The Real Missing Piece

One of my favorite children's books is by Shel Silverstein, called The Missing Piece. It's the story of an almost-circle traveling around looking for a pie-shaped wedge that will complete him. 

There are many ways to interpret this analogy, but have you thought about it like this?

Ever heard the saying that there is a space within the soul of every child that only God can fill? While they are young, that space is open and kids are most receptive to learn about him. As they grow, the space shrinks and they lose the innocent trust that was once waiting within. Statistics tell us that the chance of a child developing a faith relationship with Christ reduces by huge percentages by the time they graduate high school. 

In fact, the magic number is closer to nine years of age. Those first nine years lay the foundation for how a child interprets faith the rest of his life. It doesn't mean they can't have a relationship, it just tells us how they will understand it. Statistician George Barna outlines the need for families and churches to value those early years with solid teaching in his book, Raising Spiritual Champions. I recommend that every parent, pastor and Sunday School teacher read this and take heed. Capitalize, if you will, on the openness of those first nine years.

The other day I was working with a six-year-old little boy and his mother. He has several behavioral learning disabilities and is smart as a whip. Because of his behavior, he spent most of kindergarten in the "lockout room" removed from the rest of his class. Now he's in first grade in a special school for "those kind of kids". I work with him on his self-control and encourage him in social skills. He is doing great. He has demonstrated a strong singing voice but when I suggested to his mom that she sign him up for a church kids choir, she shook her head and told me they don't "do church". Back to the other day. He had just completed his  "All About Me Poster" and we were all talking. As we talked, he embellished his poster.

I noticed that he was making what looked like the capital letter "T" (his penmanship is a bit rough) but actually looked more like crosses. Nonchalantly, I tapped his poster and said "what are those?" He paused and soberly looked up at me and said "Those are crosses. Don't you know? The guy who died on the cross?!" He couldn't believe I hadn't heard. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms. God was at work in this little guy's heart and he was taking in whatever he could get. This little fellow just needs his missing piece.

Casually, I told the mom about my theory of the missing piece and this time she listened. She wanted to go to a "cool church" so I told her just the one to try that is for people who "don't do church". There's even a slide in the kids area. Guess what? She was intrigued!

Every child has a place within just waiting to be filled by Christ. As parents, it is our primary responsibility to see that it is. Smart churches have the staff and programming in place not only to teach the kids, but coach the parents, too. I cannot count how many parents have told me they feel inadequate to teach their children about God. My response is always the same. "Perfect!"

Say what?! That's just where God wants each of us. Open and teachable. That's why churches exist - to equip us on our journeys - so that we in turn can impact others. Learn right along with your kids if you are new to all of this - that's what many parents I've worked with have done. A lot of them sign up to help in a Sunday School class because they are learning as they prepare as well as when they spend time with the kids. If you have never stepped inside a kids class on a Sunday, try it. You will be amazed at what they say and what they ask. At every age.

The point is to be intentional with the spiritual teaching your children are getting. They need to know what it means that God loves them and how it came to be that they can have a relationship with him because of his son Jesus Christ. It is the most important teaching they will ever get and it is on-going. The sooner they begin learning this, the stronger they will be as they navigate the challenges of growing up. A good church can help you guide your child to find her "missing piece" and help you help them grow.

More Than One Hour Each Week

167 hours. Minus the one hour on Sunday when your kid might be in Sunday School, that's what you've got at home each week to influence your child for God. Subtracting five 8-hour school days, you're left with 127. Hopefully they sleep at least 8 hours each night, so that puts you at 87 hours. Not bad.

1 vs. 87.

If we rely only on that one hour at church each weekend to deeply impact our children, we're fooling ourselves.

Most kids are in public school and endure forty hours of influence. They are learning more than what is taught by the teacher and developing filters and assessments they wouldn't even think to articulate. They just think it is a part of going to school and doing life.

So what do we do?

We find ways to weave God's truth into everyday lives in everyday moments. We ask God to make us aware and alert, something every ancient Hebrew family knew by heart:

"Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, The Lord alone. And you must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

Aiming to teach our kids that God loves us is our highest calling. Placing enough information and experience in their lives so that they decide for themselves to follow God is more important than dance lessons and soccer teams. They can always do that, but their hearts won't always be open and we can't recapture those natural, teachable moments to show our kids the power and awe and truth of God.

Not a Bible scholar? No problem. Neither were those Hebrew parents. They just taught a few verses over and over! Now we have all kinds of resources to equip us, starting with the Bible. Be assured that when Jesus said "let the little children come to me" he wasn't only talking about kids. Admit what you don't know and try your best, God always honors that. And bit by bit, you will be surprised at what you have learned and shared. A friend of mine didn't think she knew enough, either but her desire was to train her young girls. Guess what? She lead them both to accept Christ. That nervous mom trusted God to make her words make sense. Today she confidently continues to share God's truth and is growing with her kids. God loves your children more than you do, remember that.

