many logical steps had to be by-passed in order for me to achieve my simple objective of arriving in the Heron room on time?

How would a concrete-thinking kid handle all of this? Could you tell your child, "Go down to the L level and I'll meet you there"? What would they do when there wasn't an "L" to choose on the elevator panel?

I think we need to coach our kids in the unexpected "-1" thinking. More than teaching the steps, we need to teach the why behind the steps. This will serve them far better as they navigate the unexpected or possibly an emergency in life.

When our girl was 14, we flew her across country to visit family friends. She had a layover on the return trip and was told the final flight home had been cancelled. Rather than say "oh" and sit down in wonder, she looked the agent in the eyes and said, "I need you to do whatever it takes to get me home tonight." She was polite, had a big smile and arrived home only 3 hours late. Not bad for her first solo flight.

Something tells me that she would've found the -1 button that day, too.

I've Never Been A Facebook Parent Before

So here I am, this seasoned children and family pastor. The one with all the personal life stories because I've mostly been there, done that. That fierce mama-pastor who has loved on hundreds of families over 14 years in ministry...

But, guess what? I've never been a mom in the FB generation. ACK Lately I hear myself say the things I tell other parents not to say. Even worse, I hear myself asking the dreaded "yes/no" questions!!

Just today I yelped out to our son; "So How come you didn't tell us you were F B O??"

His calm answer,"Because I knew you would do this."

Just this morning I was coaching in a parenting workshop I created. They love it and so do I! Bring it home... In my love and parenting of an incredible son, I find I am stumbling and doing all the dorky off-putting things I tell others not to do.

I did not know that when one posts on FB "in relationship" that it isn't bad if the other person isn't named. Or if they don't post back soon. In our son's case, his FBO gal has a problem with her internet but she is in agreement as of this afternoon while I was napping and he was changing his status. As that fierce mama, I just didn't want my boy's heart out there without some level of reciprocation.

Note to self and other parents: Remember, we cannot control after a certain age... but we sure can guide...

Rebuilding Takes Time

Over ten years after America's worst terrorist attack obliterated the World Trade Center, it's descendant, the Freedom Tower has nearly reached it's full height. With just 500 more feet to go, when finished she will soar even higher than her predecessor. Today a column was hoisted in place that already makes this possible.

America has been in the rebuilding business ever since the tragedy was forced upon us. I did not know until today that the new building will stand 1,776 feet high in honor of the year 1776. It is a big deal that America now has one of the top three tallest buildings in the world. It represents our resilience, productivity and leadership. But it's been ten years in the making, and not finished yet.

This is a good example about what it takes to recover and rebuild after a tragedy. We can't snap our fingers and make it go any faster than it does. A minute is a minute is a day is a month is a year. Rebuilding cannot be rushed, as much as we would like it to be.

How many times have we been in something so thick and painful and cried out for it to be over? As a parent, I have held my sick children while they hurt and wished to feel better soon. "Mommie, can you please ask Jesus to make this go away faster?" It is a helpless feeling when we can't fix it, we are also waiting...

Waiting to feel better, waiting not to hurt so much, waiting for that test result, waiting for that job to come through... Waiting for your credit to be restored so you can try to own a home again, waiting on an email or call from a long-lost loved one...

We can rebuild from utter desolation. Each step in our process reminds me of the talent that is building the Freedom Tower. We need the new infrastructure, the engineers, the equipment and the plan. We need the people behind each action item to help us reach our goal. In addition to all of this, we need a realistic view of how long things will take.

Side chuckle: I once had the CEO of the company I worked for jab his finger in my face and demand that I learn an entire software program that evening. This was at 5:00 p.m. The actual learning curve for this program would take 8 weeks of in-depth classes.

So maybe the people we need are bankers or lawyers. Doctors or counselors. Maybe we need a good book or website to encourage or inspire. These people can help us get the "right equipment" so we can rebuild in our area of need.

Just like Freedom Tower, it won't be the same as before, but it can honor what has gone before. And then, there's that new part that introduces hope for the future.

Gotta keep hoping...

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Helping Kids Navigate Big Changes

You could call me the professional relocate-r. I have moved so many times while growing up and as an adult, I know the drill. I know how to research movers, determine which boxes to self-pack and how to pack them, catalog everything and what to do first when we land in our new zip code.

