There is nothing that can get the fur on the back of my neck to rise like hearing a parent, teacher or anyone in charge of a child tell them "I told you that would happen if you did that. Now look, you'll_________ (fill in the blank)." Way to destroy a relationship and teach a child to need your input on every life decision. Not a way to teach responsibility or confidence.
One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is based upon the reality discipline principles of Dr. Kevin Leman. I have read and used his materials for over twenty years and I can attest to the fact that his stuff really works..that is, if you follow it. It's as easy as zipping lips. If you are like me, that will be hard at first but well worth your effort.
Reality discipline lets the real world do the teaching and the childen experience the natural consequences. If things go well, they have another notch in their belt of self development. If they don't listen and mess up, wonderful! If you handle the mess-up well, they will learn even more.
A simple example for younger kids: It's cold outside and you are getting ready to go. You calmly tell Tommy that it's cold and he should grab his jacket. (Neutral, non-lecturing tone) You are certain he hears you, but he does not comply. He thinks it is just fine out. Rather than cajole him, simply say it's cold and lead the way out to the car. Go where you were going. If Tommy complains that he is cold, shrug and say "yeah, I'd be cold too without my jacket". Keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Do not engage in discussion, reminding, or dialog. If he brings it up again, say "Bummer!" You stay neutral and pleasant. Resist the urge when you arrive home to bring up the jacket or tell him he should have listened to you because he got cold. Drop it. Next time you gently suggest a jacket, bet he'll get it if indeed he was cold.
Teenage example: Daughter Sally is going on a youth retreat and you have already taught her how to pack. Youth leaders provide a packing list for the kids, so this is between the two of them. All I would say is "Sally, the retreat is coming up in a couple of days, did you get the packing list?" If she says yes, I would be sure she knew where to find things that might be stored away like sleeping bags and duffle bags, otherwise that would be the end of it. About an hour before we leave to meet the group I would ask her if she packed what she needed from the list. If she says yes, I would smile and say we'll be leaving at 4:00. End of story.
If she comes home and said she forgot her shorts or another pair of shoes or whatever, I would agree with her that it was a bummer and ask what she did with those wet shoes. That's it. No lecture. No saying "Bet you wish you would have double checked." Just join her in her moment. Next time, she will double check more completely. If you communicate her "failure" you have not only taught her that she needs you more than she really does, you have alienated a part of her. The part that you will wonder about in ten years when she doesn't like to come over and hang out as much as she does as her in-laws.
I could go on and on with reality examples because I've experienced them personally as well as alongside many other families in my years coaching parents. What's the verse that tells us to watch out for our tongues?
Zip it. We can't take back the words, the tone or the meaning.
Neutral tones like Switzerland keeps the communication open...
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