What Kind of Fit is Your Kid Having?

One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.

Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).

I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)

But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.

Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.

Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.

Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.

The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.

Going Zero-Tolerance on Fits

We've all observed the mom with the screaming kid in Target throwing a fit because they must have that one toy RIGHT NOW. The kid is howling and crying so loudly you can hear him in the back of the store (almost) and he has worked himself into a sweat. Determined to get her way, the kid throws herself on the floor near the cashier to thrash it out. She's thinking if she can only stay loud and embarrassing long enough, she can force her mother to buy her that thing. Surely, mom will cave in. So the kid persists. Other shoppers glance their way and have their own judgmental thoughts. Some even have pity - they've been there. About half the time, I see the distraught mother give in. The fit worked. The kid smiles smugly as they open their "reward" for a job well played. Mom thinks she has bought silence. Mom is wrong. Mom has just made a deposit into the bank account of "Monster".

Did you know that developmentally, fits should not be occurring past the age of four?  That eight-year-old Target kid is way out of line.

The next time you are faced with a fit, try following these guidelines to remain the one with all the power. "Loud" will learn it no longer has control.

1. Don't let them win now. In the big scheme of things, they will lose.  If you want to raise a solid citizen, you cannot allow them to win with a fit. This is indeed one of the hills to die on. I know one family's mom who constantly allowed her son to cry and beg for a toy while grocery shopping. She always gave in and the boy got his toy. While she would tell her older child she was "just doing this to get him to be quiet" she was teaching both that she had no backbone and could be manipulated to perform according to the son's whims. And that is exactly what happened to the boy. He had his mom wrapped around his finger and got everything he wanted. He never learned the life skills of self management or honesty and grew up to become a mysogenist and a criminal with an addiction problem. Today he is 50 years old and still blames everyone else for all his problems. Thanks to that mom who aided and abetted in setting him on the losing path.

Okay, that is an extreme example. But fits can have all the power you give them. Or, they can become fruitless acts that bring about undesirable consequences for the kid attempting to use them as a club to get their way.

2. Keep your cool - even if you have to fake it. Long before my kids were old enough to have a fit, I had determined to become fit-intolerant. Screaming, banging, tapping, whining, crying and threats did not change my mind. My "yes" was yes, and my "no" was no, period. If my kid started a meltdown in a public place, we immediately left and went home. That includes leaving a whole cart of groceries behind. Our message was that behavior was not fit for public consumption. And they did not get to come along the next time, either. If the fit was at home, they were ushered into their room calmly (the key is to remain calm) and told that they can be upset in their room, but the rest of the house was for the happy people. They are welcome to return once they have decided to calm down and be pleasant. "But by all means, go ahead and be as upset for as long as you like...in your room."

Once my kids realized they were bumping into a stone wall of resistance, they gave up attempting to use fits for personal gain and began using their words. Hey - a blessing in disguise!

3. Protect the zen of your home and the rest of the family. Just because one of your kids has decided to get out of control (and I do believe it is a decision) does not mean they are entitled to all the air space and attention in your home. Quite the opposite. No one else needs to be subjected to their noise or actions - that is not fair to them. If a bunch of kids are playing and one doesn't get their way and starts to sulk, ignore them. If they start yelling or hurting other kids - remove them. The opportunity to play is no longer available.  Once they have decided to calm down, personal apologies are in order. 

4. Let your actions and consequences do the talking. Make it unattractive for older fit-throwers to continue on this path. In my work with families, I strongly coach the culprits that it is absolutely unacceptable to throw a fit. Ever. Together, we create a list of "rules" to follow when starting to get angry. They are immediately and calmly dismissed from the area if they start to heat up. Their audience is removed.  If they became destructive, privileges and toys are removed. In an extreme case we removed all of the extra special things that mom was doing. After all, how can there be an exhausting, screaming fit followed by that trip to Dairy Queen later? We cannot reward unacceptable behavior and we can't back down. Especially if you have a repeat offender. One who is sorry a little bit later and sweet as pie only to do it all over again the next day.

In extreme cases, you can bag up the toys for a time and have them earn them back with good behavior. You can also tie things to their behavior. They can watch a TV show later if they have behaved appropriately. They can play a video game if they have managed their emotions.You get the idea. If they have not "earned" the privilege they expected, simply shrug and state that their behavior is their choice. Walk away and do not engage.

5. Give yourself some time-outs. Especially if you are battling some strong wills or special needs every waking hour of the day. Arrange for help and go out for coffee. Sit with your spouse and be sure they understand the level of emotional exhaustion you are dealing with. Get some form of physical exercise. Take a bubble bath, enlist help with the chores. Don't try to do everything on your own. If you are parenting solo, relax some of the expectations you have put on yourself. Cereal can too be a dinner. One family I knew insisted that it was lights out by 7:30 every night in order to have some quiet time in the house for adults. Another family had two hours of quiet each afternoon - the kids did not need to nap, but they had to be on their beds with a book or drawing tablet and they had to keep quiet. Do what it takes to keep your energy up and anxiety down. If it is insanity to go to the grocery store with all the kids, don't. You can go later, get a sitter or order online. And don't tell me it's more expensive. That small delivery fee is worth the lack of hassle and they even accept coupons.

I hope that you don't have the extreme case in your family, but if you do, my heart goes out to you. Hang in and stand firm. The light at the end of the tunnel is the more responsible adult you are developing. Keep that in mind.

And remember, if you get your 11-year-old Red Cross Training, you can do what I did when it got crazy in our house: grab your keys and leave them to figure it out and go enjoy a nice mocha at the local coffee shop.