The World's Most Important Baby

Last week a baby boy with arguably the largest security team ever was born to Britain's Royal Couple. His birth, gender and name had been highly anticipated and diligently chronicled by the entire world. Imagine that? The entire world knows you are going to have a baby and has some level of interest!

This story is born out of the tragedy the young father suffered when his mother was killed before our eyes in a horrific car accident. His parents had divorced and had not even married out of love. 31 years later from the day that awkward young princess stood on the same hospital steps with her newborn son, this man stood lovingly with his arm tenderly guiding the wife he loved and his own new son. The facial expressions couldn't be more telling - or different. Things will be different this time. This child will still of course be in line to the throne, but his parents will be on the same page and he will be surrounded by their mutual love for one another in addition to their love for him.

Don't we like to hear stories where tragedy turns to triumph? This is such a story and it gives us hope as we watch this couple share their joy.

I think God lights off fireworks and holds parades for each newborn on earth - we just can't see it the way he does. Each new birth is the beginning of a new story in the lives of the people connected. It is fresh and pure and if need be, can be a break from the old. Each baby is the most important baby in the world, we just don't have the same jewels or palaces.

When we are blessed to influence a brand-new life, we can let go of old ghosts. How many people tell you something had been done way back to bitter old great grandma and they shrug? They think that is the way is has to be because that is the way it has always been. Ah, but we have the power with God's help to do something about that. I come from a long line of grudge-holders, but that stopped with me when I learned that it is God's job to handle that. Just because your entire family line has never played the piano doesn't mean you can't. We don't need to blame our circumstances or character on anything or anyone in the past.  We can move forward.

This royal baby reminds me of how eager we are to hear something positive and happy. But we can all have this thrill in our own lives, too. Just close your eyes and imagine the fountains and bugles God has set before you as he rejoices in you!

I Didn't Know It Would Be The Last Time

A collection of thoughts from a mother in the throes of realizing that when her youngest goes to boot camp before his senior year in high school, a whole new phase has already begun. 17 years went by far too fast.

My Son, I didn't know it would be the last time that:

-  We'd go to Starbucks and review homework while homeschooling (and you'd be more interested in the light shorting out than a history lesson)

-  You'd beg me for a second ride on the toy airplane ride mounted outside Wal Mart that wiggles for 3 minutes when you put two quarters in the slot

-  The lobster tank in the grocery meat department would fascinate you (and I'd have to pry you away)

-  You would call me Mommie

-  You slipped your hand in mine as we walked through a parking lot

-  Getting tucked in was part of your night time routine

-  You climbed on my lap and held on to the bend of my elbow for comfort

-  We bartered about the number of  items you could pick out while grocery shopping with me

-  You would play with your Legos and Bionicles

-  We couldn't leave Target without a visit to the Toy Department

- You would would be mesmerized by an outdoor fountain and stomp around through the spray

- I had to make you take a shower

- I would find a bouncy ball, small car and a rock in your pants pocket

- You would ask for yet another stretchy rubbery animal

- You would find my stapler and pound away on Post-It notes until it jammed or ran out

- You would have to sit in the back seat

- I would walk you through the parking lot and tell you to watch for cars

- You would be eager to take something apart (#gasgrill)

- Climbing a tree was your day's mission

- We had a thoughtful discussion about what you would bring for Show & Tell (I loved that you told a joke one time in first grade - "Mom, it's show and tell!!")

- The Scooby Do pillow would be on your bed

- You would ask if someone could "come over and play"


As you are learning this summer - it's the small things that make precious memories from home. These are some of the moments etched on my heart. I am so excited for what comes next and all the "firsts" just waiting for you. And for me. You've had about 100 in the past 7 weeks, and I love that the first time you got comedian Steven Wright's humor was in 7th grade!

Moody Blues Clues

Ever get a song "stuck in your head"? You know, where it plays over and over whether you want it to or not? Or, have you been driving and the radio plays a song from 7th grade and you remember the entire scene as if it were unfolding fresh today?

A few years ago while on church staff, a team of adults took half the children's choir to a local senior citizen's care facility to sing Christmas carols. We arrived at the appointed time and were shown the lounge where the children would sing. Then we waited as several dozen medium care seniors were wheeled in, one by one. Some sat upright and alert with tubes attached. Some were slumped over and appeared asleep with tubes attached. Some were clearly bewildered. Every eye looked tired and their frames were withered and weathered.

