Conflict Is Inevitable

How many times have you heard someone say (or said yourself) "I don't like conflict." It can be as simple as speaking up to a supervisor who forgot to schedule you for a day off you requested three weeks ago. Or it can be as simple as telling your server your steak is cold. Maybe it goes up a notch because you have a friend that seems to cancel dates and you want to say something about that. Or perhaps your teen is sullen and glares at you when you ask them to finish their chore? What about a spouse or partner's response when you try to bring up how you are feeling?

I believe that the North American culture has sent us a message through our buffet of media formats  and social customs that conflict is bad. Something is wrong if you experience conflict. You will cause a problem with your supervisor, friend or spouse if you voice your opinion or need. Someone will get mad at you if you speak up. Speaking up means you are stirring up emotions. They won't like you anymore. We'd better be quiet. Who wants to be known as a contentious person, anyway?

In my current studies, I have just had an a-ha moment about conflict. North America is wrong. Conflict isn't "bad" just like anger isn't "bad". It's how we handle it that can turn out positive or negative. Bringing up a topic does not mean there is going to be conflict. That's in our anxious minds. Few people want to rock the boat so they keep their mouths shut and don't get their needs met thinking that sharing a need will "cause conflict".  But their idea of " not rocking the boat" can be to eat that cold steak and pay full price for it. That shows their kids that it is not good to speak up. Sometimes those that do speak up do so loudly it becomes a blast of rage. That's not what I'm talking about. It is okay to speak up. In their book "The Family" Ballswick and Ballswick (2014) state that that conflict can never be resolved, therefore we should reframe how we handle it as "conflict management" . I love this concept! Rather than avoid it or seek to seal it up and expect another person to swallow your perspective and call it resolved - what if your plan is to gently state your perspective and manage it instead?  Just like diets are never really over, they just morph into menu management?

Using the example of your supervisor's unintentional scheduling you for a day you requested off, you can go to her and use "I" statements. "I requested the 30th off for my grandma's 90th birthday three weeks ago and noticed I am scheduled to work that day. Can you please help me work this out?" This addresses your area of concern and is NOT conflict. Flouncing up to your supervisor and snapping "Why did you schedule me to work when you knew I needed that day off???" is definitely asking for conflict.  Going to your peers and complaining is useless. See the differences? In one approach, you state what you needed, in the others you blamed and accused. In the first approach, chances are very high that you will be able to enter into a problem-solving conversation with your supervisor that will result in you getting time off for grandma's party. In the second approaches your supervisor is most likely going to be defensive and things will escalate and you will have brought negativity to your peers.

And what about the twinge you get when you know a relative will "get mad at you" if you don't show up for a function? That isn't really conflict. That's their reaction, period.  (Their own deal, not yours.) And if you fear they will "yell at you" for stating that you aren't able to attend, that's still not conflict. It only becomes conflict if you stay on the phone and listen or respond to their rant or accusations. If you do things out of fear of upsetting someone else, you are being manipulated and that's another blog topic.

You can manage your way through any form of conflict by listening carefully and being objective. Try to see the other person's viewpoint. Your relative is yelling at you, that's rude. But what is behind that? Do they feel rejected? Are they controllers and you showed some power? Whatever it is, you can say "I see how my inability to attend that function is upsetting for you." Letting them know you recognize their emotion can help de-escalate the situation. Using "you" statements will do the opposite. Don't fall into that, even if that is what the other person resorts to. That is indeed big-time conflict with little chance of being managed and a great chance of harming the relationship. Not a good weather report.

What if we thought about conflict as a management opportunity rather that something we have to "win"? The only winners in conflict are people that are willing to listen to the other party without putting themselves first. If you find yourself blaming others when they try to bring something up, it is likely that you have shut down the communication.  Just because they aren't talking about that anymore - or they complied to your demand - doesn't mean you won a thing. Only in your mind. You won't draw closer to them if you do not acknowledge either their emotions or responsibility. When we drop the idea of winning and replace it with the idea of learning how to manage our emotions and words responsibly, we are also demonstrating strength to our ever-watching kids. One of the best things we can model and teach our kids is how to handle the inevitable "conflicts" we all face in everyday life. It starts with listening.

