Want More, Have More, Buy More

That's what I told my kids ever since they were old enough to watch TV when commercials would come on. I would pause the ad and point to the screen. "See that?? The people who made this commerical want you to want that. They made this so you would think you need this. It's a trick." I repeated this, or asked them what they thought the media wanted them to think every time a commercial came on. And yes, I started this when they were under the age of two. And no, they didn't initially embrace my comments.

When each of my kids was first introduced to marketing greed inducers, they would tell me that the thing on TV was a good thing. And of course sometimes it was... like who doesn't need deoderant? I was laying the groundwork to build on later. In the early years, I just wanted them to see that when they saw a Cheerios commercial it was telling them to go get some "now" when it sould be their idea when it is they choose to eat cereal. Both of my four-year-olds argued with me and insisted there was nothing wrong with the nice car on the TV. And that toy certainly looked cool. I continued on with my mantra with a smile, certain things would "click" eventually.

Sometimes I even commented that a commercial made me want to go there to do that. But I followed it by saying that I would have to save up and that would take time. That beautiful resort in the Caribbean was going to have to wait though, because we needed new tires first. Once all the toy commericals revved up every November I had a lot of material to work with. That is when I introduced the concept of greed and the ability to wait.

Advertisers want us to throw the budgets and our patience right out the window and splurge on their items right away. Spending money without thought or money we really don't have (also referred to as a credit card) only causes a problem later on. Do we need Legos or food? If the purchase of Legos gets in the way of shoes or the electric bill, there's a problem. If we already have 15 toys that aren't cared for or played with often, why add to the clutter/

Sometimes I would agree that yes, that toy really was cool. Then we would strategize how to save for it. There were envelopes, jars and piggy banks we used for that. My kids learned that if they were saving for that American Girl doll and then spent part of their savings on a video, that doll was now farther from reality. If they insisted they really did want to spend their savings on something else, I only reminded them once that they had another goal, were they sure they wanted to deplete their nest egg for this? If they said yes, I was fine with that. Occaisonally they voiced regret several weeks later, at which point I encouraged them to keep saving. Yes, if they faithfully saved for something and came close to the purchase price, I would throw in a dollar or two or pay the tax. But they had to be responsible for 97% of the funds. And if they broke the thing they bought? No, that's not the time for mom or dad to replace it. Kids need to learn their is a natural consequence if they are not careful. If we dent our car, there isn't a fairy that repairs it for free.

All of this was done without nagging, lecturing or saying "See? I told you so!"

Right now I am plenty sick of material goods. In my career, I am in many homes belonging to families who could not exist without some form of government assistance. Without fail, their children manage to have more toys than mine did and we were not on assistance. They hit garage sales and clearance racks and buy, buy, buy. One only child had so many baby dolls and acessories, toys and games strewn around the house it literally looked like an erruption. More, more, more. And the child did not appreciate what she had. How could she? There were too many things to care for, and even though she was careless, her parent continued the supply.

I think North Americans just plain have too much stuff, and they ignore the cost in their quest to acquire more of it. Then they clutter up their homes with all of it - and when the house over flows, they park in the driveway and fill the garage. When the garage overflows they rent a storage unit. There is a reality show on cable about sleuths who find valuable items left behind when people forget or abandon their storage units. One of the reason I like IKEA is because their furnishings are simple and streamlined. People living in tight  quarters elsewhere in the world do not have the space to pile up stuff. How many stuffed animals does a kid need? How many hundred crayons?

How many board games? And, my pet peeve - how many videos? Especially now with Netflix, do you really need shelves full taking up space? Not only is that more to keep clean and dents the budget, vast quantities lined up like soldiers staring back creates a poor visual of plenty. Kids with lots of stuff don't have the opportunity to learn to care for what they have, and don't learn to wait for things. If they grow up getting the latest thing every time they blink, they will have succumed to Wall Street's mission to be disatisfied with life and want more, have more and need more. It's our job as parents to intervein and redirect how they process all the options out there just waiting to come home in our recyled shopping bag.

"I Hate Homework"

Ever heard that comment? Of course you probably have!

I agree. I hate homework, too.

Public school teachers have a herd of kids to deal with all day long. Little personal attention is available to meet individual needs. Thus, "homework".

Homework used to be for reinforcement of a concept thoroughly introduced and covered in school. Like spelling words. Now, it's a whole new packet of expectations loaded into an overweight backback to be trudged home and diligently worked.

Hours of homework have now become a national expectation. Performance is even based upon time spent doing homework.

