Please Fix My Kid

That's what I hear from many parents in so many words. There is something their kid is doing (or not doing) and they need to change. The behavior is unacceptable or annoying and they just need to shape up yesterday!

One kid I met needed fixing because he won't control his anger at home. He will argue, sass, yell, kick and scream. The younger siblings like to antagonize him and mom is at her wit's end. Sure, we can all agree that there is an anger issue to deal with. We did the "counting to ten" and deep, measured breathing exercises. That works while I am there to coach him through it. But the remaining 171 hours of the week? It's up to mom to reinforce and not react. And that's not what happens. He gets angry - she retorts. He hits the window - she yells. He kicks the wall - she threatens. And so the cycle goes. That is one angry kid we need to fix, right?

Wrong. In my master's work I have begun to study family theories. One theory really bursts my finger-pointing bubble. That's the one that looks at a family as a system rather than at the individuals in the family. It looks at how the family members relate to one another and the roles they take on instead. So, rather than trying to "fix" the angry kid, we look at the family as a whole. Doing that gives more insight into how the family operates and sheds light on the anger as well.

In this case, we see that the mom and son have a relationship that consists of yelling back and forth. That is their "normal" - not that it's desirable, it's just how they have become accustomed to relate. Add in other siblings who define themselves as the ones who like to see big brother yelled at - of course they are going to contribute to that fun! Throw in different fathers and a new boyfriend and another layer is added: the children are not the focal point. Yet mom just wants her angry kid fixed so he won't yell. What will it be like at home if he does decide to curb it? Everyone will have to learn a new way of operating in the system. It's entirely possible to do that, and it's also possible for others to change instead, which would help the angry boy define himself differently. But if no one is willing to work consistently on anything, this is the way it's going to stay.

I grew up with a sibling who was identified as the Problem in our family. Boy did they ever need fixing! At least that's how my parents treated things, so I joined in. I was the sister of the Problem. Now that I see that we were also a system, I realize that we defined ourselves based upon the trouble the Problem was causing. They never did stop the trouble, so we were left with a weak family system. When my mom died, the Problem physically left (having defined themselves as the one mom rescued) and never returned. My father remarried, pretending the original family and its members never existed. He created a new family instead. Are you surprised to hear that the new family operated the same as ours had? Yup. There was a "problem" there and everyone rose to mask the issues again.

This is pretty amazing stuff to ponder. So, if you have a kid that needs fixing, try this instead. Look at who is in your family and how they each relate to one another. Sometimes you can bring about change (say in an angry kid) by having someone else change the way they are reacting. If my parents hadn't melted down each time the problem kid got into trouble, perhaps there wouldn't have been so much trouble? At the very least, they could have been a lot less anxious by not allowing that kid to determine their lives. In the case of the mom with the angry son - if she would stop participating, he would lose his audience. Right now she has decided it bothers her greatly but if she would decide to place zero value on it, he would come to realize there has been a relationship change.

Parents who dare to try something new need something besides determination. They need to be consistent. None of this will work if you ping pong and try it here and there. You have to repeat, repeat, repeat and resolve that it is for the good of the family. It's also kind. Rather than teaching a kid that THEY are THE ONE who.... (fill in the blank), we teach the family that we are indeed a system and that each one of us is very important.

If you have learned to live in a pointing, blaming family this will be a huge refocus for you - but so worth it! And, just like I did, you can do this retroactively and put old issues to rest. I hope you have some helpful a-ha moments.

"Reality Discipline"

This is what has defined my parenting philosophy ever since I read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. When my daughter was nearly four years old, I was wandering the aisles in a book store when the title jumped out at me. "That's what I need to know", I mumbled to myself. I finished the book that afternoon.

That was 22 years ago. Not only does the message work, not only have I personally applied this approach to my own children, as a children and family pastor I have taught and shared on this with literally hundreds and hundreds of families across the country. This stuff works!

Perhaps I should ask Dr. Leman for a sales commission?

Here's the summary about what reality discipline is all about: you let life lessons and experiences teach your children while they are still at home under your loving authority. Parents should not hover (helicopter parents), rule autocratically (authoritarian parents) but in a loving relationship guide and direct (authoritative).

"Because I said so" does not teach. Trying to befriend a child does not teach. Hovering does not teach. Okay, yes they do, they "teach" fear, dependence and rebellion. If a parent desires kids who become self-sustaining adults who contribute to society, they need to decide that early on and act appropriately.

