How to Sweat the Small Stuff

Ahhh, the unnecessary anxiety parents put upon themselves! Here are some things you can do to your children in order to twist your colon in a knot and feel like you have just chugged 3 Red Bulls so that you too can keep sweating the small stuff:

• Believe that it truly matters if your child’s socks match…or are even clean
• Insist that your children wear pajamas whist they sleep
• Wake up a sleeping baby in order to change their diaper
• Rush to school to bring a forgotten lunch or ack, library book
• Think you have to narrate everything…and that you are heard
• Tell your child their shoes are on the wrong feet
• Take away the item you just gave your kid as a distraction
• Warn your child they might get hurt
• Talk about your child in front of them as if they can’t hear
• Dress your children once they are in 1st grade
• Count their Legos
• Give them a Sippy cup after age 1 just because it is more convenient for you
• Ask your child what they want as often as possible
• Demand that the other parent perform the same tasks you do
• Coddle your child as long as possible, cut their food when they are 8
• Look for ways to say "See? I told you so!"
• Be responsible and produce all of the school supplies on Day 1 no matter how many stores you had to drive to and worry about it
• Make sure they have a great hairstyle when you go out in public
• Decide that if other adults do not act as you do, they are unqualified to interface with your child
• Enforce everything they eat and lose sleep if they don’t follow your menu
• Cater to their every yelp
• Be embarrassed about your child’s public behavior instead of taking reasonable, reality action
• Do their homework with them to the point they rely on you
• Train them to come and confirm their every action with you first
• Pack their individual outfits in Ziploc bags when traveling, complete with underwear and socks
• Use Post-Its whenever possible to teach advanced reading skills to two-year olds
• Always keep a hovering eye and even interrupt adult conversations to micromanage basic actions
• Do not think about the kids’ needs when disciplining, only think about what is most convenient for you and save time
• Allow others to do things with your kids that are not part of your family plan because you are afraid you will make someone mad