How to Tell if a Church Values Kids

Combining 14 years experience in 5 churches in various stages, sizes, denominations and locations with my personal experience as a parent before becomng iinvolved in children's ministry, I have some candid observations. These observations are directed to families coming in the door looking for a church home.

For me it's a given that you select a church that values kids regardless of whether or not you have kids, or if your kids have aged out of any programs, and whether or not you are even married. A heathly church recognizes the next generarions on the way and affirms Christ's mandate to love children.

Let's define "children". For me, that is anyone in the womb up to highschool graduation. The current buzz word refers to these groups as "Next Gen".

It goes without saying that everyone who works with a child from birth-18 must have a background check. No one should be allowed near a child without this screening. Additionally, no worker should ever be left alone with a child. Furthermore, workers must be interviewed and trained and regularly encouraged.

Church growth studies state that young families will come to a church that has a great nursery and preschool and clean restrooms. They will stay based on their experiences in service.

So first of all, notice the condition of the nursery. The littlest ones. Do they have proper leader-to-baby ratios? Is there an adult in the room? How many children constitute a "nursery" at this venue and what is the age range? Is the area clean and safe? Do you have a method of checking your child in or out? Where are the doors? Is the equipment new and clean? Are age-appropriate toys available? What is their parent contact plan? How long will they allow your child to be in distress before they contact you? What is the well-child policy? How are the workers trained? And finally, do they have a curriculum they are using or are they just babysitting?

Yes, there are curriculums out there for babies. They include a take-home CD for parents to play the very same music at home their child hears at church as well as monthly parent pages providing tips of things to do at home. These curriculums also provide a short "lesson" for each month with simple graphics. Class time at this age obviously doesn't invlove sitting around a table, but while they are held and played with the leaders are telling them and showing them how God loves them.

Don't attend a church that doesn't honor children from infancy on up.

For toddlers and preschoolers, check again for the adult-to-child ratios. Note how the church divides these age groups. Linger or stay in the class the first time your child is there. Note how each child is welcomed and how the hour is scheduled. Is there an intentional plan or are the children merely roaming for an hour? What curriculum is being used? Are the leaders outgoing, engaging and nurturing? What is the policy for parent contact should a child need comfort or is misbehaving? It is common for snacks to be served at these ages, and usually it is a mini cup of cheerios. Find out what the snack/alergy policy is, especially if your child has any alergy. Will the whole class wash their hands before and after eating? How often are the toys sanitized?

Don't attend a church that doesn't sanitize the nursery, toddler and preschool area after each use.

Kindergarters may have their own class or be combined with kids a year younger or older depending on the size of the church. They should never be combined with babies or young preschoolers because their developmental capabilities are not a match. Again check out how welcoming the leaders are, what is going on in the room to capture your child's immediate interest and what the room looks like. At this age, your child can understand some basic theological prinicples and curriculum and activities should be structured to explain God's love. There should be less play and more teaching going on at this level.

Don't attend a church that expects your child to sit and listen for an hour, they need to move and their attention spans are one minute for every year of age.

Early elementary kids should be kept separate from middle and upper elementary age kids. The larger the church, the greater the chance that they can provide enough leaders to accomplish this. Ask how music, drama, art and videos are used in the teaching. Stick around for the opening portion of the class to see how the weekly point is introduced. Are there take-home resources for the parents either via hand out or online? How are parents communicated with?

Don't attend a church that doesn't provide you with at-home resources (at least through elementary grades) and merely views themselves as a once-a-week stop in your schedule.

Children are growing older younger. What is the church doing to acknowledge your 5th and 6th graders? Are your older elementary kids and middle schoolers given an opportunity to train in an area of service? (Tech, drama, nursery to name a few) What about mentoring high schoolers? Is there a break-out group honoring the in-between kids and what is it? Do they teach to all learning styles? Who are the teachers?

Don't attend a church that doesn't have regular, recognizable volunteers who will get to know your kids. They don't need to see a parade of 'warm bodies' each week. The lack of regular volunteers tells you that the message from the stage does not support next gen ministry and leaves those areas to fend for themselves.

You can easily find out what the church thinks about kids upon your first visit by noting how you are welcomed and where you have to go to drop your kids off. Or if they are even welcome in the service with you! Pick up the bulletin and notice the words used to describe ministry to kids. If you see the word "childcare", that is code for babysitting and represents a stunted mind set. That church will not know how to coach you in your most important role in life much less provide strong lesson plans, but your kid will get a sucker. The wording for all age levels should use active verbs that compell you to enthusiastically offer your child that experience.

Note how much print space, announcement space or power point graphics are regularly devoted to the next generation in the weekly services and web presence. If you see endless studies, projects, prayer groups and tryouts for choir, you will see what is valued most. If you are told there is only one way to be a fully devoted member of the church, be wary. If the one way is a spiritual growth plan, fine. If the one way is to care more about say, small groups than anything else... find that in the Bible first before continuing on.

