Snot Moms and Your ADHD Child

Have you met them? Their hair is perfect, their bodies lean and they parent with ease. Not only that, of course their kids are compliant, neatly dressed and well-behaved.

While your kid is running around their pool channeling ADHD and offending every other calm five-year-old, their kid is hosting a dainty tea party in the shallow end or carefully touching their toe into the water. When your kid burps at their sweetly pig-tailed one who recoils with a squak, the perfectly coifed mom glares over at you because of your moral failure now being demonstrated by your child's beastly behavior.

While you wrestle your wild child to the ground in order to dry them off before leaving this fun party, everyone stares and then nods toward each other. Your hair falls out of the clips and your shirt pulls up during the tussle. No doubt you'll get a bruise from this. Yes indeed, you represent the worst parenting there is and worse yet, they have labeled your child as a bad seed. These moms vibe one another and cross their legs in unison as they all look away from your big fat mess. You saddle up and trudge out the garden gate to your car. So much for the kindergarten class party.

Not only will they not friend you, they will ignore your child. Depending on your school, this could make quite an impact when they send birthday party invitations to every child in the class except yours. Your child comes home bewildered having seen the invites delivered in front of everyone, and wonders why they weren't chosen. Even if you go on the field trip with him, there is no guaranteed your presence will influence calmer behavior.

Hello, that struggling mom was me and I wouldn't change a single thing in my life at that time. Not for a health club or better hair, and certainly not my child. God bless those snotty moms judging me and my beloved child. That wiggle-worm, impulsive, compulsive noise-making, dirt attractor and irritating 5-year-old is becoming one of the most amazing people I have ever known, much less parented. And he is yet to graduate high school.

Those snots that refused friendship and excluded birthday party invitations were ignorant and judgmental. Their shunning quickly taught me that I needed to learn how to support and coach my kid in the face of what loomed to be on-going judgement not to mention serious struggles to pay attention.  After all, part of life is learning how to behave in socially appropriate ways. We want to attract people - not shoo them away. I had to advocate for him often, as well as discipline his socks off. Unfortunately, because he got labeled so early due to his hyper-impulsiveness, anything he did was initially believed to be an intentional act. We got our own labels as bad parents. And yes, he got kicked out of two daycares and two preschools.

Finally, he was old enough to test. We tested for allergies (guess who had a high senistivity even to natural  sugars?) and we tested intelligence (turns out he has superior intellect) and of course for ADHD. Once he got on his meds and we figured out which ones and how often, he simmered down and could focus. We taught him he was the boss of his brain, so he could focus on his teacher or his finger tip. We never told him he had ADHD, we only told him he needed focus pills to help all the activity in his smart brain simmer down so he could focus. We role-played, coached and rewarded, cried, laughed and continually begged God for help.

It seemed that people were only pleased with the behavior of the quiet and compliant children that never spoke out of turn. Intollerant teachers spent time trying to force our boy to be just like the others and were frustrated when it appeared he wouldn't listen. I don't want any kid to be just like any others, least of all my kid. I want to know how they think and what they think and how they dream. I don't want to control them nor turn them into little performers. With God's grace, I want them to become who they should be and I am there to coach them along the way to be a kind citizen.

The kid who was so judged does not judge others. He never started anything, but he will defend himself - and when he sees bullying, he tells the kids to knock it off. He sees the spectrum of human behavior and dismisses no one. While he respects the right of everyone to be on this planet, he will not ask a girl out if he has seen her being rude to someone. He is courteous and thoughtful and strong -  both physically and mentally. People that have met him after age 9 do not believe my stories of his ADHD because it's gone. We stopped the meds after a year when he told us he "didn't like the way he feels" when he takes his focus pills. Okay, we said. But you will have to work extra hard to help your brain focus. And over the next couple of years he did.

I think any parent with no compassion for a child that doesn't fit a mold for whatever the reason is a snot mom. Kids with mental or physical diagnosis take extra effort to parent and educate. Their families are worn out and many times they struggle alone if no extended family lives nearby. I can't count very high the number of people that loved us through our battle to raise our wild child. One of them was the cashier in the grocery store who encouraged me while every other shopper stared aghast at the screaming fit my 13 month old was having in the cart. To this day I remember her kind smile. She made a difference in more that just that interaction.

When we stop to think beyond a snap judgement and give that annoying kid a chance we are blessing her and her parent that is struggling more than you'll ever know. Try it. You'll probably never know you made a difference in their lives, but know that you did indeed.

Shame on You?

