When our son was about 8 months old, I wrote a humorous article for a newsletter depicting my stress at managing a baby and a 10-year-old. The co-star of the article was this glass of water I kept pouring all day long and never found. It ends with me waiting at the end of the driveway for my hubby to come home. While the content is fact, all of it did not take place in one single day. My point was that I was frazzled and needed my man to co-parent along with me.
Last week I had a fascinating conversation with a Vietnamese woman who became a US citizen at the age of 14. She has now been here 14 years, is married, a mother and businesswoman. I will call her Mary.
Mary's father escaped Vietnam when she was just 4 years old. She remembers playing outside one day and seeing her parents hugging goodbye and asking what was going on. They told her Daddy was going to be gone a few days. A few weeks later, she learned Daddy was on his way to America to build a life for the family. It would be ten years before she saw her father again, and several years before her mother would learn if her husband was even alive.
In 1999 Vietnam, young men and fathers scraped together enough money (about $5K then) to pay their escape fees, leave oppression and try to get to America. They left with the clothes on their back and what food they could carry, boarded boats and spent years in relief camps awaiting admission and sponsor families. There was no guarantee they would ever achieve their goal and only a 50% chance of survival. Mary later learned that her father saw people die right next to him on the boat. He would rather risk his life to hopefully make a better life for his family than stay where there was no freedom. He had the full support of his wife. They valued their family futures this much.
When Mary's father left Vietnam, his wife was two months pregnant with their tenth child. She was left to raise and provide for ten children for ten years... alone. I cannot fathom that length of time! But she did it. She endured. Her small children accompanied her to the local market where she worked. Mary remembers helping at the market. She told me that she saw her mother break down many times. "But did she ever give up hope?" I wondered. "No, she never gave up hope," smiled Mary.
Once her father arrived in America some five years later, he was able to send home money from his job. His wife had to pay a hefty fee each month, but was able to bank it. After five more years, they had enough money to pay their passage and Vietnam had lifted its ban on emigration. The 6 youngest children and their mother were reunited with their father. It would take another few years and more money to bring the four oldest and their families here.
Mary's mother kept up her hope and demonstrated that to her children for a decade without little coming back from her husband. Then she even lived apart from four of her babies and their families! This woman is amazing.
How many times do I look for immediate support from people for something I have done? What if I had to wait 10 years for affirmation? This woman kept her family together as best she could and did what she had to under oppressive life circumstances. She raised her 10 children to be optimistic and warm. The more questions I asked, the more Mary chuckled at me and shrugged. They had to do what they had to do.
My worst parenting day is probably one of Mary's mother's best. I have not had to do anything that hard.
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