The Kitchen is Closed

When my daughter was in third grade, we went out to dinner at the local burger joint along with a neighbor and her third and first grade sons. We each ordered for ourselves and kids and waited at the counter for our trays of burgers and fries to be ready. I remember that the mother had some coaching to do with the first grade son, but didn't think too much about it.

That is, until we sat down in our booth and began unwrapping our burgers. Much to the first grade son's disappointment, the burger he unwrapped was not the child-size one he had ordered. It was the regular size burger with exactly the same condiments and cheese requested. He began to pout loudly and whine to his mother.

My girl and I exchanged glances, uncertain what the problem was because he got what he wanted - just a little bigger. He could eat a little less and be fine. No big deal, right? Wrong. He continued to whimper and his mother continued to coddle him until she appologetically went back to the counter and ordered him a new, smaller burger. She had a big smile that she had pleased her son, and he happily bit into his perfect burger.

I thought she had just taught her sons that they can have whatever they wanted and cringed for their future wives who would have to live up to high expectations.

Over the years I have met many a parent who has catered to her child's eating whims. They have gone so far as to create separate meals in order to get them to eat. As they explain their predicament to me, they shrug as if they are powerless and continue to outline the lengths they have gone to get something edible down the throat of their child.

Perhaps because I was once just such a finicky eater (PBJs every day for a year) I determined not to to bring another such person into the world.

So in my grown-up house, we serve the same dinner to everyone. That is the food available for the meal, period. You can't turn your nose up to what has been prepared and go make macaroni. You can, however, have a bowl of cereal later if you ate dinner and are still hungry. I have encouraged our kids to at least taste something new, and if they really do hate it, we don't force it. After all, I don't like beets, either.

We also got the kids cooking at an early age so they could see what went into a meal. By the time they were in early elementary grades, they would shop with me for the ingredients and work on each step of the meal with some help. There is no magic fairy in our house. The  phrase "the kitchen is closed" was implemented to keep late-nite snackers from messing up or a kid who refused dinner to try and wheedle food out of us later on . Usually we would add the time the kitchen was closed to this pronouncement. We'd say it calmly, brightly adding that "breakfast will be served at 8:00."

A huge influence on my philosophy of meal time magic comes from Dr. Kevin Leman, renowned parenting expert and psychologist for over 30 years. (Check out all his books on Amazon! They are fun reading with practical applications.) In one of his books, he shares this suggestion he gave a mom with a fussy kid who didn't like spaghetti - the rest of the family's favorite meal. Dr. Leman told the mom to make that spaghetti and set the table for everyone except the whiner, then call the family for dinner. They calmly begin serving and eating the meal. The whiner came in the room and wondered why there wasn't a plate for him, and the mom cheerfully told him, "well honey, you don't like spaghetti." The stunned kid wandered over to the kitchen counter, lifted the lid on the sauce pot and said, "well, I could eat this spaghetti." He never complained again. And yes, he even ate spaghetti.

My absolute favorite Dr. Leman story is the one where the whiney eater - sitting at the table - looks at his plate and whimpers that he doesn't like this stuff. The parent cheerfully says ""okay", stands up and takes his plate to the sink where he dumped the entire contents. They calmly return to the dinner table and continue eating. The astonished kid asks what happened. Their cheerful reply, "You said you didn't like it. Breakfast will be at 8:00. You are excused." That kid  never complained again, either. I only had to do this once. It works. The key is you being cool, calm and unruffled.

If you haven't guessed by now, my favorite way of parenting involves reality - not lecturing, not reminding. At first you will have to work at acting calmer than you really are. But very soon, if you are committed and consistent, you will realize you really are.

P.S.  You can modify these ideas for older kids who don't show up on time at the dinner table. Breakfast is at 8:00.

Bon Appetit!