Here's to launching a generation of adults who won't "be afraid" about what others will say or respond to when they have a reasonable request! Remember, your body language and tone says as much - or more - than your words.

4 Questions NOT To Ask Your Kids

Or, we could call this Four Ways Not to Hear the Dreaded "I Don't Know" answer.

#1.  What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
As a kid, one of the most common questions I was asked by well-meaning dinner party guests was "... and what do you want to be when you grow up?" Initially, I froze. Remember, little kids are concrete thinkers. I thought I'd better get the answer correct and usually came up with "teacher" although it wasn't really something I gave much thought to. Of course I got the approving nod. Later, my parents began to groom me to be a business woman without asking about my own passion. I did not live up to those standards but have lived a meaningful life in spite of the brainwashing.

As a mom, I was careful to avoid this question. I did not want my children to grow up thinking there was just one thing they could do or be.  And I was not about to tell them what to do. Instead, I would say something like "what is something that sounds fun to do when you are a grown up?" That way, options were left open to their development and imagination. If you think both questions sound the same, just stop reading this blog. My philosophy is all about the way we frame things for our kids in order to allow them to reach their own conclusions in a safe environment. If you don't place a high value on words or tones, this blog does you no good.

And whatever your kids say, sound agreeable - unless they plan to become a bank robber or outcast. My creative, smart five-year-old insisted for as many more years that she was going to grow up and be a cheesemaker. While I thought she could do so many other things, I verbally encouraged her and asked to have some Gouda. She grew out of that idea by middle school. All on her own.

#2.  How Was School Today?
That's universal code for kids to say a one-word answer like "good" or "fine" to get you off their back. You aren't going to get much detail about the eight hours they were out of your sight with that one.  Of course you want to know what they did, where they sat, how they felt. Did they pay attention? Do they understand what was taught? Was anything controversial said by a teacher? Did anyone hurt their feelings - or did they hurt someone else? You haven't seen them all day.

There are other ways to get the information you want.  First of all, resist the urge to offer up a yes/no question. It's another way for them to toss out the answer they think you are looking for and you really won't learn anything new. I used to play the "3 Things" game. Each of us had to share three things that happened during the day that the other one would not know about. So, they couldn't tell me what sandwich they ate for lunch if I had made it. I couldn't tell them I was wearing jeans. They can see that. This game worked well. I got a lot of information to start conversations from this. Another thing to do is ask who they sat with at lunch or played with at recess. You can always ask to see their planner or homework to get an idea of how they are doing in school. When our kids were in high school, we put them in charge of reading Moodle and reporting back to us about the status of their assignments. (P.S. Parents please don't immediately get upset when you read online that a grade is lower than expected. Teachers routinely post a few days later than assignments are due and you won't have a current picture. Save your angst for concrete facts.)

#3.  Why Did You Do That?
Especially with kids under the age of 10, this is just plain silly. They pinched the baby. They shoved their brother. They repeatedly snapped the lid when you told them to stop. They took the toy away from the dog. They stood in front of the bathroom sink letting the water run. They colored on the doll's face. They threw the Lego. They put the empty milk carton back in the fridge. On and on and on it goes. These guys are concrete thinkers, remember? They can't answer this question to your satisfaction. That's because the answer will not paint them in very good light. Sometimes it's a skill thing. Sometimes it's to stir up trouble. Sometimes it's attention-seeking.

Instead, try taking a mental step back and assess. If' it's attention-seeking, make a statement like "Tonya, we don't take things away from others. We ask nicely. Please come over here and..." If it's a skill thing, use calm wording to reframe they way to do it. "Albert, when the carton is empty, we throw it away and write 'milk' on the grocery list. Thank you." You get it. Another thing to ask gets to the intention behind the situation. Say you walk into the room and there is a broken lamp on the floor. Instead of demanding to know who "did it", ask what they were trying to accomplish instead. You might find out someone wasn't playing football in the house after all. They might have been trying to dust or change a lightbulb - neither worthy of a parental rant.

