Leaving No Stone Unturned

One of my driving forces is that when something needs to happen, I exhaust the possibilities with research beyond what it would normally take. After all, I have to accomplish this thing. I don't do one thing and wait, I do a number of things and keep going until I unearth the answer or achieve the goal.

Simple Example: when we were moving back to the Minneapolis area a few months ago and looking for a rental home, I did the usual Craigslist and online searches. Then I emailed friends I knew were connected to real estate. I even went on Face Book. Guess what? It was the FB post that landed us our home.

When both my kids were little, I asked them each the following question: You are on an important journey that takes you on a long path through a forrest. As you walk along, suddenly you come upon a HUGE boulder as big as our house! It is blocking the path. What do you do? The answer I prayed not to hear was something like "sit down and wait for help" or "turn around". Thankfully, both of my kids indicated different tactics they would take to get past the boulder and continue on the journey.

Okay you might be saying, that is nice story but what about in real life? Would they still get past that boulder? I am happy to report a resounding yes.

Just the other day my second born had his real life "boulder" experience at school. He was taking his fourth high school lab science class and didn't think he would need it for graduation and wanted to drop it as it was an elective. He went to the counselor who did not know if all of the other three counted as lab science. He went to the current teacher who didn't know, either. He emailed the university he wants to apply to and asked them. Knowing he was not going to get an answer right away, we sought out the teacher of the prior science class in question who told him it indeed counted. There was not another thing he could have done to cover all his bases. After a few days he was able to drop the course - he only had to wait a little while. But he could rest during his waiting knowing that he had done as much as he could to unearth the answer he needed. He was prepared to continue the class if need be, but was thrilled he did not have to.

I didn't know anything about the details until he got home from school that day. All I knew was that he was going to try and drop the class if he had all the necessary credits. He took over and got the answers - he didn't just walk up to one person and stop there. My respect for him has soared!

The other day I got the confirmation that he has that even-keeled determination and critical thinking to handle situations even when the facts say otherwise. He does not need to be told how to think things through by another entity. He will not be blindly lead or swallow everything up front as if it is a truth.

Hallelujah I've got two of these!!!

Passing On Fear

Am I over-sharing if I tell you that my favorite guilty pleasure on television is the reality show Giuliana and Bill? When it comes on, my husband groans and leaves the room, so now I record it and watch it later. Giuliana Rancic is very open about her phobias in her TV show also featuring hubby Bill and miracle baby Duke. Now that they are parents, I get a kick out of the lengths they will earnestly explore in order to parent their son.

The other night, Giuliana had a beauty pageant to host, so Bill flew to Lake Michigan with the baby to teach him not to be afraid of the water like his mother. He bundled the approximate 9-month-old into a water safety suit, climbed into a giant inner tub and held him tightly while a speed boat pulled them around. When Giuliana joined them, they went to the top of a sky scraper and walked to the edge of the balcony. The trouble was, the floor became glass so it looked like you were walking over nothing. Bill and the Baby did just fine, but Giuliana couldn't do it. She kept saying things like, "Baby Duke, you're not gonna be afraid like Mommy, right?"

I think parents can pass on fears by how they address them or what they demonstrate to their kids. Announcing it like Giuliana did won't work. All that did was call attention to it. The good news is that at this age, Duke probably didn't know what mom was saying - but I bet he could pick up her vibe of anxiety.

Rather than pass on my fears, I would rather my kids get some of their own. In a perfect world, it would be great if no one was crippled by any fears and just had those healthy ones like don't stick your hand on the stove. However, I understand Giuliana's fear of heights full well. The difference is that instead of showing it to my kids, I just stepped aside and let Granda take them up to the top or let Dad take them on the world's tallest roller coaster. I let them know I wasn't comfortable but urged them to have fun. Now it is the family inside joke. Fine with me, I'm still waiting by the ground floor exit.