Sure, parents groan about it. But inside, I think they may like the idea that their kid is sitting somewhere doing a perceived productive thing that they can brag about to their friends. "Rufus spent
four hours each night doing homework!" = Smart kid. Not.

How completely boring is this? Being forced to sit and do a thing? What about something that totally grabs their attention and passion? Instead of sending a kid off to DO homework, what if they could be engaged and interested? EXPERIENCE the concept, not just read it and circle the answer with a number two pencil that needs sharpening.

When I home schooled our kids for chunks of time, there was no homework because we did the work during our school time. And, hark! Our school time did not last seven hours. More like  three or four and believe me, everything was completely covered. Wanna know why? Because there weren't 23 or 29 other kids to keep in line. Instead of herding a crowd, I was able to focus on the unique learning skills each kid needed.

And... we approached "school" from their learning style. My girl was a learner who needed a story or a pictute. My boy needed to touch and do it. I adapted curriculum in order to reach each of my kiddos. Public and private schools do not have such luxury. I smile when I remember all of the illustrated state fact cards my daughter made. We even laminated them. And I also smile when I remember my son pacing around and around the kitchen table as we worked on US History. Drawing touched her soul, sitting penalized my active son so we adapated and achieved the ultimate goal.

We only home schooled for periods of time, and as it turns out they were the right periods of time during each of my kids's lives. Being 10 years apart, this was during different eras.  I loved "getting inside" my kids' brains and spending close time with them and believe that my investment launched them into future school success.

But, gotta tell you. Homework badgering was never on my talking points.

And when I meet parents frustrated with the volume of homework expected on a daily basis, I groan in empathy. Perhaps they should take an idea out of the 2000's sit com "According to Jim"? Jim and Cheryl were frustrated with all the homework their kids had to do. Jim handled it by going to school and meeting with the teacher to lighten the load. Not a bad idea! But don't follow up like Jim did by saying the reason the family could not support all that homework was because mom Cheryl could not read.

Parents: Let's not allow schools to teach to one learning style and equate the number of worksheets completed as teaching. Yes, there is need for reinforcement. No, there is no need for busy work. Teachers need to ensure the students have grasped the concept enough to follow up at home.

"I Want to Give My Children More Than I Had"

A frequent statement many parents make. They want life to be better for their next gen.

It usually refers to tangible items. A bigger home. Better school. More opportunities. Better toys. You get it.

This thought has never ocurred to me as a firecely kid-loving mom. While I have not been able to provide my kiddos with some of the accutraments of my just slightly priviledged middle class life, I have indeed given them more than I had.

In spades.

So we didn't go skiing at Lake Tahoe, vacation in the Virgin Islands or have a boat. We don't belong to a country club or get huge clothing discounts because of where dad works. There aren't matching his and hers new cars every two years and we can't go off and buy anything we want anytime we want. And we don't have the latest technology toy or season tickets almost all year long. The only delivery we get on a regular basis is the mail.

When my first kid was little, she had just one pair of toddler shoes and I had to save even to purchase her a  $15 crib mobile. Her furniture came on sale from the unpainted furniture store, her carseat was the low end model and videos (yes videos) came one at a time, just like books. Second kid only had two pairs of shoes and inherited all those hard won videos and by then the TV was "old" and could go in the family room. We never bought toy upon toy, just simple ones that lasted. The only clutter you would have seen was when the tote box of Legos or Barbies got dumped out.

The biggest difference between my growing up and that of my children is the emphasis of faith in our lives. My parents took us to church the way you go to the grocery store. It was an acitivity to check off the list. The other 167 hours of our week were not impacted at all. God was in the Sunday box at 11:00. In my very own family, God was part of all 168 hours each week.

Sure there was Sunday, kids clubs and VBS not to mention kids choirs and musicals. But there was also reinforcement as we drove along the road, went for walks, ate and played. There was ongoing prayer - not just at meals or bedtimes. Like praying every time we heard an ambulance or saw a driver being reckless. We prayed often, and aloud. Prayers were short so my kids could learn that God hears every peep. And we didn't just ask for stuff, we prayed for others and said a lot of thank yous. My kids grew up knowing God created the numbers they were learning to add and subtract. God created the potatoes that got made into chips. God created the people who grew up to invent things like iPads. God rules over all, it is humans that mess things up on Earth, not God.