#4.  How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?
This is one many of us grew up hearing from our own parents and we accidentally channel that useless question. My husband had a tough time letting go of this one. One day I came into the room with his lecture face asking our eight-year-old this very question. Her eyes were locked on his and her face was frozen. I could see numbers slowing floating through her mind - searching for the correct one to offer up. So I cheerfully walked over and said "Honey, are you wanting her to give you an actual numerical response because that's what she's searching her brain for right now." He chuckled, she chuckled and he restated what it was he wanted her to understand without the silly question as the introduction.

Note to self: anytime you hear "I don't know" is your signal that you need to rephrase your question or statement. The more you affirm your kiddos when the do the work to communicate, the more they will know what your are looking for and the odds increase that you will enjoy more communication between the two of you as they develop.  #positveexperience

Why Same Page Parenting Is So Important

If you've been reading my blog at all, you have heard me touch on the importance of parents being on the same page. Because of my continued experience with families struggling to parent their kiddos, it's time for me to bring this topic up once again.

It will not do your kid any good if parents can't or won't agree on their approach. Your kid needs one approach, not two or more. Not only do you both need to be on the same page, you need to remain consistent. It won't do to say "yes" to staying up one time and "no" another. Their minds are still developing and they need to count on you to give them the framework to feel secure. It won't do to allow candy "just this one time" when you don't want them to have it ever. They are counting on you to define their security and they need you to keep it stable for them.

If you are not in agreement about something with the other parent, have that conversation out of earshot or eyesight of your kids. In front of your kids, you are one united unit. If they come up to you and ask if they can do something, be aware they might have already asked the other parent and gotten a "no", so ask them if they asked before you reply. I can't tell you how many times my hubby came in the room, saw a kid doing something and asked me why I had let them. Each time, they had already asked him first. After much practice, I became adept at asking "what did Dad say??" and seeing a frustrated kid slink away. Still tempted to argue in front of the kids so you can be right about something? Congratulations. You will teach your kid to disrespect the other parent and that disrespect can blossom into some pretty ugly stuff the older they get. Including disrespect of another gender or even authority.

Still not convinced both parents need to be a united front? Maybe you are divorced and don't see the need? Wrong. If you are sharing custody this is certainly tough, but it's doable for the sake of the kid. Let me repeat. For. The. Sake. Of. Your. Kid. Not your ego or anger toward the ex. For. Your. Kid. I hope and pray you want a healthy, functioning adult kid one day more than you hate the ex. For their good, you both need to unify and present a solid front on the major things like driving, curfew, grades. Pick the big ones only - leave the socks, candy and menus up to each "home". Remember to think about what it would be like for you to move back and forth every other week. (Wait, maybe they should stay in the house and the parents should move back and forth?) If you have a boy, there is a huge likelihood he will be bigger than either one of you while he still lives at home. If you have not insisted on respecting parents while he is still short, good luck when he can deck you flat and outweighs you. Fathers should reinforce respect of mothers when their sons mouth off or diss her by standing firm about "his woman" being treated right. Alpha male time, dads! Moms should do the same for fathers.

Be willing to listen to the other parent's ideas. If their reasoning is only because that's the way their parents did something but you have research to show otherwise, listen up and let go. It's not about being right. It's about the good of your kid. Attend parenting workshops to get you started or read some good parenting books (Dr. Kevin Leman is an awesome author of many) and blogs.

In my years of working with families, it is usually the father's lack of interest or busyness that gets the parents off of the same page. Some times fathers assign things like talking about sexuality to mom as "women's work". Some times fathers won't pick up the book that mom has put right in front of them. Some fathers dismiss the mom's ideas as silly and insist on barking orders instead. Or, they hover and call and text multiple times a day to know every single action going on. My own father communicated only through my mother, the mouthpiece. He elected himself as royalty.  There is no excuse for a father not to participate in parenting his kids. Not one. Not even being too busy with work. None of these examples are worth following. Think carefully here. If pride is keeping one of you from putting in the effort (or fear, anxiety, your own bad childhood) it's time for therapy. You are modeling an unhealthy adult life to your kids. It's not what you say that teaches them. It's what you do. Or don't do. Every time you think of yourself, ask yourself what kind of adult life you desire for your child.

