Taking Your Kids To Starbucks

Right now I am sitting behind a mom with three boys under the age of six. When they came in, I grimaced. I had specifically gone to a different Starbucks in order to disappear into my work uninterrupted and in came chattering backpacks bigger than the boys. The backpacks meant they were going to be here for awhile. Did I remember to bring my earbuds??

The first clue that this was going to be different was when I saw the oldest boy carrying all three hot chocolates across the room for his brothers. He held two in one hand just like a server. Mom had walked over to the garbage can and joined him on his way back to the table. She smiled and said calmly, "Oh you got them all??!! Nice." No rush to to grab them because he might spill. Just proud affirmation of his thoughtfulness.

They started to unpack their backpacks. The oldest had some homework worksheets that mom quickly encouraged him to work on while busying the other two with a separate activity. It's been nearly an hour now, and I haven't needed to insulate myself with Pandora. The entire gang has been pleasantly-and-volume-appropriately-occupied at their table. None of the other Starbucks patrons sitting at their screens has even looked up. I want to applaud!!

In fact, the pleasant chatter and sweet "Mommy's" are better music. They aren't fighting for attention or whining. Each one is being validated by Mom and she measures her attention back and forth. Just now she gave an assignment for the oldest to read to the middle one while she took the youngest to the Loo.

Why does this situation work so smoothly? Easy. Mom is utterly focused on her babies and she isn't trying to do anything else.

The kids can be addressed as a group with side bars for a specific child. The boys clearly behave as if they belong in a nurtured group. So impressive.

The other big thing that puts a smile on my face is that mom is doing a Bible Study with the boys. It's age-appropriate and interactive. They chat happily with each other about favorite colors as they mention what happened that week. This is priceless.

"Yup"

"There you go"

"Where is...."

"Okay"

"What would I do first?"

No correcting words are used - just redirection.

You can tell that this style of parenting is the norm for these children. And they know that they are safe and cared for. Valued but not doted on. Mom maintains a sweet, non-anxious presence.

I wish I could say I saw this scenario often, but I really don't. Usually the mom is on her smart phone and the kids are fending for themselves. They might be sitting together, but there is no interaction. Unless of course they get loud, then two moms out of ten will speak up while keeping her attention affixed to her precious communication device.

In the psychology world, the sweet Starbucks mom was "fully present". Here's a decaf toast to all the caregivers out there who take the time to really be there for their kids. The investment is priceless.

Parenting Information Overload

The other day I was sitting with a toddler mom who shared a concern she and her friends had that they were missing developmental teaching moments as they learned the ropes of motherhood. They didn't know how to guard against that and spent more time anxious and chastising themselves.

I couldn't help but wonder if - in their quest to provide such perfect experiences with their wee ones - their angst overrode any of the fun or joy. It wasn't so long ago (in my heart) that I was one of those wide-eyed moms hoping to do parental justice on behalf of her own little baby. My mom was no longer alive, so I entered the role with a significant wisdom handicap.

Not only didn't I have a mom, my family was practically nonexistent. That's what happens when your parents are both only children and you move across the country. Here I am in a new city 2 months from the big day having no idea what to do, much less purchase in order to get the nursery ready. So, I decided to create a survey from the three baby books I had devoured that told me what items I simply had to have on hand at birth. Things like numbers of diapers, burp cloths, onesies, t-shirts, sheets, bottles, etc. I took this differing information and made a chart. From that chart I computed averages. Armed with that, I went shopping at the nearby outlet mall with a new also-expectant friend. It was hard for her to keep her eyebrows at a reasonable latitude when I brought out my list. But at that point, my list was my wisdom since I didn't have anyone in the flesh to ask. I stuck to my averages and bought my items, and discovered as time went along that not every baby needs 24 burp cloths.

I am happy to tell you not only did my first baby survive my mothering, so did my second! In fact, we all thrived. With a ten-year gap in-between, I had to re-buy and learn things all over again. And the second time I even did it without a survey much less any baby books telling me what to do or expect. They don't "need" all of the things advertised. It all depends on your lifestyle and baby. I tried that sling wrap thing that I admired other moms wearing. My baby hung out upside down and screeched.

The difference between me before the birth of my first and the birth of my second blessing? Confidence. I learned early on with baby #1 that I knew more that I thought I did once I paused to think for myself and not follow like a sheep. Initially I linked up with a number of mommy groups. But I wasn't a robot and I sucked at legalism. I wasn't about to wake up my sleeping baby to feed her just to maintain a schedule or change what was sure to be a wet diaper. Sleep is good. From this experience I learned to find my own mommie voice and discover what worked for my baby in my household. I survived the whole comparison of ability thing by chirping out ignorant feats to distract those anxious moms and gently removed myself from those weekly shame-a-thons.

As I grew in my own new discoveries, my baby was right there with me. Sometimes we learned together. Like what it was like to go to the store and have a volcanic breastmilk eruption down the front of my shirt. Or what it was like to check a baby in while I went to church. Or change pooped out clothes using your car's trunk. The longer I was a mommie, the more of an expert on my kid I became. Seeing how their minds and bodies worked prompted me to naturally do things that books now tell you to tap into your smart phone as a reminder.

