A Box of Rocks

When I was in second grade, school budgets included teaching the arts. We had a music teacher who came into our class several times each week in order to teach us music fundamentals. Something North American children born in the past 30 years would know nothing about.

One week our musically trained teacher was teaching our class about rhythm. She toted in a crate of beautiful tambourines - enough for just about every one of the 28 kids in the room. She began passing out the tambourines, and each recipient marveled at the shiny metal clapper things and the taut drum-like surface. I remember eagerly waiting at my desk to receive the one for me. I must have been sitting off to the side, because shortly before she reached me, the music teacher informed the class that there weren't quite enough for everyone. Some of us would be using an alternative, but that would work just as well.

The remaining 3 second graders - me included - were given empty individual milk cartons taped shut with rocks inside. You can imagine our disappointment and no, the clunking rocks in the wax cartons sounded nothing like the glorious tinkles made by the 25 nice and new tambourines. All three of us frowned and barely jiggled our milk cartons during the lesson. Our regular teacher rose from her desk and scolded us for not being better participants. The other 25 kids snickered at us.

That was my music introduction as a young child. While it certainly wasn't fun, I went on to become an average flute and piccolo player for awhile. Don't ask me about guitar.

Fast forward to when I became a mom.

I wanted each of my kids to have a better experience early on so I signed them up for the church Christmas musical and/or the school's Christmas performance. They were taught by people enthusiastic about music and children. They learned to sing, be part of a group, rehearse and perform. They each only did it for a couple of years and by the time they were the age when I got that magical box of rocks, their interest had waned. They had fun rehearsing in the car and with the group, and those songs "got stuck" in their heads.

The other day I had the good fortune to attend a children's Christmas concert at a large church. The kids were in several choirs and interchanged on the stage for an hour. There was even a hand bell choir - I'd never heard one of those before but I know handbells are difficult to play. Video screens allowed the audience to see close-ups of bright eyes, sweet lips, chubby cheeks and noses getting picked. We saw fidgeters, big hair bows and special Christmas attire. The children were between age 4 and 10. None of them were mine or even friends' of mine. They were just sweet, innocent and trusting. It was wonderful to both watch and listen... and wonder about their futures. I teared up as I always do when I see groups of kids earnestly performing and said silent prayers for blessings for their futures.

Every young child should participate in at least one Christmas concert. Even if they are less than musically inclined, they can enjoy their contributions as well as the music. They can create memories not only for themselves, but for their friends and family members tapping away on their smart phones to capture the moments.

As I sat admiring this group of scrubbed, shiny-cheeked youngsters, I thought back on my two babies and how many times we heard each song as they practiced. I remembered my delight in purchasing a new Christmas outfit and giggling from the audience when they were off on gestures or lost attention. My girl at age 3 was reaching her little arms to the sky as an angel when she noticed the sparkly polish on her fingernails and became mesmerized. She turned to the little girl next to her and they both forgot about the performance and marveled at those fingernails. It cracked the entire audience up and made the event even more special for everyone. I will always treasure that moment in my heart. It passed all too quickly.

There were many other children in the audience enjoying the performance, including toddlers who were spellbound every time the music started up. Music reaches deep within each one of us and touches our hearts. How wonderful to have uplifting music flowing through our memories. In today's fast-paced, technologically-driven world, a bit of exposure to tradition goes a long way.

The Real Missing Piece

One of my favorite children's books is by Shel Silverstein, called The Missing Piece. It's the story of an almost-circle traveling around looking for a pie-shaped wedge that will complete him. 

There are many ways to interpret this analogy, but have you thought about it like this?

Ever heard the saying that there is a space within the soul of every child that only God can fill? While they are young, that space is open and kids are most receptive to learn about him. As they grow, the space shrinks and they lose the innocent trust that was once waiting within. Statistics tell us that the chance of a child developing a faith relationship with Christ reduces by huge percentages by the time they graduate high school. 

In fact, the magic number is closer to nine years of age. Those first nine years lay the foundation for how a child interprets faith the rest of his life. It doesn't mean they can't have a relationship, it just tells us how they will understand it. Statistician George Barna outlines the need for families and churches to value those early years with solid teaching in his book, Raising Spiritual Champions. I recommend that every parent, pastor and Sunday School teacher read this and take heed. Capitalize, if you will, on the openness of those first nine years.