I leave you with an observation after 20 years of field experience. 99% of the time the parents don't get on the same page, trouble follows. Trouble takes the form of a withdrawn teen, withdrawn spouse, divorce, distraught children. Anxious children unable to make their own decisions, lying, poor school performance, physical ailments, drugs, alchohol, promiscuity, pregnancy, abortion, suicide or criminal activity. I have not met one parent who set out to produce a child with any of these characteristics, but these are the by-products of egos left unchecked. And even if your child is "only" anxious, why would you want "even" that to be something they have to deal with just because you don't agree?

It's a new year. What about agreeing to agree? Unite and show your kids you are there as role models desiring a special future for them. Do your very best to know them and coach them - but don't fix things for them. Show them how they can do the fixing. But please, stay on the same page.

Acting "As If" You Are a Calm Parent

For over twenty years, I have been teaching this concept to overwhelmed parents. I like to call it "Valium Girl". Whatever you call it, the principle is that you act as if you are calmer than you really are for the sake of your child's outbursts, tears or fits.

Not really. I invented Valium Girl for my own sanity. Using it for my shrieking kid was a mere by-product. Practicing it for several years before I became an expert was a collateral blessing. Teaching it to others has been extra credit. As an MFT student these days, I read lots of therapy and concept material. And you know what? My little Valium Girl theory holds up pretty well, so I am going to revisit it today.

For whatever reason you want to try to act calmer than you really are, remember that feelings follow actions. If you are feeling cray-cray, angry, despondent, overwhelmed - whatever - that does not dictate what you do or say. Your feelings come second. Actions first. I have moms who tell me "but I have to yell when I am angry!!" No, mom, you don't. All that will do is incite your kid to respond in kind and you will have a bigger mess on your hands. Your feelings matter, but they do not need to be expressed. Not right now. Instead, take a deep breath and imagine you are the calmest  person in the world. The most emotionally strong parent ever. Do. Not. React. Act as if that fit is not happening.

Remember these four powerful things: One, you are the intended audience for the fit. If you don't buy a ticket, there's no show for him. Two, your toddler lacks the self-control you are supposed to have. Three, you have the power to defuse the emotional bomb. Four, just because she wants you to react (or you want to) doesn't mean you have to comply.

It took me over two years of acting like I was emotionally calm before I really was. Inside I was trembling, ready to explode or call the police. But on the outside, I cranked up the smooth jazz music and put on a neutral facial expression the kid in the car seat could see from the rearview mirror. And one day, lo and behold, I realized I really was as calm on the inside as I was acting on the outside!

Acting calm kept me emotionally out of a mess and enabled me to be more objective about what was going on with my kid. I was able to calmly tell him we didn't kick mama's car seat as if it was a boulder of cement and successfully complete the three-hour traffic rider home. I was able to see his needs. Your're upset right now, what's that feeling? Oh. I hate traffic, too! What can we sing about instead? How many cop cars can you find? I was able to get him to articulate his feeling, label it and redirect the hair-trigger physical and verbal volume levels.

As it turns out, the ability for adults to recognize, identify and label emotions is a cornerstone of mental health. By acting calmer than I really felt, I was able to help promote that activity in a very small mind. My kid's mind, too. By practicing on my kid, I helped myself. By practicing on myself, I helped my kid.

This technique also works when they are too big for car seats. Remain calm when your teen says they have something to tell you. Affirm what they have said in order to help yourself be sure you heard them. It doesn't mean you agree, you just want to be sure you heard what they intended to say. Acting calm also gives you time to think about your response. Perhaps you will respond right then, but you might need to think on it and get back to them. By acting calm, you demonstrate you are a safe person for them to continue to come to.

Disclaimer: Acting as if you are calmer than you really are has nothing to do with denying feelings. You are not masking them, either. You are merely delaying yours. Think of yourself as a tool of peace at that moment in that situation. Two screamers will not make traffic move any faster. And one of you has to be about safety. Why not the one with the driver's license? Who says you can't tell your backseat maniac you feel angry about his volcanic eruption and need him to calm down? Just do it calmly. It will calm you down in the process.

In the process of applying this little theory in parenting, I have learned to lower my freak-out level and attach less of a value to many little things that often plague mamas. That has been a gift to my sanity. Who cares if they want to wear shorts in winter or refuse to turn in their homework? Sometimes we have to rest knowing we taught the information appropriately, but it's their turn to apply it. If we apply it for them, they rely on us. That's not healthy parenting. We're supposed to be teaching these baby birds to learn to fly on their own. Especially emotionally.