P.S. I Told You So

There is nothing that can get the fur on the back of my neck to rise like hearing a parent, teacher or anyone in charge of a child tell them "I told you that would happen if you did that. Now look, you'll_________ (fill in the blank)." Way to destroy a relationship and teach a child to need your input on every life decision. Not a way to teach responsibility or confidence.

One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is based upon the reality discipline principles of Dr. Kevin Leman. I have read and used his materials for over twenty years and I can attest to the fact that his stuff really works..that is, if you follow it. It's as easy as zipping lips. If you are like me, that will be hard at first but well worth your effort.

Reality discipline lets the real world do the teaching and the childen experience the natural consequences. If things go well, they have another notch in their belt of self development. If they don't listen and mess up, wonderful! If you handle the mess-up well, they will learn even more.

A simple example for younger kids: It's cold outside and you are getting ready to go. You calmly tell Tommy that it's cold and he should grab his jacket. (Neutral, non-lecturing tone) You are certain he hears you, but he does not comply. He thinks it is just fine out. Rather than cajole him, simply say it's cold and lead the way out to the car. Go where you were going. If Tommy complains that he is cold, shrug and say "yeah, I'd be cold too without my jacket". Keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Do not engage in discussion, reminding, or dialog. If he brings it up again, say "Bummer!" You stay neutral and pleasant. Resist the urge when you arrive home to bring up the jacket or tell him he should have listened to you because he got cold. Drop it. Next time you gently suggest a jacket, bet he'll get it if indeed he was cold.

Teenage example: Daughter Sally is going on a youth retreat and you have already taught her how to pack. Youth leaders provide a packing list for the kids, so this is between the two of them. All I would say is "Sally, the retreat is coming up in a couple of days, did you get the packing list?" If she says yes, I would be sure she knew where to find things that might be stored away like sleeping bags and duffle bags, otherwise that would be the end of it. About an hour before we leave to meet the group I would ask her if she packed what she needed from the list. If she says yes, I would smile and say we'll be leaving at 4:00. End of story.

If she comes home and said she forgot her shorts or another pair of shoes or whatever, I would agree with her that it was a bummer and ask what she did with those wet shoes. That's it. No lecture. No saying "Bet you wish you would have double checked." Just join her in her moment. Next time, she will double check more completely. If you communicate her "failure" you have not only taught her that she needs you more than she really does, you have alienated a part of her. The part that you will wonder about in ten years when she doesn't like to come over and hang out as much as she does as her in-laws.

I could go on and on with reality examples because I've experienced them personally as well as alongside many other families in my years coaching parents. What's the verse that tells us to watch out for our tongues?

Zip it. We can't take back the words, the tone or the meaning.

Neutral tones like Switzerland keeps the communication open...

Tears For Their Choices

Have you ever cried about the choices your child has made? When they are little, it can be when they hit another kid, were rude to an adult or stole from the grocery store. (Both mine were guilty of this before age 4.)

That’s not what I’m talking about today. I’m talking beyond the snotty junior high friend, the rebellious attitude that lasted semesters, and family disrespect.

I’m talking about the reality that your legal adult has appeared to let all your earnest teaching roll off their back like a duck. Everything you have sacrificed and done appears to make no difference in their life choices. Now it truly matters who they befriend and what they put into their minds and bodies and they are doing most of it where you can’t see, much less supervise.

It’s like your hands are tied as you silently scream in horror that the baby you once held in your arms and so carefully parented all this time is disappearing into someone you do not recognize… much less approve of… or even like.

Why don’t they seem to care about their family? Why do their friends plan for college or get jobs and your child is content with part time success? Don’t they notice the glaring gap between NASA and McDonalds? And bleep-it why don’t they see how good they’ve had it and how much they are turning away from?

Certain milestones should be occasions for celebration, but the balloons might look slightly deflated depending on what it took emotionally for you pull that off.

If this resonates with you, you probably know more than most parents how precious and fleeting your years of influence truly are. And, just because all the other kids look like they are following a decent life plan doesn’t mean they will continue, or even know what they are doing. It just looks good and more importantly, it just isn’t what your child is choosing.

