I Won't Lie to My Kids

The best illustration I have regarding my core belief that I will not lie is when we took our son to California's Legoland for his 6th birthday. At that time, we lived in Sacramento - about an eight hour drive from the north. His birthday is at the beginning of December, so we combined the trip with a Thanksgiving visit to his L.A. based grandparents. We ate turkey with them, then a day or so later headed further south to celebrate in Legoland for two days. You just can't see enough in one day.

Due to scheduling and work logistics, our trip would conclude several days before our son's actual Big Day. He was fully aware of the timing, and eager to partake of all the theme park had to offer. I have a precious image embedded in my mind of him wearing his physical birthday gift while sitting on a mechanical horse - a Lego-y knight's costume complete with shield and sword. He was leaning forward with the most innocent big smile...

If you have never been to the original Legoland in Southern California, it is quite different from the small version in Mall of America. It is one of the most hands-on, clean and inspiring theme-places to take children. They interact with rides, they participate in creation stations and the food is top notch.

One of the rides we went to was a two person race car. The bored attendant told us (the only people in that line) that the ride was for children ages 6 and up, then asked if our son was 6.

He looked up at me with his big blue eyes, so full of trust and eager to get on the ride, yet knowing he did not actually turn 6 for three more days, waiting for my reply. I knew this was a moment that would set the stage for his future. I couldn't just "round up" in my reply just because we were so close to his birthday. He would consider it a lie.

"He will be 6 in three more days," I smiled.

"Sorry," said the poorly trained attendant. "He has to be 6 to ride."

"He will be 6 in just three more days," I repeated. "This trip is his birthday present but we won't be here then and he would really like to go on this ride." Big smile.

She was not interested and shook her head no, then looked away.

We didn't get to go on that ride.

As we walked away toward another ride, his hand in mine, my heart ached for his disappointment. "That's not fair!" He said. I agreed. "My birthday is just a couple more days away!" I told him I agreed, and pointed out that she was trained with words, but could not think when it came to real people. I told him I was sorry we couldn't go on this ride, speaking far more upbeat than I really felt.

Then I said I was glad that we had told the truth, and that he saw his mother tell the truth, even when a person didn't respond kindly. I wanted him to know his mommie told the truth so that he could always trust me. He squeezed my hand as we met up with his dad and he got to tell him all about the lady who "was too picky".

I still wince that he didn't get to go on that one ride, but am so glad I didn't stretch the truth with a very concrete thinking little person at my side. Kids need to know that parents won't compromise just to get what they want.

"Reality Discipline"

This is what has defined my parenting philosophy ever since I read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. When my daughter was nearly four years old, I was wandering the aisles in a book store when the title jumped out at me. "That's what I need to know", I mumbled to myself. I finished the book that afternoon.

That was 22 years ago. Not only does the message work, not only have I personally applied this approach to my own children, as a children and family pastor I have taught and shared on this with literally hundreds and hundreds of families across the country. This stuff works!

Perhaps I should ask Dr. Leman for a sales commission?

Here's the summary about what reality discipline is all about: you let life lessons and experiences teach your children while they are still at home under your loving authority. Parents should not hover (helicopter parents), rule autocratically (authoritarian parents) but in a loving relationship guide and direct (authoritative).

"Because I said so" does not teach. Trying to befriend a child does not teach. Hovering does not teach. Okay, yes they do, they "teach" fear, dependence and rebellion. If a parent desires kids who become self-sustaining adults who contribute to society, they need to decide that early on and act appropriately.

In the "reality" scenario, parents make sure the task is known but they do not lecture or berate. They calmly allow life to teach. They do not allow the greater need to usurp the need to teach their children how to act properly. Your momentary inconvenience may be a life-lesson for your developing child.

Example:
Dinner is ready. Call the children to the table once. Begin eating. Anyone who comes late misses dinner. Parents calmly say "Dinner began at 6:00. That's when we eat. Breakfast is at 8:00." No food is available for the tardy kid. No further discussion about the missed meal. Oh, perhaps if the child says they are hungry, the parent could agree. "I bet you are!" But no lectures, no reminding. They won't starve.

Example:
Kids know to put bikes and skateboards away, but they don't do it. One father I know took all three of sons bikes and scooters and donated them to Goodwill. When his boys asked what happened, he calmly told them they had not cared for these items, so they are now gone. (They can save up and buy their own replacements or live without, but Dad does not spell that out, he keeps calm.)

Example:
Mom is 95% done grocery shopping with her toddler. The cart is overflowing with all the needed items. Toddler begins a screaming fit complete with back-arching. Everyone in the store can either hear or see this display. Mom should not stand for this. She should calmly steer the cart to the customer service desk and ask them to hold her items, stating that her child is not acting appropriately in public. She should leave the store, place little screamer in his carseat saying they could not finish shopping. Drive home and time out. Go get the groceries later, or ask Dad to pick up on the way home. Make a point of telling Toddler the next time that they cannot come along because of how they acted. Maybe the next time.

Example:
It's cold. Parents suggest their child wears a coat. Child refuses. Parents do not continue discussion and continue out to the car, on the way to the destination. When the child whines that they are cold, parents simply say "I would be too" or "I bet you are." But nothing else. No lecturing. Repeat if necessary. Do not offer to find a way to keep them warm. Remain calm, talk to others. The next time, your child will remember their coat.

One More Example in This Blog:
Your child forgets their lunch and texts or calls from school. If you want a dependent child who does not grow up responsibly, abandon your coffee date with your friend, leave your office rush to a Subway to get that nutrition to the school in time for that 20 minute lunch window. If you want your child to learn how to be responsible, text back "Bummer". You can agree that it is frustrating when that happens, but if you don't fix it, you will be doing them a huge favor.

There is so much to be said about this topic, I will share more thoughts and examples in later blogs.

Oh, and by the way... the only Example I did not do was to sell the bikes...