Don't Say "Sorry", Apologize!

A pet peeve of mine is when a person hurts/offends you and all they say is "sorry". Sorry is just a word. When my kids apologize like that to me I answer with another word like "chair". Then they blink and remember that I like to hear an entire sentence:

"I am sorry, I was wrong, will you please forgive me?"

The first part of the sentence tells me they recognize the pain they have caused. The second part shows that they want to make some form of restituation. If someone just says "sorry", they aren't asking me to participate. I don't know if they mean it, either. But when they admit they were wrong and ask me to free them up, I know they get it.

Sometimes being sorry takes a period of time to fully comprehend. If something has been broken, there must be an offer to repair or replace it as part of the apology. Perhaps your child needs to do lawn work to clean up the yard they tee-peed with their buddies. Maybe they have to work to earn money for a new iPod for their brother when they broke his.

When my son was little and he broke something, he thought tape would fix anything. We had to teach him that tape did not hold everything back together. Sometimes something remained broken.

Teaching our kids to apologize is a tender subject because it forces us to look at our own lives. Have we been correct in our own histories? Are we apologetic enough? Do we even owe one of our kids an apology for our own actions? Ouch.

Once someome comes to me and asks for forgiveness, it is my responsibility to forgive them. If I refuse, that's my problem. They can go on their way knowing they have done what is necessary for the situation and the realationship. They are free.

Over time, I have developed my own definition of forgiveness to mean "letting go my right to have any input any longer and leaving their judgement up to God."  If I don't forgive someone, I am dragging them as a weighty ball and chain affixed to my ankle into my future. Why would I want to be dragged down in my present and future because of something awful someone has done to me in my past??

When I hear popular radio shrink Dr. Laura tell people there are some things that are unforgivable, I completely disagree. I think there are some things so horrible they are hard to forget, but when we don't forgive we keep the awful thing alive and current. The harm needs to be addressed (sometimes by good counseling) and then we need to learn how to live because of and beyond what happened to us.

I knew a woman who could not forgive her adulterous husband, even when he fully apologized and worked for several years to rebuild her trust. Instead, she spoke about him to anyone who would listen and defined her life as the injured, on-going victim. After more years of this, the husband was driven away by her unforgiveness.

I come from a long line of unforgivers. Great-aunts and uncles and grandparents who dwelled on slights to the point of getting family written out of wills. That's why I call fanning the fire. Why do that when you could live a life of peace so far as possible?

There's a verse in the New Testament that gives me cause for pause whenever I am tempted to hang on to something. To the degree that I forgive others, Christ will forgive me. Yipes. I need tons of forgiveness!!! Therefore, I am going to do my best to work on forgiving others.

Notice that I said "work on forgiving". That's because some things are just too big to let go of right away. Just like the tide coming in, sometimes we find out how deeply someone has sinned against us. The sin took a period of time rolling in, so how can we snap our fingers and let it go in an instant? I don't think we can. But we can purpose to forgive in an instant. What's the difference?

Purposing to forgive means that you are in agreement with the need to do so, and with God's help you want to do that. Sometimes it takes time to process the level of offense. Sometimes that takes counseling. But each step of the way as you release the offender to God, you are lightened of the load you were carrying. It took me many months of hard work to release the pain my first husband caused. But now as I look back and speak about it, it is as if I am speaking of someone else's life - I am that free now, and have been for more years than the pain existed.

So it's urgent our children know how to forgive. For their souls. For the health of their lives on earth. And especially because we want our heavenly father to forgive them. And to do that, they need tender hearts that admit and ask for that very thing.

My prayer for every parent and child is that they will be open enough to learn how to forgive and to ask for forgiveness beyond the word "sorry."

Let's Pray

I see and hear lots of prayer requests in many forms. There isn't a day that someone on Facebook isn't asking people to pray for a co-worker, baby or body part. A few days later I sometimes even see a jubilant "thank you" to all those who were praying because the prayer worked.

Okay, that's not why they were thankful, it was because they experienced a positive outcome. They got a "yes" to the question they had asked the Creator of the universe. Therefore, they were rejoicing in their answer to prayer.

I think it is a mistake to teach children that a "yes" from God = answered prayer because that leads to the thinking that a "no" must mean unanswered prayer.

How often do we all entrust the deepest desires of our hearts to God and wait with baited breath for him to say yes? Note that I did not say wait for him to answer, because if we are all honest don't we want him to always say yes? My family has been waiting over five years for God to make clear our paths. The fog has lifted here and there but none of us can say at this point that God has answered our biggest and longest-prayed prayer.

