But That's My Child!

                 

A recent Dr. Laura Program caller piqued my interest.

Caller's story: she had loaned a 'close relative' $5K over a few months, then learned and had proof that this 'relative' had gone on to steal $13K of family heirloom jewelry and later pawned them. When Dr. Laura heard the last part, she asked the the caller if she had of course made a police report. When the caller demurred, Dr. Laura went on a rant about weak people not taking a stand. They are exactly what perpetuates such awful behavior. People must go to the police! The caller then scolded the doctor by retorting; "not when it's your own child."

The good doctor's rant escalted from there. I tuned out in amazement that a parent would actually protect their thieving adult kid solely because it was their kid. If it were anyone else, different rules apply.

No one purposely intends to raise a little satan, do they? Do they really want to add another self-seeking or evil person to the planet? Bragging about the latest theft? Immoral or lazy action? Do they want to not know where all their illegitamate grandchildren are?

Why would a relative doing anything immoral or unethical get a pass just because they are related? Well, that's my sister's kid. That's my father, he's just like that. When they get out of prison, they won't have a place to go. 

There's another kind of  'pass': denial. That's when you refuse or are unable to believe that this person you gave birth to is really doing such things. The horror of it is too great to accept and so your mind plays a game and protects you by whispering that this will all go away, or isn't even happening. And if you are a parent you especially console yourself that you didn't have anything to do with this behavioral outcome.

Yes, Dr. Laura and others frequently mention that good people can raise a rotton kid. She'll chirp, "Hey Mom, two out of three ain't bad!" The miserable caller will agree and hang up still dejected about the lost one. At least this type of parent can see reality and isn't denying or accommodating, merely dealing with the deep stab of disappointment in their heart.

What about the parents who contribute to the sick behavior and keep the cycle going and thus  ruin a future generation? The ones so focused on all the drama with the problem kid that they have little time for the kid floating just fine - the good one. (The one who gets ignored at the expense of all the issues the other one brings.) In the end, they drive away the good one because their energy is directed at the alarms going off with the other one. They develop skewed relationships with their favored one and his significant others all the while their other less fingerprinted child has gone on to have their own life and family, bonding with people who will care about them.

When these parents go to bed at night, they sigh and think about the day's delimma and worry about tomorrow and what that adult child will need then. They talk to friends who will listen about their lives in terms of what has happened to them and bear no responsibility for contributing to their on-going rescuing. How could this have happened when they are so well-meaning? If they just fix things well enough, this will all be over and everyone will be happy.

These parents mistakenly place themselves in roles never designed for them to hold. They fail to recognize that each rescue builds on the last until the fully entitled conscience-less adult emerges. The one incapable of gratitude and is now entitled for all the help once given freely. Children of such a person learn this from knee-hight and get an earlier start on this kind of life.

Congratulations. All because these parents wanted to fix, not teach.