When they are sitting on your lap as you read a book, don't turn the page to continue the narrative if you see your baby is more interested in pointing things out. How easy is it for us to ask them questions? What is that? Why do you think that's there? What do you think will happen next?

These guys are learning every second of every day. No wonder they need naps or get cranky! Constant intake is overwhelming. Everything you do with your toddler is an adventure, so don't think you even have to leave your yard. It's a big deal to them even if it isn't to you. Just stay off social media and be fully present with your child. Your time with them is more precious than the thing you think you have to hurry up and do.

One of the most soothing memories I have is taking my young son's hand (and having to lean low toward his shortness) as he toddled his way through the grocery store parking lot. All of the rush-zip-boom-ba whooshed out of my body as I experienced one careful step after the other right along with him.

I learned I knew more than I thought when I gave myself some credit. I also stopped flooding my mind with every possible parenting book and theory. Find one theory that works for you and you're set. Mine was Dr. Kevin Leman's reality discipline.Your role is to help your child learn from reality - not to scold, nag or warn. You teach calmly. I've taught this theory to hundreds of families and when it is used correctly, it's simple, effective and fun. The biggest downfall is the parental urge to nag and narrate "I told you so, see?" or any other such useless verbiage your kid translates to blah-blah-blah anyway.

There's a reason it takes 18 years to launch your kid, so please relax those clenched muscles, take a deep breath and enjoy it step by step.

Conflict Is Inevitable

How many times have you heard someone say (or said yourself) "I don't like conflict." It can be as simple as speaking up to a supervisor who forgot to schedule you for a day off you requested three weeks ago. Or it can be as simple as telling your server your steak is cold. Maybe it goes up a notch because you have a friend that seems to cancel dates and you want to say something about that. Or perhaps your teen is sullen and glares at you when you ask them to finish their chore? What about a spouse or partner's response when you try to bring up how you are feeling?

I believe that the North American culture has sent us a message through our buffet of media formats  and social customs that conflict is bad. Something is wrong if you experience conflict. You will cause a problem with your supervisor, friend or spouse if you voice your opinion or need. Someone will get mad at you if you speak up. Speaking up means you are stirring up emotions. They won't like you anymore. We'd better be quiet. Who wants to be known as a contentious person, anyway?

In my current studies, I have just had an a-ha moment about conflict. North America is wrong. Conflict isn't "bad" just like anger isn't "bad". It's how we handle it that can turn out positive or negative. Bringing up a topic does not mean there is going to be conflict. That's in our anxious minds. Few people want to rock the boat so they keep their mouths shut and don't get their needs met thinking that sharing a need will "cause conflict".  But their idea of " not rocking the boat" can be to eat that cold steak and pay full price for it. That shows their kids that it is not good to speak up. Sometimes those that do speak up do so loudly it becomes a blast of rage. That's not what I'm talking about. It is okay to speak up. In their book "The Family" Ballswick and Ballswick (2014) state that that conflict can never be resolved, therefore we should reframe how we handle it as "conflict management" . I love this concept! Rather than avoid it or seek to seal it up and expect another person to swallow your perspective and call it resolved - what if your plan is to gently state your perspective and manage it instead?  Just like diets are never really over, they just morph into menu management?

Using the example of your supervisor's unintentional scheduling you for a day you requested off, you can go to her and use "I" statements. "I requested the 30th off for my grandma's 90th birthday three weeks ago and noticed I am scheduled to work that day. Can you please help me work this out?" This addresses your area of concern and is NOT conflict. Flouncing up to your supervisor and snapping "Why did you schedule me to work when you knew I needed that day off???" is definitely asking for conflict.  Going to your peers and complaining is useless. See the differences? In one approach, you state what you needed, in the others you blamed and accused. In the first approach, chances are very high that you will be able to enter into a problem-solving conversation with your supervisor that will result in you getting time off for grandma's party. In the second approaches your supervisor is most likely going to be defensive and things will escalate and you will have brought negativity to your peers.

And what about the twinge you get when you know a relative will "get mad at you" if you don't show up for a function? That isn't really conflict. That's their reaction, period.  (Their own deal, not yours.) And if you fear they will "yell at you" for stating that you aren't able to attend, that's still not conflict. It only becomes conflict if you stay on the phone and listen or respond to their rant or accusations. If you do things out of fear of upsetting someone else, you are being manipulated and that's another blog topic.

You can manage your way through any form of conflict by listening carefully and being objective. Try to see the other person's viewpoint. Your relative is yelling at you, that's rude. But what is behind that? Do they feel rejected? Are they controllers and you showed some power? Whatever it is, you can say "I see how my inability to attend that function is upsetting for you." Letting them know you recognize their emotion can help de-escalate the situation. Using "you" statements will do the opposite. Don't fall into that, even if that is what the other person resorts to. That is indeed big-time conflict with little chance of being managed and a great chance of harming the relationship. Not a good weather report.

