When our daughter was 17, we told her she could have the family van with its 119,000 miles to drive. She shuddered at the thought of driving the van, so we told her she could have the value of it if we could get it sold. The value we got wasn’t enough to buy her beloved dream car – a BMW as old as she was that cost a few thousand more.
She begged and begged to purchase that car. We made her do all kinds of research to learn how much maintenance and upkeep would be. She stated she understood but still pleaded with us to at least go look. Her father took her to see the car, and it was in excellent condition. We agreed to take out a loan for the difference between the cost of the van and the purchase of the BMW. The conditions were that she must pay us $200 per month to cover the loan and the car insurance. She would pay for her own gas, oil, tabs and any maintenance.
For the first few months she was pretty much on time with payments. Then she’d slide by a week or so and we’d give her grace. Then she was a month behind. “I just didn’t get that many hours at work.” We gave her grace again, but told her that was it. In the real world they come and take your car away after three months. She nodded and caught up partially. Then came two more months of missed payments.
Selling her car was such a hard thing to do! It was a beautiful vehicle and having her drive herself everywhere she needed to go was much more convenient for us. In fact, losing her car put an additional three hours of driving on me per day. Friends told me we were nuts – we should just let her drive to school so we would not be so inconvenienced. Not a chance, I told them. I’d rather be inconvenienced so that she could experience the reality of her actions and the reality of our word so that she would become a productive adult. The friends shook their heads at me.
I use this story in every parenting workshop I conduct to encourage parents not to be afraid to take a stand and mean it. Yes it may be hard on us for a time, but the life lesson is well worth an inconvenience. Many parents gasp when they hear what we did and have a look on their faces that says we were too extreme.
The proof is in the results. My daughter is now an adult and tells me that losing her car was the best thing that could have happened to her and that she is so glad we took it away from her. Yes it was worth the extra year in traffic! I’ve got a “big girl” who stands on her own responsible feet and understands the decisions we made were for her good.
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