Being raised by a mother who was afraid of her own shadow was tough. She expected me not to "step on a crack" or not "walk under a ladder" right along with her. When I was seven, I accidentally broke a small mirror. "Oh no," she solemnly warned me, "Now you're going to have seven years of bad luck!" And while she never brought that up again, I remember thinking that the "bad" things that happened were a result of that mirror and counting the years until I was 14. And wouldn't you know, I broke another mirror then.

Parents are the front-line influencers of our children for the first dozen years, until peers creep in and seem to take over our role for awhile. We have to remember it is much less what we say than what we display. My mom never said she was afraid of small spaces, she just screeched and clasped me in elevators. She never said she was afraid of fire, she just counted all the stove burners that were shut off before we left the house. While all of this was happening, I thought it was normal. After all, this was my mom and my family.

It took time to see that her anxiety was not like other moms, and by the time I was in my mid-teens, would gently tease her. But she took her fears seriously and gave them a place to live inside her. What she unintentionally taught was that "something bad was going to happen". Remember, she never said it, she just lived it. Of course her own childhood had a great deal to do with it - I never knew those details until I was an adult.

There are reasons why someone can become anxious, but they don't have to become the excuse. And we don't have to use it as permission to stay that way. We can work through anxiety and fear with good counseling. We don't have to be governed by it. And that's why I tried not to give too much attention to my fear of heights in front of my kids. Neither one of them have developed that fear. I just don't like being on the edge of a drop-off, that's all.

So to Giuliana, I say hats off to you for acknowledging your fears and wanting to deal with them. Just don't involve your baby. While he is learning life, don't call attention to your angst and to the best of your ability, let him grow without passing on a mantle too heavy and burdensome. So, get ready for when he climbs to the top of the jungle gym in about six months!

So, Do You Think He Likes Me?

This is a heartbreaking story about an innocent 6th grade girl well-loved and intentionally parented by  a highly degreed mother and father. She lived in a fine neighborhood, had already been taught to volunteer, and was an excellent student. She had been exposed to art, travel and had a number of hobbies designed to put her ahead of other college candidates one day.

She was a sweet girl who assertively sold wrapping paper for her school's fundraiser, made great conversation with adults and was set up for success. One weekend, she eagerly accepted an invitation to a middle school party only to find out parents weren't visible even though she and her mother had been told otherwise. She was the last one anyone would think would end up drinking and having intercourse with a boy she had never met before. After the party, her only concern was wondering if the boy liked her.

A mere child just old enough to babysit ignorantly gave up her virginity and possibly exposed herself to how many STDs and her only question was,"Do you think he likes me?"

Boom! This epitomizes the gender difference between young adolescents. Girls are thinking about skipping through the English Garden, linen dress billowing in the gentle breeze strolling hand-in-hand with a pimple-less lad reciting poetry as they sip lemonade. Most teen guys are testosterone-driven thinking mainly about how they can "get some". This precious girl wasn't prepared for that and allowed the ultimate act to be performed on her, and did not comprehend what she had done.

This story illustrates the fact that young teens are still concrete thinkers, unable to process thoughts and experiences in the manner adults do. She didn't even understand the long-term ramifications because she wasn't supposed to be having intercourse yet. As parents and caregivers, it is our moral responsibility to prepare our children for unexpected sexual situations and coach them about what it means (and doesn't mean) and how to safely leave the situation without compromising their purity.

Popular Christian parenting curriculum the past 18 years centers around having a purity weekend with a parent of the same sex honoring the new 13-year-old. All kinds of materials, information and scripture is discussed. At the close of the weekend, the new teen receives some sort of symbol (a ring, a necklace, a bracelet) that they can wear until their wedding one day. They have made a covenant between themselves and God.

While I applaud the weekend idea, I think it is far too late to wait until age 13 to bring up many of the details regarding purity. Remember, the girl in this story was barely 12. Her parents were so busy trying to cover all the opportunities and education, they overlooked training about her body or surprise sexual and social situations. She was intelligent and level-headed, so they didn't have a worry.

