Divorce Dialog

We all know that divorce rates have steadily risen over the past 20 years, and I regularly hear radio shrink Dr. Laura tell callers that a whopping 75% of second marraiges fail. She is a big one to tell divorced parents not to even date until the kids are 18 and "up and out".

Well, I didn't do that. The divorce was final when my girl was 5, I remarried when she was 8. He even adopted her. She's 28 now so do the math.

Going through a divorce with kids is tough because you must remain in contact with that other parent that you no longer wanted a relationship with. The trouble is, you always will have a relationship because that is other parent. It's also the person that at some point you wanted to create a life with. The child should not have to suffer one bit just because of the parents. So the goal is to deal well and partner in your parenting philosophy. That doesn't really happen that often, and it breaks my heart for the children involved.

Are you thinking that I don't know your story or how awful it is for you? In addition to my horror story, I have worked with hundreds of families over the past 15 years. I am a witness for a messy divorce going to trial right now. I think I have a pretty good idea.

With the number of jaw-dropping, heartbreaking stories swirling in my mind, I speak on behalf of the children first. Whether or not a parent is "happy" is not a valid factor in changing where the bedrooms are and how the kids get to school. I'm not even a fan of making sure kids are happy (there are higher concerns - another blog is coming). But keeping kids secure is essential.

They want to know what comes next. When Jon and Kate of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 divorced a few years ago, they left the kids in the house and took turns moving in when it was their custody time. I like that. Why should the kids be the ones to have separate stuff and lug things back and forth? Let the parents pack and unpack instead.

But what about what we say and do when it is our "turn" to have the kids? No matter what the other parent is doing, never never never ever say anything bad about them. Ever. Your kids want to love both of you and if you keep telling them mom is a jerk, they are going to think they have some jerk in them, too. When you deride the other parent, you are condemning your child because they know they came from both of you (adopted or not). I say this all the time: save the venting for your closest friend, your counselor and God. Giving your kids "permission" to love the other parent is one of the greatest things you can do for them.

That does not mean you pretend like the other parent is an angel. You can acknowledge what the kids voice in a way that affirms the situation without adding gas to the fire. Agree that it is sad, tell them you are sorry about what the other parent did and even offer to pray a short prayer.

Example: My ex was supposed to pick up our child for a mid-week scheduled dinner. She got dressed up special and waited. And waited. He never showed, leaving me to hold a sobbing and confused kindergartener in my arms. Oh how I ached for her. Through her tears she asked me why would he do this. "I don't know honey. I'm so sorry he isn't here." Then we prayed that he would think carefully for others and be safe and that God would comfort her.

Example: Your kid comes home and shares all of the bad-mouthing going on about you at the other house. It's real nasty and there is no truth to it. Don't defend yourself. Sit with them and calmly them how sad you are to learn that they had to hear such unkind words. Ask your child what they think. Chances are they will tell you they didn't believe what they had heard. Then pray with your child for protection for their ears, and that the other people would learn to speak nicely and with truth. You  haven't said a nasty thing. You've been comforting and loving. You have lifted the situation to God. You have also taught your young child that they have discernment.

Things were so bad in my situation that I had to teach my daughter a prayer to repeat "in her head" over and over when she was with her dad. It was good to teach her to pray on her own, but the reasons why were disturbing. That prayer was with her when she needed it. When I wasn't right there to know what was going on. She learned to communicate with God without parental prompting.

This comforted me knowing she was being comforted by the ultimate one who loved her more than I fiercely did.

By affirming that our kids have two parents, insisting that they show respect for both and teaching them to look to God, we are equipping them for a life that includes divorce on their resume.  In the process, we learn to look to God more, too.

To Emote or Not?

One of the most frequently voiced concerns I hear from parents centers on how much emotion our kids should see. Should we cry in front of our kids? Should we mask our grief or worries? Shouldn't we protect our children from our tears and fears?

If we check out the Bible, God says a few things about the role of parents. He also includes illustrations of family scenarios - many that did not turn out well for future generations. But we know He values parents and even includes the respect for parents in his top ten list. We know He desires us to teach and train. We know He desires that each one choose to follow His Way. So, does that mean we do all of this with a fake smile?

I don't think so. Since the Bible includes so many family stories that did not turn out well, yet everyone was used for God's ultimate purpose, I believe that God wants us to be real in our everyday lives. Tempered. If we mask and hide our emotions completely, our children will not know how to manage their own feelings and reactions. They won't be prepared to be a fully functioning autonomous adult, and that's sure my goal.

This does not mean I will overshare or burden my kids, either. I grew up with a worried mother who over-shared with me, which created anxiety in me. With some kids, this can make them think they need to be the one to fix things. I've had friends whose parents never batted an eye in front of them when they were kids. (Yes, they rebelled like crazy later on.)I've known people who have had to tip-toe around a parental mood, or have grown up far too young to parent the siblings because of what was going on. These stories are all too common.

What if there is a death or divorce or other major loss? How should we act?

Kids know and sense more than they are given credit for, so I think they should be respected and let in on what's going on emotionally to certain degrees. It's okay if they see mommy crying one afternoon. "Mommy is so sad right now because she misses Grandma. Please come give me a hug." As long as the tears are not all day from bed for season after season, kids will learn that even parents have feelings.

We can let our kids know why we are sad, and then even pray with them. "We miss the baby that was in Mommy's tummy but know she is with Jesus." "It hurts so bad that we cannot keep our house, but we trust God to show us the way." Here's something I said often to my five year old during a hard divorce: "Oh, Daddy said that? I'm so sorry. Let's pray that he sees how much Jesus loves him."

I even think it is okay to be carefully honest. "Daddy wanted to be with other ladies." All delivered age-appropriately. We are here to help our kids develop a framework for the tough stuff in life, so we must be responsible with how we speak. I've seen parents demand understanding from their kids. "My back has hurt for months and YOU BETTER leave me alone right now!!" I've seen parents keep their own pain going as its own entity. One weeping woman I met at a retreat was sobbing and sobbing because of her divorce. Trying to comfort her, I asked her how long she had been divorced. Through a flood of new tears she stammered "Seven years."

While I think we should show our pain (carefully), our kids also need to see us get it back together. The younger the kid, the more important that is. Remember, one day in their little lives is full and extended. A teen can let you regroup for a day or two, but no one will handle on-going mourning. They also need us to point back to our trust in God during a difficult time. They will remember this when they are adults...or parents.

I do not have memories of parents handling grief well. At least not modeling anything for me. Lots of outbursts, shut doors and no discussion. My husband lost a brother and sister in a tragic accident when he was in eighth grade and no one ever said a thing to each other, much less held each other and cried. We've dealt with our family grief more openly. The last thing I want is for a child to stuff emotion and nurse bitterness or anxiety.

Insofar as I have been aware, I have kept it balanced and real without destroying our kids' security.

Quite the delicate balance.