Please Fix My Kid

That's what I hear from many parents in so many words. There is something their kid is doing (or not doing) and they need to change. The behavior is unacceptable or annoying and they just need to shape up yesterday!

One kid I met needed fixing because he won't control his anger at home. He will argue, sass, yell, kick and scream. The younger siblings like to antagonize him and mom is at her wit's end. Sure, we can all agree that there is an anger issue to deal with. We did the "counting to ten" and deep, measured breathing exercises. That works while I am there to coach him through it. But the remaining 171 hours of the week? It's up to mom to reinforce and not react. And that's not what happens. He gets angry - she retorts. He hits the window - she yells. He kicks the wall - she threatens. And so the cycle goes. That is one angry kid we need to fix, right?

Wrong. In my master's work I have begun to study family theories. One theory really bursts my finger-pointing bubble. That's the one that looks at a family as a system rather than at the individuals in the family. It looks at how the family members relate to one another and the roles they take on instead. So, rather than trying to "fix" the angry kid, we look at the family as a whole. Doing that gives more insight into how the family operates and sheds light on the anger as well.

In this case, we see that the mom and son have a relationship that consists of yelling back and forth. That is their "normal" - not that it's desirable, it's just how they have become accustomed to relate. Add in other siblings who define themselves as the ones who like to see big brother yelled at - of course they are going to contribute to that fun! Throw in different fathers and a new boyfriend and another layer is added: the children are not the focal point. Yet mom just wants her angry kid fixed so he won't yell. What will it be like at home if he does decide to curb it? Everyone will have to learn a new way of operating in the system. It's entirely possible to do that, and it's also possible for others to change instead, which would help the angry boy define himself differently. But if no one is willing to work consistently on anything, this is the way it's going to stay.

I grew up with a sibling who was identified as the Problem in our family. Boy did they ever need fixing! At least that's how my parents treated things, so I joined in. I was the sister of the Problem. Now that I see that we were also a system, I realize that we defined ourselves based upon the trouble the Problem was causing. They never did stop the trouble, so we were left with a weak family system. When my mom died, the Problem physically left (having defined themselves as the one mom rescued) and never returned. My father remarried, pretending the original family and its members never existed. He created a new family instead. Are you surprised to hear that the new family operated the same as ours had? Yup. There was a "problem" there and everyone rose to mask the issues again.

This is pretty amazing stuff to ponder. So, if you have a kid that needs fixing, try this instead. Look at who is in your family and how they each relate to one another. Sometimes you can bring about change (say in an angry kid) by having someone else change the way they are reacting. If my parents hadn't melted down each time the problem kid got into trouble, perhaps there wouldn't have been so much trouble? At the very least, they could have been a lot less anxious by not allowing that kid to determine their lives. In the case of the mom with the angry son - if she would stop participating, he would lose his audience. Right now she has decided it bothers her greatly but if she would decide to place zero value on it, he would come to realize there has been a relationship change.

Parents who dare to try something new need something besides determination. They need to be consistent. None of this will work if you ping pong and try it here and there. You have to repeat, repeat, repeat and resolve that it is for the good of the family. It's also kind. Rather than teaching a kid that THEY are THE ONE who.... (fill in the blank), we teach the family that we are indeed a system and that each one of us is very important.

If you have learned to live in a pointing, blaming family this will be a huge refocus for you - but so worth it! And, just like I did, you can do this retroactively and put old issues to rest. I hope you have some helpful a-ha moments.

Going Zero-Tolerance on Fits

We've all observed the mom with the screaming kid in Target throwing a fit because they must have that one toy RIGHT NOW. The kid is howling and crying so loudly you can hear him in the back of the store (almost) and he has worked himself into a sweat. Determined to get her way, the kid throws herself on the floor near the cashier to thrash it out. She's thinking if she can only stay loud and embarrassing long enough, she can force her mother to buy her that thing. Surely, mom will cave in. So the kid persists. Other shoppers glance their way and have their own judgmental thoughts. Some even have pity - they've been there. About half the time, I see the distraught mother give in. The fit worked. The kid smiles smugly as they open their "reward" for a job well played. Mom thinks she has bought silence. Mom is wrong. Mom has just made a deposit into the bank account of "Monster".

Did you know that developmentally, fits should not be occurring past the age of four?  That eight-year-old Target kid is way out of line.

The next time you are faced with a fit, try following these guidelines to remain the one with all the power. "Loud" will learn it no longer has control.