What if we thought about conflict as a management opportunity rather that something we have to "win"? The only winners in conflict are people that are willing to listen to the other party without putting themselves first. If you find yourself blaming others when they try to bring something up, it is likely that you have shut down the communication.  Just because they aren't talking about that anymore - or they complied to your demand - doesn't mean you won a thing. Only in your mind. You won't draw closer to them if you do not acknowledge either their emotions or responsibility. When we drop the idea of winning and replace it with the idea of learning how to manage our emotions and words responsibly, we are also demonstrating strength to our ever-watching kids. One of the best things we can model and teach our kids is how to handle the inevitable "conflicts" we all face in everyday life. It starts with listening.

Here's to launching a generation of adults who won't "be afraid" about what others will say or respond to when they have a reasonable request! Remember, your body language and tone says as much - or more - than your words.

4 Questions NOT To Ask Your Kids

Or, we could call this Four Ways Not to Hear the Dreaded "I Don't Know" answer.

#1.  What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
As a kid, one of the most common questions I was asked by well-meaning dinner party guests was "... and what do you want to be when you grow up?" Initially, I froze. Remember, little kids are concrete thinkers. I thought I'd better get the answer correct and usually came up with "teacher" although it wasn't really something I gave much thought to. Of course I got the approving nod. Later, my parents began to groom me to be a business woman without asking about my own passion. I did not live up to those standards but have lived a meaningful life in spite of the brainwashing.

As a mom, I was careful to avoid this question. I did not want my children to grow up thinking there was just one thing they could do or be.  And I was not about to tell them what to do. Instead, I would say something like "what is something that sounds fun to do when you are a grown up?" That way, options were left open to their development and imagination. If you think both questions sound the same, just stop reading this blog. My philosophy is all about the way we frame things for our kids in order to allow them to reach their own conclusions in a safe environment. If you don't place a high value on words or tones, this blog does you no good.

And whatever your kids say, sound agreeable - unless they plan to become a bank robber or outcast. My creative, smart five-year-old insisted for as many more years that she was going to grow up and be a cheesemaker. While I thought she could do so many other things, I verbally encouraged her and asked to have some Gouda. She grew out of that idea by middle school. All on her own.

#2.  How Was School Today?
That's universal code for kids to say a one-word answer like "good" or "fine" to get you off their back. You aren't going to get much detail about the eight hours they were out of your sight with that one.  Of course you want to know what they did, where they sat, how they felt. Did they pay attention? Do they understand what was taught? Was anything controversial said by a teacher? Did anyone hurt their feelings - or did they hurt someone else? You haven't seen them all day.

There are other ways to get the information you want.  First of all, resist the urge to offer up a yes/no question. It's another way for them to toss out the answer they think you are looking for and you really won't learn anything new. I used to play the "3 Things" game. Each of us had to share three things that happened during the day that the other one would not know about. So, they couldn't tell me what sandwich they ate for lunch if I had made it. I couldn't tell them I was wearing jeans. They can see that. This game worked well. I got a lot of information to start conversations from this. Another thing to do is ask who they sat with at lunch or played with at recess. You can always ask to see their planner or homework to get an idea of how they are doing in school. When our kids were in high school, we put them in charge of reading Moodle and reporting back to us about the status of their assignments. (P.S. Parents please don't immediately get upset when you read online that a grade is lower than expected. Teachers routinely post a few days later than assignments are due and you won't have a current picture. Save your angst for concrete facts.)

#3.  Why Did You Do That?
Especially with kids under the age of 10, this is just plain silly. They pinched the baby. They shoved their brother. They repeatedly snapped the lid when you told them to stop. They took the toy away from the dog. They stood in front of the bathroom sink letting the water run. They colored on the doll's face. They threw the Lego. They put the empty milk carton back in the fridge. On and on and on it goes. These guys are concrete thinkers, remember? They can't answer this question to your satisfaction. That's because the answer will not paint them in very good light. Sometimes it's a skill thing. Sometimes it's to stir up trouble. Sometimes it's attention-seeking.

Instead, try taking a mental step back and assess. If' it's attention-seeking, make a statement like "Tonya, we don't take things away from others. We ask nicely. Please come over here and..." If it's a skill thing, use calm wording to reframe they way to do it. "Albert, when the carton is empty, we throw it away and write 'milk' on the grocery list. Thank you." You get it. Another thing to ask gets to the intention behind the situation. Say you walk into the room and there is a broken lamp on the floor. Instead of demanding to know who "did it", ask what they were trying to accomplish instead. You might find out someone wasn't playing football in the house after all. They might have been trying to dust or change a lightbulb - neither worthy of a parental rant.

#4.  How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?
This is one many of us grew up hearing from our own parents and we accidentally channel that useless question. My husband had a tough time letting go of this one. One day I came into the room with his lecture face asking our eight-year-old this very question. Her eyes were locked on his and her face was frozen. I could see numbers slowing floating through her mind - searching for the correct one to offer up. So I cheerfully walked over and said "Honey, are you wanting her to give you an actual numerical response because that's what she's searching her brain for right now." He chuckled, she chuckled and he restated what it was he wanted her to understand without the silly question as the introduction.

