The Real Missing Piece

One of my favorite children's books is by Shel Silverstein, called The Missing Piece. It's the story of an almost-circle traveling around looking for a pie-shaped wedge that will complete him. 

There are many ways to interpret this analogy, but have you thought about it like this?

Ever heard the saying that there is a space within the soul of every child that only God can fill? While they are young, that space is open and kids are most receptive to learn about him. As they grow, the space shrinks and they lose the innocent trust that was once waiting within. Statistics tell us that the chance of a child developing a faith relationship with Christ reduces by huge percentages by the time they graduate high school. 

In fact, the magic number is closer to nine years of age. Those first nine years lay the foundation for how a child interprets faith the rest of his life. It doesn't mean they can't have a relationship, it just tells us how they will understand it. Statistician George Barna outlines the need for families and churches to value those early years with solid teaching in his book, Raising Spiritual Champions. I recommend that every parent, pastor and Sunday School teacher read this and take heed. Capitalize, if you will, on the openness of those first nine years.

The other day I was working with a six-year-old little boy and his mother. He has several behavioral learning disabilities and is smart as a whip. Because of his behavior, he spent most of kindergarten in the "lockout room" removed from the rest of his class. Now he's in first grade in a special school for "those kind of kids". I work with him on his self-control and encourage him in social skills. He is doing great. He has demonstrated a strong singing voice but when I suggested to his mom that she sign him up for a church kids choir, she shook her head and told me they don't "do church". Back to the other day. He had just completed his  "All About Me Poster" and we were all talking. As we talked, he embellished his poster.

I noticed that he was making what looked like the capital letter "T" (his penmanship is a bit rough) but actually looked more like crosses. Nonchalantly, I tapped his poster and said "what are those?" He paused and soberly looked up at me and said "Those are crosses. Don't you know? The guy who died on the cross?!" He couldn't believe I hadn't heard. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms. God was at work in this little guy's heart and he was taking in whatever he could get. This little fellow just needs his missing piece.

Casually, I told the mom about my theory of the missing piece and this time she listened. She wanted to go to a "cool church" so I told her just the one to try that is for people who "don't do church". There's even a slide in the kids area. Guess what? She was intrigued!

Every child has a place within just waiting to be filled by Christ. As parents, it is our primary responsibility to see that it is. Smart churches have the staff and programming in place not only to teach the kids, but coach the parents, too. I cannot count how many parents have told me they feel inadequate to teach their children about God. My response is always the same. "Perfect!"

Say what?! That's just where God wants each of us. Open and teachable. That's why churches exist - to equip us on our journeys - so that we in turn can impact others. Learn right along with your kids if you are new to all of this - that's what many parents I've worked with have done. A lot of them sign up to help in a Sunday School class because they are learning as they prepare as well as when they spend time with the kids. If you have never stepped inside a kids class on a Sunday, try it. You will be amazed at what they say and what they ask. At every age.

The point is to be intentional with the spiritual teaching your children are getting. They need to know what it means that God loves them and how it came to be that they can have a relationship with him because of his son Jesus Christ. It is the most important teaching they will ever get and it is on-going. The sooner they begin learning this, the stronger they will be as they navigate the challenges of growing up. A good church can help you guide your child to find her "missing piece" and help you help them grow.

Not My Daughter

The divorce of a major celebrity couple has been at the top of the media radar for the past few weeks. While a celebrity divorce is nothing new, the suggestion that the mother was leaving because of the potential faith influence of her husband is. Now that the little girl is six, mom decided to take action.

I say she is seven years late for two reasons.

1. Before considering marriage the single most important thing a couple must agree on is their faith. They cannot sweep this aside not only because it is at the very core of each one of us, but when children are added to the family this issue is heightened. Sure, you may be able to limp around with varying degrees of disagreement before you create life, but once you become a parent, your responsibility compounds. You are modeling life to an impressionable one created if not physically by you, certainly born in your heart. Both husband and wife must be on the same page spiritually. I will not perform a wedding if the couple is not in agreement because it is the number one recipe for disaster, and I don't want to be part of a disaster that is known up front.

Yes, there are other topics couples must also agree on ahead of time, but if you go bankrupt and don't share a common faith, where is your peace and comfort going to come from? God is the source of all, first and foremost. Then all the other stuff like career, sex, hobbies, hair color.

2. The Barna group conducted a survey a couple of years ago with startling results. I have served on several church staffs since then and no one but me gets really alarmed. Those who know me hear me talk about this survey all the time. The bottom line is that a child's spiritual foundation is formed by the age of 9. The little girl in the picture is 6. That means there are just three more years to help her form her life's framework through which she will filter everything related to God.

This does not mean that our kids can't learn more, for surely they will if we are doing it right. It just means the filter is set. It doesn't mean that kids whose families do not expose them to faith opportunities are forever penalized in the future... but it does mean that there is more work to do. God will help us with that. But what if we all acted like the first 9 years of a child's life were spiritually essential? What would the church look like if together we all placed children as the number one priority?

So, if the mother is leaving to save her child's spiritual life, she has now involved a family split on top of the next three years of spiritual influence. Both parents have their work cut out for them because the courts are not going to get in the middle of what one defines as their faith. (At least not yet.) Now this little girl will be exposed to not only two different life styles like most children of divorce, her young mind that isn't capable of abstract thinking is up for spiritual grabs. I hope that she has many people in her life praying for her heart. She didn't choose what she got into, but her parents sure did.

