We all know that divorce rates have steadily risen over the past 20 years, and I regularly hear radio shrink Dr. Laura tell callers that a whopping 75% of second marraiges fail. She is a big one to tell divorced parents not to even date until the kids are 18 and "up and out".
Well, I didn't do that. The divorce was final when my girl was 5, I remarried when she was 8. He even adopted her. She's 28 now so do the math.
Going through a divorce with kids is tough because you must remain in contact with that other parent that you no longer wanted a relationship with. The trouble is, you always will have a relationship because that is other parent. It's also the person that at some point you wanted to create a life with. The child should not have to suffer one bit just because of the parents. So the goal is to deal well and partner in your parenting philosophy. That doesn't really happen that often, and it breaks my heart for the children involved.
Are you thinking that I don't know your story or how awful it is for you? In addition to my horror story, I have worked with hundreds of families over the past 15 years. I am a witness for a messy divorce going to trial right now. I think I have a pretty good idea.
With the number of jaw-dropping, heartbreaking stories swirling in my mind, I speak on behalf of the children first. Whether or not a parent is "happy" is not a valid factor in changing where the bedrooms are and how the kids get to school. I'm not even a fan of making sure kids are happy (there are higher concerns - another blog is coming). But keeping kids secure is essential.
They want to know what comes next. When Jon and Kate of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 divorced a few years ago, they left the kids in the house and took turns moving in when it was their custody time. I like that. Why should the kids be the ones to have separate stuff and lug things back and forth? Let the parents pack and unpack instead.
But what about what we say and do when it is our "turn" to have the kids? No matter what the other parent is doing, never never never ever say anything bad about them. Ever. Your kids want to love both of you and if you keep telling them mom is a jerk, they are going to think they have some jerk in them, too. When you deride the other parent, you are condemning your child because they know they came from both of you (adopted or not). I say this all the time: save the venting for your closest friend, your counselor and God. Giving your kids "permission" to love the other parent is one of the greatest things you can do for them.
That does not mean you pretend like the other parent is an angel. You can acknowledge what the kids voice in a way that affirms the situation without adding gas to the fire. Agree that it is sad, tell them you are sorry about what the other parent did and even offer to pray a short prayer.
Example: My ex was supposed to pick up our child for a mid-week scheduled dinner. She got dressed up special and waited. And waited. He never showed, leaving me to hold a sobbing and confused kindergartener in my arms. Oh how I ached for her. Through her tears she asked me why would he do this. "I don't know honey. I'm so sorry he isn't here." Then we prayed that he would think carefully for others and be safe and that God would comfort her.
Example: Your kid comes home and shares all of the bad-mouthing going on about you at the other house. It's real nasty and there is no truth to it. Don't defend yourself. Sit with them and calmly them how sad you are to learn that they had to hear such unkind words. Ask your child what they think. Chances are they will tell you they didn't believe what they had heard. Then pray with your child for protection for their ears, and that the other people would learn to speak nicely and with truth. You haven't said a nasty thing. You've been comforting and loving. You have lifted the situation to God. You have also taught your young child that they have discernment.
Things were so bad in my situation that I had to teach my daughter a prayer to repeat "in her head" over and over when she was with her dad. It was good to teach her to pray on her own, but the reasons why were disturbing. That prayer was with her when she needed it. When I wasn't right there to know what was going on. She learned to communicate with God without parental prompting.
This comforted me knowing she was being comforted by the ultimate one who loved her more than I fiercely did.
By affirming that our kids have two parents, insisting that they show respect for both and teaching them to look to God, we are equipping them for a life that includes divorce on their resume. In the process, we learn to look to God more, too.
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