Right now I am aching for a family who is launching their young adult into his first apartment – and not for happy reasons. Their child crossed the final line and was told to live somewhere else. I applaud their tough decision – way more difficult that selling a car out from under them! These parents honored their rules and words, and loved their kid enough to be firm in a big way.

I believe one day he will come to appreciate their care and investment, and respect them. I have seen others who tumble into adulthood and shake all the wrinkles out a few years later. I pray that this is another one like that, and in the meantime – that the parents have peace.

My Goal is NOT to Have Happy Kids

What??!

Seriously, I really don't care if my kids are "happy". In fact there is not one thing I have done with the intention to "make them happy."

Camps, sports, movies, concerts, gifts, trips, haircuts, laundry... none of this has ever been done to make my children happy. Everything I have done and continue to do has been to create experiences or provide care so that they can continue to develop their own personalities. When boundaries have been necessary to implement (aka consequences), their "happiness" was not an issue. The issue was to provide guidelines so that our kids would bump their noses into things and learn from experience.

If I lived to make my kids happy, I would be chasing my tail and attempting to please them. Even ask their permission! I have personal experience with parents asking their children if they really wanted to go to their grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. Or, how about this one: bailing their kid out of jail for drunken driving and not being disappointed! (More on this in a dedicated blog later.)

Do we really need to see a smile every second of every day? Does a smile signify happiness, anyway? Wouldn't it be more significant to provide loving guidance and patiently delivered consequences as our kids grow? And... shouldn't our kids learn how true "happiness" is an internal choice after all? And... for sure that their moods do not control the family vibe?

Today in the church toddler room, a sweetheart was sobbing for her parents. She was just 23 months old. We let kids cry for 10 minutes before getting a parent, and she was on minute 7. It was time to read the story to the class and she was still crying. I said "Honey, we are going to listen to the story right now, so we need you to stop crying. When the story is over, you can go back to crying if you like, but right now it is story time." She paused, walked over and listened to the story and never did resume her crying.

Did I care that she was happy? No. Did I care that she could comfort herself? Yes. I am so glad we did not reach the 10 minute rule because she was not "happy" based on our responses. She began to learn that her mood was managed from within, while being kept safe by encouraging adults.

"You Need to Clean Your Room"

If you are like me, when your baby is born you color-coordinate, style and arrange every detail in their room. You spend hours evaluating the shade of a possible color purchase and make sure that everything is model-home appealing. Right down to placing great-aunt so & so's tea cups on a shelf. Toys are not set on shelves, they are displayed as if ready to be photographed. Everything looks wonderful!

Yep, that works for a few years...

Until you listen to your kids' ideas and they begin to express themselves, not merely echo your direction.

I'm glad the room in this picture was not a permanent fixture in our home until our girl was in 10th grade. Before that, she had maintained our standards of cleanliness with much angst on all our parts. I had read parenting books, listened to talk radio gurus and friends. All had their opinion regarding how a child's room should be kept.

There was the "you do not go anywhere until your room is cleaned up by noon on Saturday" philosophy. That's when I used to wake up early and leave the house - and my husband - to monitor her cleaning process. It was agony before, during and after and we got a clean room for the afternoon.

There was the "you don't get a door on your room because it is such a slop pile" philosophy. We removed the door to her room and thought that would do it. After all, she had a toddler brother who would now have access to her treasures, including her beloved American Girl dolls. This did not do it, either.

There were many more attempts at "encouraging" room maintenance well before 10th grade. Her allowance was even tied into room condition, but that's another topic. We did sticker charts, laminated signs and white glove inspections to no avail.

So... when I took this picture, I was smiling. Clean clothes were blended with dirty ones strewn all over the floor. Dresser drawers and closet doors were ajar. Clutter and water bottles (not shown) were everywhere. And why make the bed? It certainly was not a room I could find solitude in, much less fall asleep. But guess who comfortably plopped on her messy bed, kicked off a towel or other item and snuggled up to do her homework?

