If we check out the Bible, God says a few things about the role of parents. He also includes illustrations of family scenarios - many that did not turn out well for future generations. But we know He values parents and even includes the respect for parents in his top ten list. We know He desires us to teach and train. We know He desires that each one choose to follow His Way. So, does that mean we do all of this with a fake smile?
I don't think so. Since the Bible includes so many family stories that did not turn out well, yet everyone was used for God's ultimate purpose, I believe that God wants us to be real in our everyday lives. Tempered. If we mask and hide our emotions completely, our children will not know how to manage their own feelings and reactions. They won't be prepared to be a fully functioning autonomous adult, and that's sure my goal.
This does not mean I will overshare or burden my kids, either. I grew up with a worried mother who over-shared with me, which created anxiety in me. With some kids, this can make them think they need to be the one to fix things. I've had friends whose parents never batted an eye in front of them when they were kids. (Yes, they rebelled like crazy later on.)I've known people who have had to tip-toe around a parental mood, or have grown up far too young to parent the siblings because of what was going on. These stories are all too common.
What if there is a death or divorce or other major loss? How should we act?
Kids know and sense more than they are given credit for, so I think they should be respected and let in on what's going on emotionally to certain degrees. It's okay if they see mommy crying one afternoon. "Mommy is so sad right now because she misses Grandma. Please come give me a hug." As long as the tears are not all day from bed for season after season, kids will learn that even parents have feelings.
We can let our kids know why we are sad, and then even pray with them. "We miss the baby that was in Mommy's tummy but know she is with Jesus." "It hurts so bad that we cannot keep our house, but we trust God to show us the way." Here's something I said often to my five year old during a hard divorce: "Oh, Daddy said that? I'm so sorry. Let's pray that he sees how much Jesus loves him."
I even think it is okay to be carefully honest. "Daddy wanted to be with other ladies." All delivered age-appropriately. We are here to help our kids develop a framework for the tough stuff in life, so we must be responsible with how we speak. I've seen parents demand understanding from their kids. "My back has hurt for months and YOU BETTER leave me alone right now!!" I've seen parents keep their own pain going as its own entity. One weeping woman I met at a retreat was sobbing and sobbing because of her divorce. Trying to comfort her, I asked her how long she had been divorced. Through a flood of new tears she stammered "Seven years."
While I think we should show our pain (carefully), our kids also need to see us get it back together. The younger the kid, the more important that is. Remember, one day in their little lives is full and extended. A teen can let you regroup for a day or two, but no one will handle on-going mourning. They also need us to point back to our trust in God during a difficult time. They will remember this when they are adults...or parents.
I do not have memories of parents handling grief well. At least not modeling anything for me. Lots of outbursts, shut doors and no discussion. My husband lost a brother and sister in a tragic accident when he was in eighth grade and no one ever said a thing to each other, much less held each other and cried. We've dealt with our family grief more openly. The last thing I want is for a child to stuff emotion and nurse bitterness or anxiety.
Insofar as I have been aware, I have kept it balanced and real without destroying our kids' security.
Quite the delicate balance.
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