If you see more PR for all-church events than for kids, that means the money and manpower is also forced there. Volunteers for kids will step away from their regular area in order to help with what they perceive is the really big and important thing, leaving gaps and thus undervaluing kids. Do you want your kids valued whole-heartedly or intermittantly?

Have a child with special needs or a special circumstance? Contact the head of that department ahead of time. Effective people in these roles have the time to meet with you and learn your story and can partner with you to make the experience positive. Are you new to town or new to church? Again, contact the pastors/directors over the ministries for your kids and share with them! I remember giving one family a tour of the church, showing them where everything happened for each age. Until that day they had never set foot in a church and appreciated knowing what was to be expected. They ended up developing relationships with Christ and becoming very active members.

Don't attend a church that doesn't celebrate children.

Several years ago I heard about a 1,000-member church in Southern California that made a radical decision. The members were largly comprised of adults no longer having children left at home. A new Senior Pastor stood on stage and told the people that they were going to be about one thing: developing the next generation for Christ. If they wanted to stay and be part of this focus, great. If they didn't like this, they were welcome to find another place to worship. Guess what? Most of the people stayed to make a difference! And yes, a by-product was an influx of families with kids. I admire his guts and wish there were more people like that in ministry. People who put truth before budget and numbers. People who don't try to please everyone and thus net nothing in the long run. People who confidentally define themselves and go for it 1000%. Bet you this pastor wasn't following someone else's book!

Recently I was asked by someone attending a church for six months if they should pursue membership yet. Knowing that this church did not value the next gen the way I have described above, I encouraged her to watch and wait.

Don't rush to "get married" to a church. Give it time and seasons as you observe and experience who they are.

Not My Daughter

The divorce of a major celebrity couple has been at the top of the media radar for the past few weeks. While a celebrity divorce is nothing new, the suggestion that the mother was leaving because of the potential faith influence of her husband is. Now that the little girl is six, mom decided to take action.

I say she is seven years late for two reasons.

1. Before considering marriage the single most important thing a couple must agree on is their faith. They cannot sweep this aside not only because it is at the very core of each one of us, but when children are added to the family this issue is heightened. Sure, you may be able to limp around with varying degrees of disagreement before you create life, but once you become a parent, your responsibility compounds. You are modeling life to an impressionable one created if not physically by you, certainly born in your heart. Both husband and wife must be on the same page spiritually. I will not perform a wedding if the couple is not in agreement because it is the number one recipe for disaster, and I don't want to be part of a disaster that is known up front.

Yes, there are other topics couples must also agree on ahead of time, but if you go bankrupt and don't share a common faith, where is your peace and comfort going to come from? God is the source of all, first and foremost. Then all the other stuff like career, sex, hobbies, hair color.

2. The Barna group conducted a survey a couple of years ago with startling results. I have served on several church staffs since then and no one but me gets really alarmed. Those who know me hear me talk about this survey all the time. The bottom line is that a child's spiritual foundation is formed by the age of 9. The little girl in the picture is 6. That means there are just three more years to help her form her life's framework through which she will filter everything related to God.

This does not mean that our kids can't learn more, for surely they will if we are doing it right. It just means the filter is set. It doesn't mean that kids whose families do not expose them to faith opportunities are forever penalized in the future... but it does mean that there is more work to do. God will help us with that. But what if we all acted like the first 9 years of a child's life were spiritually essential? What would the church look like if together we all placed children as the number one priority?

So, if the mother is leaving to save her child's spiritual life, she has now involved a family split on top of the next three years of spiritual influence. Both parents have their work cut out for them because the courts are not going to get in the middle of what one defines as their faith. (At least not yet.) Now this little girl will be exposed to not only two different life styles like most children of divorce, her young mind that isn't capable of abstract thinking is up for spiritual grabs. I hope that she has many people in her life praying for her heart. She didn't choose what she got into, but her parents sure did.

Oh, to think ahead and teach our children how to see the world through the eyes of what has eternal value and not the fleeting excitement of today.

I've Never Been A Facebook Parent Before

So here I am, this seasoned children and family pastor. The one with all the personal life stories because I've mostly been there, done that. That fierce mama-pastor who has loved on hundreds of families over 14 years in ministry...

But, guess what? I've never been a mom in the FB generation. ACK Lately I hear myself say the things I tell other parents not to say. Even worse, I hear myself asking the dreaded "yes/no" questions!!

Just today I yelped out to our son; "So How come you didn't tell us you were F B O??"

His calm answer,"Because I knew you would do this."

Just this morning I was coaching in a parenting workshop I created. They love it and so do I! Bring it home... In my love and parenting of an incredible son, I find I am stumbling and doing all the dorky off-putting things I tell others not to do.

I did not know that when one posts on FB "in relationship" that it isn't bad if the other person isn't named. Or if they don't post back soon. In our son's case, his FBO gal has a problem with her internet but she is in agreement as of this afternoon while I was napping and he was changing his status. As that fierce mama, I just didn't want my boy's heart out there without some level of reciprocation.

Note to self and other parents: Remember, we cannot control after a certain age... but we sure can guide...