Note to self: anytime you hear "I don't know" is your signal that you need to rephrase your question or statement. The more you affirm your kiddos when the do the work to communicate, the more they will know what your are looking for and the odds increase that you will enjoy more communication between the two of you as they develop.  #positveexperience

"Can't I Do That Without Church?"

I nearly drove into the ditch while listening to radio shrink Dr. Laura and her caller discussing a child's character. It seems that the young mother wanted to keep her parents and her husband's parents away from their children because they pray and share Bible verses. This woman was deeply offended and believed that all religions are shaming and condemning.

Dr. Laura told her it was her obligation as a parent to instill a sense of purpose and teach her children there was a higher power and a moral authority. Her children needed a moral compass with intentional direction and the best way to approach this would be through a non-denominational church. She coached the caller to start checking out these more contemporary churches and plug in. The caller agreed that her children did indeed need to have a moral compass and wondered if she couldn't find that without church?

I chuckled. The woman wanted the outcome of intentionally raising children with a faith base without  making any of the effort that requires.

I want a child with perfect manners, but I'm not gonna teach them what that looks like or why we use them.

I want a child with a great imagination and vocabulary, but I'm never going to let them read one book or see any movies or plays. Forget the computer, too.

The caller was living the life of many who were raised with the kind of God that only finds faults and follows rules at the expense of crushing a soul. She was suspicious and highly offended to the point where she was looking for things to point at and say "aha!!" Yet deep in heart she knew that her children needed to have a sense of purpose, and that purpose ultimately comes from God. She was just so wounded and poorly taught, her personal view had become skewed.

The danger in dragging our children behind our limited perspectives impacts generations. Just look at this caller. Who knows but that a few generations ago, one of her forefathers was earnestly attempting to raise a god-fearing-loving family? Then someone in the mix got their wires crossed or couldn't quite process adequately and boom! There goes one off the grid and negatively impacting their own family. And so on, and so on.

Here's what I would like that confused caller to know:

Dear Caller,
No, you can't raise a moral generation apart from knowing who the Creator and God of Love and Mercy is. Dr. Laura has said she herself does not involve herself in any religion, however 
she continuously points her callers to God. She's right. You do have to get out there and visit some of your local neighborhood churches. Many are smaller, meeting in schools or community centers. Their music praises God, but with contemporary bands. If you don't like that idea, there are always the brick and mortar models. Go to each church at least three times before you decide yay or nay. They might be having an off day. Or if your experience was awesome, make sure that too wasn't an anomaly. Be sure to check out what is happening for the kids. If it is just babysitting, leave. You need a church investing in children and who will walk alongside you with materials, links and workshops. Another excellent thing for you to do is to find a nice Bible Study Group for ladies. They come in many forms and are lead by loving mentors who know God's Word and love to help. There you can see what the Bible is really all about, and how to study it. And by digging in you will discover that the God of shame isn't found between those covers. His Word is a story of his love, and his desire to have a relationship with us earthlings, and what he did through Jesus Christ in order to make sure it became everlasting. And be mindful that churches are merely full of other imperfect people. Some do a better job than others at representing God. Your job is to find the one that fits your family and seems to do it less awkwardly than the others. Start your research with a simple prayer asking for direction and start talking to neighbors, baristas and friends. You seek, you will find.

Ten Big Things I Want My Kids to Learn By Age 10

1. How to Wait
Wait their turn. Wait for an activity to occur. Wait for their birthday. Not everything is for them, and not everything is instant. Waiting with a calm attitude is a good step in maturity. Some day, they will be driving and get a red light. We don't need any more road rage episodes. Ever.

2. How to Begin to Process Life OBJECTIVELY
This means to see things from an open perspective - an overview of the situation. Imagine climbing up a step ladder to observe the lay of the land. It is the opposite of using binoculars and having a limited focus. Too few people actually do this - usually we see people operating out of their specific interests or needs. Just because one is gluten-free doesn't mean they can't sit down with someone who isn't. Everything isn't supposed to be just about us.

3. How to Observe - Be Safe
When out in public, we need to be aware of what is happening around us without looking like we are looking around. The unsavory types are watching for people who appear lost, uncertain or distracted. Teach your kids how to walk with purpose, where to put their wallets and how to hold a backpack. We had a family code word I used when I thought we needed to become more alert and pick up the pace. Please teach this calmly and use an upbeat tone. This is "just in case".

4. How to Use Their Manners
Manners? That's a foreign concept in North America now. Just because it's a rarity doesn't mean our kids should skip them. Teach them how to say "Please" and "Thank You" (especially in their jobs as cashiers!!), make eye contact, smile and greet others. Teach them how to walk down the side of a grocery store aisle - not the middle. Introduce them to the phrase "Excuse Me" and to use a quiet speaking voice when in a restaurant. Oh, and please find a table manners tutorial on YouTube. Elbows on the table and fingers doubling as food-shovels are absolute no-no's.