The other day I was working with a six-year-old little boy and his mother. He has several behavioral learning disabilities and is smart as a whip. Because of his behavior, he spent most of kindergarten in the "lockout room" removed from the rest of his class. Now he's in first grade in a special school for "those kind of kids". I work with him on his self-control and encourage him in social skills. He is doing great. He has demonstrated a strong singing voice but when I suggested to his mom that she sign him up for a church kids choir, she shook her head and told me they don't "do church". Back to the other day. He had just completed his  "All About Me Poster" and we were all talking. As we talked, he embellished his poster.

I noticed that he was making what looked like the capital letter "T" (his penmanship is a bit rough) but actually looked more like crosses. Nonchalantly, I tapped his poster and said "what are those?" He paused and soberly looked up at me and said "Those are crosses. Don't you know? The guy who died on the cross?!" He couldn't believe I hadn't heard. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms. God was at work in this little guy's heart and he was taking in whatever he could get. This little fellow just needs his missing piece.

Casually, I told the mom about my theory of the missing piece and this time she listened. She wanted to go to a "cool church" so I told her just the one to try that is for people who "don't do church". There's even a slide in the kids area. Guess what? She was intrigued!

Every child has a place within just waiting to be filled by Christ. As parents, it is our primary responsibility to see that it is. Smart churches have the staff and programming in place not only to teach the kids, but coach the parents, too. I cannot count how many parents have told me they feel inadequate to teach their children about God. My response is always the same. "Perfect!"

Say what?! That's just where God wants each of us. Open and teachable. That's why churches exist - to equip us on our journeys - so that we in turn can impact others. Learn right along with your kids if you are new to all of this - that's what many parents I've worked with have done. A lot of them sign up to help in a Sunday School class because they are learning as they prepare as well as when they spend time with the kids. If you have never stepped inside a kids class on a Sunday, try it. You will be amazed at what they say and what they ask. At every age.

The point is to be intentional with the spiritual teaching your children are getting. They need to know what it means that God loves them and how it came to be that they can have a relationship with him because of his son Jesus Christ. It is the most important teaching they will ever get and it is on-going. The sooner they begin learning this, the stronger they will be as they navigate the challenges of growing up. A good church can help you guide your child to find her "missing piece" and help you help them grow.

To Santa or Not to Santa?

One of my favorite Christmas films of all time that never fails to put me in the "Christmas spirit" is the 1947 movie form 20th Century-Fox: Miracle on 34th Street. It's a story of a single mother jaded by miracles who has taught her little girl to be reasonable and never use her imagination. The mom is the producer of the famous Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and ends up having to a hire a new Santa Claus at the last minute. Kris Kringle is in the right place at the right time. He brings some new thinking to their lives.

This sweet story became a surprise hit and was nominated for a Best Picture Oscar in 1948. It won three Academy Awards (two for writing and Best Supporting Actor). In 2006, it ranked #9 on the American Film Institute's list of 100 Most Inspiring Movies of All Time. It stars Maureen O'Hara, a young Natalie Wood as her daughter and Edmund Gwenn as Kris Kringle (Best Supporting Actor and he wasn't even the first choice for the part!).  The fact that it was a Christmas film was initially kept under wraps because the studio released it in the summer to capture the larger movie-going audience. The parade scenes in the movie are from the actual 1946 parade and guess who was the parade Santa that year? Yup, Edmund Gwenn. The scenes from the Macy's store are also filmed in the actual NYC flagship store. When the film was released, Macy stores actually closed for a half day so that all 12,000 employees could go see the first showing. There have been a number of remakes since 1947, but none so charming as the original.

Every year after Thanksgiving, our family sits down to enjoy the story once again. It puts perspective on Santa Claus. I'm not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it. Watch it and see for yourself. It can even be a spring board for talking about Santa with your children.

Which brings me to one of the controversial parenting questions I hear. Should we teach our children about Santa Claus? There are two extremes I've seen. The families that go all-out for Santa, ignoring the birth of Christ completely and teaching their kids Santa is real and ever-watching and they "had better be good or he'll find out." They show their kids the websites where you can contact Santa and call NORAD on Christmas Eve. No Nativity scenes or angels for them - but snowmen are okay. Then there's the other end of the spectrum where Santa has no part of a "real" Christmas, it's "a pagan idea" along with the Christmas tree. The holiday is solely about the birth of Christ and that's it.

