Cajoling Parents

One day when I was a Starbucks barista, I was making drinks as usual for customers. A couple with a daughter about age four each ordered a drink for themselves. I rang them up and began making their two drinks. A barista is charged with completing the entire transaction in under 3 minutes.

The entire time I was “cooking”, their daughter was whimpering over and over and over, “I want a hot chocolate. I want a hot chocolate.”

Four times that little girl whined for her hot chocolate, and each time her perturbed parents snapped “no”.

As I finished their drinks, I glanced above the espresso machine and saw the mother with her hands on the little girl’s shoulders bent over, whispering firmly in her ear the way parents do in public when they want to silence embarrassing kid behavior. The whining silenced.

Once I placed the parents’ completed drinks on the hand-off bar, the mother got back in line and ordered a kids hot chocolate.

Sadly, they had caved in after threatening and warning over and over times four.

What message did that send to the little girl who finally got her way?

Kids need consistency. They need to know that “yes” means yes and “no” means no. To reward such manipulative behavior disregards a child’s basic security need to know and learn limits. Parenting isn’t about pleasing kids, it’s about nurturing kids who know how to roll with life’s challenges.

Had the parents merely said in a level tone (without any inflection), “No cocoa today Lullabelle” and turned away, focusing on their adult conversation, the whining would have diminished. The parents would have held a loving, authoritative hand. Coddling their child completely missed the mark of parenting authentically with the goal of raising an a contributing, self-sustaining adult one day.

Instead, they’ve nurtured an on-going project: a person who needs others to affirm her or she won’t “feel happy.”

EEE GAD!

The glorious look of success on the girl’s face as I gave her the drink said it all. The parents thought they’d diminished a fit, their girl knew differently.

For more on what is called "reality discipline", check out Dr. Kevin Leman's best selling book: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.