5. How to Own Their Stuff
There is a proper way to care for our belongings and it doesn't include parents. If your child's possessions mean more to you than to them, you will know they don't have the appreciation, much less the comprehension of what it means to own something. Resist the urge to replace an item your child might have been careless with that got ruined. If those beads really mean that much, they should not remain on the dining room table waiting for a magic fairy to pick them up.

6. How to Admit When They Are Wrong
When they make a mistake or do something wrong, our kids need to realize they did and admit it. Then they need to apologize and/or make amends. Don't let them get away with insisting they did not hit their baby brother when you actually saw them in action. A kid that gets away with that won't be a very mature spouse or employee. There's nothing wrong with being wrong - unless you can't admit it.

7. How to Follow God
Hopefully you are praying for them from the womb. If not, it's never too late for either one of you. Attend a church that puts families as the highest priority and has strong kids and youth programs. Regularly pray as a family and live the same on Monday-Saturday as you do on Sunday. They are watching and listening - and not just when you're ready to give a great speech.

8. How to Write a Paragraph Correctly
Thanks to our 140-character social media world, writing complete thoughts with accurate spelling is not a necessity. Penmanship has been replaced by Times New Roman font. Our kids need to know how to organize ideas and create supporting sentences that don't all begin with "The".

9. How to Shop For and Cook Healthy Meals
Use your trips to the grocery store as a means to teach math and logic in addition to healthy food selection. Involve them as you make your list and check for ingredients at home before you go. Have them help you find the best deals and the cereal with the least amount of sugar. Teach them how the store is laid out - explain that most of the healthy items are around the perimeter. Explain why the toys and candy are next to the cashier for a reason: impulse buys for whiny kids.

10. How to Clean
By age 10, your child know how to sort, wash and fold their own laundry including bedding. When you pleasantly explain to your son that if he washes his own sheets he won't have to feel awkward about any nocturnal emissions he will buy in right away. Kids should also know how to fill, empty and run a dishwasher as well as hand wash pots and pans. Counters, floors and mirrors should also be covered and by this age most kids should be fairly competent. Explain why we clean as you teach the how.

My Favorite Parenting Word

Oh how I love this word!

It is simple, empathetic and discussion-ending.

It is powerful and does not presume to solve the situation.

It is empowering and applicable to many situations we find ourselves in as we struggle to raise a generation that becomes personally responsible.

I learned this when my first born was eight and still believe this was one of the best parenting words ever created.

You can use it with toddlers. You can use it with teens. You can use it with kids in-between. (Oh hey do I ever feel like Doctorette Suess with that one!)

Both parents can use this word. (Even better.) And most importantly, the tone that you use is what makes it so effective. You have to, absolutely have to sound as chipper and upbeat as possible. Make eye contact when you use it and give a slight nod. They'll know you care. Sometimes you might be carrying the laundry basket and you can also toss this word over your shoulder as you continue down the hall. Whatever you do, do not have your kid sit across you at the table and attempt to hold some hearing. This word is too special to waste during a lecture (which you should really avoid, anyway. They're not listening, just waiting for you to end it.)

There are many scenarios where you can use this beloved word. It is always your reply to your kid's comment. Here are sample comments we've all heard. Your answer will always be this one amazing word:

"I forgot to bring home the parent permission slip."
***
"I can't find my mittens."
***
"I was late so they didn't let me."
***
"I was going to get to that."
***
"I hate what you made for dinner."
***
"I don't want to [insert complaint here]"
***
"I wanted one more chance."
***
"I was cold without my coat."
***
"I don't know what the homework is."
***
"I'm tired."
***
"But I'm not ready to go."
***
"I don't know where my clean underwear is."
***

By now you get the idea. By using this word you aren't lecturing or advising. The reality of the situation is causing your child to see that their choices had something to do with what happened. If they choose not to wear socks, their ankles just might get cold in January. But they won't die. So don't argue. When they come home and whine, you shrug. And follow up with the magic word:

"Bummer."

I promise it works. Not only are my own kids living proof, so are the hundreds of other kids I've coached. The key is to be quiet after you say it. Resist the urge to go on and on. "Bummer" says more than any speech. Unless of course they were shoplifting. But that's for another blog.

Do You Care More About Your Kids' Stuff Than They Do?

Signs that you are too concerned about your child's belongings:

- You can verbally describe each doll outfit
- You routinely arrange or even put away their toys
- You call the babysitter to find out where the hammer to the toy tool bench is

Signs that your child does not care much about their belongings:

- They ask you where "it" is (and you have the answer*)
- They leave toy items lying in piles and only put them away when asked (but don't usually finish)
- They ask for a toy every time to you go to Target (and you buy one, even for chump change)

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. However, as a first-time mom I had all the top three signs. True, she was a baby and needed to be shown how to open her first board book. But did I really need to put the Duplos "just so"? Since truth is being told, I even did Number Three with my second one when he was a toddler. Let's just pretend that was because there was another toddler over that day getting into things.