1. Don't let them win now. In the big scheme of things, they will lose.  If you want to raise a solid citizen, you cannot allow them to win with a fit. This is indeed one of the hills to die on. I know one family's mom who constantly allowed her son to cry and beg for a toy while grocery shopping. She always gave in and the boy got his toy. While she would tell her older child she was "just doing this to get him to be quiet" she was teaching both that she had no backbone and could be manipulated to perform according to the son's whims. And that is exactly what happened to the boy. He had his mom wrapped around his finger and got everything he wanted. He never learned the life skills of self management or honesty and grew up to become a mysogenist and a criminal with an addiction problem. Today he is 50 years old and still blames everyone else for all his problems. Thanks to that mom who aided and abetted in setting him on the losing path.

Okay, that is an extreme example. But fits can have all the power you give them. Or, they can become fruitless acts that bring about undesirable consequences for the kid attempting to use them as a club to get their way.

2. Keep your cool - even if you have to fake it. Long before my kids were old enough to have a fit, I had determined to become fit-intolerant. Screaming, banging, tapping, whining, crying and threats did not change my mind. My "yes" was yes, and my "no" was no, period. If my kid started a meltdown in a public place, we immediately left and went home. That includes leaving a whole cart of groceries behind. Our message was that behavior was not fit for public consumption. And they did not get to come along the next time, either. If the fit was at home, they were ushered into their room calmly (the key is to remain calm) and told that they can be upset in their room, but the rest of the house was for the happy people. They are welcome to return once they have decided to calm down and be pleasant. "But by all means, go ahead and be as upset for as long as you like...in your room."

Once my kids realized they were bumping into a stone wall of resistance, they gave up attempting to use fits for personal gain and began using their words. Hey - a blessing in disguise!

3. Protect the zen of your home and the rest of the family. Just because one of your kids has decided to get out of control (and I do believe it is a decision) does not mean they are entitled to all the air space and attention in your home. Quite the opposite. No one else needs to be subjected to their noise or actions - that is not fair to them. If a bunch of kids are playing and one doesn't get their way and starts to sulk, ignore them. If they start yelling or hurting other kids - remove them. The opportunity to play is no longer available.  Once they have decided to calm down, personal apologies are in order. 

4. Let your actions and consequences do the talking. Make it unattractive for older fit-throwers to continue on this path. In my work with families, I strongly coach the culprits that it is absolutely unacceptable to throw a fit. Ever. Together, we create a list of "rules" to follow when starting to get angry. They are immediately and calmly dismissed from the area if they start to heat up. Their audience is removed.  If they became destructive, privileges and toys are removed. In an extreme case we removed all of the extra special things that mom was doing. After all, how can there be an exhausting, screaming fit followed by that trip to Dairy Queen later? We cannot reward unacceptable behavior and we can't back down. Especially if you have a repeat offender. One who is sorry a little bit later and sweet as pie only to do it all over again the next day.

In extreme cases, you can bag up the toys for a time and have them earn them back with good behavior. You can also tie things to their behavior. They can watch a TV show later if they have behaved appropriately. They can play a video game if they have managed their emotions.You get the idea. If they have not "earned" the privilege they expected, simply shrug and state that their behavior is their choice. Walk away and do not engage.

5. Give yourself some time-outs. Especially if you are battling some strong wills or special needs every waking hour of the day. Arrange for help and go out for coffee. Sit with your spouse and be sure they understand the level of emotional exhaustion you are dealing with. Get some form of physical exercise. Take a bubble bath, enlist help with the chores. Don't try to do everything on your own. If you are parenting solo, relax some of the expectations you have put on yourself. Cereal can too be a dinner. One family I knew insisted that it was lights out by 7:30 every night in order to have some quiet time in the house for adults. Another family had two hours of quiet each afternoon - the kids did not need to nap, but they had to be on their beds with a book or drawing tablet and they had to keep quiet. Do what it takes to keep your energy up and anxiety down. If it is insanity to go to the grocery store with all the kids, don't. You can go later, get a sitter or order online. And don't tell me it's more expensive. That small delivery fee is worth the lack of hassle and they even accept coupons.

I hope that you don't have the extreme case in your family, but if you do, my heart goes out to you. Hang in and stand firm. The light at the end of the tunnel is the more responsible adult you are developing. Keep that in mind.

And remember, if you get your 11-year-old Red Cross Training, you can do what I did when it got crazy in our house: grab your keys and leave them to figure it out and go enjoy a nice mocha at the local coffee shop.