In the "reality" scenario, parents make sure the task is known but they do not lecture or berate. They calmly allow life to teach. They do not allow the greater need to usurp the need to teach their children how to act properly. Your momentary inconvenience may be a life-lesson for your developing child.

Example:
Dinner is ready. Call the children to the table once. Begin eating. Anyone who comes late misses dinner. Parents calmly say "Dinner began at 6:00. That's when we eat. Breakfast is at 8:00." No food is available for the tardy kid. No further discussion about the missed meal. Oh, perhaps if the child says they are hungry, the parent could agree. "I bet you are!" But no lectures, no reminding. They won't starve.

Example:
Kids know to put bikes and skateboards away, but they don't do it. One father I know took all three of sons bikes and scooters and donated them to Goodwill. When his boys asked what happened, he calmly told them they had not cared for these items, so they are now gone. (They can save up and buy their own replacements or live without, but Dad does not spell that out, he keeps calm.)

Example:
Mom is 95% done grocery shopping with her toddler. The cart is overflowing with all the needed items. Toddler begins a screaming fit complete with back-arching. Everyone in the store can either hear or see this display. Mom should not stand for this. She should calmly steer the cart to the customer service desk and ask them to hold her items, stating that her child is not acting appropriately in public. She should leave the store, place little screamer in his carseat saying they could not finish shopping. Drive home and time out. Go get the groceries later, or ask Dad to pick up on the way home. Make a point of telling Toddler the next time that they cannot come along because of how they acted. Maybe the next time.

Example:
It's cold. Parents suggest their child wears a coat. Child refuses. Parents do not continue discussion and continue out to the car, on the way to the destination. When the child whines that they are cold, parents simply say "I would be too" or "I bet you are." But nothing else. No lecturing. Repeat if necessary. Do not offer to find a way to keep them warm. Remain calm, talk to others. The next time, your child will remember their coat.

One More Example in This Blog:
Your child forgets their lunch and texts or calls from school. If you want a dependent child who does not grow up responsibly, abandon your coffee date with your friend, leave your office rush to a Subway to get that nutrition to the school in time for that 20 minute lunch window. If you want your child to learn how to be responsible, text back "Bummer". You can agree that it is frustrating when that happens, but if you don't fix it, you will be doing them a huge favor.

There is so much to be said about this topic, I will share more thoughts and examples in later blogs.

Oh, and by the way... the only Example I did not do was to sell the bikes...

Cajoling Parents

One day when I was a Starbucks barista, I was making drinks as usual for customers. A couple with a daughter about age four each ordered a drink for themselves. I rang them up and began making their two drinks. A barista is charged with completing the entire transaction in under 3 minutes.

The entire time I was “cooking”, their daughter was whimpering over and over and over, “I want a hot chocolate. I want a hot chocolate.”

Four times that little girl whined for her hot chocolate, and each time her perturbed parents snapped “no”.

As I finished their drinks, I glanced above the espresso machine and saw the mother with her hands on the little girl’s shoulders bent over, whispering firmly in her ear the way parents do in public when they want to silence embarrassing kid behavior. The whining silenced.

Once I placed the parents’ completed drinks on the hand-off bar, the mother got back in line and ordered a kids hot chocolate.

Sadly, they had caved in after threatening and warning over and over times four.

What message did that send to the little girl who finally got her way?

Kids need consistency. They need to know that “yes” means yes and “no” means no. To reward such manipulative behavior disregards a child’s basic security need to know and learn limits. Parenting isn’t about pleasing kids, it’s about nurturing kids who know how to roll with life’s challenges.

Had the parents merely said in a level tone (without any inflection), “No cocoa today Lullabelle” and turned away, focusing on their adult conversation, the whining would have diminished. The parents would have held a loving, authoritative hand. Coddling their child completely missed the mark of parenting authentically with the goal of raising an a contributing, self-sustaining adult one day.

Instead, they’ve nurtured an on-going project: a person who needs others to affirm her or she won’t “feel happy.”

EEE GAD!

The glorious look of success on the girl’s face as I gave her the drink said it all. The parents thought they’d diminished a fit, their girl knew differently.

For more on what is called "reality discipline", check out Dr. Kevin Leman's best selling book: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.