Conflict Is Inevitable

How many times have you heard someone say (or said yourself) "I don't like conflict." It can be as simple as speaking up to a supervisor who forgot to schedule you for a day off you requested three weeks ago. Or it can be as simple as telling your server your steak is cold. Maybe it goes up a notch because you have a friend that seems to cancel dates and you want to say something about that. Or perhaps your teen is sullen and glares at you when you ask them to finish their chore? What about a spouse or partner's response when you try to bring up how you are feeling?

I believe that the North American culture has sent us a message through our buffet of media formats  and social customs that conflict is bad. Something is wrong if you experience conflict. You will cause a problem with your supervisor, friend or spouse if you voice your opinion or need. Someone will get mad at you if you speak up. Speaking up means you are stirring up emotions. They won't like you anymore. We'd better be quiet. Who wants to be known as a contentious person, anyway?

In my current studies, I have just had an a-ha moment about conflict. North America is wrong. Conflict isn't "bad" just like anger isn't "bad". It's how we handle it that can turn out positive or negative. Bringing up a topic does not mean there is going to be conflict. That's in our anxious minds. Few people want to rock the boat so they keep their mouths shut and don't get their needs met thinking that sharing a need will "cause conflict".  But their idea of " not rocking the boat" can be to eat that cold steak and pay full price for it. That shows their kids that it is not good to speak up. Sometimes those that do speak up do so loudly it becomes a blast of rage. That's not what I'm talking about. It is okay to speak up. In their book "The Family" Ballswick and Ballswick (2014) state that that conflict can never be resolved, therefore we should reframe how we handle it as "conflict management" . I love this concept! Rather than avoid it or seek to seal it up and expect another person to swallow your perspective and call it resolved - what if your plan is to gently state your perspective and manage it instead?  Just like diets are never really over, they just morph into menu management?

Using the example of your supervisor's unintentional scheduling you for a day you requested off, you can go to her and use "I" statements. "I requested the 30th off for my grandma's 90th birthday three weeks ago and noticed I am scheduled to work that day. Can you please help me work this out?" This addresses your area of concern and is NOT conflict. Flouncing up to your supervisor and snapping "Why did you schedule me to work when you knew I needed that day off???" is definitely asking for conflict.  Going to your peers and complaining is useless. See the differences? In one approach, you state what you needed, in the others you blamed and accused. In the first approach, chances are very high that you will be able to enter into a problem-solving conversation with your supervisor that will result in you getting time off for grandma's party. In the second approaches your supervisor is most likely going to be defensive and things will escalate and you will have brought negativity to your peers.

And what about the twinge you get when you know a relative will "get mad at you" if you don't show up for a function? That isn't really conflict. That's their reaction, period.  (Their own deal, not yours.) And if you fear they will "yell at you" for stating that you aren't able to attend, that's still not conflict. It only becomes conflict if you stay on the phone and listen or respond to their rant or accusations. If you do things out of fear of upsetting someone else, you are being manipulated and that's another blog topic.

You can manage your way through any form of conflict by listening carefully and being objective. Try to see the other person's viewpoint. Your relative is yelling at you, that's rude. But what is behind that? Do they feel rejected? Are they controllers and you showed some power? Whatever it is, you can say "I see how my inability to attend that function is upsetting for you." Letting them know you recognize their emotion can help de-escalate the situation. Using "you" statements will do the opposite. Don't fall into that, even if that is what the other person resorts to. That is indeed big-time conflict with little chance of being managed and a great chance of harming the relationship. Not a good weather report.

What if we thought about conflict as a management opportunity rather that something we have to "win"? The only winners in conflict are people that are willing to listen to the other party without putting themselves first. If you find yourself blaming others when they try to bring something up, it is likely that you have shut down the communication.  Just because they aren't talking about that anymore - or they complied to your demand - doesn't mean you won a thing. Only in your mind. You won't draw closer to them if you do not acknowledge either their emotions or responsibility. When we drop the idea of winning and replace it with the idea of learning how to manage our emotions and words responsibly, we are also demonstrating strength to our ever-watching kids. One of the best things we can model and teach our kids is how to handle the inevitable "conflicts" we all face in everyday life. It starts with listening.

Here's to launching a generation of adults who won't "be afraid" about what others will say or respond to when they have a reasonable request! Remember, your body language and tone says as much - or more - than your words.