Yes it is wonderful to lead a little one in exploring life. Since most toys are for their development, no wonder parents and grands go crazy giving them! It is a blessing to see our children enjoying themselves. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care of these personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. If you open a toy with small parts in the car, we won't be able to get the pieces that fell between the seats. There are certain places to play with certain toys, and if you don't follow that you may end up with a teddy bear who no longer growls after he was submerged in the tub.

Some of this is learned naturally, some of it needs to be gently taught. But regardless of how a toy is lost or damaged, please resist the urge to replace it - no matter how beloved. (My one exception would be that one "gotta have it with me" comfort toy, if there is one.) Reality is a great teacher on the road to developing self control. If we replace everything that gets damaged, our children do not learn to be appreciative, careful or thoughtful - they just learn that the magic fairy will make it all better. Again.

When our son was two and three, he believed that scotch tape could "fix" anything. We had numerous "fixed" items for awhile. Like a cracked styrofoam cup. The back wheel on his Rescue Heroes truck. The antena on a remote. After awhile he knew he really wasn't fixing anything, but he sure loved to use that tape!

One of my pre-teen clients recently informed her mother that she wanted a "big girl's room" and wanted to get rid of all her toys. Mom's eyes widened and asked,"Even your Monster High dolls? You just got that house last Christmas!" Even the new Monster High stuff. The girl wanted it all removed so she could "have a cool room". Mom couldn't stop coaching her to reconsider when the three of us sat down on her bedroom floor to sort the piles of dolls, accessories and plastic junk into piles. One pile was designated "keep", the next "give" and the last "sell". Most of her items went into the last two piles, much to mom's fretting. I kept reminding mom that this was her girl's decision, and that was a good thing because she had entirely too many small parts. We had to almost shovel spaces on the floor for us to sit down.

In her sincere desire to love her girl, this mom had come to the conclusion that more stuff was important - but had neglected to teach her child how to manage it. You can see her bedroom floor now, and my young client is thrilled with her room's new look. Mom is still aware of the missing pen cap from the backpack and has even called the principal, but lots of progress has been made.

To all the well-meaning, slightly anal parents out there: take a deep breath. Now is the time for our kids to take responsibility for their stuff. And please do not do them a disservice by overloading them. Less is more becasue they can become more responsible with what they have.



*Cringe. I once heard a 10 -year-old ask her mom where her pink hair bow was. Mom could describe precisely which corner of the dresser and what was next to it.

Don't Get Ready For Christmas

This is the time of year when complete strangers may ask you if you are "ready for Christmas". Or they do the mental math to let you know "how many days you have left". Friends and workplaces have Christmas parties. Churches invite us to come and hear the children sing. Many of us postpone non-Christmas activities until "after the holidays". Everywhere we turn we are invited to have a better celebration if we would only just buy something.

Buy something? Isn't it more like buy everything? The other day I listened to a local radio station for 70 minutes. After every third Christmas carol there were four minutes of commercials, each geared toward a consumer purchase.

One ad offered a toll free number your kids can call to tell Santa what they want, then played an actual recording. Here's what the kid said to Santa: "I want a computer and a dog." Nothing like putting on the pressure. What if the family is not up for the work a new pet takes? Even the cheapest computers are still several hundred dollars. That kid has expensive wants and might get disappointed when he sees what Santa was able to do.

I wrinkled my nose when the announcer described this opportunity for your kids to "tell Santa what they want". No mention of gratitude, giving or celebration. Just go tell him what you want! And then some parent actually had little Jim call the number! Seriously? And the kid didn't even say please or use proper phone ediquette. Wait - maybe he hasn't been taught that yet. But he sure knows how to TELL what he wants.

Why would you want your kid to know how to ask for stuff before learning how to be polite to others? Some parent out there was just following the Christmas Crowd. You know, the ones who do it "because" without thinking it through. Christmas is about presents, so let's do that right. Get a lot of stuff for your kids so they have things to open. It will make them happy. Let's go see (or call) Santa to give him the list of wants. Yes, go sit on a stranger's lap (that's completely normal, no?) and lie and say you were good this year so you can get that pony. Teach kids that they "get" when they are "good". Don't "be good" for free! Only get the things on the list because any variance will disappoint. Be sure the other gift-givers follow the list, too. Don't mess this up.

Perhaps filling all the list items for every relative, friend and mailman is what people are referring to when they groan and say they are not ready? They have stores to visit and gifts to wrap. I heard not one but two car commercials (two different companies) telling me to really make their Christmas with new wheels. Snap. Why not?

The commercialism I saw as a little girl was gentle compared to the in-your-face commercialism on steroids of today. I usually only listen to internet radio so I'm spared from the insipid local ads telling me to order that Christmas fruit or tickets. By the end of the 70 minutes, I wanted to go home and take down the tree we are still putting up. Enough with the dangling of a new something with the false promise that it will make me happy. I work with some people who subsist on government assistance in order to sometimes have cheese on the table. What do these ads do to them? It discourages the parent who can't afford a single gift but the kid's eyes light up with hope when they see or hear a commercial. "Could I have one?" they ask. Mom shakes her head sadly, no.

