My Goal is NOT to Have Happy Kids

What??!

Seriously, I really don't care if my kids are "happy". In fact there is not one thing I have done with the intention to "make them happy."

Camps, sports, movies, concerts, gifts, trips, haircuts, laundry... none of this has ever been done to make my children happy. Everything I have done and continue to do has been to create experiences or provide care so that they can continue to develop their own personalities. When boundaries have been necessary to implement (aka consequences), their "happiness" was not an issue. The issue was to provide guidelines so that our kids would bump their noses into things and learn from experience.

If I lived to make my kids happy, I would be chasing my tail and attempting to please them. Even ask their permission! I have personal experience with parents asking their children if they really wanted to go to their grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary. Or, how about this one: bailing their kid out of jail for drunken driving and not being disappointed! (More on this in a dedicated blog later.)

Do we really need to see a smile every second of every day? Does a smile signify happiness, anyway? Wouldn't it be more significant to provide loving guidance and patiently delivered consequences as our kids grow? And... shouldn't our kids learn how true "happiness" is an internal choice after all? And... for sure that their moods do not control the family vibe?

Today in the church toddler room, a sweetheart was sobbing for her parents. She was just 23 months old. We let kids cry for 10 minutes before getting a parent, and she was on minute 7. It was time to read the story to the class and she was still crying. I said "Honey, we are going to listen to the story right now, so we need you to stop crying. When the story is over, you can go back to crying if you like, but right now it is story time." She paused, walked over and listened to the story and never did resume her crying.

Did I care that she was happy? No. Did I care that she could comfort herself? Yes. I am so glad we did not reach the 10 minute rule because she was not "happy" based on our responses. She began to learn that her mood was managed from within, while being kept safe by encouraging adults.