My kids also learned that they were not only delighted in by God, they were also the delight of my life. That did not mean I worked to make them or keep them happy, though. They learned that while to me they were the most special child in the world, they were sitting in school next to 21 other special ones. We emphasized the value of a single person every chance we got. I constantly pointed us to God in whatever circumstance we were in, and sometimes there were tangible answers that the kids could see.  Sometimes we had to rest in the knowledge that God heard, even if we couldn't see.

While my parents goal for me was to marry well, know important people and be someone, I became just that but not in the country club vice president way they hoped. I married a godly man who is invested in our family and is there for us every single day. I know important people because in God's eyes, that is what everyone is. Sure some are even corporate honchos or physicians, and some are farmers, clerks or have special needs. Some are even unsavory. They are all equally important in my eyes. While I can appreciate a custom home decorated like a model, it does not cause me to pee in my panties with shock and awe or behave any differently than I do when I am in a home furnished from a flea market. The only difference is that I ask how to do that cool techniue myself.

And I certainly am someone! No big title or letters after my name. No fat 401K or bank account. No awards or books (yet). But I am someone who is loved by God and loves others, doing my best so that He will one day say "well done" in both the big and small opportunities that came my way. The most important effort to me is in raising children who grow up to be solid citizens and both  contribute to and impact their world. Yes indeed, I am giving my kids more than I had - in spades.

Routines Are Friends

One of my favorite lines in the animated movie Finding Nemo is when Bruce the shark recites the mantra "Fish are friends, not food." I use that voice in my head when referring to routines with our kids. Routines are our friends because they provide the structure and security every child needs, whether they know it or not.

I've met parents so regimented they refuse to adjust a nap or lunch time no matter who is in town. 11:30 is the time, lunch is the agenda, period. They expect everyone else to follow their schedule. I've met parents who packed three backpacks and camped by the sea in Mexico with their toddler for six months. (When they returned, they said they'd never do that again.) I've met parents who go about their own routines and fit the child in - and are surprised to learn their kid is hungry after hours of touring open houses or whatever else was on their adult docket. I've met parents who pack a bag of age-appropriate toddler toys and leave it in the trunk while they visit friends and then follow the kid around the host house telling them "no!" I've been the parent so busy my little one didn't get a nap and experienced consequences of their late afternoon meltdown.

When my girl was 18 months old, we took her on a two-week vacation cross country. She had so many new sights and people to experience, she refused any nap the entire time. On the flight home, she had a super freak melt-down in my arms, wrestling and uncharacteristically pounding against me so hard she knocked my pearl earrings out of my ears. Once home, she solidly collapsed in her crib and slept straight for 24 hours. I learned the hard way that any change in routine impacts our wee ones mightily.

In working with kids and families for several decades, the biggest duh I've learned is that children crave routine. They need to know what comes next. If you are a shoot-from-the-hip carefree person like me, it will take extra work on your part to give your kids the framework they need. But it will be worth your efforts. Most kids want to feel regulated and experience a sense of order. No, they don't want or need a drill sergeant, but they do feel more secure when they can regularly experience routine and just plain know what to expect. My son taught me this as a toddler. He would always ask me what comes next and boom! I figured out that I needed to simmer down and regulate. You bet I did. After all, parenting is not about the parent - it's about giving the kids a secure, safe daily life.

Routines are friends. They may bore you like crazy, but being a parent is about stepping outside yourself and investing in smaller human beings who trust you for no reason at all. I say honor that innocence and provide them the emotional security they not only need, but truly require. That becomes their framework for development.

Breaking this down, it means that kids need a daily schedule. The more you follow the schedule - however loose - the better your kids will function. If you have a special needs child, this is not only important - it is essential. One missed appointment can set a special needs child back multiple steps. If you are making progress, a missed step can force you back to your starting point. No matter what is going on or how you feel, don't skip a routine. I can't tell you how many times I have seen parents regret that as their child continues to float. Keep on keeping on.

Another good thing about routines is that once you have them in place, your home can run itself and you get to just follow along without the pressure of having to come up with something. AND, you can "blame" the routine you have established. Example: "We go to bed at 8:00." "We take baths before bed." "We pack our lunch after dinner." You get the idea. Pouf - no more creation of new talking points. You can mentally rest with a big smile instead, and just love on your kids.

Remain neutral in your speech and go for a simple schedule that gives you a framework for your family to follow. Whatever you do, please do not become a controller. Be an upbeat, calm guider. Controllers drive people away forever. Guiders are there for life.

For instance: Kids will love that Tuesday night is Taco night. They will come to anticipate it and it will comfort them as they move through the turbulence of adolescence and get launched as young adults. Or...What if you establish two days a week as Laundry Day? They will know they get to help fold baskets full or put away stuff. You get the idea. The bigger the family, the more important routines become for obvious reasons.