Oh, to think ahead and teach our children how to see the world through the eyes of what has eternal value and not the fleeting excitement of today.

It's Called C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R

This week The Barna Group released its top five factors Americans will consider this November when casting their vote for president. I was happy to see that among the various demographic categories (evangelical, mainline, unbelieving) character matters. It's the number two factor right behind where the candidates stand on the issues.

A few weeks ago, a former 2008 presidential candidate's trial began. He is accused of misappropriating campaign funds to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If the prosecutors have their way, he will end up in prison for several decades. The pundits argue that if he had no knowledge of how funds were disbursed, then the fact that the funds were used to keep his adultery a secret doesn't stand up. Being callous toward his ill wife is no one's business, and not a factor in this case. What he does in his personal life is completely separate from his public life.

The answer I yelled at the TV was:"It's called CHARACTER, people!!" Character is not something we put on and take off like a pair of shoes. It's not something we choose to do sometimes and choose not to do at others. Character is intricately entwined with who we are. If we cheat, we cheat. It does not matter where. It means we are a cheater. If we lie, we are liars. If we are only nice in public and horrible to our loved ones in private, we are frauds.

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines character as follows:"The peculiar qualities, impressed by nature or habit on a person, which distinguish him from others; these constitute real character, and the qualities which he is supposed to possess, constitute his estimated character or reputation. Hence we say, a character is not formed, when the person has not acquired stable and distinctive qualities."

Parents have 18 years with their kids. The first 8 to teach and guide, the next 10 to coach and influence. Everything we do models life for them, whether we intend it as an educational moment or not. What do our kids think when they see us litter? Belittle a sales clerk? Scream at another driver? What do our kids think when they see us bringing dinner to someone or volunteering? Our choices matter. Little eyes and big ears are right there 24/7.

Don't you wonder what kind of messages that 2008 candidate got while he was growing up? That certain things are okay if it means you get your way? I wonder what messages his children (all of them) are getting today.

Sorry pundits, it does matter that a husband honors his wife. His wife remained gracious and dignified when this story exploded and in my opinion, died a woman of honor. Now that's character.

"Let the little children come unto me... but don't let them take up too many seats"

It breaks my heart when I hear about church leaders who don’t want children in the service because they take up too many seats or distract by making too much noise or because they might not sit still. My heart breaks further when the reason behind it appears to be a babysitting request and has nothing to do with ministering to children and families and they think that's all that happens in children's classes. ACK!

So what is the intent of Sunday School or “Children’s Ministry”? Is it merely for the convenience of adults to dump off noisy/wiggly/bored ones so that they can focus on “big church”? Or…is it an exciting place where life-changing messages are communicated at age-appropriate levels and children are valued with a capital “V”?

The North American church needs a kid chiropractic adjustment... With fourteen years in ministry to children and families and connections with hundreds of churches, I have continually seen the struggle between management views about what should happen in “big church” and the value placed on ministry to children. Sadly, the investment in children has not always matched the emphasis on other areas. One church dumped most of its budget on adults, another on musical productions. On the other hand, I have met people who serve at churches where kids are the absolute number one focus. One church got the fire and turned several thousand people to be there just for kids 18 and under and told everyone they were there to invest in the future!

If you put a gun to my temple, I’d say that many quality leaders do not understand or appreciate what it means to truly minister to children... and therefore, their families. People worthy of respect in many areas. Recently, I saw an interview with a leader of the largest mega-church in America and he referred to everything they do as “child care”. I screamed (internally). Child care is babysitting! Even the words imply distance – nothing intentional. Church should be the last place where anyone thinks about babysitting. Shouldn't we go there and feel invested in?

When will people embrace that what happens on Sundays in kids classes is every bit as essential as what happens for adults? In kids classes, we are not merely “watching children” so that something more important can happen with the adults. We are investing in eternity and loving kids. Not one of the hundreds of volunteers that I have worked with has simply thrown some Cheerios on the table and backed off by popping in a DVD. (Yes, I was once blessed to be on staff at one church where I was privileged to have over 400 volunteers just for children. Not counting VBS, MOPS or kids clubs.)

Children’s teachers and helpers spend hours praying, studying and preparing for their one hour each week. They take their roles seriously. Our prayer is that some spark goes home that inspires families the other 167 hours of real life. A book that rocked my heart and formed my ministry philosophy is by George Barna, Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions. Read it and be as chilled as I was to find out a child’s entire spiritual life foundation is formed by age 9. Barna encourages all churches to emphasize ministry to children as the foundation for what happens next.

Just the other day, I received an e-mail from a concerned kindergarten teacher who wanted to be sure that she taught a lesson on faith in a way that would not impair her class’s understanding of how God moves. She did not want one child thinking that if they prayed to heal Grandma and Grandma did not get well that faith was not real... much less God.

YES, big topics are being covered at very young ages by adults and youth who love kids. What goes on in kids classes down the hall is not known by the greeters, adult leaders or even those sitting in the chairs. But they should know. Even if they don’t have kids, or don’t have kids Sunday-school ages.

One of the best ways to grow closer to God is to teach a kid’s class. The materials equip the leaders, and in so doing, bless and infuse them. I have never heard an adult or youth leader tell me that by teaching kids, they felt weaker in their faith. Rather, people have come to me overcome by what they did not know and what they learned, and how God blessed them with the kids.

No wonder Jesus told His followers to value kids...and be like them...

Amen!