Same Page Parenting

Those Hallmark Holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be hard on those who have either lost a parent or have a non-parent instead of the one majestically described on the card. It can also be hard if you are the spouse of someone who has disappointed you in their parenting. Perhaps they continue to blow it with your kids and here you are living with that day in and day out. You've said something now and then and even put a book under their nose, but they continue to behave the way they want and now you see your kids getting affected.

So what do you do when you live this kind of life? Where you are reminded of how good things could be when you see how other couples parent together? Why can't your mate get synchronized - don't they care how this affects the future of the kids? Don't they know this is crushing you?

First of all, accept the fact that this is the way it is. Not that you should give up hope, but take a deep breath and step into the reality that this may be the way it always will be. Determine that you are going to go through this as "God's good girl/boy" and do the right things in his eyes for the sake of your children.

In my first marriage, my then husband was a non-existent father to our two-year old. I provided all the care, clothing, food, bathing, activities and safety. Oh we all lived in the same house, he was just gone "at work" all the time. It got so bad that if the three of us did go somewhere together, she directed all her conversation at me because that is what she was used to. Was I bitter? You bet. Sure I wanted him to actually be a father, and I also wanted some help. I was exhausted every night. He wouldn't get home until well past her bedtime, so every routine was ours and ours alone. I finally got the idea to start thanking God that I was the "only" parent. I would thank him at dinner, at the bath tub and at the bedside. I would thank him after she went to sleep and start all over the next day.

At first I was stubbornly thanking God and I really didn't feel all that thankful. So I admitted that, too. But I kept at it. Pretty soon I was enjoying the routines and I wasn't so wiped out anymore. After all, we did have a darling kid who was fun to be with. I was delighted to be a mother. After while I didn't even thank God for being alone anymore because it wasn't foremost on my radar. I had accepted the sad fact and carved out balance as best as I could.

When you accept the situation, you are freed up. Your focus changes and those rough, snappy edges are filed down. You find peace. You can actually go about life without thinking you are crippled or wounded even if you are. You can grow in other ways and be a contributing person in spite of - or even because of - that huge disappointment or loss.

Because of the actual joy I learned to experience while parenting alone in a marriage, when it sadly came to divorce a few years later, we didn't miss him in the house. He hadn't participated in our every day lives or routines so there were no reminders of what daddy used to do that hurt or haunted us. I had already forgiven him for his non-parenting. (Forgiving the rest of what he did isn't just another blog, it's a book!)

My story is kind of extreme, but the acceptance and letting go lessons can apply to less severe situations too. Finally, hold your tongue and resist the urge to school them. You've already tried that and it didn't work. Just continue to parent the way you know best without lecture or comment. So they forget the coats. The kids whining about being cold will teach him more than you fretting. So what if you spot the better parking space? Let them pick and you button it. Do you really want your kids' memories to be that of you nagging?

Kids see the truth. No one needs to tell them. The parent who won't parent with you will reap the consequences later when their teen comes to you to talk and not them. If that parent asks you why, don't answer that question. Gently suggest they go ask your teen instead. So you might be the only parent your kid is close to. One non-nagging, non-bitter parent trying to follow God is better than none. I believe God honors the intent and fervent prayers of these parents.

So now you have accepted and forgiven. Good job! Now you can go enjoy the stability you are providing your kids and continue to pray that the influence they get from your family impacts their lives positively.

Rest in the knowledge that God loves your babies even more than you do and he more than joins you in desiring his best for them.

If they ask you about the other parent, don't disparage them. Refer them to that parent. Example:
"Mama why doesn't Daddy go to church with us?" Answer, "That would be nice, wouldn't it sweetie?""Why do you think so, Mama?" Answer, "You'll have to ask Daddy." Stay calm and neutral. Or as I call it in parenting workshops be "valium girl" - acting far more chill than you really are at the moment.

Save your venting for a close friend and never within earshot of your kids. Remember, they want to love both parents without condemnation. Giving them the freedom to do that is good for their hearts - and their souls.

But That's My Child!

                 

A recent Dr. Laura Program caller piqued my interest.