From the time my kids could talk, I have told them that their body belongs only to them and that no one should touch them if they don't want them to. (That includes those forced hugs from relatives that makes kids squirm.) No one should ever  touch them on body parts covered by a swimsuit much less see them. Only doctors in the doctor's office were allowed to see or touch their bodies there, and only for an examination. One day when they were grown up, their husband or wife would be able to love and touch them anywhere they wanted. But while they are growing up, that is not safe. I also taught them to tell me if any other child or adult tried to touch them.

I am glad I had this talk, because my five-year-old son was able to tell me about the 10-year-old boy in the summer day camp bathroom who wanted to examine him. If he had not been pre-armed to be aware (not scared - just aware), who knows what might have happened?

Having these sensitive conversations should include age-appropriate content (at attention-span length) and should always be conducted calmly and couched with parental concern for the child's well-being. In later elementary years, purity can also be introduced. Caveat: In no way is this about the popular word "shame". We do not want our children to be ashamed of their bodies, but to understand how special their bodies are and that they are created in God's image. Therefore, they should treat their bodies accordingly and allow things at the appropriate time in life. They are the only ones in charge of their bodies.

What happened to the girl? She told her mom who promptly took her for a medical exam. The mom called the host parents. They had more in-depth conversations after that and were more cautious. She continued to excel in all areas of talent and grew up to be a healthy young woman. But no one could take back that one night when she lost her innocense.

The Kitchen is Closed

When my daughter was in third grade, we went out to dinner at the local burger joint along with a neighbor and her third and first grade sons. We each ordered for ourselves and kids and waited at the counter for our trays of burgers and fries to be ready. I remember that the mother had some coaching to do with the first grade son, but didn't think too much about it.

That is, until we sat down in our booth and began unwrapping our burgers. Much to the first grade son's disappointment, the burger he unwrapped was not the child-size one he had ordered. It was the regular size burger with exactly the same condiments and cheese requested. He began to pout loudly and whine to his mother.

My girl and I exchanged glances, uncertain what the problem was because he got what he wanted - just a little bigger. He could eat a little less and be fine. No big deal, right? Wrong. He continued to whimper and his mother continued to coddle him until she appologetically went back to the counter and ordered him a new, smaller burger. She had a big smile that she had pleased her son, and he happily bit into his perfect burger.

I thought she had just taught her sons that they can have whatever they wanted and cringed for their future wives who would have to live up to high expectations.

Over the years I have met many a parent who has catered to her child's eating whims. They have gone so far as to create separate meals in order to get them to eat. As they explain their predicament to me, they shrug as if they are powerless and continue to outline the lengths they have gone to get something edible down the throat of their child.

Perhaps because I was once just such a finicky eater (PBJs every day for a year) I determined not to to bring another such person into the world.

So in my grown-up house, we serve the same dinner to everyone. That is the food available for the meal, period. You can't turn your nose up to what has been prepared and go make macaroni. You can, however, have a bowl of cereal later if you ate dinner and are still hungry. I have encouraged our kids to at least taste something new, and if they really do hate it, we don't force it. After all, I don't like beets, either.

We also got the kids cooking at an early age so they could see what went into a meal. By the time they were in early elementary grades, they would shop with me for the ingredients and work on each step of the meal with some help. There is no magic fairy in our house. The  phrase "the kitchen is closed" was implemented to keep late-nite snackers from messing up or a kid who refused dinner to try and wheedle food out of us later on . Usually we would add the time the kitchen was closed to this pronouncement. We'd say it calmly, brightly adding that "breakfast will be served at 8:00."

A huge influence on my philosophy of meal time magic comes from Dr. Kevin Leman, renowned parenting expert and psychologist for over 30 years. (Check out all his books on Amazon! They are fun reading with practical applications.) In one of his books, he shares this suggestion he gave a mom with a fussy kid who didn't like spaghetti - the rest of the family's favorite meal. Dr. Leman told the mom to make that spaghetti and set the table for everyone except the whiner, then call the family for dinner. They calmly begin serving and eating the meal. The whiner came in the room and wondered why there wasn't a plate for him, and the mom cheerfully told him, "well honey, you don't like spaghetti." The stunned kid wandered over to the kitchen counter, lifted the lid on the sauce pot and said, "well, I could eat this spaghetti." He never complained again. And yes, he even ate spaghetti.