Routines. The best friend a parent can ever have. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you want your kids in your life as adults.

Just Put A Bowl of Cherrios On The Floor

When our itty bitties are itty and bitty, we naturally dole out nibblets like mama birds. I understand this. We want our darlings to keep nourished.

But as our precious ones get taller and attend school, I really don't think they need to sit in the nest and still and squawk for snacks to be spit into their billets. (Forget main meals - they can hear you ring the bell or clang the gong for that feed.) They know how to self-feed, don't they? Yet?

Here is what I don't understand: Parents who control snacks. Down to the time of day and number of crackers or apple slices. You know - the age when your kid is school-aged or even able to comprehend.Why give yourself more work? Do you really want to be tied in to more details than necessary?

"Tommy you can only have 3 Rtiz crackers or you will spoil your dinner! Do not even think about asking for one more!", "Sally, you are nine but I need you to ask me first before you get a glass of water and I need to pour it for you." "Roger, you did not finish your kale at lunch so forget any snack now!" These are just a few of the parent diatribes I frequently hear. They are followed by the bugle sound from the old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adult spoke... only now it's the whining from the kid who just wants a little something more to eat. The parent then spends another half hour saying
"no" multiple times.

Boring.

What is the big deal about counting their bites? Sure. If they want to eat a quart of ice cream a half hour before dinner. Or toast a loaf of bread --- unless they are a teen boy, don't worry. They will still eat dinner. Forget that bag of Cheetos. That's a duh.

But hey. If they just got home from school at 4:30 (and unfortunately, I know that happens way too often for elementary kids) please give them a snack!

So what if they get "too full" on veggies and fruits and can't eat all their "dinner"? Who cares?!  They ate well and got multiple servings from the magical Food Pyramid. It's not like they are "too full" of pizza or other conveyor-belt nothings. They ate real food and got full. Time to celebrate, not dictate.

Can you separate from what you experienced while growing up? Your kiddos really can exist along with you but not need to be attached like a leech. I have no memory of my Betty Crocker Mama putting a special cookie on a plate after school. Beaver's mom even poured a special glass of milk. (Bet he got out of school at 2:30!)

When my darlings were in elementary school, I kept the fridge stocked with veggies and fruits. There was a "Kid Zone" in the pantry where I kept repackaged cereal combinations with very little sugar. Let's just call that "gravel". They had full access and did not need to ask me a thing. Between the "gravel" and the fruits and veggies in the fridge, my kids could "free feed" just like our dog. They knew where "their" food was located, could have all the water they wanted and go to the bathroom without permission. I didn't care how much good stuff they ate or water they drank. Heck, add milk to that list. Just as long as they knew where the dishwasher, sink and garbage were.

When I observe parents unnecessarily inserting themselves into situations they make more complicated, I am stupefied. Why add more to the list? If you give your kids good guidelines and provide healthy snack options what does it matter to you?

For me, I didn't even know enough to want to save my brain cells and not waste my breath counting out the correct amount of Gold Fish crackers. Interrupting an adult conversation to go pour a glass of water my child was fully capable of doing did not occur to me. I just didn't see the need to control and simply wanted to raise emerging adults who would make positive decisions on their own.

Snacks? That is indeed sweating the very small stuff. Ahhh just call me lazy or ignorant. Either way, am I ever glad I didn't spend any time on food patrol.

Gots me two great ones!

Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

Going Zero-Tolerance on Fits

We've all observed the mom with the screaming kid in Target throwing a fit because they must have that one toy RIGHT NOW. The kid is howling and crying so loudly you can hear him in the back of the store (almost) and he has worked himself into a sweat. Determined to get her way, the kid throws herself on the floor near the cashier to thrash it out. She's thinking if she can only stay loud and embarrassing long enough, she can force her mother to buy her that thing. Surely, mom will cave in. So the kid persists. Other shoppers glance their way and have their own judgmental thoughts. Some even have pity - they've been there. About half the time, I see the distraught mother give in. The fit worked. The kid smiles smugly as they open their "reward" for a job well played. Mom thinks she has bought silence. Mom is wrong. Mom has just made a deposit into the bank account of "Monster".

Did you know that developmentally, fits should not be occurring past the age of four?  That eight-year-old Target kid is way out of line.

The next time you are faced with a fit, try following these guidelines to remain the one with all the power. "Loud" will learn it no longer has control.

