Baby "Thrash-Herself-to-Sleep"

When I became a mother for the first time, I was a young woman in awe. In awe of the life I had carried, birthed and would now parent. I marveled at her innocent round cheeks and button nose, and her tiny fingers and toes. Everything about her enthralled me. Every material thing we had acquired to support her new life delighted me. Each onesie was carefully washed and sorted. Her every outfit was thought out with care. I remember feeling so special to be able to have this precious baby in my life, and learning what it meant to share life with her was a treasure of discoveries.

While pregnant, I had refinished a rocking chair and repainted in a glossy white. It was topped with a soft colored pillow set to protect my back and seat where I would no doubt spend countless hours rocking my little lamb to sleep with the gentle night light glowing behind our special chair in her sweet nursery.

Imagine my surprise when it didn’t turn out like that at all! This little lamb had her own idea about what it meant to fall asleep as early as two weeks of age. It didn’t include me. Following the evening bath, feeding, diapers and pajamas, I would wrap her in a receiving blanket, put on soft music and gather her in my arms. My idea was to rock her slowly to sleep and then tip-toe to the crib. Her idea was to go to sleep on her own by wiggling and thrashing about for several minutes before entering baby dreamland. She didn’t want my arms anywhere near her. In fact, she didn’t want me anywhere near her.

It took a few weeks to believe that what I was experiencing was truly what she wanted. It was amazing to see how fast she would put herself to sleep in this fashion. I was left to step backwards out of her room, staring unblinking at that new life in the crib who didn’t agree with my romantic plan for nite-nite time.

Aren't we all guilty of something like this when it comes to what we think it should be or what we want it to be with our children? We have our own mental picture whether it’s based on our own history, baggage – or imagination – and when it doesn't work, we stutter and wonder what to do next. Do we force things to fit our idea? Do we flow? Aren’t we the parents?

We are the parents, but I think we can learn to listen and notice who our children are and what their “style” is. Go with what you learn from them about who they are and what they need individually. One child may need more assurance, another might need more direction. One may be sensitive, one may be wild. No one parenting recipe could possibly cover multiple “styles”.

Even though my baby and I weren't doing bedtime the way I had dreamed about, I knew she knew I loved her as I left her to thrash away. I just had to learn to show my love in an understanding way that honored her needs. This was okay.

It takes some work and prayer, but I believe we can give each of our children the parental love they need in the way they need it. Would you buy an artist skis? Unless they are a skiing artist, you probably wouldn't. Would you expect abstract thinking from a kindergartner? Is it okay if your teenager doesn't want their driver’s license at the same time all their friends do? What if your kid doesn't want to play a sport? We need to learn what excites our kids and where their strengths lie. Find out their dreams and concerns and tailor-make your relationship to suit their personality and goals. And above all, help them to feel secure and loved in their own skin because of exactly who they are.

A really good book that helps parents and grandparents understand different love languages is The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary D. Chapman.

Helicopter Parents

Our honorary daughter's (so close she’s like our own) husband used to fly Marine One for a recent president. He was the guy at the helm to fly the president in the fancy-dan helicopter wherever and whenever he was asked.

This man is brave, well-trained, responsible and honorable. He respects authority and is so trustworthy the leader of the free world placed his life in his hands. Talk about the ultimate trust! (I don’t know if I can even trust someone standing behind me to catch me, and all that would mean is I land on the floor a few inches lower.) Honorary Girl’s husband displays the character of one so well-equipped he has now gone on to literally train another nation's military in fancy-dan helicopter maintenance.

When we talk about helicopter parents, it refers to parents who hover over their children for any and every reason. It may be the selection of a sock or outfit, it may be to set up their homework for them or burrow through their backpacks. It may be to coach them in their sport, even if they actually have a coach. It could be to intervene with their friendships or fill out a job application... or my personal favorite; drive an 11th grader’s forgotten lunch to school.

Characteristics of a helicopter parent include anxiety, perfectionism and most telling is how easily interruptible they are by their children. Legitimate emergencies aside, if you do not feel compelled to immediately take cell calls during a coffee date with a friend (or make them) or stop adult conversation in person to turn and pay attention instead to your offspring tugging at your sleeve, you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you do not have the need to insist your children perform precisely the way you insist in negotiable areas, you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you can go about your day without stress while knowing full well your child did not brush their hair (or teeth), you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you can go to sleep at night even if your child wore his clothes to bed, you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you do not do your child's homework or make excuses for them, you are not a helicopter parent.