I think both approaches miss something, and in our family and others that we know there is a blending as sweet as the Miracle on 34th Street movie. We decorate for Christmas with a tree containing ornaments collected each year that have unique meanings. Just setting up the tree sparks many happy memories and conversations. This tradition has become even more important the older our kids get. We hang up stockings that I made. Oh my has my handiwork and style evolved over the years! There are even stockings for our pets. Some years we have lights and boughs outside, some years we set up our Christmas village. When the kids were little, I displayed their pictures with Santa.

Yes, I said Santa. I took my kids each year - dressed in their nicest outfits - to have a picture taken with the mall Santa. It was fun to see how the kids had grown from year to year. So I took them to Santa for the picture. And I told my kids that many families tell their children that Santa brings presents while they sleep on Christmas Eve. He travels the world with his toy-packed sleigh led by flying reindeer. I presented this as an idea, not a fact. Our kids learned that long ago there was a real man who loved to give presents to children and his name was Saint Nicholas. Over the years, that name has morphed into Santa Claus and created an entire industry. We left presents out on behalf of Santa (now we fill stockings) but they always knew who was really behind it. It was just nostalgic fun. And we instructed the kids never to talk about Santa with other kids, because their families might be teaching them he is real. They kept their mouths shut and enjoyed our entire Christmas.

A great children's book you can use with your family that discusses Santa, Saint Nicholas and Jesus is Santa Are You For Real? by Harold Myra. It echoes what I am talking about.

The main focus for us was and is the celebration of Christ's birth. We focus on giving, not getting. Each child got 3 gifts just like Jesus did. We attend church and re-read Christ's birth story from the Bible. We play a variety of music - from traditional carols to worship songs. One of our favorite songs is "Mary Did You Know?" It never ceases to bring tears of awe. If you Google it, you can find links to a number of versions to listen to (Kathy Mattea does it for us).

Call us blenders. We've taken different elements and created our own traditions. Since Chrstmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, he's our focus. Every year, it gets less about stuff and more about  celebrating as we enjoy time with those we love.

"We Have to Cut Back This Christmas"

I've heard this statement many times over the past six years - ever since the economy tanked and unemployment soared. People with fantastic resumes, solid careers and stellar experience in any number of fields found themselves victims of downsizing and competing with teens for entry level Target jobs at an 80% cut in pay just to literally keep bread on the table.

These families have been hit hard. With the job loss comes the threat of bankruptcy, foreclosure or both. We live in one of the hardest hit counties in our state and know dozens of families whose lives have taken severe turns in the past few years. They've lost homes, vehicles, businesses and retirement funds while struggling to raise their children at a time when the cost of living only continues to rise. Their children continue to need to eat, outgrow winter coats and see the dentist. They want their children to continue to participate in sports or recreation programs or music lessons. All of this costs money they no longer have so much of.

The people I know that fear the sheriff's notice on the door are hard working and continue to job hunt. They have cut back on themselves while putting any extra pennies toward those dance lessons or soccer uniforms. Target and other big box retailers no longer have to worry about finding good people to hire - the options are endless. A local bank president dignifiedly donned his red shirt and khakis when his institution folded overnight. A bank president.

So as parents, what do we do at Christmas time when the media bombards us with all the gift giving magic we're supposed to experience? The BMW commercial with the car at the front door and the ginormous red bow? The fruit commercial where even your mailman gets this special array? The end-caps with holiday packaged pump soap and plastic bags? Everywhere we turn we are "told" to celebrate by spending and getting.

Not only is this the time for financially strapped parents to take a step back and evaluate how they approach gifting, I think it's the time for every family to retool.

For the struggling families - even those who receive state or non-profit "Christmas assistance" to "gift" the kids - think about this. Why pretend all is well when it isn't? The number of parents who insist on flooding their kids with gallons of gifts they can't afford stuns me. It is okay to have a careful Christmas. When I share this thought, people look at me strangely. So I repeat myself.