What we need to teach children is that prayer is not about the answer we get or when we get the answer. Prayer is about releasing our need into God and stepped back in trust. I will say this again because I really need to hear this today: prayer is about entrusting God no matter what with all of our needs. Letting him know that we agree that we don't know what he knows and that we trust him. Our desired "yes" may look good in our eyes, but God's "no" or "wait" may have broader impact than we can see from our human vantage point.

God always answers prayer. He either says "yes", "no" or "wait". I think we should dance as delightedly for each answer because they are all the same -- from our loving God who is active in our lives whether we think so or not. Each answer is an answer, yippie! That is what I try to teach children.

We surely don't want kids to think God is some kind of magical Santa-being, reduced to passing out lollipops and sugar plums. We don't want to teach our kids that we ask, ask, ask and that's prayer. Kids need to know that asking is but a fragment of a complete prayer. Sometimes it's understandable or necessary to shoot out a "help" prayer, but part of our prayer life should include four components:

A - Adore God for who he is and what he does for the world

C - Confess our mess-ups: the things we have done that we shouldn't have done; and the things we have not done that we should have done (sin)

T - Thank God specifically for what he is doing in your life and world (make a list!)

A - Ask God for help - for people, for yourself, behavior, needs, etc.

When teaching young kids, keep it short and simple. I like to make it realistic by talking about all the places and times we can pray in order for children to understand that we can and should be praying at any time. While brushing teeth, in the middle of a test, on your bike, when you pick up scissors. There isn't a time in our everyday lives that we don't need to talk and listen to God.

Speaking of listening, one of my favorite things to teach is to make a list of all the wonderful things (attributes) about God and sit still. Sit and think of just those things. Talk about a perspective adjustment!

If we can teach our kids that prayer goes both ways, we will have some strong followers of Christ ebbing into adulthood. Then they can pass on their trust to the next generation, and the next to the next and the next.

That's my prayer for my family.

P.S. I Told You So

There is nothing that can get the fur on the back of my neck to rise like hearing a parent, teacher or anyone in charge of a child tell them "I told you that would happen if you did that. Now look, you'll_________ (fill in the blank)." Way to destroy a relationship and teach a child to need your input on every life decision. Not a way to teach responsibility or confidence.

One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is based upon the reality discipline principles of Dr. Kevin Leman. I have read and used his materials for over twenty years and I can attest to the fact that his stuff really works..that is, if you follow it. It's as easy as zipping lips. If you are like me, that will be hard at first but well worth your effort.

Reality discipline lets the real world do the teaching and the childen experience the natural consequences. If things go well, they have another notch in their belt of self development. If they don't listen and mess up, wonderful! If you handle the mess-up well, they will learn even more.

A simple example for younger kids: It's cold outside and you are getting ready to go. You calmly tell Tommy that it's cold and he should grab his jacket. (Neutral, non-lecturing tone) You are certain he hears you, but he does not comply. He thinks it is just fine out. Rather than cajole him, simply say it's cold and lead the way out to the car. Go where you were going. If Tommy complains that he is cold, shrug and say "yeah, I'd be cold too without my jacket". Keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Do not engage in discussion, reminding, or dialog. If he brings it up again, say "Bummer!" You stay neutral and pleasant. Resist the urge when you arrive home to bring up the jacket or tell him he should have listened to you because he got cold. Drop it. Next time you gently suggest a jacket, bet he'll get it if indeed he was cold.

Teenage example: Daughter Sally is going on a youth retreat and you have already taught her how to pack. Youth leaders provide a packing list for the kids, so this is between the two of them. All I would say is "Sally, the retreat is coming up in a couple of days, did you get the packing list?" If she says yes, I would be sure she knew where to find things that might be stored away like sleeping bags and duffle bags, otherwise that would be the end of it. About an hour before we leave to meet the group I would ask her if she packed what she needed from the list. If she says yes, I would smile and say we'll be leaving at 4:00. End of story.

If she comes home and said she forgot her shorts or another pair of shoes or whatever, I would agree with her that it was a bummer and ask what she did with those wet shoes. That's it. No lecture. No saying "Bet you wish you would have double checked." Just join her in her moment. Next time, she will double check more completely. If you communicate her "failure" you have not only taught her that she needs you more than she really does, you have alienated a part of her. The part that you will wonder about in ten years when she doesn't like to come over and hang out as much as she does as her in-laws.