Caller's story: she had loaned a 'close relative' $5K over a few months, then learned and had proof that this 'relative' had gone on to steal $13K of family heirloom jewelry and later pawned them. When Dr. Laura heard the last part, she asked the the caller if she had of course made a police report. When the caller demurred, Dr. Laura went on a rant about weak people not taking a stand. They are exactly what perpetuates such awful behavior. People must go to the police! The caller then scolded the doctor by retorting; "not when it's your own child."

The good doctor's rant escalted from there. I tuned out in amazement that a parent would actually protect their thieving adult kid solely because it was their kid. If it were anyone else, different rules apply.

No one purposely intends to raise a little satan, do they? Do they really want to add another self-seeking or evil person to the planet? Bragging about the latest theft? Immoral or lazy action? Do they want to not know where all their illegitamate grandchildren are?

Why would a relative doing anything immoral or unethical get a pass just because they are related? Well, that's my sister's kid. That's my father, he's just like that. When they get out of prison, they won't have a place to go. 

There's another kind of  'pass': denial. That's when you refuse or are unable to believe that this person you gave birth to is really doing such things. The horror of it is too great to accept and so your mind plays a game and protects you by whispering that this will all go away, or isn't even happening. And if you are a parent you especially console yourself that you didn't have anything to do with this behavioral outcome.

Yes, Dr. Laura and others frequently mention that good people can raise a rotton kid. She'll chirp, "Hey Mom, two out of three ain't bad!" The miserable caller will agree and hang up still dejected about the lost one. At least this type of parent can see reality and isn't denying or accommodating, merely dealing with the deep stab of disappointment in their heart.

What about the parents who contribute to the sick behavior and keep the cycle going and thus  ruin a future generation? The ones so focused on all the drama with the problem kid that they have little time for the kid floating just fine - the good one. (The one who gets ignored at the expense of all the issues the other one brings.) In the end, they drive away the good one because their energy is directed at the alarms going off with the other one. They develop skewed relationships with their favored one and his significant others all the while their other less fingerprinted child has gone on to have their own life and family, bonding with people who will care about them.

When these parents go to bed at night, they sigh and think about the day's delimma and worry about tomorrow and what that adult child will need then. They talk to friends who will listen about their lives in terms of what has happened to them and bear no responsibility for contributing to their on-going rescuing. How could this have happened when they are so well-meaning? If they just fix things well enough, this will all be over and everyone will be happy.

These parents mistakenly place themselves in roles never designed for them to hold. They fail to recognize that each rescue builds on the last until the fully entitled conscience-less adult emerges. The one incapable of gratitude and is now entitled for all the help once given freely. Children of such a person learn this from knee-hight and get an earlier start on this kind of life.

Congratulations. All because these parents wanted to fix, not teach.

Baby "Thrash-Herself-to-Sleep"

When I became a mother for the first time, I was a young woman in awe. In awe of the life I had carried, birthed and would now parent. I marveled at her innocent round cheeks and button nose, and her tiny fingers and toes. Everything about her enthralled me. Every material thing we had acquired to support her new life delighted me. Each onesie was carefully washed and sorted. Her every outfit was thought out with care. I remember feeling so special to be able to have this precious baby in my life, and learning what it meant to share life with her was a treasure of discoveries.

While pregnant, I had refinished a rocking chair and repainted in a glossy white. It was topped with a soft colored pillow set to protect my back and seat where I would no doubt spend countless hours rocking my little lamb to sleep with the gentle night light glowing behind our special chair in her sweet nursery.

Imagine my surprise when it didn’t turn out like that at all! This little lamb had her own idea about what it meant to fall asleep as early as two weeks of age. It didn’t include me. Following the evening bath, feeding, diapers and pajamas, I would wrap her in a receiving blanket, put on soft music and gather her in my arms. My idea was to rock her slowly to sleep and then tip-toe to the crib. Her idea was to go to sleep on her own by wiggling and thrashing about for several minutes before entering baby dreamland. She didn’t want my arms anywhere near her. In fact, she didn’t want me anywhere near her.

It took a few weeks to believe that what I was experiencing was truly what she wanted. It was amazing to see how fast she would put herself to sleep in this fashion. I was left to step backwards out of her room, staring unblinking at that new life in the crib who didn’t agree with my romantic plan for nite-nite time.