I think it is okay to gently share the financial reality with your kids. You do not overburden them, but you certainly can let them know what you can afford. Just make the statement simple and remain calm. "Everyone is going to get 2 presents. One will be something they need and one will be a toy." If you have to worry that your kids won't be happy or have a "good" Christmas based upon the number or value of their presents, you have been teaching the wrong message.

Contrary to the media's message, Christmas is not about Santa and "what you want". (Ever watched a toddler more fascinated with the unwrapping than the actual gift?) It's not about how many things you open or how much money is spent. It is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus Christ (The Savior we sing about in Christmas carols - that guy). The trees, the gifts, the food -- that is all just culturally added stuff. If you teach your kids that it is Jesus's birthday party, you're on the right track. I know people who actually bake cupcakes with their kids to make the point. When our kids were little, we limited each child to three gifts to mimic the three gifts Jesus received from each traveling Wise Man. We filled stockings with all kinds of goodies, but as the kids aged we changed the contents to more silly items and candy rather than more gift cards.

Each year, we have tried to participate in some form of reaching out to those less fortunate than us. Even on the years when we were the less fortunate ones. Six years ago we became one of those families I began this blog talking about. Six years ago we were forced to change our Christmas even further. Six years ago we became free of stuff, more resilient to the media and have delighted in the best Christmases ever.

Christmas became family-focused on our memories, food and time together. We have anticipated and enjoyed wonderful meals and cut back on gifts even further. A well-thought out ornament is more meaningful than another "thing" to dust. Making a quilt or crafting something from Pinterest is far more personal than a mall item. There is no "what-do-I-get-them" stress, cuz we don't. We were primed for this because we had already been taking baby steps.

Baby steps? We stopped sending cards over a decade ago - they're just too expensive with postage. Even longer ago we pulled our kids out of the extended family gift exchanges because we didn't want them getting more stuff. We wanted them to develop the ability to appreciate simple gestures, not drowning under wrapping paper. Sometimes we even combined birthday and Christmas gifts into one item that further enhanced our goal.

Our result? A happy, stress-free Christmas season culminating with a wonderful celebration of Christ's birth.  We use the time we aren't in the malls or fighting for parking spaces to do something simple together. Like decorate the tree, make cookies, or laugh at a TV show. Our kids value memories over stuff and we have no apologies or regrets.

Oh, and one year I even dared myself not to do a tree! Guess what? It was still Christmas here.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy

Are you familiar with the animated TV show Family Guy? I'm not. Just the commercial where little Stewie stands in a doorway saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama." His irritated mother sighs, "What?"

"Hi." That's all he wanted to say. Just hi. But he hammered away to get her attention first.

Most of us have probably felt exhausted from similar demands from our smaller kids. I know that's why I laugh at this commercial now. In fact my senior son and I have turned it into a joke.

Have you ever been at a friend's house engaged in a serious conversation when one of their kids trots into the room and asks for something? Perhaps even something they could do for themselves. "May I eat a carrot?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Will you pour me some water?" Anything like these I say they should be able to do for themselves. But I've seen the mom go get that carrot, interrupting the synch of our conversation at the same time scolding that kid she is talking with another adult.

What about when a sibling tumbles in and says the other one won't let them play the Wii? Or tattles about the mean face that was made? The mom marches to the foot of the stairs and calls out for all the kids to play nice, then returns to you with a sigh. A few minutes later both of these scenarios are repeated only this time it's too close to dinner so absolutely no snack. As they pour their own water, the mom says to you "Just a sec - Hey!! Don't spill on my clean floor!" then returns to the disjointed conversation.

Some moms can tell the future so they lecture ahead of time. You are on the phone this time and she pulls away to tell the kids they had better not drop those towels on the floor like the last time. Or, they see their kid doing a craft and have to tell them this very minute that the glue should be dotted like this instead.

All the while, you are waiting patiently to continue the conversation but by now you have lost your train of thought. The mom complains about how needy her kids are and how she can't get much done because of them.

She doesn't realize she has created all of this by the way they micromanage or hover. I like to call it helicopter  parenting. Always there, aware of everything going on and ready to direct, fix or opine. It's one of the worst things we can do as parents. Offering to guide and narrate everything going on in the house - or in their lives. When will it be okay for these kids to begin to make their own decisions? Are they going to wait until driver's ed class?