My absolute favorite Dr. Leman story is the one where the whiney eater - sitting at the table - looks at his plate and whimpers that he doesn't like this stuff. The parent cheerfully says ""okay", stands up and takes his plate to the sink where he dumped the entire contents. They calmly return to the dinner table and continue eating. The astonished kid asks what happened. Their cheerful reply, "You said you didn't like it. Breakfast will be at 8:00. You are excused." That kid  never complained again, either. I only had to do this once. It works. The key is you being cool, calm and unruffled.

If you haven't guessed by now, my favorite way of parenting involves reality - not lecturing, not reminding. At first you will have to work at acting calmer than you really are. But very soon, if you are committed and consistent, you will realize you really are.

P.S.  You can modify these ideas for older kids who don't show up on time at the dinner table. Breakfast is at 8:00.

Bon Appetit!

Ready For The Next Stage?

Social media has been on fire the last couple of weeks with parent postings about the next stage their kids are entering. First day of Kindergarten, Middle School, High School and College. Milestones all. And not just for the kids. It is also the first for the parents. Even if they have older children who have already done this, it is a first for each child and thus a first for the parent of a child in that stage.

By far, the postings with the most emotion are from the parents sending their kids off to college. They can't believe 18 years have come and gone so quickly and share the pictures showing a baby morph into a young man or woman about to embark on their biggest adventure. They don't know how they are going to handle walking past their empty bedrooms and see them only on holidays when just a few weeks ago they were handing out chores and curfews. They are proud of the young adults their babies have become while at the same time aching that this time has come already.

The first-time college parents now have much in common with first-time newborn parents: both are traveling completely new territory and don't have the script down yet. Everything is new and roles are being defined.

This blog entry is for those of you who wonder how you can let go of your baby. Whether your first, last or only. How can you navigate these uncharted waters with this particular child?

First of all, forget the microwave. Use it only to make popcorn or steam green beans. It isn't meant for you to instantly grasp your morphing role or the realization that you will not be seeing your child on a daily basis. Recognize that this will take time for you to adapt to this changing relationship and that it is okay. Bye-bye unrealistic expectations. Dittoes for your new Freshman.

Second, you have been working toward this time ever since their very first birthday. You've walked them through each developmental step, you've provided opportunities for them to discover their passions, you've guided them in their thinking. They are ready. So are you, perhaps you just forgot that part of your job description in all the fanfare of each of their accomplishments. Deep breath. Big smile. They are so eager to test their wings right now it hasn't hit them yet like it has you.

Third, accept the fact that as "legal adults" you can no longer control, you can only guide and influence. And that is only if they want to hear your thoughts. Legally, they don't have to. And the school isn't going to send you their grades because it isn't your business now. If you are financially providing for their education, you have some clout there. If you aren't, then accept the fact that all you have is the relationship you built over the past 18 years.

That's the kind of relationship we had with our firstborn when she went off to college - relationship, period. We were not able to contribute financially so we didn't have the power to threaten financially. But she did listen to us - after awhile. We had to learn to listen to her and not share our opinions.
We did a lot of waiting and praying because we wanted her to arrive at the safest conclusion on her own.

Example:
Her: "Mom!! Guess what??? I am driving to Florida over Spring Break!!"
      My Thoughts: Oh no!! 4 innocent girls in a crappy car with thousands of drunk kids??NO!! NO!!!!!
My Words: "Wow! When are you leaving?"
Her: "Sunday."
My Words: "Where will you be staying?"
Her: "Tina's older sister's friend's aunt. She's like 26 and really cool."
     My Thoughts: NOOOOOOO!!!!
My Words: "Then you'll split gas and oil, sounds pretty inexpensive."