1. Don't let them win now. In the big scheme of things, they will lose.  If you want to raise a solid citizen, you cannot allow them to win with a fit. This is indeed one of the hills to die on. I know one family's mom who constantly allowed her son to cry and beg for a toy while grocery shopping. She always gave in and the boy got his toy. While she would tell her older child she was "just doing this to get him to be quiet" she was teaching both that she had no backbone and could be manipulated to perform according to the son's whims. And that is exactly what happened to the boy. He had his mom wrapped around his finger and got everything he wanted. He never learned the life skills of self management or honesty and grew up to become a mysogenist and a criminal with an addiction problem. Today he is 50 years old and still blames everyone else for all his problems. Thanks to that mom who aided and abetted in setting him on the losing path.

Okay, that is an extreme example. But fits can have all the power you give them. Or, they can become fruitless acts that bring about undesirable consequences for the kid attempting to use them as a club to get their way.

2. Keep your cool - even if you have to fake it. Long before my kids were old enough to have a fit, I had determined to become fit-intolerant. Screaming, banging, tapping, whining, crying and threats did not change my mind. My "yes" was yes, and my "no" was no, period. If my kid started a meltdown in a public place, we immediately left and went home. That includes leaving a whole cart of groceries behind. Our message was that behavior was not fit for public consumption. And they did not get to come along the next time, either. If the fit was at home, they were ushered into their room calmly (the key is to remain calm) and told that they can be upset in their room, but the rest of the house was for the happy people. They are welcome to return once they have decided to calm down and be pleasant. "But by all means, go ahead and be as upset for as long as you like...in your room."

Once my kids realized they were bumping into a stone wall of resistance, they gave up attempting to use fits for personal gain and began using their words. Hey - a blessing in disguise!

3. Protect the zen of your home and the rest of the family. Just because one of your kids has decided to get out of control (and I do believe it is a decision) does not mean they are entitled to all the air space and attention in your home. Quite the opposite. No one else needs to be subjected to their noise or actions - that is not fair to them. If a bunch of kids are playing and one doesn't get their way and starts to sulk, ignore them. If they start yelling or hurting other kids - remove them. The opportunity to play is no longer available.  Once they have decided to calm down, personal apologies are in order. 

4. Let your actions and consequences do the talking. Make it unattractive for older fit-throwers to continue on this path. In my work with families, I strongly coach the culprits that it is absolutely unacceptable to throw a fit. Ever. Together, we create a list of "rules" to follow when starting to get angry. They are immediately and calmly dismissed from the area if they start to heat up. Their audience is removed.  If they became destructive, privileges and toys are removed. In an extreme case we removed all of the extra special things that mom was doing. After all, how can there be an exhausting, screaming fit followed by that trip to Dairy Queen later? We cannot reward unacceptable behavior and we can't back down. Especially if you have a repeat offender. One who is sorry a little bit later and sweet as pie only to do it all over again the next day.

In extreme cases, you can bag up the toys for a time and have them earn them back with good behavior. You can also tie things to their behavior. They can watch a TV show later if they have behaved appropriately. They can play a video game if they have managed their emotions.You get the idea. If they have not "earned" the privilege they expected, simply shrug and state that their behavior is their choice. Walk away and do not engage.

5. Give yourself some time-outs. Especially if you are battling some strong wills or special needs every waking hour of the day. Arrange for help and go out for coffee. Sit with your spouse and be sure they understand the level of emotional exhaustion you are dealing with. Get some form of physical exercise. Take a bubble bath, enlist help with the chores. Don't try to do everything on your own. If you are parenting solo, relax some of the expectations you have put on yourself. Cereal can too be a dinner. One family I knew insisted that it was lights out by 7:30 every night in order to have some quiet time in the house for adults. Another family had two hours of quiet each afternoon - the kids did not need to nap, but they had to be on their beds with a book or drawing tablet and they had to keep quiet. Do what it takes to keep your energy up and anxiety down. If it is insanity to go to the grocery store with all the kids, don't. You can go later, get a sitter or order online. And don't tell me it's more expensive. That small delivery fee is worth the lack of hassle and they even accept coupons.

I hope that you don't have the extreme case in your family, but if you do, my heart goes out to you. Hang in and stand firm. The light at the end of the tunnel is the more responsible adult you are developing. Keep that in mind.

And remember, if you get your 11-year-old Red Cross Training, you can do what I did when it got crazy in our house: grab your keys and leave them to figure it out and go enjoy a nice mocha at the local coffee shop.