Start with the little things and build. Tell your kids they can play the Wii for whatever period of time you pick and that they have to work out their own turns. Then step out of it and go do something else. If one of them comes to tell on the other, calmly turn off the game. Repeat each time until they get the idea that their time with the Wii is their time - not yours to supervise. I believe kids as young as 5 should learn how to pour water and get simple snacks. Rather than teaching them to ask mother bird for every worm, establish guidelines where they have the freedom to serve themselves according to your household rules. If they don't follow, they don't get to do it next time.

Most moms will agree that as soon as they begin talking on the phone or visiting with another adult, their kids flock to their side suddenly in dire need to say something. Here's a simple "Interruption Technique" I like to teach. When your child has something to say, they come and stand quietly next to you and tap you gently on the arm, and wait. You continue to talk, but tap your child back on their arm. The "code" you just used without saying a thing was that he has something to say and you are  acknowledging him, and when you are done with your sentence he will be addressed. Kids love hearing they get to have a code with you! And if you are upbeat when you teach this, they'll follow. Tell them how great they are doing and you've just nipped a major chunk of interruptions out of your future.

Snot Moms and Your ADHD Child

Have you met them? Their hair is perfect, their bodies lean and they parent with ease. Not only that, of course their kids are compliant, neatly dressed and well-behaved.

While your kid is running around their pool channeling ADHD and offending every other calm five-year-old, their kid is hosting a dainty tea party in the shallow end or carefully touching their toe into the water. When your kid burps at their sweetly pig-tailed one who recoils with a squak, the perfectly coifed mom glares over at you because of your moral failure now being demonstrated by your child's beastly behavior.

While you wrestle your wild child to the ground in order to dry them off before leaving this fun party, everyone stares and then nods toward each other. Your hair falls out of the clips and your shirt pulls up during the tussle. No doubt you'll get a bruise from this. Yes indeed, you represent the worst parenting there is and worse yet, they have labeled your child as a bad seed. These moms vibe one another and cross their legs in unison as they all look away from your big fat mess. You saddle up and trudge out the garden gate to your car. So much for the kindergarten class party.

Not only will they not friend you, they will ignore your child. Depending on your school, this could make quite an impact when they send birthday party invitations to every child in the class except yours. Your child comes home bewildered having seen the invites delivered in front of everyone, and wonders why they weren't chosen. Even if you go on the field trip with him, there is no guaranteed your presence will influence calmer behavior.

Hello, that struggling mom was me and I wouldn't change a single thing in my life at that time. Not for a health club or better hair, and certainly not my child. God bless those snotty moms judging me and my beloved child. That wiggle-worm, impulsive, compulsive noise-making, dirt attractor and irritating 5-year-old is becoming one of the most amazing people I have ever known, much less parented. And he is yet to graduate high school.

Those snots that refused friendship and excluded birthday party invitations were ignorant and judgmental. Their shunning quickly taught me that I needed to learn how to support and coach my kid in the face of what loomed to be on-going judgement not to mention serious struggles to pay attention.  After all, part of life is learning how to behave in socially appropriate ways. We want to attract people - not shoo them away. I had to advocate for him often, as well as discipline his socks off. Unfortunately, because he got labeled so early due to his hyper-impulsiveness, anything he did was initially believed to be an intentional act. We got our own labels as bad parents. And yes, he got kicked out of two daycares and two preschools.

Finally, he was old enough to test. We tested for allergies (guess who had a high senistivity even to natural  sugars?) and we tested intelligence (turns out he has superior intellect) and of course for ADHD. Once he got on his meds and we figured out which ones and how often, he simmered down and could focus. We taught him he was the boss of his brain, so he could focus on his teacher or his finger tip. We never told him he had ADHD, we only told him he needed focus pills to help all the activity in his smart brain simmer down so he could focus. We role-played, coached and rewarded, cried, laughed and continually begged God for help.

It seemed that people were only pleased with the behavior of the quiet and compliant children that never spoke out of turn. Intollerant teachers spent time trying to force our boy to be just like the others and were frustrated when it appeared he wouldn't listen. I don't want any kid to be just like any others, least of all my kid. I want to know how they think and what they think and how they dream. I don't want to control them nor turn them into little performers. With God's grace, I want them to become who they should be and I am there to coach them along the way to be a kind citizen.