Fancy Cloth Napkins

I've created a monster just by wanting to use cloth napkins in my home.

Way back when I first started out and only had two pair of work shoes, used toilet paper to blow my nose and drank day-old coffee, I still wanted to use cloth napkins. The tables looked so elegant in the magazines. And magazines were all I had for inspiration because HGTV hadn't been invented yet. Much to my disappointment, the cloth napkins in the tabletop department cost nearly five dollars each. And if they were going to be used for multiple meals on a daily basis, I'd need more than two. The price of my vision was slowly adding up. What if we had company?

One day I was in a kitchen store (danger, danger) and I saw a stack of cloth dish towels on sale. They even had a retro pattern that matched our dishes. I scooped up six for the price of two cloth napkins and became the savvy hostess with the large napkins that covered your lap and then some. I even went back and bought three more in a complementing pattern, cut them in half and made placemats. No one who came to dinner had ever seen such table settings. I could fold the napkins several ways or fan them out in wine glasses. And when we weren't having company, we still had enough napkins for ourselves.

As time went on and tastes changed, I would retire the more senior "napkins" to the dish towel drawer and replace them with newer color choices. I still used the dish towel idea for our napkins. After awhile, I had had three sets of six to get us through the year. My napkins took up two kitchen drawers. The dish towel drawer was across the room.

Everything changed with the birth of our son. He was all in on the concept of cloth napkins for everyone. But he could not stop to wonder which dish towel was a napkin and which one was a dish towel even though they were separately located.  For years I would walk into a room and groan that he was using a new dish towel as a napkin and remind him what the napkin color palette entailed. He also only liked to use whatever cloth item only once, so the laundry was always full of dish towels. Oh, and if it's function was a napkin it was folded one way. If it's function was a dish towel, it was folded another way. That was only obvious to me, not to the men in the house.

Now they both just grab one of the dish towels hanging by the sink and drape their laps. They leave it anywhere that works - a chair, the table, the cutting board or a counter. Since I don't really know what it was used for since it wasn't hanging up or folded, it goes in the wash. So nowadays, I look for sales on dish towels and have several dozen because of the laundry factor. When I am at someone's home, helping with the dishes, I marvel how they can get by with two dish towels. The men in my house remain as confused as ever, and I rest knowing that if I would someday get through all that laundry, I'd find, sort and appropriately fold all of my cloth inventory. Until then, I just chuckle knowing this conundrum was created solely by me and my desire to have a stylish place setting.

What Toys Do My Kids Really Need?

There's a reason why IKEA stores are so attractive. If you don't have one near you, go online. The room settings are simple, with plenty of open space. There's no clutter and there are asthetically pleasing containers and hooks to store everything for every room in your home. IKEA gets it. Too much stuff not only makes a mess, it causes silent stress. You see a pile and unconsciously think about getting around to tackling it. You see open space on your coffee table and you smile.

My point is that kids don't need as much stuff as the commercials - or they - tell you. Pick a few categories and be sure you have something in each one. Avoid the dollar stores unless you have a bin for plastic junk. They don't need every video game. Or latest video. With technology you can watch most movies or TV shows on the internet for a small subscription.

What categories do I reccommend?

- Something to encourage large motor skills

• Large Ball
• Bike, Scooteer or Roller Blades
• Jump Rope

- Something to encourage creativity

• Legos! Legos! Legos!

- Something to develop reading skills

• Library picture books (add chapter books by first grade)
• Reading Apps downloaded on your tablet
• Read daily to your child aloud (free)

- Something to encourage their art (my favorite is a tackle box containing the following):

• Crayons, colored markers, colored pencils
• Craft scissors
• Glue Stick or Glue Dots
• Scotch Tape
• Paper punches

- Something to encorage logical thinking:

• Checkers (and Chess) board game
• Knex and Imaginex building kits
• Circuit Board or robotic sets
• Puzzles
• Maze books, Word Finds, Crossword puzzles

-Something to inspire imaginative play

• Large moving or appliance box ro decorate
• Puppets (you can make them out of old tube socks)
• Varitey of costume pieces, hats, masks
• Dolls or action figures
• Toy trucks, cars or boats
• Plastic animals (we had dinosaurs)

Make sure you have something from each category - especially covering areas you are weak in. Just because I didn't know how to play ball didn't stop me from getting one for my kids. Don't skip on books even if you aren't the best reader. Put yourself away and focus on your child's need to develop into a well-rounded person.