When our son was completing first grade, we were packing up to move half-way across the country. We wanted him to have the least amount of angst as possible. He was not the type to hurl himself into an adventure and thrived on structure and anticipated order, so I knew we needed to be careful. This was a huge change in every way for the entire family.

First, we prepared him in advance. We had family chats, showed him maps and helped him pre-pack some boxes from his bedroom.

Next, I asked his teacher if I could come to school and share a special story. I wrote and illustrated a story using his classmates as characters, and described the big move their friend was about to experience. A bunch of delighted 6-year olds loved the story I read and the snacks I brought along. They loved seeing how I had drawn them and what I had them say.

Finally, I brought a very large T-shirt and fabric markers along. I asked the class, teachers and office staff to sign the shirt.

Our son loved everything about the careful attention, and wore that T-shirt as a sleep shirt for years.

I didn't know we still had it until the other night when I saw this faded example of my mama-love in the laundry. What was once nearly a gown is now pretty much a monkey shirt on our 9-foot son. How sweet that it's still around as a reminder to all of us about a little boy who was surrounded by love and support during the first big transition in his life.

Tattoo Mama

So, the other day I was standing in a Starbucks line behind a pregnant mom with two toddlers in her cart. She got Frappacinos for all three of them, but that's not the point. Her hair was in a ponytail and she had a tattoo on the back of her neck... some word in an elegant cursive font. As she moved away and I stepped closer to the cashier, I could read her tattoo:

Sinful

Funny that when I went to Google an image for this entry, the tattoo on the back of the neck was also labeled something like "tasteful tattoos for girls" who "want to be modest".

It wasn't so modest for me. Now I wonder even more why a mother of young kids would get such a tat when her little back seat riders will one day all to soon will be able to read? What will she say? What will these older sibs tell their new brother or sister about what it means?

Before anyone snarks at me, I am the first to admit that I over-zealously glued pages shut, used white-out to change "objectionable" words in books and read, saw or guarded every single thing before my kids saw it. And, as I tell parents now... I laugh at my extreme concern but still appreciate my intention.

That being said, I just wonder why one would go to the expense (and pain) to have that particular word embedded in their skin forever? And, sorry... it's not that modest because I saw it and I wasn't even looking.

Am I anti-tattoos? I don't think I would get one, but I semi-understand. I just try to avoid all unnecessary pain. My adult daughter designed a beautiful one for her back shoulder. It has about 15 layers of significance, so she gets a pass. Where we live, I notice a lot of grandmothers with something small on their ankles. The ones I really wince at are on the people that get something on their stomachs or chests. As they age, that little worm is gonna droop into a snake!

What I am getting at is that it seems that people who choose to get one or one hundred tattoos ascribe a meaning and a plan for their ink. It is well thought out and an important investment.

I hope this young mother's last name was "Sinful" and that I am wrong for my reaction that anyone would choose a word that has such heavy connotations to wear on a daily basis and have to explain to her babies.

Parents have so much to explain anyway, I am not a fan of adding to our challenges.

Pancake Love

I always wanted lots of children. As a child, I wrote stories that included elaborate illustrations of large families. Each child had a special characteristic and multiple drawings depicting them in action. As an adult, both of my children were hard to conceive and were long-awaited, joyful answers to prayer.

When our girl was ten years old, we were thrilled to learn that I was finally pregnant again. She joined in our excitement anticipating the new addition to our family. Mind you, she had been my one and only, had survived a horror of divorce and death of her birth father, rejoiced later in my marriage and thrilled to be adopted by that good guy. In her ten years, this little girl had already experienced another person's lifetime of loss and hope.

As the pregnancy moved along, we found out the new addition was going to be a little brother. I was beyond myself to realize I was going to be blessed to have "one of each".

Our girl also rejoiced as much as a third grader can. She drew us pictures, eagerly came to doctor appointments and earnestly crafted gifts for her soon-to-be-born brother.

In the midst of all the joy and hope, I sensed that something was going on within her. I truly believe God prompted me to ask her about this one day. I was careful and casual, and I must have done something right because the net take-away was that she wondered how I would be able to love her new baby brother without some of my love for her being subdivided.

We had the best chat! I told her that the love God gives everyone just keeps growing. In order to love someone else, nothing is taken away from those we already love. It's like a pile of pancakes. We already had a pile "this high" but with our new little guy coming along, God would pile it even higher.

That turned out to be just what she needed to hear.