Following this "listening", I began fiercely praying for her wisdom and safety. A few days later, I got a call that she wasn't going to go after all, because she only had $100. "Good thinking, honey." That's all I said. I hung up and with a trembling heart of gratitude, thanked God.

This brings us to my fourth point: resist the urge to lecture, inform, remind or retort. Have your tongue cut out if you need to. Time to bring your A Game in reflective listening. The calmer you are when your new college student tests the "sharing waters" with you, the more you will hear and the more you can potentially influence. Practice neutral replies. Practice sounding calm. You can have your complete reaction after you hang up the phone. Our early adult kids need to arrive at healthy conclusions on their own. If you tell them what to do, they will either ignore you and do it anyway - or worse yet - remain a dependent child without the ability to handle situations on their own and look for the "someone else" to show them what to do.

Fifth: Resist the temptation to fret or hover. It won't do anyone any good and will only serve to give you anxiety or sound like a micro-manager and drive your kid away. I know some parents who did such a "good job" hovering over their son in high school and had their hand in how he even arranged items on his dresser, when he went off to college he didn't even call home for three weeks. The mom worried that he was "spending all his money on pizza and not eating right" and just couldn't understand why he wouldn't return their calls - "they were such a close family". Another family called their student so often it was as if they were in the dorm room right along with her. Letting them breathe is good for everyone.

Sixth: Establish reasonable expectations for communication and conduct. It is definately okay to expect your "house rules" to be respected when they come home. By the same token, Complete the ITP, review. Take client to library to practice socialization. Continue to follow up with Fish chart and behaviors toward mother. Follow up with mother's consistency and possibly add new House Rules. your instinct to want in on every detail will allow your relationship to move into the next stage. This stage will take as long as it takes  child to become a fully autonomous adult living and providing for themselves. It has only just started.

The early post-high school stage is probably the hardest because it is the first time many parents no longer see their child on a daily basis. It can be a rude awakening. Regardless if they stay at home or go away, our influence must diminish in order for all of us to deal with growing up in a healthy way.

What if you are having a hard time accepting this next stage? Seek out friends who have already navigated this well and connect with them. Start a new hobby or take a class - you're not done yet! Rearrange your house. Change up your routines. Stay away from negative thinking and negative people. Volunteer with kids younger than yours and share your expertise. Mentor a new mom. Think outside the box you know so well. Remember, this is your next stage, too.

Finally, deepen your trust in God. Experience an in-depth Bible study that increases your knowledge of God's desire for relationship. If you don't know where to look, usually large non-denominational churches in each community offer men, women or couples Bible studies. Even some smaller churches offer studies and you do not have to attend the church in order to participate. There are also several international Bible studies for men and women that are excellent at providing a foundation. Google Community Bible Study or Bible Study Fellowship and find a local church hosting these studies. (CBS now even offers home study.)

Above all else, pray. The more you pray for your child in specific ways, the closer you will feel to him and the more peace you will feel from God. Remember, God loves your child so much more than you ever could fathom! Rest in that peace and enjoy this next stage.

More is on the way! :)

Pick Your Expert Carefully

One of the cable news networks was doing a piece about a mom who contacted the FCC because ABC ran an ad for one of their steamy nighttime shows during Good Morning America. She was eating breakfast with her 8-year-old son when the ad appeared - a naked man and woman rather busy in bed. She thought this had no place being aired when young children could see it.

So the host brought in three people to discuss this. One was a parenting blogger, one was a a child psychologist and family therapist and the other was a "parenting expert". The first two descriptions pretty much tell me about their qualifications, but the third one? We were not told what made that woman an "expert". But she does have a website.

Let me tell you what the Expert said. Unlike her fellow panelists, she thought it was perfectly fine for a child to see nudity any time of the day or night. After all, they were doing what their parents do anyway and other cultures let their children see things like this.

When the others protested saying they did not want images thrust upon their children that they could not control or limit, the Expert came back saying that violence was far worse than that. Then she shared statistics about media violence. The two others brought the conversation back on topic. The Psychologist  said that developmentally a child that age is not ready for images about the body in that manner, and that viewing them could even be frightening. The Blogger said we cannot take back images once our children see them.