Watching the seniors being wheeled into a semi-circle and having their tubes and bags adjusted by dutiful aides, my heart ached for them. Most of them seemed quite out of it. A few of them brightened at the sight of the younger kids. I wondered if this was going to mean anything to the seniors and how the kids would react to such a non-traditional audience. I prayed we would be a blessing in some way.

We opened with a song or two from our recent Christmas musical. The kids sang well considering we had no music. Some seniors smiled, most remained unaffected.

Then our parent leader had us sing some classic Christmas carols that had not been part of the musical but are ones that everybody knows. As soon as we began "Away in a Manger" everything changed and a new energy entered the room. Every senior began to sing along with us, their faces lit up and their eyes bright. We kept going with "Jingle Bells", "Deck the Halls" and more. Each song brought out their thin voices and bright smiles all around. The children sensed what had happened, too. It was a memorable hour for all.

That day I learned how powerful words set to music really are, and how they lock themselves within us forever. We might not remember that we remember, but once reminded, all the verses will flow like the song on the radio you haven't heard in forever but can sing right along with. And some songs can bring life and peace into a tired and weary existence. Wow.

What if we sang more character-building messages than we spoke? What if we sang words of comfort and Bible verses? I believe they will come back and bless our children in their futures when least expected. As much as I like old Beatles music, I would much rather a worship song is on the tip of their memory because of what the those words can do.

I once had a tape with old nursery rhyme melodies set to Christian songs for my kids. It's a start. But maybe even "She Loves You Yeah Yeah Yeah" can be a comfort too? They sang it with mommy and daddy after all.

When our son was 4 years old, he heard us cranking up our Moody Blues CD in the living room. We had recently heard them in concert and I had more than enjoyed being the youngest person by far in the audience. He ran into his bedroom and came out ready to dance with us wearing his Blues Clues Halloween costume! Every time I hear "I Know You're Out There Somewhere", I remember that precious night with our earnest little boy.

Go To Your Room! (And clean it)

Years ago I heard a story about a family that had an exchange student. The host mother told the student to go "pick up her room". Some time later the host mom found the perplexed student standing in the middle of her room wondering how she was going to lift it. Ah, the English slang.

One of the great parent debates I've experienced is that of the clean bedroom. After all, rooms must be neat and tidy, mustn't they? A clean room is next to godliness and learning to take care of our belongings is an essential skill in childhood development. And so as soon as they can scoot across the floor we begin teaching our children how to put the plastic truck back in the toy basket. Pretty soon they are in 2nd grade and part of the evening routine is to clean the room before bed and of course their bed must be made in the morning before school.

Too bad it is not that simple.

We have to factor in temperment and later, activity schedules. I was one of those uber tidy kids who actually liked cleaning and arranging my room. I liked to keep it neat so I don't think I was ever even asked to go clean it because it already was. I was neat to a point that when I got done playing with my Barbies, I would dress them back in the original outfits they came in. (That's for another blog.)

Some of that was still in my system when my first child came along. I would put her books and toys back on the shelf in her room in the same place and run her Legos through the dishwasher. Don't worry, this got old pretty quickly, but when your kids are babies the truth is that it's usually mom who keeps the room clean. And it's fun to tend their stuff when they are so little.

Around the age of four I decided to add bed making to our daughter's list of skills. Of course she couldn't fluff and fold like someone five feet taller, and I had read a great parenting book by Dr. Kevin Leman that warned against correcting efforts so I praised her and left the lumps. I naively thought this was going to be a breeze.

I ended up trying every chart, reward system, tip and punishment to get that girl to clean her room all the way through high school. Everything worked. For while. Then the Technique got ADD.

Technique 1: Personally show your child exsactly what to do and where to look. When you follow up and point out what's still under the bed, you will hear "Uh, I forgot."

Technique 2: Write out the definition of a clean room on a card and laminate it. Instead of hearing yourself repeat all the things included in this task, merely point to the card and walk away. This will work very well until your irritated teen takes the card down and throws it away.