The kid who was so judged does not judge others. He never started anything, but he will defend himself - and when he sees bullying, he tells the kids to knock it off. He sees the spectrum of human behavior and dismisses no one. While he respects the right of everyone to be on this planet, he will not ask a girl out if he has seen her being rude to someone. He is courteous and thoughtful and strong -  both physically and mentally. People that have met him after age 9 do not believe my stories of his ADHD because it's gone. We stopped the meds after a year when he told us he "didn't like the way he feels" when he takes his focus pills. Okay, we said. But you will have to work extra hard to help your brain focus. And over the next couple of years he did.

I think any parent with no compassion for a child that doesn't fit a mold for whatever the reason is a snot mom. Kids with mental or physical diagnosis take extra effort to parent and educate. Their families are worn out and many times they struggle alone if no extended family lives nearby. I can't count very high the number of people that loved us through our battle to raise our wild child. One of them was the cashier in the grocery store who encouraged me while every other shopper stared aghast at the screaming fit my 13 month old was having in the cart. To this day I remember her kind smile. She made a difference in more that just that interaction.

When we stop to think beyond a snap judgement and give that annoying kid a chance we are blessing her and her parent that is struggling more than you'll ever know. Try it. You'll probably never know you made a difference in their lives, but know that you did indeed.

No! No Nothing!

Recently I was checking out at Target, and a frustrated mom behind me was attempting to control her two kids. A boy about 7 and a girl about 5 is my age guess.

As they plopped down the sale Halloween costume behind me, an excited brother began hugging and lifting his giggling sister. They were moving a bit and gently bumped into me, but it was all sibling silliness so I grinned. Mom on the other hand would have none of this. "No!" She scolded." No! Stop that! That is inappropriate. No! Don't touch each other!!!"

The kids untagled themselves and began doing other normal sibling things as they waited in line. Again I hear mom say, "No! No! No stop that, don't do that!" Followed by the ultimate command, "NO talking!"

Of course that didn't stop the (minimal) chatter or the giggles from her kids. As the cashier finished bagging my groceries, we heard mom utter "no" at least another dozen times. The kids were never loud nor did they leave their mom's bubble. They remained smiling and upbeat but mom was stern and throwing out "no-bombs" every other breath.

The kids were not defiant or bratty. They were just kids. Kids move and kids chatter. Mom has already used up her lifetime clout for the word "no" and neither one of them is any where near the teen years. By over-using and misapplying this word, the kids have become desensitized to it. And sadly, they don't respect their mother because of it. Now she is the fun-buster who continues to show them that she doesn't understand kids and wants to control every aspect of their lives - including how they stand in line.

Parents - please do teach your children how to stand in line by not intruding on other's body space or touching goods for sale you aren't buying. Please do teach your children to stand near you and use quiet voices. And please, please please teach your children that in North America when you walk store aisles you do so on the right and do not block other customers. But there is no need to order your children to stand completely still and not utter a peep. What's next? Telling them what to think?

And, when you teach them you demonstrate and use simple words in a pleasant tone.  You say "We stand like this in line" or "We only touch things we are buying" or "Thanks for standing near me". We don't start anything with the word "No" unless their life is at risk. Yes, we can answer a request with the word no, that's different that starting a sentence with it - especially one we are using to train our kids.

Remember to use age-appropriate phrases in a tone expecting they will comply. When you show the level of your frustration, you invite them to test you by continuing. A gently phrased statement works wonders. All this mom needed to do was say, "We are keeping our arms to ourselves. Tommy will you come next to me please?" That interrupts the antsy behavior and reduces the possibility of escalation. She could even ruffle his hair with a loving gesture when he complied.

If the kids were those terrors we often see, mom should leave the store and the costume behind, simply telling the cashier she is sorry her kids were being disrespectful and there would be no shopping today. The drive home should be silent. No ranting. And the next time mom goes to the store, the kids do not have the privelidge of coming along.

Everywhere you go is an opportunity to model behavior and teach your children how to be a pleasant citzen. But they don't need lectures, and they don't need to be micromanaged. No, they don't.