Why could I smile? I had finally stopped listening to other people's "should list" and relaxed my colon. So what if my girl kept her room so messy? That was our only issue with her. If a crappy room was the worst thing she did, so be it. I decided to save my nagging breath in spite of frowns from friends, some of whom did not even have children. We discovered this new magical rule called "keep your door shut". It worked perfectly! We didn't see it and the rest of the house was "Zen". A small price to pay for a kid who grew up to be a great woman who manages her own life, huh?

The Buzz About the Shot Up Laptop

If you are a YouTube fan, you might have already seen the viral video with frustrated father Tommy in his cowboy hat ranting about his ungrateful 15-year old daughter. He ends up dumping 8 hollow point bullets into her laptop to prove his point.

Dr. Laura replayed the audio of his video the other day, then read only the supportive comments. Our Youth Pastor sent out the link plus Tommy's own follow up prior to that. I read parent comments on Tommy's video and commented on the parent page at our church. I LOVE that a dad taking a stand is generating so much buzz! We need more dads who do this - forget about the cigarette or the gun or even the anger. Go dads who stand up!

I sent Tommy a comment (that I doubt he will get to read because he now has so much to peruse online) that I respected him taking a stand, but thought there could be a better way... the reality discipline way. After watching his video, I felt sure that after shooting up his girl's laptop, he would remind her day after day that she used to have a laptop, and had she not been so ungrateful, she still would have one and now she will just have to wait til age 18 to buy her own.

Hey, I am all for kids experiencing the consequence of their behavior and having to endure the waiting period to repurchase a "lost item" or privilege, but I vote NO on reminding them about their losses. Zipping parental lips is the hardest thing to do, and I ought to know, I use 39,000 words/day!

The reality discipline way to do things is to do them, but do them as if you are on valium. The key words are as if.I told Tommy that I might have shot up the laptop (or wanted to), but not let my kid see that part. Surely I agree that it is gone. I would just tell them it was gone because of __________, period. When they have a job and can buy a new one, great.

There is nothing like that agreeable shrug. "Yeah, I would wish I still had a laptop, too." Compare that with, "See?! Now you don't have that laptop anymore!! See?! See???"

Which response would impact a teen for the better?

What is the goal of removing the laptop, anyway? If it is to teach a lesson, then I say remove it by selling it and letting someone else gain the benefit of the new software. The kid can still experience the loss and won't see a dad out on a limb... A limb any parent can certainly understand.

The more I look at and experience parenting scenarios (aka opportunities) the more I believe it is about the less we say.

Remember that adage? Actions speak louder than words. Hey fellow parents, let's let 'em!

Gap Parenting 101

“Mom!! He spit his toothpaste on my curling iron!!!” Screamed my 14-year old daughter from the kids’ Loo.

“Well Honey,” I calmly called back from the kitchen, “If you didn’t leave it in the sink your brother probably wouldn’t do that.”

Parenting a literal four-year-old who sees a sink as a sink regardless of what’s in it along with a scattered teenage daughter with her hormones emerging is a joy to look back on. That’s because the scenarios like the one described occurred regularly. I worked hard to hold a “valium face” so the kids wouldn’t know they got to me. (Truth be told, I felt badgered and outnumbered unless my husband was home.)

I’m sure my daughter would tell you she knew they got to me even then, but her brother now 16 reminisced about when his sister was his current age. She would “wool him up” to the point where they were pouncing, smacking, and screeching at stroke-inducing decibels. Their “20 minutes of fun” equated to an hour and a half of cool-down time before the house returned to Zen. I used to try and interrupt this daily exhibit, and all it did was get me further up the stammering and shaking barometer.

How could they both act like 3 year olds? How should I respond?