Technique 3: Establish a Take-Away box for anything left around the house after they go to bed. If your kid is like mine you'll need a big box. Place each item - no matter what it is and I mean even snow boots and violins - in the box. They have to buy back each item before they can have it back. If they leave an item in there for a few days, introduce the principle of compound interest. This worked well for years, actually. I ended up getting at least one "free" mocha a week and inspiring a whole group of other parents which made my daughter quite unpopular. If you are really brave you can introduce donations at the end of a month and really push the point and decrease clutter.

Technique 4: For the ultra slob, take everything out of their room except the mattress and 2 changes of clothes. Remove the doors too. Tell them they have to earn back their belongings by showing that they care about each item.

Technique 5: Set a day and time that the room must be cleaned up by. Do not allow your child to go anywhere until this goal is accomplished. We said our girl's room must be cleaned like a model home by noon each Saturday. At ten each Saturday I would leave the house and go to a coffee shop and do some studying, leaving my husband and baby to deal with the whining that accompanied our strict rule. If you are going to do this one, be sure and follow through by not letting your child go anywhere or you have defeated the purpose. And whatever you do, don't nag and don't get drawn into discussion.

We alternated between each of these techniques plus a few others until our girl hit 11th grade. The technique I sighed and finally adopted was called "close the door". All we asked is that there be no food in her room and that she keep the door closed at all times because it was a sight to behold. She was terrific about keeping the door closed (but we did find six former bowls of ice cream with the spoons stuck to the sides when we moved the week after graduation).

You wouldn't believe how many parents were aghast that I would be so slack with the clean room requirement. Boy did I get lectures about my own irresponsibility. If they didn't say it they showed their disapproval by the turn of their eyebrows and went home to nit pick on their kid. The one that was going to keep their room clean at the expense of a relationship of trust.

Well, she went off to college and got a neat-freak roommate who must have suffered dearly. Then she lived with other girls who were also comfortable with scattered pizza boxes and ice cream dishes on the floor. Then she shared a housewith people who ate up her food and broke her things. Then she lived alone and ... kept everything neat and clean, not just her bedroom. Then she got married and not only keeps things clean, is a talented decorator.

Who would have thought that the little girl who slept upside down on her bed and wrote in French with Sharpie all over her bedroom door would grow up to organize her kitchen, garden and have a room even dedicated to her art?

Would I do things any differently, knowing the outcome? Nope. Like I used to say to the parents that were convinced I had dropped the ball, if having a messy room is the worst thing my kid does, I have a great kid and I'll just shut the door.

Divorce Dialog

We all know that divorce rates have steadily risen over the past 20 years, and I regularly hear radio shrink Dr. Laura tell callers that a whopping 75% of second marraiges fail. She is a big one to tell divorced parents not to even date until the kids are 18 and "up and out".

Well, I didn't do that. The divorce was final when my girl was 5, I remarried when she was 8. He even adopted her. She's 28 now so do the math.

Going through a divorce with kids is tough because you must remain in contact with that other parent that you no longer wanted a relationship with. The trouble is, you always will have a relationship because that is other parent. It's also the person that at some point you wanted to create a life with. The child should not have to suffer one bit just because of the parents. So the goal is to deal well and partner in your parenting philosophy. That doesn't really happen that often, and it breaks my heart for the children involved.

Are you thinking that I don't know your story or how awful it is for you? In addition to my horror story, I have worked with hundreds of families over the past 15 years. I am a witness for a messy divorce going to trial right now. I think I have a pretty good idea.

With the number of jaw-dropping, heartbreaking stories swirling in my mind, I speak on behalf of the children first. Whether or not a parent is "happy" is not a valid factor in changing where the bedrooms are and how the kids get to school. I'm not even a fan of making sure kids are happy (there are higher concerns - another blog is coming). But keeping kids secure is essential.

They want to know what comes next. When Jon and Kate of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 divorced a few years ago, they left the kids in the house and took turns moving in when it was their custody time. I like that. Why should the kids be the ones to have separate stuff and lug things back and forth? Let the parents pack and unpack instead.

But what about what we say and do when it is our "turn" to have the kids? No matter what the other parent is doing, never never never ever say anything bad about them. Ever. Your kids want to love both of you and if you keep telling them mom is a jerk, they are going to think they have some jerk in them, too. When you deride the other parent, you are condemning your child because they know they came from both of you (adopted or not). I say this all the time: save the venting for your closest friend, your counselor and God. Giving your kids "permission" to love the other parent is one of the greatest things you can do for them.