My biggest problem with all the ads is that each item - whether a book or a car - is touted as "only" costing this much. Even if it was "only $19.99", it would cost a lot more if you really did "buy one for all the people on your list". I don't like the lie that money is easy because shopping is easy. Who really has enough in the bank to buy all the stuff the marketers tell us we want? What is the message we're getting?

We go buy stuff we don't need with money we don't have. I frequently hear people tell me they will be paying for Christmas until May. Or they groan about how much they are spending on gifts.  Why do that? Let's leave it in December. If you live in North America, I can tell you that you don't "need" any of the stuff being promoted. Those are wants. We need food and shelter. And we truly will suffer without that. But we don't need the latest smart phone.

The over-focus on wants is tearing into the character of entire generations. The majority of our kids have more toys than they can play with in a month - why add to the pile unless you are going to recycle? (I've heard of an online toy rental where a new box comes each time you return one - genius!) It's overwhelming. How about we teach our kids about giving instead? And not necessarily stuff - but a pie? A chore? A song? Draw a picture? And in the process, we can limit the gifts so that they can actually enjoy and appreciate a present.

It's never too late to reel it in. Just because you used to have a moving van pull up loaded with brightly wrapped packages doesn't mean that you must continue. And, you can ask doting grandparents to join you. I would also refrain from wrapping up the new comforter they neeed so that they can unwrap it. Teach them to be grateful for even one present and don't confuse them into thinking that they need volume in order to have "good" Christmas.

Lost in the blare of Christmas carols and rush to shop and decorate is the reason why we really celebrate. Be sure that Jesus' birthday is the biggest deal of all. Less truly is more.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Our family is not doing any gifts this year and I couldn't be more excited. We will feast and be together. #bliss

#photo credit: Tuna Melts My Heart

Going Zero-Tolerance on Fits

We've all observed the mom with the screaming kid in Target throwing a fit because they must have that one toy RIGHT NOW. The kid is howling and crying so loudly you can hear him in the back of the store (almost) and he has worked himself into a sweat. Determined to get her way, the kid throws herself on the floor near the cashier to thrash it out. She's thinking if she can only stay loud and embarrassing long enough, she can force her mother to buy her that thing. Surely, mom will cave in. So the kid persists. Other shoppers glance their way and have their own judgmental thoughts. Some even have pity - they've been there. About half the time, I see the distraught mother give in. The fit worked. The kid smiles smugly as they open their "reward" for a job well played. Mom thinks she has bought silence. Mom is wrong. Mom has just made a deposit into the bank account of "Monster".

Did you know that developmentally, fits should not be occurring past the age of four?  That eight-year-old Target kid is way out of line.

The next time you are faced with a fit, try following these guidelines to remain the one with all the power. "Loud" will learn it no longer has control.

1. Don't let them win now. In the big scheme of things, they will lose.  If you want to raise a solid citizen, you cannot allow them to win with a fit. This is indeed one of the hills to die on. I know one family's mom who constantly allowed her son to cry and beg for a toy while grocery shopping. She always gave in and the boy got his toy. While she would tell her older child she was "just doing this to get him to be quiet" she was teaching both that she had no backbone and could be manipulated to perform according to the son's whims. And that is exactly what happened to the boy. He had his mom wrapped around his finger and got everything he wanted. He never learned the life skills of self management or honesty and grew up to become a mysogenist and a criminal with an addiction problem. Today he is 50 years old and still blames everyone else for all his problems. Thanks to that mom who aided and abetted in setting him on the losing path.

Okay, that is an extreme example. But fits can have all the power you give them. Or, they can become fruitless acts that bring about undesirable consequences for the kid attempting to use them as a club to get their way.

2. Keep your cool - even if you have to fake it. Long before my kids were old enough to have a fit, I had determined to become fit-intolerant. Screaming, banging, tapping, whining, crying and threats did not change my mind. My "yes" was yes, and my "no" was no, period. If my kid started a meltdown in a public place, we immediately left and went home. That includes leaving a whole cart of groceries behind. Our message was that behavior was not fit for public consumption. And they did not get to come along the next time, either. If the fit was at home, they were ushered into their room calmly (the key is to remain calm) and told that they can be upset in their room, but the rest of the house was for the happy people. They are welcome to return once they have decided to calm down and be pleasant. "But by all means, go ahead and be as upset for as long as you like...in your room."

Once my kids realized they were bumping into a stone wall of resistance, they gave up attempting to use fits for personal gain and began using their words. Hey - a blessing in disguise!

3. Protect the zen of your home and the rest of the family. Just because one of your kids has decided to get out of control (and I do believe it is a decision) does not mean they are entitled to all the air space and attention in your home. Quite the opposite. No one else needs to be subjected to their noise or actions - that is not fair to them. If a bunch of kids are playing and one doesn't get their way and starts to sulk, ignore them. If they start yelling or hurting other kids - remove them. The opportunity to play is no longer available.  Once they have decided to calm down, personal apologies are in order. 