As they continue to grow, you will notice the things they really enjoy and you can expand that category. By the same token, you may notice that item that is never played with so you don't need to add another one. I always kept coloring books and blank paper near the art box. My girl loved creating her own art. Our son was more interested in how many stickers he could fit on a page.

Christmas does not have to go on your credit card, and it doesn't need to be a sea of trendy beeping things that do all the playing for your kids. Toys are supposed to encourage imagination. That's why I love my list.

Happy Shopping!

Please Fix My Kid

That's what I hear from many parents in so many words. There is something their kid is doing (or not doing) and they need to change. The behavior is unacceptable or annoying and they just need to shape up yesterday!

One kid I met needed fixing because he won't control his anger at home. He will argue, sass, yell, kick and scream. The younger siblings like to antagonize him and mom is at her wit's end. Sure, we can all agree that there is an anger issue to deal with. We did the "counting to ten" and deep, measured breathing exercises. That works while I am there to coach him through it. But the remaining 171 hours of the week? It's up to mom to reinforce and not react. And that's not what happens. He gets angry - she retorts. He hits the window - she yells. He kicks the wall - she threatens. And so the cycle goes. That is one angry kid we need to fix, right?

Wrong. In my master's work I have begun to study family theories. One theory really bursts my finger-pointing bubble. That's the one that looks at a family as a system rather than at the individuals in the family. It looks at how the family members relate to one another and the roles they take on instead. So, rather than trying to "fix" the angry kid, we look at the family as a whole. Doing that gives more insight into how the family operates and sheds light on the anger as well.

In this case, we see that the mom and son have a relationship that consists of yelling back and forth. That is their "normal" - not that it's desirable, it's just how they have become accustomed to relate. Add in other siblings who define themselves as the ones who like to see big brother yelled at - of course they are going to contribute to that fun! Throw in different fathers and a new boyfriend and another layer is added: the children are not the focal point. Yet mom just wants her angry kid fixed so he won't yell. What will it be like at home if he does decide to curb it? Everyone will have to learn a new way of operating in the system. It's entirely possible to do that, and it's also possible for others to change instead, which would help the angry boy define himself differently. But if no one is willing to work consistently on anything, this is the way it's going to stay.

I grew up with a sibling who was identified as the Problem in our family. Boy did they ever need fixing! At least that's how my parents treated things, so I joined in. I was the sister of the Problem. Now that I see that we were also a system, I realize that we defined ourselves based upon the trouble the Problem was causing. They never did stop the trouble, so we were left with a weak family system. When my mom died, the Problem physically left (having defined themselves as the one mom rescued) and never returned. My father remarried, pretending the original family and its members never existed. He created a new family instead. Are you surprised to hear that the new family operated the same as ours had? Yup. There was a "problem" there and everyone rose to mask the issues again.

This is pretty amazing stuff to ponder. So, if you have a kid that needs fixing, try this instead. Look at who is in your family and how they each relate to one another. Sometimes you can bring about change (say in an angry kid) by having someone else change the way they are reacting. If my parents hadn't melted down each time the problem kid got into trouble, perhaps there wouldn't have been so much trouble? At the very least, they could have been a lot less anxious by not allowing that kid to determine their lives. In the case of the mom with the angry son - if she would stop participating, he would lose his audience. Right now she has decided it bothers her greatly but if she would decide to place zero value on it, he would come to realize there has been a relationship change.

Parents who dare to try something new need something besides determination. They need to be consistent. None of this will work if you ping pong and try it here and there. You have to repeat, repeat, repeat and resolve that it is for the good of the family. It's also kind. Rather than teaching a kid that THEY are THE ONE who.... (fill in the blank), we teach the family that we are indeed a system and that each one of us is very important.

If you have learned to live in a pointing, blaming family this will be a huge refocus for you - but so worth it! And, just like I did, you can do this retroactively and put old issues to rest. I hope you have some helpful a-ha moments.