I could go on and on with reality examples because I've experienced them personally as well as alongside many other families in my years coaching parents. What's the verse that tells us to watch out for our tongues?

Zip it. We can't take back the words, the tone or the meaning.

Neutral tones like Switzerland keeps the communication open...

Let's Skip a Few Stages

When our girl was in first grade, she was enthralled with a Mr. Rogers episode that showed how cheese is made in France. For the next 4 years, she would remind us that when she grew up, she wanted to become a cheese maker. Because I believe that kids should figure things out more than they need to be told, I would affirm her intent and ask to be sure she would make some Gouda cheese for me.

Fast forward. This girl is now an adult pursuing a master's degree in advancing impoverished communities in the world, teaching them to be self-sustaining. I probably mangled that definition, but the point is she sifted through her many experiences and dreams and landed on something that dignifies and blesses whole communities.

When our son was in first grade, he told us he wanted to be a Navy Seal. For the next 9 years, he would make occaisional comments about this desire. Remembering the "Cheese Maker" scenario, I absolutely affirmed his desire to be a hero.

A few months ago that (newly-turned-seventeen) son told us that he had something he wanted to talk with us about. He had met a National Guard recruiter at school and wanted to pursue conversations about enlisting as a junior in high school.

Gulp.

A handful of meetings and even more conversations later, he did enlist and has already attended two monthly drills. He will spend most of this summer in Boot Camp.

What?

Suddenly I realized that this child planned to skip some stages in the "growing up cycle". He is seeking out levels of responsibility and challenge far sooner than life would toss his way. While he is attracted to the fact that college costs will be covered by this decision, he sincerely desires to be part of team that helps protect, defend and restore. He is using the next six years as a launching pad for a possible military career.

Although already in college at his age, I barely thought about the future much beyond the next term paper. My highest concern was which outfit I was going to wear the next day, and of course; wondering if I looked fat.

The difference between me then and now and what my children have chosen is huge. I did not have the luxury when growing up to know what it meant for God to love me. I did not know one thing about what it meant to have a personal relationship with him through Jesus Christ - nor did I know that that was the reason God even put humans on earth!

My kids have grown up knowing what I later learned: I didn't want them to experience the void I did. I wanted them to know they could count on God. They got to grow up knowing that God loves them and cares intimately about every detail in their lives and that knowing him truly matters.

Through that, we have all learned to value others. Life is not just about ourselves, it is how we connect with others and their lives - wherever they are - whoever they are.

That being said, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that both my kids are other-focused and see beyond today.

I'm just working through the fact that it happened so fast...

Negative Parenting is Alive and Well

Unfortunately.

This is something that I thought would emerge from those who parented in the 1930s.

Today we have so many more influences, so many more resources to give us input and so many real life examples that show us blaming and shaming does not work. Not only does it not work, it causes so much damage kids end up in counseling... as messed up adults.

So I am asking - were you negatively parented? Are you passing this on to your family? Are you treating other adults in your circle of influence the same fault-finding way you were possibly treated? Check yourself. I hope you are not surprised.

I watch the reruns of the show KING OF QUEENS just because it is on while I am prepping dinner. I really only like the father character played by Jerry Stiller (Ben's papa). The married couple that this show is based on is so negative I wince, although actors Kevin James and Leah Remini nail their parts and I appreciate their acting. It's just that they do their negativity so well, I can't relax while watching this comedy.

As an easily distracted follower of a butterfly, I cannot believe it would be fun to be a negative person. Yet I run into these adult types more frequently than I would like. These people seem to embrace their demeanor and are unaware of the wide wake they leave behind. They are parents and employers and volunteers and just plain people walking the earth.

I just can't believe that any young parent would have a goal to produce a negative person that would in turn harm others. But by not taking action, or by not taking the time to explain -- that is what will happen. Worse yet, by teaching a child that their feelings rule the universe, they empower and inadvertently train a child in the same way.

Then of course we find the adult children of these meanies who pass on the same negativity just because they think they are removed from their parental shackles. Only to find out that they have become the parent they so despised.

How much better to live for truth all along! To teach forgiveness and encourage a hope for a better future.

I for one do not need to experience one more person who has not dealt with their past and is passing it on to other unfortunates that cross their paths.

We've all had bad days. Let's be sure it stays with us and some careful sharing of trusted friends. I don't want to mess up anyone else's life with my stuff, and that includes my kids first and foremost.