Aren't we all guilty of something like this when it comes to what we think it should be or what we want it to be with our children? We have our own mental picture whether it’s based on our own history, baggage – or imagination – and when it doesn't work, we stutter and wonder what to do next. Do we force things to fit our idea? Do we flow? Aren’t we the parents?

We are the parents, but I think we can learn to listen and notice who our children are and what their “style” is. Go with what you learn from them about who they are and what they need individually. One child may need more assurance, another might need more direction. One may be sensitive, one may be wild. No one parenting recipe could possibly cover multiple “styles”.

Even though my baby and I weren't doing bedtime the way I had dreamed about, I knew she knew I loved her as I left her to thrash away. I just had to learn to show my love in an understanding way that honored her needs. This was okay.

It takes some work and prayer, but I believe we can give each of our children the parental love they need in the way they need it. Would you buy an artist skis? Unless they are a skiing artist, you probably wouldn't. Would you expect abstract thinking from a kindergartner? Is it okay if your teenager doesn't want their driver’s license at the same time all their friends do? What if your kid doesn't want to play a sport? We need to learn what excites our kids and where their strengths lie. Find out their dreams and concerns and tailor-make your relationship to suit their personality and goals. And above all, help them to feel secure and loved in their own skin because of exactly who they are.

A really good book that helps parents and grandparents understand different love languages is The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary D. Chapman.

The Perfect Family

This is a picture of the Cleaver family that I have in my office. I keep it as a reminder for two reasons. 1. Nostalgia - I grew up watching the Leave It To Beaver re-runs after school and there aren't too many moral witnesses today. 2. Nothing is perfect - and many people speak against this 1950's family presentation because everything just looked too good.

Perhaps because I grew up without moral coaching and parents overly focused on what our image would look like to others, I can identify in a skewed way with the "picture perfect" Cleaver family. My family really looked good on the outside. The difference is, in the show, the parents were not living for outside opinion and spent time with their kids --- even when the boys went upstairs and spent a lot of time in their room!

Like the Cleaver boys, I too spent a lot of growing up time in my room, but without that parental investment. Wally and Beaver had their own adventures, but they always focused on home and knew their parents were there with family values. Not just because it's what would look good, but because it was the moral thing to do.

Contrast my early experience and blend it with the Cleavers and you get a picture of my family now. While my family of origin lived for achievement, acquisition and public opinion, my family now lives to love God and others. We do not focus on ourselves nor do we care how we look to others. We do our best and leave it there.

My kids and their friends freely hang out with us and while they do retreat to their rooms, they know they are always invited to join us and that they do. Our focus on what things will look like to others centers around representing God well. We embrace the idea that we are who we are and chuckle that no one will always agree with what we do, look like or say. If our intent is God-focused, then so be it.

We don't have a custom home, name-brand car or a story to tell socially about our latest trip or purchase. No designer furniture or clothes or name-dropping here. In that respect, I am probably a huge disappointment to my parents. Funny thing, along the way I have met a range of people including corporate CEOs, artists, brilliant thinkers and talented leaders and creative ones. The only difference is that none of us exist to impress others and we all have experienced great connections as we value one another.

Gotta love honoring that ol' dignity!

The Blessing

One of the best books for parents I’ve ever read is The Blessing, co-authored by Dr. John Trent and Gary Smalley. It was published in the 1980’s and is still in print today. It is well worth your investment if you have any hurt from your own upbringing that you feel prohibits you from being the best parent you can be with your own children or grands.

This book is based on the Old Testament concept where the parents pass on a special blessing to their children. The blessing is long-awaited and highly valued. In today’s terms I’d call it envisioning a special future and verbalizing that deeply held belief to your child in such a way that they feel your encouragement and love enfolding them.

The premise of the book is that everyone desires and needs a blessing, and answers the painful question of how a parent can give a blessing even if they never received one. It helps the reader see why their parents may have been unable to give a blessing and walks you through a release process. Once the past has been dealt with, the book encourages parents how to communicate and share the blessing with their own children.

Invaluable tool and eye-opening, this book reminds us about how important it is to parent without excuses as much as possible. If we focus on not forgiving our parent’s failings, in some way we will weigh down our children and thus burden them unintentionally.

I can’t recommend this book more highly. Read it! Read it with friends and then talk about it in groups. You won’t be sorry and you will be giving your children a huge gift: a blessing from the bottom of your heart.

www.amazon.com