The Expert insisted that there were far worse things than this and that it was perfectly fine.

This interaction demonstrates the often repeated saying that there is a statistic to back up everything - any which way. But we can be smarter than that. We don't need to go looking for some fact to back up what we think. We can think what we do, period. Some times, we might be the only one in the crowd taking a stand. I sure know what that feels like. Other times, we may have some company. Either way, we are standing up for what we believe is in the best interest of our children.

Sometimes with further information, we may change our minds. I've done that. A fierce "no" has become an "okay" instead. When that is the case, I explain why I updated my thinking. Then my children learn that I am learning, too. The same is true when I have had to revoke a permission. "I know we had told you that it would be okay to ______, but here is some information that now has me concerned:________."  All is presented calmly and clearly. They know I am placing their best interests first.

The one thing I won't do is do what an expert says just because they say it. I evaluate it within the framework established for my family and check their philosophy. Sometimes I completely disagree with a philosophy but there is a really good nugget I can use. So I use the nugget.

But this time, there wasn't anything I could use from that expert. In my humble opinion, it is not society's job to decide when and what my child sees or experiences. That's my job.

P.S. The show in the ad is described by ABC as "more than just your normal story of infidelity".

Everything Isn't Always As It Seems

This summer I planted two tomato plants. At first I didn't even think they would grow because nothing seemed to happen for weeks. I just kept watering them. Suddenly, the plant on the right really sprouted. I kept watering both but thought we would probably lose the one on the left. Every few days the one on the right continued to surprise me and have another growth spurt.  It even gave birth to some green tomatoes. The one on the left finally decided to grow. It still hasn't produced any tomatoes, but it is flowering like crazy and is now taller than the one on the right.

I sure wouldn't have predicted this.

Isn't this just like life? Things look one way to us but often turn out surprisingly different once they unfold. Or, we just get more information.

Simple things like walking in the room and finding a broken lamp on the floor and several sheepish kids standing nearby. If we were but to ask "What were you trying to accomplish?" rather than begin a tirade, we might find out they weren't throwing things but were trying to dust the lamp.

Simple things like hearing screams and walking in on your kids fighting and assuming the loudest one or the oldest one surely must have started it. That quiet one, that younger one may just have your number and is enjoying their secret power.

Medium things like thinking your child who does not like school is a disappointment or isn't very smart because that is what their grades say. Perhaps they do not learn well in a classroom setting catering to auditory, compliant learners? Maybe they need to walk around as they read? Or maybe they might need extra help?

Medium things like getting an incident report sent home from your child's high school noting that your son vandalized property and immediately yelling at him. After all, he is one of those teenage boys. If you were to ask him before accepting the report as valid, you might learn all he did was unplug some computer cables in the PC lab out of boredom and the teacher checked the "most appropriate" box on a poorly designed form.

Hard things like your daughter's most smiley friend is actually the one with the most problems or is actually deviously hurting your child behind your back. Just because someone looks you in the eye and is a charmer doesn't mean that is who they are when you aren't around. Worse yet, a child in emotional or physical pain could do the same thing.

And the worst thing like your own child faking you out. They are so nice and compliant and never make a noise. They must be good, right? After all, they are quiet and they are good because they never make a peep and do well in school and might even volunteer at church camp. They feed you the lines you want to hear and you believe them... only to find out later you were played as they racked up warrants and failures such as stealing your credit card and getting DUI's. They just schmoozed you to get by and keep you in tow.

I have met people in each of the above examples. One is even mine. The stupid vandalism citation. The school's form actually categorized it as "terrorism" and did I let them have it for such a broad category. And yes, we told our son not to disrupt the class even though his father and I would have probably done the same thing. No harm was intended.

The reason I like my tomato plants is because something good and unexpected is happening  and I like to think that good things happen in life and that we should be less narrow minded and more hopeful. And we just need to keep watering so we don't miss out.