A recent Yahoo article tells us about a Utah mother's supposed ingenious punishment for her 10 year-old's repeated rude comments toward outfits other girls wore at school. Polling her Facebook friends, the mom decided to take the girl to a thrift store and make her wear the clothes she liked the least. She had to wear them to school and to a sports game because the first time it didn't stick. This mother wanted the child to want to apoligize, and thought shaming her daughter by being embarassed herself would do the trick. The girl apparently was finally apologetic to the proper parties and thanked her mother for the punishment.

A freind of mine shared this article with me and asked what I thought about this.

No, no and no way!

Let's take the easy "no" first. By dressing the child in clothing she deemed "ugly" or "embarassing" and sending her off in public is causing another problem. Other people regularly wear things we don't like or wouldn't wear. Some people are perfectly happy with their "look". There is no one socially accepted correct outfit, and by picking things they thought were ridiculous they ran the risk of offending others in the process of trying to teach a lesson.

In my consequence-driven parenting, I tried very hard to never harm others in my child's reality discipline. While other kids could be agreeing with the ugly outfit, others could be off to the side thinking "that's what my mom wears" and be hurt. Once I had to un-ground my daughter and let her go on the ski trip after all because her ski partner would have been punished by being alone that day.

A harder "no" is next. There is a big difference between feeling ashamed and being shamed. Feeling ashamed comes from within and is a response to something that has occured. Being shamed is a message thrust upon us and goes to the very core of a person. That mother not only shamed the girl, she also shamed others when she allowed her to wear clothing they deemed as embarassing. We should feel ashamed for unkind  and unloving things we do and say. We should not feel ashamed for who we are or are trying to be. Shaming someone is cruel and takes them years to reconize and overcome. This does not mean we do not correct our children for what they do.

Still confused about shaming? Here are some examples of damaging comments I have heard parents make directly to their children: "Look at that tummy on you - ha ha!"; "You are such a klutz"; "You just can't be like your sister, can you? She always does it right!"; "Before you were born I used to be happy"; "No wonder that happened, you are just like your awful father!"; "You always do that"; "You never can be grateful, can you?"; "No, that's the wrong way - do it right!", "When are you going to learn?"; "Just look at what you did to my clean floor!" "How would you know? You're just a kid!" "Ha ha you're such a baby for crying about that!!" These are stinging, shameful comments that center around the value of a person. Uttered for a second, they plant themselves deeply within and eat away for much longer than that impatient second it took to spurt out.

The mother had part of it right - she wanted the child to see the err of her ways, own it and sincerely apologize. Polling her friends and coming up with this plan was just the wrong way to go about it, evidenced by the fact that the one time wearing the "ugly" clothes wasn't enough for the little girl to keep her lips zipped. She was a repeat offender.

Now are you asking Well then Mrs. Smartie Pants, how would you have handled this??

Upon receiving the call from the school, we sit down and discuss what happened. We then talk about shame and what that means vs. personal expression and taste. This should take no more than 5 minutes. I would want to find out what she was trying to accomplish by making her remark. Based on her reply, we would talk about a better way to behave that would not harm another person.

I would have a tray of different, unlabled food for her to sample. She tastes the items and gives her opinions. I am sure to include a few that are too tart or hot and some that look awful. (A quick visit to any produce department will provide all you need.) We talk about how different we both are in what we like to eat. Is there one right way to eat? One correct thing we must all eat? Is it okay we like different things? Mocking or condemning others not like us is wrong.

Here comes Jesus: what did He do? How did he treat people? Pick one short parable (in the Gospels) and look at it together. Now we are up to 12 minutes. We've been in discussion and we've illustrated the point that we don't judge others. I would close by asking my child to talk to God out loud with me and ask them what they think they should do next. What would they think the kids at school need to hear from my kid? I'd have my child talk to the teacher and stand in front of the class (or however many overheard the mean comments) and state an apology, ending with the phrase "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"

(In my role as a kids pastor, after ensuring he understood what he had done,  I have actually had a disruptive boy do this to his class and teacher.)

After my child has made the appropriate apology (perhaps it also includes a personal note to the victim), I ask them how they feel about the entire experience. When they make comments about any glimmer of what they have learned, I praise their observations and tell them I know they will respond differently in the future.

Instead of shame, they have learned not to damage another person and what it has meant to be on the nasty end. They have learned why it was wrong. They have learned how to cope. They have learned to think about another person who may be different than they are. They have new awareness and long-reaching skills. And they aren't going to be on the news because I was so clever.

Kids need to learn to: Realize it. Own it. Pray about it. Ask for forgiveness and forget it. God already did.

Overheard at Target

In Target, my favorite endcap display is the one that says “As Seen on TV” and has all the gagets and gizmos offered for sale on TV if you just call an 800 number. Yet here they are and I didn’t have to make a call!

Well, here are some actual comments I’ve heard from parents directed at their kids:

“You just can’t be good, can you?!!”

