Ever Been to Manners Camp?

When our son was 3, his 13-year-old sister was babysitting him one summer day. Fed up with his toddler table manners, she created his very own Manners Camp. Her curriculum included proper posture, placement of napkins and elbows and correct use of utensils. They practiced over and over. When I got home, she eagerly informed me that her little brother had gone to Manners Camp and done very well. I'll never forget the smile of accomplishment on her face as he proudly demonstrated sitting at the table and chewing with his mouth closed. Just one visit to that "camp" made a big difference in his life.

As I navigate a typical day and encounter different people, I wish everyone could go to Manners Camp. Aside from teaching proper table manners, a few more topics need to be covered. It's a head-scratcher why those in authority over impressionable children do not work on training basic polite behavior that includes the fact that there are indeed other people in the world beside ourselves.

1. No spitting unless it is in your bathroom sink.  Argh, I've had huge wads of spit ejected out of male mouths ages 5 - 55 walking right in front of me. Sometimes I have to step around the glop they left on the sidewalk. Teen boys are the worst offenders, but dads do it too. When they do that, they are displaying a lack of concern for anyone else.

2. Have your conversations in public off to the side - not in the middle of an aisle in a store. What are other shoppers supposed to do, go around you while you block their way and chat on? If you stand off to the side you can have your conversation and others can shop. Double win. Last week I hit the jackpot - two middle-age men stood chatting in the middle of the parking lot lane completely oblivious to me in a car trying to get past them! I had to sit and wait for them, no kidding. Where did they learn to ignore a 3,000 ton vehicle much less other person?

3. Don't interrupt unless it's an emergency. This one really bugs me, especially when I am speaking to an adult and their kids burst in. Rather than tell their child not to interrupt, many will pause our conversation to answer the kid demand. All that does is teach them that it is acceptable to keep one's needs at the top of the list. I love it when kids who have been trained to be polite stand quietly at the elbow of an adult patiently waiting their turn to ask their question.

4. Clean up after yourself...and even others as you go. This is so easy and expeditious. Just bring your empty glass to the sink when you are done. Take the one next to it along. Walking back upstairs? Bring any item you know belongs there rather than leaving it for a return trip. Getting out of the car? Don't forget your empty water bottle and any other trash sitting around. This demonstrates the concept of thoughtfulness.

5. Hold the door open for others. This common courtesy has all but vanished in North America. Even when my youngest was in a stroller 16 years ago, businessmen entering a coffee shop right in front of me would let the door slam in our faces. Just. Plain. Rude. We can all do with some more thinking about the person coming after us, especially if their arms are full.

6. Say Thank You. And when you do it, make eye contact and smile. When I shop, clerks hand me my purchase and say "there you go" or "have a nice day." Kids of all ages must learn to thank someone for a kindness, and when they are old enough to work or babysit, they need to say thank you to their customer. I used to try to have my child write the thank-you note before even playing with the gift.

7. Replace the empty roll of toilet paper. How many times have you been stranded in the Loo because the person who last used the facility took the last bit of toilet paper? Even if you are at a friend's house, let the host know the roll is empty. Don't send the message that even what you do in the Loo is more important than anyone else by leaving them without this basic need. This is the ultimate insult to others.

Failure to teach our children these simple acts of humanity will result in the dreaded rude drivers of the future. Rude drivers are the ultimate gasp on my Bad Manners list. You know who they are. They are the ones who won't let you merge even with your turn signal on. The ones who speed up so you can't get in or are trying to slow down so you can turn. The ones who give you the rude finger gesture for being in their way...and then they go home and say hello to the wife and kids. Do you want your kids to be that father? The one who behaves rudely in public but is nicer to those he knows by name? I don't. This selfish behavior started a long time ago by what wasn't taught when the opportunity was there.

Make the most of your Manners Camps while you can, so you can launch an adult who recognizes there are others in the world beside themselves. Too bad that is such a novel concept in this self-indulgent age.

...Trying to make a dent...

The Proverbs 31 Woman

Ever heard about this amazing woman? You can read about her in most of chapter 31 in book of Proverbs in the Bible. There we read incredible character traits to aim for. They are pretty lofty, but inspiring. I love the one about her being a prudent business woman in addition to nobley nurturing her family. Check out a few verses:

10 [b]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
14 She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.

And

16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.
19 Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
20 She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.

And

22 She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
23 Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
24 She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.