4. Let your actions and consequences do the talking. Make it unattractive for older fit-throwers to continue on this path. In my work with families, I strongly coach the culprits that it is absolutely unacceptable to throw a fit. Ever. Together, we create a list of "rules" to follow when starting to get angry. They are immediately and calmly dismissed from the area if they start to heat up. Their audience is removed.  If they became destructive, privileges and toys are removed. In an extreme case we removed all of the extra special things that mom was doing. After all, how can there be an exhausting, screaming fit followed by that trip to Dairy Queen later? We cannot reward unacceptable behavior and we can't back down. Especially if you have a repeat offender. One who is sorry a little bit later and sweet as pie only to do it all over again the next day.

In extreme cases, you can bag up the toys for a time and have them earn them back with good behavior. You can also tie things to their behavior. They can watch a TV show later if they have behaved appropriately. They can play a video game if they have managed their emotions.You get the idea. If they have not "earned" the privilege they expected, simply shrug and state that their behavior is their choice. Walk away and do not engage.

5. Give yourself some time-outs. Especially if you are battling some strong wills or special needs every waking hour of the day. Arrange for help and go out for coffee. Sit with your spouse and be sure they understand the level of emotional exhaustion you are dealing with. Get some form of physical exercise. Take a bubble bath, enlist help with the chores. Don't try to do everything on your own. If you are parenting solo, relax some of the expectations you have put on yourself. Cereal can too be a dinner. One family I knew insisted that it was lights out by 7:30 every night in order to have some quiet time in the house for adults. Another family had two hours of quiet each afternoon - the kids did not need to nap, but they had to be on their beds with a book or drawing tablet and they had to keep quiet. Do what it takes to keep your energy up and anxiety down. If it is insanity to go to the grocery store with all the kids, don't. You can go later, get a sitter or order online. And don't tell me it's more expensive. That small delivery fee is worth the lack of hassle and they even accept coupons.

I hope that you don't have the extreme case in your family, but if you do, my heart goes out to you. Hang in and stand firm. The light at the end of the tunnel is the more responsible adult you are developing. Keep that in mind.

And remember, if you get your 11-year-old Red Cross Training, you can do what I did when it got crazy in our house: grab your keys and leave them to figure it out and go enjoy a nice mocha at the local coffee shop.

Signs That You May Be A Helicopter Parent

A mom I know was filled with anxiety when her new college freshman son did not call home for the first three weeks away from home. Even pleading emails from his father urging him to assuage his mother's worry did not compel him to pick up his phone. "He is probably spending all his savings and only eating pizza," moaned his mother to me. I should have seen it coming 18 years prior when I first met him. He was just 8 months old, content in his baby swing when his mother stated "he's bored" and commanded his father to go entertain him while she worked on dinner. I wondered how a little baby would even know how to be bored on top of all that sleeping and pooping.

That was my first living example of a helicopter parent at work.

So what is a helicopter parent? It is one who believes they must hover over their child for anything to happen - or not happen. They believe their input and oversight must be present in every waking decision and experience and have a terrible time letting go. In case you were wondering, this is not the ideal way to parent and neither is dictatorship. The difference is with the dictator, there is none of the anxiety involved in helicoptering. A dictator does not have as much of their identity wrapped up in their children, they just want it their way. A helicopter parent thinks of little else than how to direct their children and make sure everything is okay. The problem with helicoptering is that you cannot really control anything. The more you think you need to "be there" or "make sure", the more anxiety you are putting on your plate. (In another blog, we will talk about the ideal parenting model - loving authority.)

You might be a helicopter parent if...

- You interrupt adult conversations to answer your child's frequent phone calls to locate typical things around the house or ask questions about trivial matters

- You are on your landline long distance with a friend and tell them to hold while you answer a cell phone call from your child wanting to know if you will take them to the mall before dinner

- You insist on selecting every outfit your children wear well past that first day of school in Kindergarten or you argue about what they have chosen to wear

- You think your child won't eat unless you tell them to or place it on a plate for them

- You allow your child to whine about a meal and make a special plate to accommodate their "likes"

- You call the school to be sure some of your child's friends are in their class

- You help your children with their friendships

- You correct, comment or react to your child's every comment

- You can't stop thinking about whether they zipped their coat up or not and go through their backpacks daily to arrange contents

- You care more about their schoolwork than they do

- You do not allow them to help around the house because they won't do it the right way

- You assume the worst when they are left to their own wiles rather than coming from a place of trust first

- Your reason for being is to do everything for your kids and to keep them happy

- You will do everything possible so they do not experience failure

- You pepper them with question after question to be sure you know everything

- You can't rest if all their toys aren't put away just-so

Do you want anyone this involved in your life? I sure don't. And all that extra focus isn't going to make anyone feel more loved. Trying to make sure everything is perfect is useless because life isn't about what we can control, it is about controlling our impulses over what comes our way. Doing everything for our children cripples them from becoming fully functioning adults. You don't really want to have your adult children avoid you like the kid who actually didn't "spend all his money on pizza", do you?

Remember, the purpose of parenting is to prepare our children for adulthood. And adults aren't supposed to need to be told when to blink.