If Honorary Girl’s hubby had been hovered over while growing up, he could literally not have become man enough, brave enough or confident enough to fly the leader of the free world around in a real helicopter.

Remember, real helicopters only hover when they are landing and taking off. Otherwise they are on a designated mission. If all they did was hover, they wouldn’t go anywhere. They’d just kick up a lot of dust.

If all we did as parents is hover, we are the ones who kick up a lot of dust. Our children won’t really go anywhere, either. They will remain dependent upon us for all their decisions. We will have fostered self-doubt and cancelled out their chance to sit at the helm of Marine One. I choose the brave one who thinks for himself and can be trusted to the nth degree!

"Reality Discipline"

This is what has defined my parenting philosophy ever since I read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. When my daughter was nearly four years old, I was wandering the aisles in a book store when the title jumped out at me. "That's what I need to know", I mumbled to myself. I finished the book that afternoon.

That was 22 years ago. Not only does the message work, not only have I personally applied this approach to my own children, as a children and family pastor I have taught and shared on this with literally hundreds and hundreds of families across the country. This stuff works!

Perhaps I should ask Dr. Leman for a sales commission?

Here's the summary about what reality discipline is all about: you let life lessons and experiences teach your children while they are still at home under your loving authority. Parents should not hover (helicopter parents), rule autocratically (authoritarian parents) but in a loving relationship guide and direct (authoritative).

"Because I said so" does not teach. Trying to befriend a child does not teach. Hovering does not teach. Okay, yes they do, they "teach" fear, dependence and rebellion. If a parent desires kids who become self-sustaining adults who contribute to society, they need to decide that early on and act appropriately.

In the "reality" scenario, parents make sure the task is known but they do not lecture or berate. They calmly allow life to teach. They do not allow the greater need to usurp the need to teach their children how to act properly. Your momentary inconvenience may be a life-lesson for your developing child.

Example:
Dinner is ready. Call the children to the table once. Begin eating. Anyone who comes late misses dinner. Parents calmly say "Dinner began at 6:00. That's when we eat. Breakfast is at 8:00." No food is available for the tardy kid. No further discussion about the missed meal. Oh, perhaps if the child says they are hungry, the parent could agree. "I bet you are!" But no lectures, no reminding. They won't starve.

Example:
Kids know to put bikes and skateboards away, but they don't do it. One father I know took all three of sons bikes and scooters and donated them to Goodwill. When his boys asked what happened, he calmly told them they had not cared for these items, so they are now gone. (They can save up and buy their own replacements or live without, but Dad does not spell that out, he keeps calm.)

Example:
Mom is 95% done grocery shopping with her toddler. The cart is overflowing with all the needed items. Toddler begins a screaming fit complete with back-arching. Everyone in the store can either hear or see this display. Mom should not stand for this. She should calmly steer the cart to the customer service desk and ask them to hold her items, stating that her child is not acting appropriately in public. She should leave the store, place little screamer in his carseat saying they could not finish shopping. Drive home and time out. Go get the groceries later, or ask Dad to pick up on the way home. Make a point of telling Toddler the next time that they cannot come along because of how they acted. Maybe the next time.

Example:
It's cold. Parents suggest their child wears a coat. Child refuses. Parents do not continue discussion and continue out to the car, on the way to the destination. When the child whines that they are cold, parents simply say "I would be too" or "I bet you are." But nothing else. No lecturing. Repeat if necessary. Do not offer to find a way to keep them warm. Remain calm, talk to others. The next time, your child will remember their coat.

One More Example in This Blog:
Your child forgets their lunch and texts or calls from school. If you want a dependent child who does not grow up responsibly, abandon your coffee date with your friend, leave your office rush to a Subway to get that nutrition to the school in time for that 20 minute lunch window. If you want your child to learn how to be responsible, text back "Bummer". You can agree that it is frustrating when that happens, but if you don't fix it, you will be doing them a huge favor.

There is so much to be said about this topic, I will share more thoughts and examples in later blogs.

Oh, and by the way... the only Example I did not do was to sell the bikes...