That does not mean you pretend like the other parent is an angel. You can acknowledge what the kids voice in a way that affirms the situation without adding gas to the fire. Agree that it is sad, tell them you are sorry about what the other parent did and even offer to pray a short prayer.

Example: My ex was supposed to pick up our child for a mid-week scheduled dinner. She got dressed up special and waited. And waited. He never showed, leaving me to hold a sobbing and confused kindergartener in my arms. Oh how I ached for her. Through her tears she asked me why would he do this. "I don't know honey. I'm so sorry he isn't here." Then we prayed that he would think carefully for others and be safe and that God would comfort her.

Example: Your kid comes home and shares all of the bad-mouthing going on about you at the other house. It's real nasty and there is no truth to it. Don't defend yourself. Sit with them and calmly them how sad you are to learn that they had to hear such unkind words. Ask your child what they think. Chances are they will tell you they didn't believe what they had heard. Then pray with your child for protection for their ears, and that the other people would learn to speak nicely and with truth. You  haven't said a nasty thing. You've been comforting and loving. You have lifted the situation to God. You have also taught your young child that they have discernment.

Things were so bad in my situation that I had to teach my daughter a prayer to repeat "in her head" over and over when she was with her dad. It was good to teach her to pray on her own, but the reasons why were disturbing. That prayer was with her when she needed it. When I wasn't right there to know what was going on. She learned to communicate with God without parental prompting.

This comforted me knowing she was being comforted by the ultimate one who loved her more than I fiercely did.

By affirming that our kids have two parents, insisting that they show respect for both and teaching them to look to God, we are equipping them for a life that includes divorce on their resume.  In the process, we learn to look to God more, too.

Same Page Parenting

Those Hallmark Holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be hard on those who have either lost a parent or have a non-parent instead of the one majestically described on the card. It can also be hard if you are the spouse of someone who has disappointed you in their parenting. Perhaps they continue to blow it with your kids and here you are living with that day in and day out. You've said something now and then and even put a book under their nose, but they continue to behave the way they want and now you see your kids getting affected.

So what do you do when you live this kind of life? Where you are reminded of how good things could be when you see how other couples parent together? Why can't your mate get synchronized - don't they care how this affects the future of the kids? Don't they know this is crushing you?

First of all, accept the fact that this is the way it is. Not that you should give up hope, but take a deep breath and step into the reality that this may be the way it always will be. Determine that you are going to go through this as "God's good girl/boy" and do the right things in his eyes for the sake of your children.

In my first marriage, my then husband was a non-existent father to our two-year old. I provided all the care, clothing, food, bathing, activities and safety. Oh we all lived in the same house, he was just gone "at work" all the time. It got so bad that if the three of us did go somewhere together, she directed all her conversation at me because that is what she was used to. Was I bitter? You bet. Sure I wanted him to actually be a father, and I also wanted some help. I was exhausted every night. He wouldn't get home until well past her bedtime, so every routine was ours and ours alone. I finally got the idea to start thanking God that I was the "only" parent. I would thank him at dinner, at the bath tub and at the bedside. I would thank him after she went to sleep and start all over the next day.

At first I was stubbornly thanking God and I really didn't feel all that thankful. So I admitted that, too. But I kept at it. Pretty soon I was enjoying the routines and I wasn't so wiped out anymore. After all, we did have a darling kid who was fun to be with. I was delighted to be a mother. After while I didn't even thank God for being alone anymore because it wasn't foremost on my radar. I had accepted the sad fact and carved out balance as best as I could.

When you accept the situation, you are freed up. Your focus changes and those rough, snappy edges are filed down. You find peace. You can actually go about life without thinking you are crippled or wounded even if you are. You can grow in other ways and be a contributing person in spite of - or even because of - that huge disappointment or loss.

Because of the actual joy I learned to experience while parenting alone in a marriage, when it sadly came to divorce a few years later, we didn't miss him in the house. He hadn't participated in our every day lives or routines so there were no reminders of what daddy used to do that hurt or haunted us. I had already forgiven him for his non-parenting. (Forgiving the rest of what he did isn't just another blog, it's a book!)

My story is kind of extreme, but the acceptance and letting go lessons can apply to less severe situations too. Finally, hold your tongue and resist the urge to school them. You've already tried that and it didn't work. Just continue to parent the way you know best without lecture or comment. So they forget the coats. The kids whining about being cold will teach him more than you fretting. So what if you spot the better parking space? Let them pick and you button it. Do you really want your kids' memories to be that of you nagging?