Reborn Babies

A variety of media outlets are airing stories this week about the new phenomenon of frighteningly life-like baby dolls that adult women are not only purchasing, they are collecting. These dolls, called Reborn Babies are priced well beyond your basic toy doll, some upwards of $1K. Because these dolls are life-sized, you can purchase all kinds of gear to keep it real. That way, you can care for your doll as if she were a real baby. Some even have birth dates, birth weights and adoption certificates. You can even have a custom made baby if money is no object. A few minutes on Google reveals an expensive hobby with fans, deals and adoptions. If you are lucky, you can even find one on eBay and of course you can find new friends on social media to share your passion.

The interview I saw yesterday on TV showed a woman who keeps a complete nursery in her home for her dolls. Another woman was filmed wearing her baby in a front pack and thrilled when strangers complimented her. One women proudly told the camera that she had over 30 of these dolls ranging in ages up to toddler-size.

What is the reason behind this expensive new movement? The interviews culled information bits from the women like relaxation, replacement and even just having the need to hold a baby again. These people are sincerely "collecting" and caring for their reborns as if they were real. They get fulfillment from holding the dolls. It is clear that a lot of time and money goes into their babies.

Scratch my head. All I thought about after first agreeing the dolls are incredibly well done is how much disposable income ladies were spending to parent the reborns. What could be done for others with this hefty chunk of change? What real life need could be met instead? My next thought was about how much time was devoted to caring about the dolls. How many church nurseries could use loving arms of adults holding real babies during church services? How many church toddler classes would welcome the participation of teachers who care about this age group? How many people in the community need some time from someone to help them with their real-life children?

I am not condemning the dolls or the purchasers. I am just wondering what would happen if the same dollars and energies were put into real-life human beings, what would the world look like? What real things could we accomplish for those in need?

"Let the little children come unto me... but don't let them take up too many seats"

It breaks my heart when I hear about church leaders who don’t want children in the service because they take up too many seats or distract by making too much noise or because they might not sit still. My heart breaks further when the reason behind it appears to be a babysitting request and has nothing to do with ministering to children and families and they think that's all that happens in children's classes. ACK!

So what is the intent of Sunday School or “Children’s Ministry”? Is it merely for the convenience of adults to dump off noisy/wiggly/bored ones so that they can focus on “big church”? Or…is it an exciting place where life-changing messages are communicated at age-appropriate levels and children are valued with a capital “V”?

The North American church needs a kid chiropractic adjustment... With fourteen years in ministry to children and families and connections with hundreds of churches, I have continually seen the struggle between management views about what should happen in “big church” and the value placed on ministry to children. Sadly, the investment in children has not always matched the emphasis on other areas. One church dumped most of its budget on adults, another on musical productions. On the other hand, I have met people who serve at churches where kids are the absolute number one focus. One church got the fire and turned several thousand people to be there just for kids 18 and under and told everyone they were there to invest in the future!

If you put a gun to my temple, I’d say that many quality leaders do not understand or appreciate what it means to truly minister to children... and therefore, their families. People worthy of respect in many areas. Recently, I saw an interview with a leader of the largest mega-church in America and he referred to everything they do as “child care”. I screamed (internally). Child care is babysitting! Even the words imply distance – nothing intentional. Church should be the last place where anyone thinks about babysitting. Shouldn't we go there and feel invested in?

When will people embrace that what happens on Sundays in kids classes is every bit as essential as what happens for adults? In kids classes, we are not merely “watching children” so that something more important can happen with the adults. We are investing in eternity and loving kids. Not one of the hundreds of volunteers that I have worked with has simply thrown some Cheerios on the table and backed off by popping in a DVD. (Yes, I was once blessed to be on staff at one church where I was privileged to have over 400 volunteers just for children. Not counting VBS, MOPS or kids clubs.)

Children’s teachers and helpers spend hours praying, studying and preparing for their one hour each week. They take their roles seriously. Our prayer is that some spark goes home that inspires families the other 167 hours of real life. A book that rocked my heart and formed my ministry philosophy is by George Barna, Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions. Read it and be as chilled as I was to find out a child’s entire spiritual life foundation is formed by age 9. Barna encourages all churches to emphasize ministry to children as the foundation for what happens next.

Just the other day, I received an e-mail from a concerned kindergarten teacher who wanted to be sure that she taught a lesson on faith in a way that would not impair her class’s understanding of how God moves. She did not want one child thinking that if they prayed to heal Grandma and Grandma did not get well that faith was not real... much less God.

YES, big topics are being covered at very young ages by adults and youth who love kids. What goes on in kids classes down the hall is not known by the greeters, adult leaders or even those sitting in the chairs. But they should know. Even if they don’t have kids, or don’t have kids Sunday-school ages.

One of the best ways to grow closer to God is to teach a kid’s class. The materials equip the leaders, and in so doing, bless and infuse them. I have never heard an adult or youth leader tell me that by teaching kids, they felt weaker in their faith. Rather, people have come to me overcome by what they did not know and what they learned, and how God blessed them with the kids.

No wonder Jesus told His followers to value kids...and be like them...

Amen!