“Stop it, I mean it, stop it. That’s the 10th time I’ve said this so STOP IT!!!”

“Now you can’t have your birthday party!!”

“How many times do I have to tell you this!!!”

“You just don’t want to listen, do you???”

“Your father should not have let you do that, he’s wrong.”

“You are a bad girl/boy!!!”

“Kid for sale!”

“You two are such brats, shut up!!!”

“I can’t WAIT til you go back to school!!”

“She’s a terror.”

“I will take away your Christmas presents.”

“You can’t ever have ice cream again.”

“How many times have I told you to leave your boots by the door???!”

Most of these comments were made under duress. Many of them were made in public as a frazzled parent was pushing a grocery cart with several kids in tow. I have noticed that the children do not react to these comments, which tells me they are not new. And of course there will still be Christmas presents.

Empty threats. We might as well just recite the Periodic Table, that doesn’t make sense to little kids, either.

Here’s a way to de-personalize teaching opportunities – omit the personal pronouns. Instead of “You go put your boots away!” calmly state: “The boots belong by the door.” Carry this further: “Feet go on the floor” (resist following that by “not on the furniture”), “Dirty dishes go in the sink”, “China is not touched”, “Inside voices inside the store”, “The water bucket stays outside”. Short, simple and instructional. Say it in a non-negotiable, calm voice as if the entire solar system follows this procedure. Expect the kids to follow through.

If you are teaching public behavior in the store, then I would add a “we”. “We stay by the cart (or in the cart) in the store. We listen to mom.” (Then if they don’t, do the thing I mentioned in an earlier blog and promptly leave the store. Do not check out or finish shopping.) I used to let my kids pick out a couple of food items during a grocery store trip. They could not exceed our limit, and learned to self-edit or replace items if they wanted something different from another aisle. “Can I just have this?” “Sure, just put something else back.” The thinking and selection was up to them, not for me to narrate.

Every once in awhile I hear a parent encouraging their kids in public. Here is where I would use the personal pronouns big time to affirm positive behaviors or decisions. “You are doing a great job of standing in the hotdog line.” “That was so thoughtful the way you held your sister’s hand.” “Thanks for staying so close to me while we walk through the parking lot.” “You listened so well, way to go!!” “Wow, thanks for holding the door for us” “You were so polite, awesome job buddy!”

The point is to affirm the act, not the person. If we tell our kids “Mommy loves you because you stood in line so well,” that places the condition of love on their appropriate response and they might not always respond correctly. Better to say “Mommy loves you all the time”, period and save the affirmation of the act for a separate sentence. Little kids are very literal. When we were moving and told our six year old son we would be taking his room, he wondered how the room would fit on the truck and attach itself to the new house. Simple, short sentences work best. “Every THING inside your room will come to the new house.”

If you have ever been that empty-threat parent described above, it is never too late to sit with your kids and apologize for the words you have used and ask for their forgiveness. Then ask God to do some erasing of those memories and move on.

Cajoling Parents

One day when I was a Starbucks barista, I was making drinks as usual for customers. A couple with a daughter about age four each ordered a drink for themselves. I rang them up and began making their two drinks. A barista is charged with completing the entire transaction in under 3 minutes.

The entire time I was “cooking”, their daughter was whimpering over and over and over, “I want a hot chocolate. I want a hot chocolate.”

Four times that little girl whined for her hot chocolate, and each time her perturbed parents snapped “no”.

As I finished their drinks, I glanced above the espresso machine and saw the mother with her hands on the little girl’s shoulders bent over, whispering firmly in her ear the way parents do in public when they want to silence embarrassing kid behavior. The whining silenced.

Once I placed the parents’ completed drinks on the hand-off bar, the mother got back in line and ordered a kids hot chocolate.

Sadly, they had caved in after threatening and warning over and over times four.

What message did that send to the little girl who finally got her way?

Kids need consistency. They need to know that “yes” means yes and “no” means no. To reward such manipulative behavior disregards a child’s basic security need to know and learn limits. Parenting isn’t about pleasing kids, it’s about nurturing kids who know how to roll with life’s challenges.

Had the parents merely said in a level tone (without any inflection), “No cocoa today Lullabelle” and turned away, focusing on their adult conversation, the whining would have diminished. The parents would have held a loving, authoritative hand. Coddling their child completely missed the mark of parenting authentically with the goal of raising an a contributing, self-sustaining adult one day.

Instead, they’ve nurtured an on-going project: a person who needs others to affirm her or she won’t “feel happy.”

EEE GAD!

The glorious look of success on the girl’s face as I gave her the drink said it all. The parents thought they’d diminished a fit, their girl knew differently.

For more on what is called "reality discipline", check out Dr. Kevin Leman's best selling book: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.