I wanted to teach my little girl these wonderful attributes. How a woman can be both a leader and a supporter, wise and trusting. How central she is to her family, and how far-reaching her influence was. One of the things I found to help me teach this was a lovely children's book called When I'm a Mommy, by Ginger Fulton. It was charmingly illustrated and communicated the Proverbs examples in contemporary language with simple language perfect for a preschooler.

We nestled together on the couch to read our new book. She eagerly listened and absorbed each illustration with wide eyes. I loved reading with her in my arms when I could look at her profile and see those sweet cheeks and rosebud lips focused on the pages. Soon we came to the part paraphrasing verse 15: "She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls."

Somberly, my four-year-old turned and looked up into my eyes. "Well, you're not a Proverbs 31 Mommy because you don't get up that early."

Okay, so I like to sleep in. These verses are still worth some refreshed inspiration!

It's Called C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R

This week The Barna Group released its top five factors Americans will consider this November when casting their vote for president. I was happy to see that among the various demographic categories (evangelical, mainline, unbelieving) character matters. It's the number two factor right behind where the candidates stand on the issues.

A few weeks ago, a former 2008 presidential candidate's trial began. He is accused of misappropriating campaign funds to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If the prosecutors have their way, he will end up in prison for several decades. The pundits argue that if he had no knowledge of how funds were disbursed, then the fact that the funds were used to keep his adultery a secret doesn't stand up. Being callous toward his ill wife is no one's business, and not a factor in this case. What he does in his personal life is completely separate from his public life.

The answer I yelled at the TV was:"It's called CHARACTER, people!!" Character is not something we put on and take off like a pair of shoes. It's not something we choose to do sometimes and choose not to do at others. Character is intricately entwined with who we are. If we cheat, we cheat. It does not matter where. It means we are a cheater. If we lie, we are liars. If we are only nice in public and horrible to our loved ones in private, we are frauds.

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines character as follows:"The peculiar qualities, impressed by nature or habit on a person, which distinguish him from others; these constitute real character, and the qualities which he is supposed to possess, constitute his estimated character or reputation. Hence we say, a character is not formed, when the person has not acquired stable and distinctive qualities."

Parents have 18 years with their kids. The first 8 to teach and guide, the next 10 to coach and influence. Everything we do models life for them, whether we intend it as an educational moment or not. What do our kids think when they see us litter? Belittle a sales clerk? Scream at another driver? What do our kids think when they see us bringing dinner to someone or volunteering? Our choices matter. Little eyes and big ears are right there 24/7.

Don't you wonder what kind of messages that 2008 candidate got while he was growing up? That certain things are okay if it means you get your way? I wonder what messages his children (all of them) are getting today.

Sorry pundits, it does matter that a husband honors his wife. His wife remained gracious and dignified when this story exploded and in my opinion, died a woman of honor. Now that's character.

Can Your Kid Ride an Elevator?

The other day I was attending a meeting in a conference room inside a local hospital. I was directed to the Heron Room on the lower level and gestured toward the elevator bank. Once inside, I looked for the button that would represent that floor. Since there wasn't an "L", I tried the "1" because in some buildings I've seen that button mean the lowest level. The doors reopened on my current floor as if to say guess again. My only other option that I saw was a button labeled "-1". Presto! Down I went. When the doors opened after my -1 descent, a large glass sign with a giant "L" greeted me.

This got me thinking. Having developed my abstract-thinking skills I was able to decode the road blocks and get to my destination. It took a few attempts, because things were not laid out as clearly as anticipated. I knew that "lower level" meant below. I knew that sometimes "1" meant lower. When I didn't find a logical button to push, I tried again and hit the jackpot with "-1". Being welcomed with the giant "L" sign merely gave me a chuckle and revealed that the project planning had not included a final meeting with the person ordering the signs and the one installing the elevator.

Look how many steps it took for an adult to ride the elevator. And, how many logical steps had to be by-passed in order for me to achieve my simple objective of arriving in the Heron room on time?

How would a concrete-thinking kid handle all of this? Could you tell your child, "Go down to the L level and I'll meet you there"? What would they do when there wasn't an "L" to choose on the elevator panel?

I think we need to coach our kids in the unexpected "-1" thinking. More than teaching the steps, we need to teach the why behind the steps. This will serve them far better as they navigate the unexpected or possibly an emergency in life.

When our girl was 14, we flew her across country to visit family friends. She had a layover on the return trip and was told the final flight home had been cancelled. Rather than say "oh" and sit down in wonder, she looked the agent in the eyes and said, "I need you to do whatever it takes to get me home tonight." She was polite, had a big smile and arrived home only 3 hours late. Not bad for her first solo flight.

Something tells me that she would've found the -1 button that day, too.