Finally one day it hit me. My daughter had Red Cross training. Even though it looked like it, she truly wouldn’t kill her brother. Let her experience the consequences of wooling up an ADHD kid and just leave.

So, once their gig started I would take my purse and head for the coffee shop. I drove off to get my decaf mocha and let them work it all out.

Net result: Mommie wasn’t rattled anymore cuz she didn’t have to watch or participate in the scene. Bonus: Mommie got her mocha!

The kids lost their audience.

Wonder of all, the house was quiet when Mommie got home within the hour. They wooled each other up a lot less once I started going out for so much coffee. Pretty soon, I didn’t even have to go for a mocha as an escape and could even take my tigers along...

The Hardest Disciplinary Decision We Ever Made

When our daughter was 17, we told her she could have the family van with its 119,000 miles to drive. She shuddered at the thought of driving the van, so we told her she could have the value of it if we could get it sold. The value we got wasn’t enough to buy her beloved dream car – a BMW as old as she was that cost a few thousand more.

She begged and begged to purchase that car. We made her do all kinds of research to learn how much maintenance and upkeep would be. She stated she understood but still pleaded with us to at least go look. Her father took her to see the car, and it was in excellent condition. We agreed to take out a loan for the difference between the cost of the van and the purchase of the BMW. The conditions were that she must pay us $200 per month to cover the loan and the car insurance. She would pay for her own gas, oil, tabs and any maintenance.

For the first few months she was pretty much on time with payments. Then she’d slide by a week or so and we’d give her grace. Then she was a month behind. “I just didn’t get that many hours at work.” We gave her grace again, but told her that was it. In the real world they come and take your car away after three months. She nodded and caught up partially. Then came two more months of missed payments.

Selling her car was such a hard thing to do! It was a beautiful vehicle and having her drive herself everywhere she needed to go was much more convenient for us. In fact, losing her car put an additional three hours of driving on me per day. Friends told me we were nuts – we should just let her drive to school so we would not be so inconvenienced. Not a chance, I told them. I’d rather be inconvenienced so that she could experience the reality of her actions and the reality of our word so that she would become a productive adult. The friends shook their heads at me.

I use this story in every parenting workshop I conduct to encourage parents not to be afraid to take a stand and mean it. Yes it may be hard on us for a time, but the life lesson is well worth an inconvenience. Many parents gasp when they hear what we did and have a look on their faces that says we were too extreme.

The proof is in the results. My daughter is now an adult and tells me that losing her car was the best thing that could have happened to her and that she is so glad we took it away from her. Yes it was worth the extra year in traffic! I’ve got a “big girl” who stands on her own responsible feet and understands the decisions we made were for her good.

"Reality Discipline"

This is what has defined my parenting philosophy ever since I read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. When my daughter was nearly four years old, I was wandering the aisles in a book store when the title jumped out at me. "That's what I need to know", I mumbled to myself. I finished the book that afternoon.

That was 22 years ago. Not only does the message work, not only have I personally applied this approach to my own children, as a children and family pastor I have taught and shared on this with literally hundreds and hundreds of families across the country. This stuff works!

Perhaps I should ask Dr. Leman for a sales commission?

Here's the summary about what reality discipline is all about: you let life lessons and experiences teach your children while they are still at home under your loving authority. Parents should not hover (helicopter parents), rule autocratically (authoritarian parents) but in a loving relationship guide and direct (authoritative).

"Because I said so" does not teach. Trying to befriend a child does not teach. Hovering does not teach. Okay, yes they do, they "teach" fear, dependence and rebellion. If a parent desires kids who become self-sustaining adults who contribute to society, they need to decide that early on and act appropriately.

In the "reality" scenario, parents make sure the task is known but they do not lecture or berate. They calmly allow life to teach. They do not allow the greater need to usurp the need to teach their children how to act properly. Your momentary inconvenience may be a life-lesson for your developing child.