So what are some simple teachable moments?
- Looking at the stars, tell the story of God's promise to Abraham
- Driving in the car, notice other drivers' behavior and pray for them
- Teach them to pray every time they ride their bike or use scissors
- Start and end the day with short, simple prayers
- Pray aloud for every siren you hear, for the people who need help, for safety
- Notice the details in the changing seasons and share how God has ordered the world
- When coloring, comment on the name of the color and how God made the colors
- Create a "thankful jar" and collect notes for a month, then read as a family
- While listening to the news, pause the radio or TV and pray for what is going on
- Hold the door for others, put trash in public waste cans
- Enjoy pictures of unusal creatures and talk about how God made them all - He made us!
- When correcting wrong behaviour, let them know they also need to apologize to God
- Let them see you honoring their other parent

All of these ideas are what I call "by the way" acts. You were already doing it or going there, so why not just add a sentence or a phrase about God? I like to listen to the Dr. Laura radio program in the car and I can't tell you how many great chats her calls have inspired between me and my kids. None of this requires an extra bit of schedule, just a bit of effort to stop and call attention to God in our everyday lives. Pretty soon it will be a habit and before you know it, you will have added years of meaningful influence to your child's growing soul.

Then, that one hour on Sunday is adding to the foundation you have already laid and you can partner with your children's ministry team for even greater impact.

How to Drop Off Your Child in Sunday School

I spend a lot of time in Starbucks when I am lucky. It doesn't matter what city I am in, if there is a Starbucks with seating, customers all enter the store the same way.

We have our backpack/laptop slung over one shoulder and pull the big silver bar handle open. As we step inside, we do two things. First we quickly scan the store to appraise the layout. Second, in the same glance we are also noting where we would like to sit. The seating is very important, because if all options are full we will merely stride to the counter and order. If we can see a place to park and unpack, we may even deposit our bag there en route to the counter. This manouver is particularly important in larger cities. Sometimes you even have to stand for awhile if you are determined to sit down and get some work done.

Kids do the same thing when they enter a classroom or group setting, they just don't have a laptop over their shoulder.

They stand at the entrance and wonder who is going to welcome them and if there is a comforting and secure place for them to settle in for a period of time. Depending on what they see and how they perceive it makes the difference between a positive experience and possible return.

This is essential for Sunday School classes. There must be a welcoming person at the doorway who makes eye contact and specifically welcomes little Tabitha. As she enters the room, she needs to know what is going to happen next and what is expected of her. Where should she sit or stand? What should she do? What is acceptable behaivor in this venue? If Tabitha doesn't pick up on these answers within the first 30 seconds, she is going to turn and draw into her parent's leg and whisper that she doesn't want to stay.

Kids and parents should enter the room seeing a variety of upbeat activities that give children a chance to settle in and absorb their surroundings. There should be generic floor or table games, something to do with their hands (play-doh, color), something to create with others (Jenga, marble mazes, magnets) and something to encourage conversation. Youth and adult leaders should be weaving their way around the room greeting children, introducing themselves and children to one another. Upbeat music should be playing in the background.

When it is time to start the lesson, the music should dim and the leader should step up and welcome everyone. By asking who is a first time friend, the rest of the group can say hello. By asking who has a birthday, the rest of the group gets a chance to celebrate a big deal. The leader should also give a brief outline of what will take place that hour. Kids need to know what to expect even if it is the same format and group each week. It also doesn't hurt to remind the group of a key rule (listening when leaders speak, walking vs. running, etc.).

Using this format, I have seen even the most tense kindergartner in a room with kids as old as 6th grade settle in and enjoy the experience. Parents need to be assuring and upbeat when signing in the child, and the teaching team needs to remember each child is trying to figure out if they belong.

Tip: Parents and grandparents should be prepared to nonchallantly stay with their younger children the first few times they are coming to a class that is new for them. If the parents stay, they need to model full and enthusiastic participation. By the time their child is ready to stay alone, they will remember that Dad did this too and feel more confident. When determining whether or not to stay, do not ask your child. Just observe the room and based on what you know about your child, make it casual. Same thing goes when you leave them.

You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen a parent bend down to a big-eyed child and say, "Now Isaac, Mommy is going to go into big church and you need to stay here and have fun, okay? I am leaving now. It won't be for long." ACK! All that did was amp up any caution on Isaac's part and he's ready for terror. Here's another one I see often: "You need to stay. No, you can't come with me. Now stay here. Go play. No, you stay! I told you to stay now stop it." These words are usually hissed as the parent is just about shaking their cling-on off their leg.

A top-notch teaching team knows some of these struggles and is on hand to distract and engage your child as you sign them in. "Janey, we are going to make our own hats today." You smile and say how cool that sounds and smile over your shoulder as you glide down the hall.

If that works, whatever you do when you pick your child up, do not say "now that wasn't so bad was it? Would you like to do that again?" ACK again. Simply ask what they did, affirm their experience and move on. Do this as you are picking up take-home items and putting on a coat. Don't stand there as if this is a lecture. You might say something about how glad you are that they had self control or were a good participant, but words are not always necessary. Seeing a parent calmly value their capabilities speaks volumes.