Divorce Dialog

We all know that divorce rates have steadily risen over the past 20 years, and I regularly hear radio shrink Dr. Laura tell callers that a whopping 75% of second marraiges fail. She is a big one to tell divorced parents not to even date until the kids are 18 and "up and out".

Well, I didn't do that. The divorce was final when my girl was 5, I remarried when she was 8. He even adopted her. She's 28 now so do the math.

Going through a divorce with kids is tough because you must remain in contact with that other parent that you no longer wanted a relationship with. The trouble is, you always will have a relationship because that is other parent. It's also the person that at some point you wanted to create a life with. The child should not have to suffer one bit just because of the parents. So the goal is to deal well and partner in your parenting philosophy. That doesn't really happen that often, and it breaks my heart for the children involved.

Are you thinking that I don't know your story or how awful it is for you? In addition to my horror story, I have worked with hundreds of families over the past 15 years. I am a witness for a messy divorce going to trial right now. I think I have a pretty good idea.

With the number of jaw-dropping, heartbreaking stories swirling in my mind, I speak on behalf of the children first. Whether or not a parent is "happy" is not a valid factor in changing where the bedrooms are and how the kids get to school. I'm not even a fan of making sure kids are happy (there are higher concerns - another blog is coming). But keeping kids secure is essential.

They want to know what comes next. When Jon and Kate of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 divorced a few years ago, they left the kids in the house and took turns moving in when it was their custody time. I like that. Why should the kids be the ones to have separate stuff and lug things back and forth? Let the parents pack and unpack instead.

But what about what we say and do when it is our "turn" to have the kids? No matter what the other parent is doing, never never never ever say anything bad about them. Ever. Your kids want to love both of you and if you keep telling them mom is a jerk, they are going to think they have some jerk in them, too. When you deride the other parent, you are condemning your child because they know they came from both of you (adopted or not). I say this all the time: save the venting for your closest friend, your counselor and God. Giving your kids "permission" to love the other parent is one of the greatest things you can do for them.

That does not mean you pretend like the other parent is an angel. You can acknowledge what the kids voice in a way that affirms the situation without adding gas to the fire. Agree that it is sad, tell them you are sorry about what the other parent did and even offer to pray a short prayer.

Example: My ex was supposed to pick up our child for a mid-week scheduled dinner. She got dressed up special and waited. And waited. He never showed, leaving me to hold a sobbing and confused kindergartener in my arms. Oh how I ached for her. Through her tears she asked me why would he do this. "I don't know honey. I'm so sorry he isn't here." Then we prayed that he would think carefully for others and be safe and that God would comfort her.

Example: Your kid comes home and shares all of the bad-mouthing going on about you at the other house. It's real nasty and there is no truth to it. Don't defend yourself. Sit with them and calmly them how sad you are to learn that they had to hear such unkind words. Ask your child what they think. Chances are they will tell you they didn't believe what they had heard. Then pray with your child for protection for their ears, and that the other people would learn to speak nicely and with truth. You  haven't said a nasty thing. You've been comforting and loving. You have lifted the situation to God. You have also taught your young child that they have discernment.

Things were so bad in my situation that I had to teach my daughter a prayer to repeat "in her head" over and over when she was with her dad. It was good to teach her to pray on her own, but the reasons why were disturbing. That prayer was with her when she needed it. When I wasn't right there to know what was going on. She learned to communicate with God without parental prompting.

This comforted me knowing she was being comforted by the ultimate one who loved her more than I fiercely did.

By affirming that our kids have two parents, insisting that they show respect for both and teaching them to look to God, we are equipping them for a life that includes divorce on their resume.  In the process, we learn to look to God more, too.

Same Page Parenting

Those Hallmark Holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be hard on those who have either lost a parent or have a non-parent instead of the one majestically described on the card. It can also be hard if you are the spouse of someone who has disappointed you in their parenting. Perhaps they continue to blow it with your kids and here you are living with that day in and day out. You've said something now and then and even put a book under their nose, but they continue to behave the way they want and now you see your kids getting affected.

So what do you do when you live this kind of life? Where you are reminded of how good things could be when you see how other couples parent together? Why can't your mate get synchronized - don't they care how this affects the future of the kids? Don't they know this is crushing you?

First of all, accept the fact that this is the way it is. Not that you should give up hope, but take a deep breath and step into the reality that this may be the way it always will be. Determine that you are going to go through this as "God's good girl/boy" and do the right things in his eyes for the sake of your children.

In my first marriage, my then husband was a non-existent father to our two-year old. I provided all the care, clothing, food, bathing, activities and safety. Oh we all lived in the same house, he was just gone "at work" all the time. It got so bad that if the three of us did go somewhere together, she directed all her conversation at me because that is what she was used to. Was I bitter? You bet. Sure I wanted him to actually be a father, and I also wanted some help. I was exhausted every night. He wouldn't get home until well past her bedtime, so every routine was ours and ours alone. I finally got the idea to start thanking God that I was the "only" parent. I would thank him at dinner, at the bath tub and at the bedside. I would thank him after she went to sleep and start all over the next day.

At first I was stubbornly thanking God and I really didn't feel all that thankful. So I admitted that, too. But I kept at it. Pretty soon I was enjoying the routines and I wasn't so wiped out anymore. After all, we did have a darling kid who was fun to be with. I was delighted to be a mother. After while I didn't even thank God for being alone anymore because it wasn't foremost on my radar. I had accepted the sad fact and carved out balance as best as I could.

When you accept the situation, you are freed up. Your focus changes and those rough, snappy edges are filed down. You find peace. You can actually go about life without thinking you are crippled or wounded even if you are. You can grow in other ways and be a contributing person in spite of - or even because of - that huge disappointment or loss.

Because of the actual joy I learned to experience while parenting alone in a marriage, when it sadly came to divorce a few years later, we didn't miss him in the house. He hadn't participated in our every day lives or routines so there were no reminders of what daddy used to do that hurt or haunted us. I had already forgiven him for his non-parenting. (Forgiving the rest of what he did isn't just another blog, it's a book!)

My story is kind of extreme, but the acceptance and letting go lessons can apply to less severe situations too. Finally, hold your tongue and resist the urge to school them. You've already tried that and it didn't work. Just continue to parent the way you know best without lecture or comment. So they forget the coats. The kids whining about being cold will teach him more than you fretting. So what if you spot the better parking space? Let them pick and you button it. Do you really want your kids' memories to be that of you nagging?

Kids see the truth. No one needs to tell them. The parent who won't parent with you will reap the consequences later when their teen comes to you to talk and not them. If that parent asks you why, don't answer that question. Gently suggest they go ask your teen instead. So you might be the only parent your kid is close to. One non-nagging, non-bitter parent trying to follow God is better than none. I believe God honors the intent and fervent prayers of these parents.

So now you have accepted and forgiven. Good job! Now you can go enjoy the stability you are providing your kids and continue to pray that the influence they get from your family impacts their lives positively.

Rest in the knowledge that God loves your babies even more than you do and he more than joins you in desiring his best for them.

If they ask you about the other parent, don't disparage them. Refer them to that parent. Example:
"Mama why doesn't Daddy go to church with us?" Answer, "That would be nice, wouldn't it sweetie?""Why do you think so, Mama?" Answer, "You'll have to ask Daddy." Stay calm and neutral. Or as I call it in parenting workshops be "valium girl" - acting far more chill than you really are at the moment.

Save your venting for a close friend and never within earshot of your kids. Remember, they want to love both parents without condemnation. Giving them the freedom to do that is good for their hearts - and their souls.