Example:
Dinner is ready. Call the children to the table once. Begin eating. Anyone who comes late misses dinner. Parents calmly say "Dinner began at 6:00. That's when we eat. Breakfast is at 8:00." No food is available for the tardy kid. No further discussion about the missed meal. Oh, perhaps if the child says they are hungry, the parent could agree. "I bet you are!" But no lectures, no reminding. They won't starve.

Example:
Kids know to put bikes and skateboards away, but they don't do it. One father I know took all three of sons bikes and scooters and donated them to Goodwill. When his boys asked what happened, he calmly told them they had not cared for these items, so they are now gone. (They can save up and buy their own replacements or live without, but Dad does not spell that out, he keeps calm.)

Example:
Mom is 95% done grocery shopping with her toddler. The cart is overflowing with all the needed items. Toddler begins a screaming fit complete with back-arching. Everyone in the store can either hear or see this display. Mom should not stand for this. She should calmly steer the cart to the customer service desk and ask them to hold her items, stating that her child is not acting appropriately in public. She should leave the store, place little screamer in his carseat saying they could not finish shopping. Drive home and time out. Go get the groceries later, or ask Dad to pick up on the way home. Make a point of telling Toddler the next time that they cannot come along because of how they acted. Maybe the next time.

Example:
It's cold. Parents suggest their child wears a coat. Child refuses. Parents do not continue discussion and continue out to the car, on the way to the destination. When the child whines that they are cold, parents simply say "I would be too" or "I bet you are." But nothing else. No lecturing. Repeat if necessary. Do not offer to find a way to keep them warm. Remain calm, talk to others. The next time, your child will remember their coat.

One More Example in This Blog:
Your child forgets their lunch and texts or calls from school. If you want a dependent child who does not grow up responsibly, abandon your coffee date with your friend, leave your office rush to a Subway to get that nutrition to the school in time for that 20 minute lunch window. If you want your child to learn how to be responsible, text back "Bummer". You can agree that it is frustrating when that happens, but if you don't fix it, you will be doing them a huge favor.

There is so much to be said about this topic, I will share more thoughts and examples in later blogs.

Oh, and by the way... the only Example I did not do was to sell the bikes...

Cajoling Parents

One day when I was a Starbucks barista, I was making drinks as usual for customers. A couple with a daughter about age four each ordered a drink for themselves. I rang them up and began making their two drinks. A barista is charged with completing the entire transaction in under 3 minutes.

The entire time I was “cooking”, their daughter was whimpering over and over and over, “I want a hot chocolate. I want a hot chocolate.”

Four times that little girl whined for her hot chocolate, and each time her perturbed parents snapped “no”.

As I finished their drinks, I glanced above the espresso machine and saw the mother with her hands on the little girl’s shoulders bent over, whispering firmly in her ear the way parents do in public when they want to silence embarrassing kid behavior. The whining silenced.

Once I placed the parents’ completed drinks on the hand-off bar, the mother got back in line and ordered a kids hot chocolate.

Sadly, they had caved in after threatening and warning over and over times four.

What message did that send to the little girl who finally got her way?

Kids need consistency. They need to know that “yes” means yes and “no” means no. To reward such manipulative behavior disregards a child’s basic security need to know and learn limits. Parenting isn’t about pleasing kids, it’s about nurturing kids who know how to roll with life’s challenges.

Had the parents merely said in a level tone (without any inflection), “No cocoa today Lullabelle” and turned away, focusing on their adult conversation, the whining would have diminished. The parents would have held a loving, authoritative hand. Coddling their child completely missed the mark of parenting authentically with the goal of raising an a contributing, self-sustaining adult one day.

Instead, they’ve nurtured an on-going project: a person who needs others to affirm her or she won’t “feel happy.”

EEE GAD!

The glorious look of success on the girl’s face as I gave her the drink said it all. The parents thought they’d diminished a fit, their girl knew differently.

For more on what is called "reality discipline", check out Dr. Kevin Leman's best selling book: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.