Kids see the truth. No one needs to tell them. The parent who won't parent with you will reap the consequences later when their teen comes to you to talk and not them. If that parent asks you why, don't answer that question. Gently suggest they go ask your teen instead. So you might be the only parent your kid is close to. One non-nagging, non-bitter parent trying to follow God is better than none. I believe God honors the intent and fervent prayers of these parents.

So now you have accepted and forgiven. Good job! Now you can go enjoy the stability you are providing your kids and continue to pray that the influence they get from your family impacts their lives positively.

Rest in the knowledge that God loves your babies even more than you do and he more than joins you in desiring his best for them.

If they ask you about the other parent, don't disparage them. Refer them to that parent. Example:
"Mama why doesn't Daddy go to church with us?" Answer, "That would be nice, wouldn't it sweetie?""Why do you think so, Mama?" Answer, "You'll have to ask Daddy." Stay calm and neutral. Or as I call it in parenting workshops be "valium girl" - acting far more chill than you really are at the moment.

Save your venting for a close friend and never within earshot of your kids. Remember, they want to love both parents without condemnation. Giving them the freedom to do that is good for their hearts - and their souls.

More Than One Hour Each Week

167 hours. Minus the one hour on Sunday when your kid might be in Sunday School, that's what you've got at home each week to influence your child for God. Subtracting five 8-hour school days, you're left with 127. Hopefully they sleep at least 8 hours each night, so that puts you at 87 hours. Not bad.

1 vs. 87.

If we rely only on that one hour at church each weekend to deeply impact our children, we're fooling ourselves.

Most kids are in public school and endure forty hours of influence. They are learning more than what is taught by the teacher and developing filters and assessments they wouldn't even think to articulate. They just think it is a part of going to school and doing life.

So what do we do?

We find ways to weave God's truth into everyday lives in everyday moments. We ask God to make us aware and alert, something every ancient Hebrew family knew by heart:

"Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, The Lord alone. And you must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

Aiming to teach our kids that God loves us is our highest calling. Placing enough information and experience in their lives so that they decide for themselves to follow God is more important than dance lessons and soccer teams. They can always do that, but their hearts won't always be open and we can't recapture those natural, teachable moments to show our kids the power and awe and truth of God.

Not a Bible scholar? No problem. Neither were those Hebrew parents. They just taught a few verses over and over! Now we have all kinds of resources to equip us, starting with the Bible. Be assured that when Jesus said "let the little children come to me" he wasn't only talking about kids. Admit what you don't know and try your best, God always honors that. And bit by bit, you will be surprised at what you have learned and shared. A friend of mine didn't think she knew enough, either but her desire was to train her young girls. Guess what? She lead them both to accept Christ. That nervous mom trusted God to make her words make sense. Today she confidently continues to share God's truth and is growing with her kids. God loves your children more than you do, remember that.

So what are some simple teachable moments?
- Looking at the stars, tell the story of God's promise to Abraham
- Driving in the car, notice other drivers' behavior and pray for them
- Teach them to pray every time they ride their bike or use scissors
- Start and end the day with short, simple prayers
- Pray aloud for every siren you hear, for the people who need help, for safety
- Notice the details in the changing seasons and share how God has ordered the world
- When coloring, comment on the name of the color and how God made the colors
- Create a "thankful jar" and collect notes for a month, then read as a family
- While listening to the news, pause the radio or TV and pray for what is going on
- Hold the door for others, put trash in public waste cans
- Enjoy pictures of unusal creatures and talk about how God made them all - He made us!
- When correcting wrong behaviour, let them know they also need to apologize to God
- Let them see you honoring their other parent

All of these ideas are what I call "by the way" acts. You were already doing it or going there, so why not just add a sentence or a phrase about God? I like to listen to the Dr. Laura radio program in the car and I can't tell you how many great chats her calls have inspired between me and my kids. None of this requires an extra bit of schedule, just a bit of effort to stop and call attention to God in our everyday lives. Pretty soon it will be a habit and before you know it, you will have added years of meaningful influence to your child's growing soul.

Then, that one hour on Sunday is adding to the foundation you have already laid and you can partner with your children's ministry team for even greater impact.